The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (22 page)

Make the Most of Your Kids’ Strengths

As bird, animal, and human studies on temperament show, extroverts tend to be more dominant and introverts tend to be more submissive. Extroverts fight more, and innies are more reluctant. Within the safety of the family, kids of all temperaments can learn to value their strengths and soften their limitations. Left-brained extroverts, for example, tend to see the world as right or wrong or black and white. We all know that few things are ever that simple. Such children often become frustrated and blame others. However, when all-or-nothing views are toned down into nuance grays and the child’s aggression is well directed, this temperament can grow into fine leadership skills. You can acknowledge positive uses of dominance, such as an extroverted child’s using his gifts to lead the pack. “James, you come up with so many good ideas. I see why kids like to go along with you. I’m glad you lead them toward constructive activities.”

The Dark Heart of Envy

“
Envy is a kind of praise.” —John Gay

Many innies feel that they should be outies and may envy an outie sibling who has many friends and “seems to have everything so easy.” An innie may sense that her parents and relatives prefer the outie. It’s helpful to tell her that it’s normal to feel jealous of a sibling. Since outies are more outgoing, they may be easier for some friends and relatives to relate to. Tell her that you can understand why she wishes things were easier—as it seems with her sibling. Then remind her about what’s easier for her; innies may not see their own strong points. Discuss what is difficult for her sibling; that her brother or sister struggles, too, may not be immediately apparent. You can also relate what you learned from your siblings or people you were close to during childhood. Certainly you can empathize with these feelings.

On the outie side, many are jealous that an innie sibling never seems to get into trouble. I recently talked with an extroverted twelve-year-old. He thinks his parents are unfair to him. I can see why he thinks so—he gets into more trouble than his introverted sib. As we talked, I was able to point out where he had choices about his behavior. There were instances when he made decisions that led him to break rules. If he didn’t want to get into trouble so often, he could make other choices. This is the positive use of jealousy—it can motivate us to make better decisions.

Check in with yourself and make sure that you and your partner are showing individual appreciation to each child in the family—the surest way to minimize that envious green shine in the eyes.

Temperament and Twins

Twins don’t necessarily share temperaments. It’s natural to compare and contrast twins, and tempting to make assumptions. But it’s important not to slot them into rigid roles. This tendency is exaggerated when parents force twins to be together too much; becoming the opposite of one’s twin may seem like the only way to feel like an individual. Or the family, without realizing it, encourages opposing traits. Twins are quickly labeled: Brianna is the studious one, and Bethany is the live wire.

Balance your responses to your twins to reduce the likelihood of each becoming an extreme. If a child is more introverted, don’t let his outie twin speak for him too often or overshadow him. Point out innie advantages. For example, “Boy, Jeremy, you really calmed Jake down. You’re good at that.” Twins shouldn’t always be together. Innie twins can become enmeshed or too dependent on each other; they need to develop separate playmates, interests, and identities. Parents need to establish individual relationships with each twin. Take each out separately to run errands or have “just the two of us” dates. Help your innie branch out and develop her own preferences, interests, and hobbies.

Acknowledge your innie’s quiet leadership skills. Most innies won’t show their keen ability to influence others unless they have to,
when nothing else is working. Studies show that innies, even in preschool, look for solutions to conflicts. Outies tend to argue to try to win conflicts. Point out your innie’s subtle talents. “Rebecca, I know you don’t like to speak up in groups, but I noticed what you said when Zach and Sam were fighting. You thought of a good way for each of them to get part of what they wanted. Good for you, your suggestion helped the whole group get back on track.” Many innies head up large companies—you just never hear about them!

Bicker Busting

“
Differences are sources of strength for us—so long as they aren’t used against us.” —Jean Baker Miller

Remember that your introverted child relies on home for comfort. It is his refueling station, his sanctuary. Promote harmony among siblings at home by intervening early in conflicts. Too much tension is hard on all children, but especially on innies, who are highly sensitive to atmosphere. Even minor disputes, like what to have for dinner, can build up. Consider each child’s preferences … and be sure to include your own once in a while: “Okay, Max. We’ll have pizza tonight. But tomorrow we’re having chicken.” Innies will feel included and encouraged rather than left out and unseen. And they learn the important lesson that they can speak up and discuss their own wants and needs.

All children feel safest when they know you are in charge and make the family rules. Innies, especially, feel most secure in a predictable family setting where conflicts are handled in a reasonable and fair manner. The pursuit of harmony doesn’t mean that problems are swept under the carpet or that irritations are expected to magically disappear. Nor does it suggest you go to the other extreme and react harshly to sibling conflicts in order to snuff them out. In
general, outies require more rules and stricter consequences than innies, since they are less inhibited. You can loosen the reins a bit with innies as they may be permanently stymied by too many rules and restrictions. Discuss these differences so that outies don’t feel picked on.

Innies, adaptable and conflict-avoidant, may be reluctant to stand up for themselves. Frankly, it takes too much effort for them. If you see your innie standing his ground, acknowledge it. “Matt, I liked the way you said no when Julie wanted you to give her your candy. Good for you!” There are, however, times to step in. If your innie has a bossy brother or sister, he might just go along with them: “Oh, it’s okay. I don’t mind watching the Mr. Magoo movie again.” It’s up to parents to encourage fair play and say, “I notice that Peter usually goes along with your movie choices, so this time it is his turn.” “Today it’s Brett’s turn to pick the movie, and from now on take turns choosing.” In this way, innies know they have backing should they decide to expend the extra fuel it requires and speak up and hold their own. And more dominant siblings will learn an important lesson about listening to others, compromising, and negotiating.

It may at times frustrate innies to have to negotiate space and energy with their brothers and sisters. But children that learn to work out differences with their siblings will bring those skills to relationships throughout their lives.

The Heart of the Matter

•
Expect sibling temperament clashes
.

•
Encourage everyone in the family to learn from each child’s strengths
.

•
Never allow one sibling to make fun of, hurt, or harass another
.

CHAPTER 9
Extending the Family Tree

Cultivate Close Relationships with Grandparents, Other Family Members, Friends, and Caregivers

“
If you have knowledge, let others light their candles at it.” —Margaret Fuller

Close bonds with extended family members are enriching for all children—and especially for innies, who are family-oriented and invest in enduring relationships. Strong relationships with grandparents, uncles and aunts, godparents, and parents’ close friends can provide no-strings-attached love, a sense of place, a feeling of family connection, and windows into other times and worlds. In his classic child-rearing book
Touchpoints
, T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., argues that children pay a terrible price for the loss of intergenerational connection. He recommends treasuring the continuity and family tradition that extended family affords. Introverted children can grow up feeling unseen, and many feel like outsiders in today’s in-your-face culture.

It needn’t be this way. A good relationship with special relatives or friends can assure your child that she matters. These figures can provide mooring as children grow up and are tossed about by the challenges of life. They can convey family lore, help to broaden a child’s view of her parents, and demonstrate that there isn’t just one way to be but rather
many
ways of being.

The Gift of Grandparents (and Other Special Adults)

“
To everything there is a season.” —Ecclesiastes 3:1

Several years ago, I interviewed thirty introverted adults about their relationships with their grandparents. What quickly became obvious was that innies drew on these relationships, whether good or bad, to widen their worlds. As we’ve seen, research shows that introverted children appreciate differences. Most people I interviewed learned from and valued the possibilities reflected in their grandparents’ tastes, interests, and styles of interacting. For example, Marcia, an artist I interviewed, told me,

“
My grandmother raised and loved red cabbage roses. She decorated her whole house with them, right down to the floor covering. I loved them, too. On hot days I used to lie on her cool linoleum floor in the sunroom. It had gigantic candy-pink and apple-red cabbage roses spreading across the shimmery blue background. No one else in my family loved their plush petals like my granny and I did. My brother and sister teased me for wanting my whole room decorated in a lush rose theme
.”

This connection was very meaningful to Marcia. She felt different from others in her family, and her grandmother gave her permission to be herself. Today she is the only artist in her family, and, indeed, her warm home is festooned with red and pink cabbage rose blossoms.

Innies find the rich tapestries of their elders’ worlds fascinating. At their best, grandparents
*
offer them family history, hobbies, unique interests, playful attitudes, and learning experiences. Innies are little sponges looking for all sorts of information to absorb. They recognize the value of a grandparent’s history, wisdom, and knowledge. For grandparents of any temperament, sharing themselves and their gifts with their grandchildren gives them an opportunity to remain young at heart. They can appreciate and evolve new aspects of their personalities through seeing themselves, via their grandchildren, with a fresh lens.

Introverted and extroverted grandparents have different strong points and offer their grandkids different growing experiences. Let’s take a look at those differences.

Innie Grandparents—Breathing-Room Relatives

“
What matters most is what we learn from living.” —Doris Lessing

Innie grandparents provide breathing space in the life of an introverted child. Older relatives can often afford to be patient. They are frequently in the position to do what many busy parents don’t have time to do—they can, as teens say, “chill.” This can be a life-saver for innies, as well as good practice for outies. A grandparent’s companionship can be a sanctuary for introverted children: They enjoy a slower pace, they value the smaller joys of life, and are generally gentle and understanding. Innie grandparents may not realize what good role models they can be.

Ask your child’s innie grandparent to share an interest, hobby, or anything he enjoys with your child. Growing up, one of my daughters enjoyed gardening with my husband’s parents. As they weeded and watered, they told stories and discussed the issues they were facing. If your parents don’t have an obvious hobby to share with your child, you can start things off by telling your parents about a few of your child’s interests. “Addy loves mermaids. Do you think you could take her to the library to find some stories about mermaids? She would love it.”

Introverted grandparents can provide a wonderful open dreaming space where innies can play with their imaginations.

Recently, our innie grandson and I were eating lunch and musing about where the tooth fairy lives. Christopher had just lost his second front tooth, and the topic was very much on his mind. We decided that she lives in Fairy World with ten thousand other tooth fairies. We agreed that a pretty large staff of fairies would be required; after all, they would have to cover
all
the children who are losing
all
their teeth in countries all over the world. Chris wondered how the tooth fairy is able to silently slip the tooth out from under his pillow and slip the money in without waking him up. Perhaps, he decided, stretching his imagination, she has some special powers so that she can whisper “Poof!” and the tooth comes out, and then another magic “Poof!” and the money slides in.

It took us several hours of “what-iffing” to come up with a behind-the-scenes narrative we liked about the tooth fairy’s life. Musing time is scarce today. Taking a stroll around the block, checking out the ants, noticing the colors of the fallen leaves, smelling roses, saying hi to neighbors, and looking at how other homes are decorated can be a wonderful experience that enriches an introverted child’s soul.

Strong Points of Innie Grandparents:

• Understand the energy needs of innies.

• Focus on one grandchild at a time.

• Help the child value his inner world.