The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (10 page)

Sign up your very young innie for a library card and take him to the library for story hour. Visit your local branch regularly, allowing plenty of time to select books. Discuss with your child the books he reads and the movies he sees. Let him see that books and movies are not just time-passers, but that they broaden his world and serve as a link to others. Pay attention to what interests him, and help him find materials on that topic. Like all kids, innies may prefer informal learning to sitting in a classroom. They often surprise others—even their teachers—by knowing a lot about a variety of subjects. I have worked with several introverted children under the age of five who
knew enough about dinosaurs to narrate a Discovery Channel documentary. They could tell me if the Stegosaurus and Allosaurus were from the Jurassic or Cretaceous period, if they were carnivores or herbivores, how they raised their young, and who their main enemies were. When an introverted child starts talking about a favorite subject, it’s like turning on an information fountain.

4. Introverts Think Outside the Box

When six-year-old Tia and her mother moved to a new apartment, Tia was afraid at night and had difficulty sleeping in her new room. She and her mom discussed the problem, and as a solution, they decided that Mom would sleep in Tia’s top bunk for a week. At week’s end, Tia still cried and couldn’t settle in. Her mother was beginning to feel frustrated and discouraged. Tia was walking through the living room when she quietly said, “Could we change bedrooms? I think it could help me.” Her mother was surprised, since she had picked the brighter, more spacious room for her daughter. But she began to realize that the room Tia wanted was smaller and closer to the center of the apartment. Perhaps she would feel safer there. They switched bedrooms and, sure enough, Tia easily drifted off. Her mother was amazed that Tia had come up with the suggestion. She happily returned to her own bed.

Introverted children are creative problem solvers. I am always impressed when I ask them for their ideas. They take in all sorts of input, think about it for a while, and finally come up with innovative answers. They assess data they hadn’t even realized they had observed. With sufficient processing time, they can make comparisons and anticipate patterns. They analyze the patterns within the context of their own subjective thoughts and impressions to arrive at complex conclusions. They come up with fresh, original, out-of-the-box ideas.

I asked Tia’s mother whether she had praised Tia for her idea. She replied, “I told her that it was such a good idea—and that I was glad that she had thought of it and asked me to change rooms with
her.” I congratulated her for listening to Tia and following through on her solution to the problem.

Encourage your innie child’s original thinking by asking her opinion on different matters. Ask her about a dilemma you face. What solutions does she see? Help her to access her
own
problem-solving abilities when she is upset. This, of course, is when it’s hardest. Help her develop creative routes to innovative thought. Ask her to draw a picture or make up a story, poem, puppet show, or song about what’s bothering her. Let her see that the process itself can yield interesting results.

This is a great way to get a glimpse of your introverted child’s fascinating interior world. And paying attention to questions your child raises may have benefits for
you
. For example, Edwin Land, the man who founded and headed the Polaroid Corporation from 1937 to 1982, was inspired to develop the instant camera by his three-year-old daughter. She had asked him a precocious question, particularly for the time: “Why can’t I see the picture you just took of me?” He pondered this puzzle and solved it within an hour—leading to this lucrative invention.

5. Introverts Excel in the Creative Arts

Creativity is a first cousin to out-of-the-box thinking and interiority. I always put out art supplies for my introverted clients—adults and children. It offers a way to express what’s inside, without all that exhausting talk. One little girl, aged five, made me a miniature book about her life: ten pages of detailed colored-pencil sketches, stapled together. Each page had an intricate scene from her day: waking up, eating breakfast, being at school, eating dinner, playing with her dog, Sammy, watching TV, and bedtime. Her book included the cast of characters in her life: her family, friends, teachers, and, of course, Sammy. Many innies are writers, artists, dancers, actors, musicians, or are creative in other ways. My office walls are lined with drawings, paintings, photographs, ceramic pieces, poems, and stitch work given to me over the years by introverted clients.

The nostalgic, whimsical artist Mary Engelbreit is a typical creative innie. At age eleven she announced that she wanted to be an artist when she grew up. At school she was frustrated that teachers and students didn’t really discuss books in depth. She spent hours in solitude and sketched in between reading books. She copied other artists and taught herself to draw. Her mother said Mary was relentless; it was obvious that she would use her talent someday. She skipped college and took a full-time job at the local artist supply store, the Art Mart, where she was exposed to artists and the local art community. The high school guidance counselor, appalled, said, “Oh no, you can’t do that!” Today Engelbreit heads a successful company based on her artistic talents.

Creativity is about seeing—not necessarily seeing more, but from another perspective. The creative person takes in bits of the world around him and rearranges those pieces in his own inner world to form something novel or innovative.

Encourage your innie child’s creativity. Make art supplies available, even if they’re messy; musical instruments, though they’re noisy. Allow for freedom and expression without criticism. Suggest that your child write about an experience he reacted strongly to. Offer dance, singing, acting, or music lessons. Take him to museums, concerts, flea markets, plays—a variety of places so that he gets to see all the incredible ways people express their creativity.

6. Introverts Have a High Emotional IQ

It’s always a revelation to listen to introverted children describe their feelings. Darin, aged six, related this: “I was sad at school because my friend Molly wouldn’t play with me at lunch. She wanted to play with the girls. I went off by myself for a while. Then I asked Joey if he wanted to play ball. He said yes.” It’s hard to find many adults who could manage rejection that well. Darin felt his feelings, calmed himself down, and evaluated the situation. He could then take the risk of approaching another friend. He had the resilience to hop over some common playground potholes to find a playmate.

Since introverted children tend to have delayed emotional responses, parents may not grasp how well their innie child knows his own feelings. And the innie himself may not know this unless he articulates those feelings. When something happens, the child may outwardly appear calm, cool, or even hesitant. Internally, he is pausing to integrate his complex thoughts and feelings. His ability to tolerate time alone allows him to mull over the nuances of his reaction. He likes to understand an event before reacting to it. He will then noodle out a plan of action, anticipating the potential consequences. As a rule, introverted children have intense emotional outbursts only if they are stressed, tired, or hungry, or if they feel threatened.

Because innies are aware of their own feelings, they usually have empathy for other children. They can slip easily into another person’s shoes. When they ask you about yours or others’ feelings, be honest with them so as not to invalidate their perceptions. As in: “It was very considerate of you, Nate, to ask me if my feelings were hurt when you said you wanted to talk to Dad alone. I was fine about it, but thanks for asking.” Innies tend to develop a sense of morality and ethics early in life; they may be wise before their years. Contrary to assumptions people make about introverts, they work well in groups.

Acknowledge your innie’s emotional muscle. Emotional IQ is crucial to success, because so much in life requires dealing with others. Remember, however, that the brain’s emotional center is the last part to fully develop, so these skills need to be nurtured over a longer period of time. If your child is generous, acknowledge it. Let him know that empathy is a good quality to have, in boys as well as girls. Our world is in short enough supply of empathetic people as it is.

7. Introverts Are Gifted at the Art of Conversation

Ten-year-old Marta is looking at my bookshelves. “I notice you like books,” she says. “What are your favorites? Do you read any more than once?” “Well, yes,” I respond. “I read most of them quite a few times. I have lots of favorites—what are yours?” “Two of my favorite books are
The Giver
and
Sarah, Plain and Tall
. Have you read
them?” “Yes, and I liked them, too. Why do you like them?” As we discuss favorite books, our exchange deepens and becomes richer than those I usually have with many adults.

This may be the most surprising of the introvert’s gifts. It’s a shocker to discover that introverted children, often tongue-tied at school or parties, can be hidden masters of the art of conversation. They enjoy listening. They are trustworthy, reliable, and direct. They ask questions. They don’t interrupt. They make insightful comments. They keep confidences. They remember what their friends say. They pick up cues.

Innies often have good relationships with other family members. As they grow into their teen and adult years, they can become a central figure (albeit sometimes behind the scenes) in their family. Their calming energy soothes anxious people and helps them settle down. They excel in the one-on-one relationship—often choosing careers that rely on it.

Help your innie child enhance her conversational abilities. Compliment her ability to listen, ask questions, remember what people say, and engage in back-and-forth conversation. Point out the difference between light social chat and true conversation, noting that honest, open dialogue is the cornerstone of lasting friendships. Innies need to know that the ability to be interested and interesting in conversation is a fine quality that maintains deep friendships. Help your innie child find friends who can discuss topics at more complex levels.

8. Introverts Enjoy Their Own Company

Tina’s dad comes home after a business trip, and Tina’s sister and brother rush out to give him a hug. Tina, engrossed in her seventh-grade science project on whales, doesn’t hear all the commotion. A bit later, her dad peeks his head into her room. She smiles. “Hi, Dad, when did you get home?” “A while ago. I just wanted to say hi. Talk to ya later.” Tina’s dad knows that she’s immersed in her project and will join the family when she’s ready.

Innies enjoy solitude. They don’t need outside action in order to keep busy and engaged. Introverted children have a great capacity to concentrate deeply, to the point of shutting out the world. They savor becoming completely absorbed in a project, book, or movie. Remember, they receive “hap hits” when they are concentrating.

Let your innie know that the capacity to enjoy one’s own company is a gift. It’s very freeing not to constantly need other people. It’s a key component of independence. It’s also the linchpin to many of the desirable occupations in which introverts excel. Keep teaching your introverted child how to assess and balance her social time. Acknowledge that she may wish she could stay better fueled when around other people and activities. You can remind her that she can join her friends another time.

9. Introverts Are Refreshingly Modest

“I don’t want to be on TV,” Sadie, one of the introverted children I work with, said out of the blue. We were playing with her Strawberry Shortcake dolls. Living in Los Angeles, I see many kids in the industry. I asked, “Did someone ask you to be on TV?” “No, but the kids at school were saying they want to be on TV. And when I said I didn’t, they said I was weird. It doesn’t sound fun to me—too many hot lights and too much nerves.” “It’s good that you’re thinking about what you feel comfortable doing,” I laughed. “And you’re certainly not weird.”

In our age of celebrity, it seems everyone is hankering after every bit of the limelight. Being humble seems to have gone out of style. The current fad of reality TV makes it look like anyone could be and should be on TV. When I hear so many of the kids I counsel say that their life’s ambition is to be on TV, I am chilled to the bone. It dismays me that fame and attention are goals in and of themselves. Today many children are forced into flashy, competitive activities like sports or cheerleading so that their parents can brag about them. Saying “I am best” is mistaken for self-esteem. What we get are competitive children who are easily discouraged if they aren’t
the best. Children are on sports teams, dancing teams, singing teams, science teams, and academic teams. Parents clap wildly when they perform. Children receive boatloads of gold medals for ordinary achievements.

So it’s a good thing that we have a few innies who aren’t always seeking the spotlight. They enjoy being in the background. They don’t mind being part of the audience as opposed to on the stage. They are reserved and don’t like too much attention and stimulation. They can tolerate attention—when the conditions are right. But most of the time, an innie will feel like disappearing because attention feels uncomfortable. She may actually feel physical or emotional pain if she is focused on too much or pushed into high-pressured situations.

Appreciate your innie’s reluctance to be the center of attention. Let her know that it’s more than okay to enjoy being out of the limelight. But remember that innies do like being recognized for their accomplishments, especially if they think they deserve it. It’s a good quality to appreciate being acknowledged for work well done in private. And the irony is that being modest actually reflects and increases self-confidence.

10. Introverts Develop Healthy Habits