Heavenly (15 page)

Marry? Love anyone?
But I couldn't ask those questions. What if his past hurt to talk about?

"Ask. Don't be afraid."

"I'm not afraid. That's what I like about being around you. I just don't want to ask the wrong thing."

"Zoe, those kinds of social constraints are known only in mortality. Ask."

"Like that—what you just said about social constraints being only in mortality—are you saying everyone knows just

what to say and how to say it and no one gets offended? Is Heaven like Stepford or something? That idea just blows me

away."

"I don't know what Stepford is, but peace prevails in the next world. The argumentative nature no longer exists

because death creates a certain, shall we say, equality. The question of continued existence is put to rest, eliminating

wondering. With acceptance comes harmony. You see?"

I took a deep breath. Harmony. Peace. Ideals that sounded so foreign in todays world, I could hardly see them actually

existing anywhere except maybe in another galaxy. "Were you married?"

The faintest of smiles lifted the corner of his lips. "No."

"Sad," I murmured.

"Marriage was the last thing I wanted. I was a hoodlum—young and selfish. I would have made a terrible husband."

Now I understood why he talked so cute. "I'm sure that's not true."
I
think you'd make a perfect husband.
I knew there was no such thing, but a piece of my heart still held onto the fantasy that I would—in spite of, or maybe because of my

challenging life—find the perfect guy for me someday.

"Ah, Zoe. Sometimes we can't see what's really valuable. Our vision is clouded by our, shall we say, blind ambition."

"So, was that you?" I said.

"That was very much me."

"What did you want?"

"To be rich and have fun. I wiled away my days in juice joints with any doll I could get my hands on."

"You sound like most of the guys I know. They don't want to do anything but live today and forget tomorrow." It was hard to believe that this beautiful, serene man had once been a player. Of course, he was gorgeous enough to be a player—but

his countenance, his spirit, though upbeat and playful at times, was obviously tamer and mellow now, with a seriously deep

core—the source of his light.

He shook his head. "Wasting even a moment of precious time is a mistake."

"You really believe that." The regret in his eyes was an echo, but there nonetheless. "But why was your life so short?

I mean, you were only twenty. I know they didn't have the medicines and stuff back then that they have now. I'm sorry, this is probably a very personal question—how you died—but... I am curious."

"I didn't get sick, Zoe. I was bumped off in a knife fight." He lifted his shirt. "Fella sliced me from heart to guts. Then the blade caught me right here." He pointed to the scar above his eye.

My stomach knotted with the grisly news. All I saw was smooth skin and chiseled abs. "There's no scar..."

"Immortal bodies don't have imperfections." He smoothed his shirt back down and pointed to the light line over his

brow. "I chose to keep this one." A sharp silence snapped the air. "A reminder of the price I paid." His face drew tight and he lowered his head a moment. When he looked up, the sober look in his eyes cut me to the core. "Some mortal reminders serve us best if we keep them."

I wanted to reach out somehow—to offer condolence—but was unable to move, so awed with what he was telling

me. "We have gangs now, you know," I said, for lack of anything better to say. "There are a lot of people who get shot or stabbed."

He nodded. "Murder's nothing new."

"It's just so wild. I've never known anyone who was murdered before, but then, how would I? Generally, they aren't

alive to talk about it."

"A rather unfortunate consequence, yes." He smiled. "People who pass from this world to the next, the first thing they ask each other is, 'So, how did
you
die?´”

"Cool. I guess I never thought of that."

"There's a lot of catching up that goes on. Think about it." Enthusiasm gleamed in his eyes. "You're greeted by those who've passed before you, and they're all there to meet you. It's a celebration."

"I never really thought of death as anything but sad."

"Because you've only seen it from this side. It's a nifty reunion."

"Kind of like when a baby is born."

"Now you're on the trolley. Except that people you don't know are there, too. Zoe, the family of Man is enormous."

"You mean... everyone is there?"

"Great, great, great, great grandparents, aunts and uncles. Fifth, sixth, tenth cousins and the likes, the line broken only by MIH's."

"MIH's?"

"Missing in Heaven. Those spirits not allowed to dwell with the good."

“Yikes.”

He nodded. "Yikes is right."

My head swirled with thousands of fiery black images of hell. Did Matthias know anything about what happened to

bad people when they died? "I have to admit I want to know where the others go, but..."

His jovial grin slowly vanished, replaced by a taut grief that stopped me mid-sentence. A feeling of heaviness filled

the room. This was not a topic he cared to discuss, I could tell, and the thought occurred to me not to speak of it further.

"What about the others?" I asked, ignoring the whisper of warning.

He studied me long and hard. I almost retracted my question. I was certain he expected me to. He expected me to have

respect for a force I should respect without question. "What does your heart tell you?" His tone pierced my curiosity with caution.

"That I shouldn't ask you about them. But why? Why can you tell me about everything else but them?"

"I told you I can't be where evil is, Zoe. Even talking about evil is dangerous. It invites the dark spirit."

My heart thumped. "Okay."

"If people knew how wretched the endless torment of evil consequence was, they would rather die than give an inch."

His body turned stony and tense. He shook his head and closed his eyes. A chill rushed through me. Had he experienced evil

for himself? Was that why he seemed tormented just now or did he know of someone who had?

"Is something wrong?" I reached out to lay my hand on his arm and he stepped back, his blue eyes flashing — alive

and fiery.

"Nothing's wrong."

"Tell me why you don't want me to touch you."

"I told you, I can only touch whom I am called to serve."

I looked at Abria, standing in the window, on the sill, tapping her hands against the glass as she muttered and sang.

Matthias moved to Abria, scooping her into his arms with a smile that broke the tension. The heaviness in the room

dissipated with her squeaking voice. "You're too close to that glass, little miss." Abria eyed his mouth as he spoke. When he let out a soft whistle she listened intently to the pretty tune. I marveled at his ability to keep her attention so riveted to him.

She lifted a tiny finger, and, as he continued to whistle, her small finger slowly went to his lips until she finally plugged the small 'o' his mouth made, silencing him.

He threw back his head in a hearty laugh, then hugged her. "You don't like my whistling?" The sight sent warm floods of love through my body. I closed my eyes a moment, imagining what it would feel like to have a heavenly being wrap

around me and comfort me.

Indescribable.

When I opened my eyes, he was looking at me, his eyes kind, lips curved in a soft smile. Heat flushed my cheeks.

Thank heavens he can't read my thoughts. He'd think I was a psycho.
"Why can you only touch who you watch over?" I asked.

"It's a law, Zoe. I don't ask why, I just obey."

"Don't you even want to know why? I could never do something just because someone told me to do it—never. I have

to know the reasons."

His lips turned up in a teasing grin. "You
are
a bearcat. Your sister doesn't take any bunk from anyone, does she, Abria?"

"If you mean crap, yeah, that's me." His eyes widened, as if the word had shocked him. "Sorry, that's probably harsh,"

I said. "But you're right. I don't like bunk, never have never will."

"But I'm not giving you bunk, Zoe. Obedience isn't bunk, either. I know, I know, in the mortal state obedience is a

foul word."

"Well, it's true. When I hear the word I have visions of belts and whips. And begging—something I will never, ever

in my lifetime do."

Matthias' brows drew together over discerning eyes. "You really have an aversion to submission, don't you?"

"Yep, and proud of it."

He tilted his head and held me in a razor-sharp gaze for a moment. He set Abria down, and came toward me, slow.

Easy. My heart jumped. He stopped close enough that his breath, warm and sweet with the scent of peppermint, tickled my

face. His eyes held me still. "So, if I was to ask you to come with me this very second, no questions asked, you'd refuse?"

My knees shook, not from fear, but from being so close to him. I couldn't lie. Yes, I would go wherever he wanted me

to go and do whatever he wanted me to do. The realization stunned me. I opened my mouth. No sound came.

His gaze dropped to my lips for a moment before he grinned. "Well?"

"I... uh..."

"You haven't answered my question."

"Your ques—well, maybe I would—for you. Because you do that thing... whatever it is you do when I'm around

you."

"I don't
do
anything purposefully. You know that, don't you?"

"Yes, I know that," I said. "It's just who you are.
.. what..
. you are."

"Mm, yes. So if you don't mind, tell me once again what I do?" His tone teased.

"You make me feel... good." I took a deep, content breath. Moments ticked by. Finally, his taunting expression shifted to something more serious and he stepped back as if the game we'd been silently playing was over. "It's getting very late," he said, quietly.

I glanced at my watch. "It's three-thirty!" I looked around for Abria— she'd been so quiet, I hadn't noticed where she was—in bed, fast asleep. I kissed her goodnight and looked at Matthias.

He stood by the window, like Peter Pan ready to fly away. Please don't go, I thought. "You're leaving, aren't you?" He nodded.
I'll go. Anywhere you ask.
But I couldn't say that to him. Even if I felt like I could follow him to Mars, I wouldn't tell him. My will was the one thing I was not prepared to give anyone.


NINE


I couldn't wait to get to school the next day and talk to Chase. I dressed in jeans, a long-sleeved white tee and a red

hoodie and pulled my hair back into a pony tail. I kissed Mom goodbye, got Abria on the bus and drove to school.

The parking lot was filling with student cars when I arrived. I found the closest spot I could, cut the engine and

grabbed my backpack. I got out, locking the door with a click of remote. Winter was on the doorstep, its penetrating knock

seeped through my clothes, bringing a shudder to my limbs.

I started toward the building, cell phone in hand. It vibrated. Britt.

hey where r и

in the lot u?

at my locker wanna do lunch

yeah. with weston?

yeah that ok?

im cool with it if he is

he doesn't mind a third wheel?

Ur not a 3rd wheel

It seemed like years since I'd talked to her even though it'd only been a day. When I thought about all that had

happened with Matthias, it was like being on vacation in some far-off location, seeing and experiencing things no one else

could relate to.

It was lame that I couldn't share what was happening with Britt. She was my closest confidant. There wasn't anything

I didn't tell her. This was a first, and it challenged every female tendency I'd had since birth to whisper and share secrets.

Matthias, Matthias, Matthias. I needed school today, the distraction would get my mind off him. Yet, I couldn't help

it: with every toffee-colored haired guy I passed I hoped to see his face.

What would it be like if he was here? What would he think of today's world? How much of today had he seen?

Obviously, his exposure was limited because he didn't even know about cell phones.

He was so untainted. So pure. I was tired of jaded guys. Matthias was so far above jaded he floated in misty white

clouds of purifying perfection, at least from my perspective.
Listen to you, you sound like a total psych case.
Thank heavens Matthias wasn't around to hear my blue genie thoughts.

"What's that smile all about?" Britt's voice tickled my ear. I'd been so out of it, I hadn't noticed I'd walked right by her locker.

"Oh, hey"

"Don't 'oh hey me," Britt teased. "I know lust when I see it, and you've got it in your eyes, babe. I want to hear
all
about it."

I cocked my head, aghast. "Lust?" Decency and indecency collided in my brain. "This isn't lust."

"But there is someone."

"I told you there was."

"The special ed guy?"

"Yeah, that's him."

"I've never seen you so... taken." She eyed me, envy and curiosity flashing over her face. She leaned close. "Has he
taken
you yet?" I was hit with another slug of disgust at her implication. Not too long ago I would have slathered all over the chance to share sordid details. But the friendship between Matthias and I wasn't raunchy, it was beautiful. "No, and he's not going to
take
me, either," I said, bite in my tone.

Britt stopped. Around her, bodies hurriedly filed to class. I stopped, turned and faced her, enjoying the white shock on

her open-mouthed face.

"What?!" Britt asked.

I continued walking, smiling. Pleased. I felt like I'd just told her I'd won the lottery and chosen to give all the earnings