The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (19 page)

Single Parents

If the innie parent is single, the child may become a partner rather than his or her child. Innies are good listeners, they are often wise, and they like intimate relationships. This can lead to trouble if they become what is termed a “parental child.” Children who are pushed into an adult role too early don’t get a chance to be kids. They skip over developmental milestones. Becoming too merged with a parent or parents erodes an innie child’s confidence and reinforces his natural hesitation. Later it will be harder for such children to grow up and fly the coop. If they do leave the nest and marry—and many don’t—it will be hard for them to manage adult life and parenting because of the early deficits. If you are a single parent, make sure you develop your own adult support network. Don’t talk about too many adult problems with your child. Encourage your innie to have other friends, especially one or two peers. Enjoy the dynamic of parent and child with your innie—it’s best for both of you.

Outie Parents with Outie Kids

Outie children and extroverted parents love to be on the go. They play hard, work hard, revel in the glow of the spotlight, and remain loyal to their pack. They enjoy having people around, engaging in lively, flowing discussions and good-spirited arguing. They love feedback, achievements, and rewards, and they are usually competitive. People like them, and they like other people. They make life fun. I have a number of clients who are outies with outie kids—many have year-round passes to Disneyland. However, they can overdo it and lose track of the richer aspects of life. They may not pause to listen to themselves or to others. If they don’t learn to balance their outgoing
ways, the years of extroverting can wear them out. If no one in the family—or no life crisis—slows them down, they can be vulnerable to physical or emotional burnout at midlife. And they won’t necessarily develop self-reflection or the ability to savor the slower pleasures of life. They may expect that everyone thinks and behaves as they do. An outie raised by outies can grow up lacking a sense of individuality and be overly dependent on external praise.

That’s why it’s very important for outie parents to help their outie kids practice using the innie side of their system. Developing an appreciation for others’ differences and increasing their capacity for empathy will enhance their intimate relationships. Encouraging outie children to pause and reflect improves their decision-making abilities and helps them focus and achieve more long-term goals. Building their internal resources helps extroverts lessen their need for external approval.

Innie Parents with Outie Kids

An innie parent with an extroverted child feels she has a tiger by the tail. This is how Jacqueline Bouvier felt upon marrying into the wild and woolly Kennedy clan and having her two children. She had much in common with her introverted daughter, Caroline, but felt concerned about her extroverted son, John. Several of her biographers report that she worked hard to curtail his hankering for high-risk behaviors. Innies may find their outie children hyperactive, loud, demanding, noisy, superficial, and overpowering. They may feel pressured to squeeze more into a day than they can really manage. They can have trouble setting limits because they get worn out long before their child is ready to rest.

The outie’s urge to stay active, coupled with irritation if he misses out on anything, can make an innie parent feel like she’s on a constant, speeding merry-go-round: “You said in a half hour we could go. Is it time yet? What can I do till it is?” The outie’s verbal barrage can flood the parent’s brain and it will slam shut: “Stop, I can’t
think
!” The parent, who longs for more quiet time and more
intimate relating, can end up feeling used by her child: “Irina only wants my taxi services and my social secretary skills.”

Conversely, an outie child with an innie parent can feel stifled—a sentiment the parent may pick up on: “My extroverted daughter gets frustrated by my quiet personality,” one innie father confesses. “She feels I am too distant. She is hurt, because I don’t attend all of her dance competitions. On the positive side, I think she likes the way I trust her and listen to her, and that I give her privacy. Sometimes I feel inadequate and wish I had more get-up-and-go, the way she’d like me to be. It scares me when I’m with her and feel like my energy is being sucked right out of my bone marrow. I try to cover up my irritation, but sometimes I wonder, ‘Doesn’t she ever stop talking?’”

Outie Parents with Innie Kids

An extroverted parent may wonder what is wrong with her introverted child. “I worry about my daughter, Gaby,” says one mother of an eleven-year-old girl. “She seems happy with a couple of friends, but I wish she were more popular. She spends a lot of time alone. When I was her age, I was active in sports, clubs, and school events. I worry that I’m doing something wrong as a mom. Or I think that maybe Gaby is physically ill, or depressed, or that she has a more serious problem like being autistic. I wish she’d talk to me more.”

Outie parents can wear themselves out investing their energies trying to convert their innie into an outgoing child. It’s a losing proposition. An introverted child may also make an outie parent restless. He may feel that his innie child’s slow-as-molasses-in-January pace keeps him from getting things done. He may be uncomfortable with the innie’s in-depth curiosity and the unnerving questions she asks. For innies will doggedly pursue questions outies don’t give a second thought to—questions that demand reflection, stir up uncomfortable feelings, or require research to learn. This can intimidate or annoy the outie parent: “Just get on with it, you don’t need to know that.” “Why can’t she just go with the flow?” “We don’t have time to stop to read about that.”

In their rush to get things done, many outie parents may not make time for conversations with their children. They may communicate in chitchat that doesn’t give innies enough time to answer. The innie child ends up feeling that her parents aren’t interested in what she has to say. Outie parents are usually energetic; they fly around, accomplishing things and having fun. They feel like good parents; their kids “do” a lot. But an innie can wilt on the vine when parents don’t adjust to her pace.

Outie parents may misunderstand their child’s need to process information before making a decision. “For heaven’s sake, just decide!” Delayed emotional reactions puzzle them, too. An innie’s slowness worries extroverted parents who equate speed with smarts. They may also feel insulted if the child doesn’t reveal her feelings: “Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t have a good time at Jen’s? You never tell me anything.”

An outie parent may unknowingly intrude on his innie. He might barge into her room without knocking, or interrupt and start talking while the child is still trying to acclimate to his presence. Innies feel discombobulated when suddenly brought out of deep concentration. An outie parent can take it personally if he doesn’t understand his child’s hardwiring. Unless he understands the innie’s need for space and privacy, he may feel rejected or think the child doesn’t love him.

Since innies don’t offer the same energy kick, sadly, some outie parents become less interested in their innie—and prefer outie kids. “Robbie is fun, I like his spunk.” “Peter is so slow, I start feeling like I’m dragging a bag of potatoes around behind me. All I say to him is, ‘Hurry up’ all day long.”

There is a flip side. As Gaby’s mom puts it, “I think she is relieved because I am friendly and can grease the social wheels for her. Our conversations flow best when we do something like take a walk, eat together, go for a drive, or work together in the garden. I can tolerate the pauses and silences more easily.”

Innie Parents with Outie and Innie Kids

Having children with differing temperaments can be quite a challenge, especially for a single parent. You may feel constantly torn
and unable to meet your two (or more) children’s individual needs. It will be crucial to find extroverted adults and friends for your outie child to spend extroverting time with. You will need to help your outie meet his need for out-in-the-world adventure.

You and your innie will likely interact with more ease. There’s no need to feel guilty about this; you may have an easy spark of unspoken knowing between you. Your outie may sense the difference and wonder why his sibling enjoys more rapport with you. He may feel you are withdrawn and not very exciting. It’s important to discuss these temperament differences in your family.

Thirteen-year-old Alison, a left-brained outie, has a right-brained innie mother and younger sister. The sister and their father, also an innie but left-brained like Alison, had a much easier time communicating about upsetting conflicts in the family. Alison could also talk about how she sometimes felt left out of the relationship between her mom and her sister. Luckily, her mother was fine with Alison talking out these frustrations with her father. In order to help Alison find balance for her introverted home life, they arranged for her to join a soccer team and Girl Scout troop, and to go on outings with her friends. She also spent time with an extroverted grandparent.

Outie Parents with Innie and Outie Kids

In a family with extroverted parents and kids with mixed temperaments, the innie child may feel like the “odd kid out,” the one who is slower to get going, who prefers to stay home, who needs peace and quiet to recharge. This can work out fine if the family is understanding and accepting of the innie’s needs. In fact, family members may come to rely upon the innie sibling as an island of calm amid the general din of the household. Because innies tend to be cooperative and invested in family harmony, they can become the stealth family referee, listening, dispensing family wisdom, and generally serving as the family compass.

However, if the family is less aware and accepting of differences, the innie may feel isolated or overlooked. I have heard from numerous
innies who grew up in outie families and felt excluded, pressured to be more extroverted, or even ganged up on to the point where they became the family scapegoat. In general, innies try to accommodate other family members, and this can leave them vulnerable to being teased or taken advantage of. Unfortunately, many of my innie clients were mistreated by siblings, and their parents did not intervene.

Parents set the tone for how kids are treated in a family. Don’t let more aggressive siblings gang up on innies. Tap into your innie’s talents and let her demonstrate them to her siblings. For example, invite your innie to tell other family members about one of her hobbies. Point out her strengths to the other family members. “Boy, Samantha is a really good listener, isn’t she?” “Did you notice the great idea Dakota came up with?” Acknowledge and value that child’s contributions to the behind-the-scenes running of the family. An innie can balance a family of outies, but she will need adult help.

Differences Are Not Flaws

When different temperaments coexist in the family, awareness and flexibility are required. A child who differs from you may likely require you to learn new skills and perhaps spend more energy parenting him. Differences suggest counterbalanced strengths, and you can admire your child’s: “Zachary is so outgoing, and I was never that social,” or, “Rachael can amuse herself with a book all day. I couldn’t sit still for ten minutes!” You can take the opportunity to learn from your child’s differences. If you’re an extrovert, for instance, see if you can tune out the world and focus on making your private place in the house a true haven.

Within a family, different temperaments lend balance, variety, and diverse perspectives. I know that my extroverted husband can give me a nudge to get out and go places, just the way that I can (for a while, at least) get him to slow down. But differences can cause misunderstandings. Introverted children can feel like fish out of water in a family of extroverts. Conversely, extroverted kids can be made to feel like noisy, superficial balls of energy in a family of
innies. “I always felt too loud and in the way,” says one extrovert—now a comedian—who grew up in a family of introverts. Modeling this level of understanding offers your children an enduring legacy.

Parenting Challenges … by Temperament

Parenting has its stumbling blocks no matter
what
your temperament. Here are some specific hurdles that innies and outies face.

Challenges for Introverted Parents

• Focusing on so many external things: children, a job, the house,
etc.

• Constantly bumping up against that energy limit

• Situations when you’re responsible for multiple children

• Feeling that you are not doing enough for the family

• Not having enough time to think things through

• Feeling on the spot when asked for decisions

• Focusing so much emotional and cognitive energy outward that there’s not enough for your own interests

• Understanding highly extroverted kids

• Being around extremely chatty kids for long periods of time

Challenges for Extroverted Parents

• Feeling isolated at home with children

• Needing to let go of external rewards that drive many outies

• Worrying that your kids don’t have enough friends or activities

• Overdoing it—saying yes to too many outside demands

• Giving more attention to outsiders than to your own family

• Staying quiet and listening when children are speaking

• Understanding introverted children’s needs for downtime to recharge

The Key Word Is Enjoy