The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (21 page)

Some children are adopted by parents who had a particular vision of the child who would fill what they perceived as a hole in their family. Such parents may feel disappointment in a child who is temperamentally different from what they had expected. Pay attention for clues to your child’s interests and inborn talents.

Energy mismatches are common in adoptive families. Innie parents can also be quite shocked by an extroverted child’s outgoing personality and energy level. Pair them up with energetic friends or relatives who love being on the go. One skiing family I know adopted an indoor-loving child. They now let him enjoy cozy weekends with his grandparents when they head for the mountains.

In the Case of Divorce

“
We’re frightened of what makes us different.” —Anne Rice

Even if it’s better for the parents in the long run, divorce is very stressful for all children. It shakes up their world—after all, the only one they know—like a major earthquake. Innies thrive on the familiar family routine that doesn’t demand too much energy. Even in families with severe problems such as neglect, abuse, addiction, and violence, the relief an introverted child feels at the end of the confrontations may pale beside the sense of disruption. Separation and divorce jars his or her sense of safety. It requires tons of outward energy to adjust to the new family constellation.

In the meantime, parents are preoccupied, anxious, and often living on frayed nerves. Innies can register this tension and become depressed or conclude that any family problems are their fault. In coal mines, canaries were once used to warn of dangerous fumes that humans could not detect. Innies are like these canaries in the mines: They sense unexpressed difficulties long before other members of the family may be aware. An introverted child may not show her reaction to the family upheaval, or the reaction may be delayed, but count on this: She is having one.

Provide Stability During Divorce

• Don’t put your innie in between you and your spouse—he identifies with and feels loyal to both of you.

• Understand that innies have delayed reactions, and it may take a long time to process the change.

• Take the high road in disputes with your ex—your innie will respect you for this when she is older.

• Discuss the divorce (at an appropriate age level) and be sure he knows it isn’t his fault.

• Ask what he is feeling and what concerns he has, and troubleshoot the problems: “We can talk on the phone at night when you are at Dad’s.”

• Keep daily routines as normal as possible.

• Visiting two homes can be stressful for innies because they tend to be homebodies. Ask your child how you can help him feather each nest.

• Keep a calendar with stickers for younger innies or notation for older innies that shows when they will be where. Include trips, school events, doctors’ appointments, and other info both parents should have.

• Acknowledge that while your innie wishes you would get back together, that isn’t going to happen.

• Don’t have your innie spy on the other parent or fight your battles with a parent.

• Remind him that in time everyone will adjust to the change and eventually feel better.

Innies place a premium on family life. A harmonious family setting where family members recognize and appreciate differences will serve as your innie’s refuge and provide emotional ballast for her forays out into the larger world.

The Heart of the Matter

•
Innies value family relationships
.

•
Coping with temperament matches and mismatches teaches valuable skills
.

•
Acknowledge and appreciate all temperaments in the family
.

CHAPTER
8
Improving Sibling Relationships

Encourage Understanding, Establish Boundaries, and Dampen Rivalry

“
If a plant is to unfold its specific nature to the full, it must first be able to grow in the soil in which it is planted.” —Carl Jung

Sibling relationships are in many ways a microcosm of the social world. Through them, innies learn to respond to the challenges of social interactions—as well as to reap the rewards. Temperament-savvy parenting can help create an environment that makes room for differences, so the rewards outweigh the clashes.

When Siblings Clash

Most of us have the expectation—often in spite of our own experience—that brothers and sisters should naturally enjoy each other’s company. Research shows that often they don’t. Actually,
only a small percentage of siblings maintain close relationships into adulthood. This is due to many factors besides temperament, of course. But temperament does loom large and can affect how siblings interact, how much they play together, their need for personal space, and how they view one another.

Learning to see your kids through the lens of temperament will help you set realistic expectations—which will in turn enable you to be a more effective referee. Help your kids understand and appreciate their temperaments by focusing on each child’s personal strengths. Try a playful approach: “Hi, Nate. I’d like to introduce you to your sister, Judith. She loves horses and reading Junie B. Jones books. Judith, this is your brother Nate, and he loves baseball and Superman. I wonder what you two could find to play for the next hour that you both like. Maybe horses with capes would do the trick?” I’m kidding about that introduction, but serious that it does help to adopt a neutral viewpoint. Don’t join the fray and become yet another fighting sibling. I see parents doing that all the time. Encourage kids to find common ground. The reality is, it’s usually not too far away.

It is vitally important to teach an outie how to respectfully ask his innie sister or brother for playtime. Remind your outie that innies are like deep-sea divers. They plunge into the depths of their mind, fascinated by the watery world. They need a few minutes to come up, or else they’ll get the bends. They may need time to shift into a dual play mode. Teach your outie to ask, “Do you want to play in a few minutes?” or, “After you finish your homework, do you want to play catch?” Help him see that he’s more likely to secure a playmate by slowing down to his sibling’s pace, as opposed to rushing in and startling her. It also helps if outies, always full of lots of good ideas, occasionally learn to ask the innie sib for suggestions about what she wants to play once in a while. Suggest that your outie invite his innie sibling to teach him about her interests. Explain to outies that innies need to have downtime and that setting a start and stop time can be useful.

Innies and outies have different tolerances for how long they can play together. Innies often enjoy their differently wired sibling’s spontaneous, energetic personality—in small doses. You may need to step in to be sure that innies aren’t drained by too much sibling togetherness. I see parents who expect their children to play together
all the time
—and then share a bedroom, too!

Encourage your outie to blow off some steam, perhaps with some outdoor play or indoor Nerf ball tossing. Then help him learn to enjoy quiet time. You can suggest that he read, listen to music, or do some artwork not too far from the rest of the family’s activity. If alone in his room, he may want to keep the door open. Help him ease into enjoying time and space alone, perhaps starting with fifteen minutes every few days and increasing the time. This establishes a pattern so that he can enjoy alone time all his life.

Remind your outie that innies need privacy. The outie should know that if his sister is deep into a fascinating book, project, or hobby, she may ignore her siblings. Help your outie learn not to take this personally.

Make Use of Outie Skills

Explain to innies that outies get charged up around other people and activities. Encourage innies to utilize their outie sibling’s snappy verbal skills. If an innie is dealing with an obnoxious, teasing schoolmate, she can ask her outie sib for quick comebacks. The outie brother can help her test out the retorts. Outies usually enjoy being the family scout. They like to be the first to sit on Santa’s lap and thus can introduce innie sibs to new places, like a Halloween haunted house, or, in their teen years, act as the trailblazer in all kinds of adventures. Outies also make good mouthpieces. They can speak up for their innie siblings occasionally, for instance when returning something to a store or asking an adult for a favor.

Invite your outie’s pals over; let the innie sibling decide if she wants to be included. Set aside time for outies to play alone so they can practice and expand their ability to enjoy solitude. Observe how
the dynamics play out. For example, two innies may need private shared playtime without outies being around. Generally, outies like to play in groups with louder roughhousing. They often tease more. Parents need to help keep the volume at a moderate pitch so that innies aren’t overwhelmed and don’t withdraw or melt down.

Establish Boundaries

“
Certain springs are tapped only when we are alone.” —Anne Morrow Lindbergh

One of the gifts of having an innie in the family is that he can teach lessons about the need for respecting personal space. Innies may be compliant about many issues—but
not
about their territory. They want, even need, a low-stimulation place that doesn’t gobble up their energy and where they know where things are.

I am constantly shocked by the lack of boundaries in many families today. One innie client says, “Mom popped into my room whenever she wanted; she never knocked. I never could relax.” In many families, children and adults aren’t expected to knock before entering another person’s bedroom. Nor are they asked to be quiet if another child is studying. One of my innie clients tells me about how many times her twin takes her shoes without asking. She is afraid to speak up since she wants to avoid causing trouble—but she hates it. Parents may laugh off such behavior, but it’s very important to know how an introverted child feels. If she feels she has no control over anything, she may become more passive or close down completely.

Establishing family boundaries helps everyone feel safe. Make it clear that you expect everyone to respect others’ property and space by following rules like knocking before entering, borrowing only with permission, and not interrupting when others are working or studying. This in itself will curtail numerous sibling tussles;
when kids have the security of family boundaries, they have better relationships. Children will also learn to function better in the outside world.

Parents can set an example of how to safeguard an innie’s “space bubble” —the privacy he needs to process and recharge. Give him a sign to put on his door that reads, R
ECHARGING
! or R
ETURNING TO
P
LANET
E
ARTH AT
… with a clock to set for his “return” time. If he doesn’t have his own room, let him use your room at times, or find another cozy, secluded spot. If he is tired, stressed, or hungry he may need longer in his decompression tank. If outies are always in his space and in his face, there will be trouble.

Make sure siblings understand temperament-based needs. Outies often feel frustrated by innie siblings who want to stay in their room. They can feel hurt or rejected—angry that their own personal “live-in energy source” doesn’t want to hook up. Once they see this as a different physical need, it reduces the tendency to take it personally. You can also explain that when an innie feels more comfortable, she is more inclined to interact with outie siblings.

Rivalry and Its Discontents

“
The best way to raise a successful garden is by trowel and error.” —Anonymous

There are some thorny aspects of temperamental difference—competition, dominance and submission, and jealousy—that are not often talked about. We live in a dog-eat-dog culture where children are expected to be outwardly competitive. In certain instances, such as on the playing field, competitiveness can be constructive. Sports can be a healthy way to redirect aggression. But competitiveness as a global outlook sees other people as rivals. It divides people and promotes an attitude of “everyone for himself.”
Competition discourages what actually builds loving relationships, which is a sense that we are all in this life together.

I believe that healthy competition is always
within
oneself—not
against
others. With
external
competition, the goal is to be the best or to win. As a motivator, it will always be discouraging, since there is always someone better than you.
Internal
competition, however, is within your control. It is directed toward your own achievement; it provides encouragement because you are challenging yourself to improve your own skills. This is achievable. A person—child or adult—can always learn and improve. Internal competition is built upon and promotes good self-esteem.

Competition between siblings can be destructive. To some extent it is natural, but parents should not compare siblings or pit them against one another. If parents have a theoretical ideal child that everyone is trying to become, every child will feel he is missing the mark. And if a child does somehow get the idea that he is the best, he will feel intense pressure to maintain that position. This is very damaging to innies, who often drive themselves very hard.

An innie should never be pushed to act like another child. Since introverts frequently internalize their problems, they often think they ought do better or be better than they are. They may already feel inferior because of the pressure to act more like the extroverted norm. Adding more demands to compete with siblings can be debilitating. Innies may give up or dig in their heels. Instead, point out each child’s strengths and don’t create expectations that all children should be the same. Encourage cooperation and the development of qualities vital to creating a satisfying adult life, including generosity, helpfulness, sensitivity, humor, adaptability, and concern for others. You have influence—maybe more than you think—with your introverted children. Use it to acknowledge and nurture their innate advantages.