Authors: Jennifer Laurens
"No, of course not. Not really. I was curious."
I set my hands on the table and leaned over. "If you use anything I told you, I'll run over you with my car." I stood erect. "Then you can go hang with Sariah, if you get that far."
Chase's mouth opened but nothing came out. Satisfied I'd shocked him and shut him up, I turned and left.
How lame.
I tread through slush to my bug. Here I'd thought Chase was with me on this. That the two of us and our
connection was as unique as the experiences we'd had. All he wanted to do was snarf down as much intel as he could and
write for the
National Enquirer.
I got in the car and headed home. Coffee scented my clothes and hung with me for an instant, until the freezing air
dashed the enticing aroma. Music blasted from my CD player, churning disappointment inside of me into a storm. I felt alone
again and wished I could tell Britt about what was going on. Or Mom. Or Dad.
The thought reminded me that I'd probably be facing Luke when I got home.
ELEVEN
The house was eerily quiet. Snow blanketed the roof, walls and chimney and shut out any sound from the outside
world. At nine o'clock, I knew Abria was in her bedroom. Whether or not she was asleep was a toss up. Mom usually went to
bed early too, worn out from chasing Abria. Dad I could usually find reading in the family room.
I locked the front door and slipped off my snow-caked shoes, leaving them on a rug Mom set by the door for messy
footwear.
Lights burned in the kitchen, but the room was empty. Not even the TV was on in the adjoining family room. An
uneasy feeling itched inside me.
I took the stairs up, heard voices mumbling from Luke's bedroom and crept to the door.
"How long?" Dad's tone was demanding, but also heavy with disappointment. Silence.
"We can't help you if you don't talk to us," Dad said after a while. My heart sunk. They'd found out about Luke. I
closed my eyes.
Poor Mom and Dad.
This was the last thing they needed.
I couldn't interrupt something so pivotal. It wasn't my place to interject my feelings for Luke and his addiction, so I
silently turned and headed to my bedroom.
I took off my clothes, set them on the bed and went into my bathroom for a hot soak. Part of me was relieved my
parents finally knew the truth. In spite of the added burden this would place on their shoulders, at least now Luke might get some help. Hot water filled the tub, fragrant bubbly steam rising into the small space. I looked at my reflection in the mirror.
Luke. I closed my eyes, a tear escaping even though I willed it still.
When I opened my eyes again, I had a flashing thought of Matthias. Surely he couldn't see me—naked. Eyes wide, I
peered around the bathroom, my heart fluttering, skin warming at the thought. Thank heaven he wasn't one of those angels
who couldn't be seen. Or was he?
The thought had me jumping into the suds.
Matthias.
I wouldn't be seeing him tonight, not with Abria quietly tucked
into her bed. I could use his company. I longed to ask him all the questions my visit with Chase had stirred inside of me. I
longed to simply sit with him and look into his eyes.
Time had the tendency to evaporate whenever my thoughts drifted to him. When the water was finally cool, I let it
down, got out and dried off, still smiling when I wrapped the fluffy white towel around myself and opened the door to my
bedroom.
My heart jumped. Mom and Dad stood by my bed. "You scared me." I held the towel tight. Their sober, pale faces
told me Luke's news had devastated them. "What is it? Is Abria okay?"
Dad nodded. "She's fine. Can we talk to you for a moment?"
"Sure, yeah."
They think I don't know anything, and are going to drop the bomb.
"Let me get on my robe," I said.
They agreed and I went back into the bathroom, chilled knowing their hearts were broken.
After I had the robe on, I went back out and stood with them, the three of us congregated around the foot of my bed.
Mom's eyes were red, fresh tear tracks stained her cheeks. I reached out and touched her arm. More tears spilled from her
eyes and she dabbed at them with a ragged tissue.
"Mom..."
"After everything we've been through with Abria," Dad's voice was quiet, like his heart had a blade through it. "How could you betray our trust?"
My eyes widened. "What?"
Dad held out the bag of Lombs. "How long have you been using, Zoe?'
My mouth fell open but my voice had vanished. I swallowed, stared at the bag of prescription bottles, then looked at
Dad. It hadn't occurred to me that when I changed my clothes earlier, Luke might come into my room, seeking the bag out.
"You think those are mine? They're Luke's."
Mom and Dad exchanged weary looks. Fury raced in savage flames through my veins. "Did he tell you those were
mine? Oh, and I suppose it was him who told you they were in my jeans pocket? That is so ridiculous! I can’t believe he'd lie like that. I'm not standing here and taking this." I turned to storm out of the room to go get Luke but Dad's hand wrapped around my bicep.
"Not now. We need to talk."
"And we will, once I get him and beat the truth out of him!" I paced away, so furious my body shook. "I found those earlier today, in
his
bedroom. I found them underneath
his
bed! You can check. There's a slit under the box spring. That's where he hides them."
"For you," Mom's voice was tired. "He told us everything, Zoe. I can’t take the lying. Please, stop lying."
"I'm not the one lying. I went into his room earlier—remember when you found Abria in there? Remember how
jumpy Luke was? After you sent him to keep an eye on Abria, I did some looking around. That's when I found the bag. I can't
believe you don't believe me!" My heart thrummed in my throat.
"How long, Zoe?" Dad asked again, as if he hadn't heard a word I'd just said.
"I've never used prescription drugs. Ever. I'm telling you, those are Luke's. He's the druggie. He's the pot head. He's so baked all the time you don't even see it. That's not him in there anymore, that's a drug addict! Wake up and see what's going on!"
Moms face drained of color. Her lips parted then froze. Dad's face blanched white. Mom's hand, with the tissue
tucked inside her palm, slowly lifted to her trembling lips. She lowered to the foot of my bed, tears rushing from her eyes.
My insides ripped apart. I had hurled the truth at them with no mercy. No padding. Just the awful, horrid and tragic
truth.
Dad shoved a hand into his graying hair. He lowered his head, shook it, covered his face with both hands and sunk
down next to Mom.
The fury running wild inside of me drained at the sight of their distraught countenances. Tears filled my eyes. I
dropped to the floor at their knees and looked into their faces, twisted with a fear I'd carried silently inside for so long.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered. Moms shoulders buckled in a sob and she fell into Dad's embrace. "I should have told you a long time ago but I didn't want you to worry about him, not with Abria and all that. I didn't know how bad it was. I thought he would stop on his own. Lots of kids do. Maybe he will."
Dad shook his head, eyes glistening. His grip around Mom dug deep. Her sobs were silent, lost in his chest.
Then Mom pushed back from Dad, her red eyes swollen. She looked at me. "How long has this been going on?"
Telling them the truth would drive any spears I'd already hurled at their hearts deeper. But lying was out of the
question. "About three years."
Their eyes widened. Mom gasped. "And you never told us? Did you know all this time?"
"Not all this time. Luke never told me, I just figured it out. I saw the signs."
"Why didn't we?" Mom looked from me to Dad.
I placed my hand on her knee. "This is Luke's problem, not yours. You can't blame yourself."
Tears spewed from Momś eyes. "How can I not blame myself? I'm his mother and I didn't see this. What am I
supposed to think? How could I have missed it? Why didn't I see?" She sobbed into Dad's arms again, her fingers gouging his sleeves.
The gravity of the news fell like a deafening bomb in the room. This wasn't going away now. Luke and his addiction
was a part of our house, our lives, and our existence, just like Abria's autism.
I longed to melt into the floor and disappear. Rather than feeling relieved that they knew, the burden of Luke's
addiction cast over my shoulders in another, weighty layer.
I needed a drink.
There was nothing I could say to comfort my parents. They told me that Luke denied everything. When they asked me
what they should do, I felt the roles reverse. I didn't have the answers. I didn't have the power to do anything. My measly
attempt to help Luke by taking his Lortabs and following him had only backfired.
"Call the cops," I finally said.
Mom's teary eyes looked into mine as I paced the floor. "We can't do that."
"Why not? He's broken the law."
"And you'd just love to see me put in jail, wouldn't you?" Luke's voice came from my open bedroom door. Mom and
Dad looked over. Luke held himself in the jamb. His face was still pale, darker shadows circled his angry eyes.
Seeing him lit my brittle fuse. "Maybe that'd stop you, since you don't have the balls to stop yourself."
"You don't know what you're talking about," he shouted. "You have no idea how hard this is!" He wobbled into the room.
"You don't want to stop, that's your problem. Look at you, you're so wasted you can't even stand up straight. It's
disgusting."
"Shut up bi—"
"Stop!" Dad shot to his feet. "Both of you stop now."
Tears streamed from Luke's eyes, aimed at me. "I hate you." He turned and went out the door.
"And I hate you, loser. Look what you've done to our family!"
"Zoe, please." Mom's pleading silenced me. She sat on the foot of the bed, her face so distorted with anguish I
couldn't think about Luke anymore, I went to her, fell down to her lap, and put my arms around her. Tears streamed from my
eyes, down my cheeks. I hated Luke. Hated what he'd done to us, what he was doing to himself.
"Please don't say that to him." Mom stroked my head.
"He's hurting you guys. I'm sick of it."
"I know you've carried this longer than we have," Dad's tone softened some. Mom's body rocked when he sat down
next to her. I felt his hand on my arm. "I wish you'd told us. But I can't change that. We know now, and we have to pull together for Luke's sake."
I jerked my head up from Mom's lap. "Luke's sake? He's gotten himself into this crap. Let him dig himself out."
"Zoe, sometimes people get so buried they can't do anything more than reach, let alone summon the strength to climb
out."
"He doesn't care if he stops, don't you get it? He only cares about his next bowl."
Mom's touch grew still. She closed her eyes, let out a long breath. All of this news was tearing her apart. Her face
darkened with cavernous sorrow. Dad, too, looked like he'd just emerged from the front lines of a wretched battlefield.
I didn't say anything else.
I wanted to drown in a bottle of Vodka.
I stood. "I need to go to bed."
Mom stood, then Dad. The echo of our spoken words filled the silence, and no more could be said. Not now, anyway.
Dad reached out and stroked my arm. "It'll be all right."
It will? I doubted it, but I nodded. "Yeah." I needed that bottle, now. Sure, I drank, but my drinking was on a need-to-drink basis, not like Luke's addiction.
"I love you." Mom wrapped her arms around me, a fragile embrace from a beaten parent that had me hugging her as if
she was a delicate flake of snow that might melt away any second.
"Love you."
Dad cradled Mom in his arms and they moved as one out the door of my bedroom.
I sniffed back my last tear.
When I was sure Mom and Dad were in their room for the night, I threw on my clothes and snuck out. After seeing
the brutal truth hit my parents like an avalanche, I felt a moment's guilt for sneaking out. The moment passed. Raw anger
surged through me again, once I was out in my car, driving. I couldn't believe Luke had twisted that scene around. Part of me was as frightened as I was furious. This meant he was far worse off than I'd known.
The weight of his life, my life, my parents' lives seemed to drag me downward. I needed a getaway, now.
Britt always had a stash of alcohol at her house, her parents pretty clueless, so I pulled out my cell phone. Eleven-
thirty. She usually didn't go to sleep until midnight. I dialed.
"Hey honey," she said.
"You wouldn't believe the crap I've been through."
"Wanna tell me about it?"
"I'm coming over. Is that okay? I need a drink."
Her laugh was strung out. Apparently she'd been at the bottle herself. "Sure. I've got shhomething with your name on
it."
"Be there in a sec." I clicked off the phone and took a deep breath. Relief was almost here.
Snow still fell in a thick veil and I drove the few miles to Brittś house with caution. I'd have to make it home in this
thick slush, that thought hadn't escaped me. I'd never driven drunk before and knew I shouldn't. Then Matthias' face came
into my mind. I was certain he wouldn't approve of me getting hammered, no matter the reason. I couldn't think about him
now, too angry at Luke and way too uptight.
I was about a block away from Britt's when the snow fall thickened from a veil to a blanket, decreasing visibility to
about two feet. I slowed, squinted, and tried to keep my eyes on what was road and what wasn't.
Out of nowhere, a snow-caked pedestrian dashed in front of my car. I slammed on the breaks, slid and swerved to a