Heavenly (13 page)

him I was going somewhere with. Wishing he was alive and I could tell Britt about him.

"See?" Britt said, laughing. "You look like a girl with secrets. Juicy secrets."

"Maybe I am," I teased. I'd never tell her about Matthias. But I could imply. "I met the hottest guy."

Britt's eyes grew huge. "When? Tell me everything."

"I can't."

"No! Don't do that! That's just mean."

"I seriously can't. He's just this awesome, older guy."

"Older? Wow. Wait, he's not some freak from MySpace is he?"

"Ewww. Does that sound like me?"

"I figured you were smarter than that."

"I met him at Abria's school, actually."

"Yeah?" Britt's brows creased. "What is he, a special ed teacher?"

"More like an aide." I bit my lower lip to squelch a smile.

I could tell by Britt's unenthused nod she wasn't sure about whether or not that was cool. "Okay. Whatever works, I

guess. So, is he into you too? Does this mean you'll be sidelining it tonight?"

"No way." I'd drop guy hunting altogether if Matthias was mine, but I needed an outlet tonight. "I'm gonna have some fun."

A handful of cars were parked out front of Brady's two-story brick house. Music rocked the neighborhood. It was cold

outside, and I wrapped my long sweater around me when I stepped from the warm confines of Britt's car.

I looked up, saw stark, black clouds. No heavens. Maybe snow later. That'd make it cozy inside and slick on the

streets. "Your car doesn't have four wheel drive does it?" I asked after we got out. We headed toward the house.

Britt eyed her reflection in the compact mirror she'd pulled out other purse. "Huh?"

"Forget it." I'd cross that bridge if I had to. Driving in dangerous conditions didn't bode well with my parents. But then they thought I was at Britt's house, a mere four blocks from home, enjoying a harmless evening of chick flicks.

Inside, Britt and I lit the place up like Whistling Pete's on the Fourth of July. Guys clamored to us. The attention was

nice. How many had heard about her and Weston? Her unavailability rarely dissuaded guys, which amazed me because they

were so anxious to take her any way they could get her. Too bad for them she was monogamous—at least until boredom set

in. I didn't care that most of them saw me as second choice. I was there to satisfy a craving.

"I'm going to go find Weston," she said, her head craning for him.

"Okay." Her arm slipped from mine and she vanished. It'd only be a matter of minutes before the two of them slid

quietly into a secluded room somewhere. I let out a sigh, envious. Yet, the craving I usually had inside at parties wasn't as acute tonight. I smiled at lingering gazes, flirted with a few followers, but mostly I wandered, listening to the music, sipping my beer and thinking of Matthias, wishing he was there.

Maybe I should have brought Abria.

He was her guardian, after all. For a flash, I almost wished I was handicapped. Then I closed my eyes and took another sip,

the bubbling bite scorching my throat on the way down. Abria didn't appreciate Matthias. She had no idea what a hottie was

and she didn't care.

What a waste.

If Matthias was mine, I'd... I wasn't sure what I'd do, but I'd be wherever he was twenty-four-seven.

Wandering aimlessly through Brady's house, I allowed thoughts of Matthias to take me to a lofty high.

I bumped shoulders with a cute guy and smiled. My brain yearned for Matthias' brilliant grin and instead I got an

ordinary smile from an ordinary guy. I kept looking.

A plush, fat chair sat unoccupied in the corner of the den where a fire danced in the fireplace. The wood-paneled

walls, hunting pictures and golf trophies created a cozy feel to the small room where a couple I didn't know sat snuggling on a leather couch. I supposed they wanted the room to themselves, but I wanted that big, lush chair cornered in the window.

I plopped into it and closed my eyes, the cool bottle in my hand resting on my chest. Matthias.
Where are you? What

do you do when you're not keeping watch over Abria? Float through the sky like Superman?
He'd be hot in that S suit. What did he look like underneath those silky clothes?

It didn't matter. He was too out of reach for me to really care what kind of body he had, though it was obvious he was

perfect. He could have a club foot and I'd still be attracted to him.
Those eyes.
Penetrating, searching, knowing and yet without judgment. That, in itself was a miracle. I'd never looked at anyone and not seen judgment at some point in the

relationship, no matter how insignificant the association.

"I bet two can fit in that chair." The voice was unfamiliar and aimed at me, so I opened my eyes. Brady. As guys went, Brady wasn't a slouch: dark blond hair and amber eyes. Nice teeth.

"How about we find out?" I scooted over, making room and he wedged himself next to me. He smelled of beer and

faded cologne.

"Yeah. Nice fit." He tipped back his bottle and took a drink.

I almost rolled my eyes at our cheesy conversation. After talking with Matthias, this felt like a scene from a bad soap

opera. But it was all part of the game and we both knew how to play. We both wanted to play, or we wouldn't be there.

I lifted my bottle signaling to him it was time for a toast. His eyes gleamed with delight. He raised his bottle and

tapped mine.

"To those watching over us," I said.

He glanced around as if looking for 'those,' trying to hide confusion. "To the voyeur in all of us."

No. Wrong.
Gag.

Clink.

He drank, and I pressed the bottle to my lips without taking another drop. Matthias. That someone clueless as Brady

would infer something as raw and base as Matthias being a voyeur bugged me deep down. What Matthias did was so far from

seedy, light years away from sexual, so far removed in fact that Brady repulsed me. That one comment killed any desire I'd

had to make out with him.

He reached an arm around my shoulder and rested against me like we were lovers sitting on a bench overlooking a

lovely sunset on the beach. The move was too much, too soon, and turned my stomach. I tried to ignore it, to tell myself how

cute he was. He was here, next to me, willing and waiting.

This is why you came. Go for it.

I tried to find beauty in his amber eyes, gazing drunkenly into mine. Who cares if it's not Matthias?
He's a hot body

and he knows what to do, so let him do it.

I closed my eyes, tried to picture Matthias' clear, soulful gaze and the next thing I knew warm, wet, beer-lips were

pressed against mine. My eyes flashed. His were closed. He sandwiched closer, his lips opened for more. The female inside

of me wriggled from dazed sleep like a drooping bud freshly watered. I heard him drop his bottle, it clunked to the floor. I

dropped mine. His hands circled my waist with the ease of a well-practiced move. How many waists had Brady wrapped his

arms around? Was I just another waist, another pair of lips and legs?

My hands were free and I was just as practiced, so I slid mine around his neck and played in his hair. He groaned,

moved closer.

His groan sent a shudder of revulsion through me.
Ignore it. Enjoy him. He's here, willing and he's yours.
I tried to block out the distaste, but it hung in the back of my throat like vomit in wait.

His lips broke free of mine, sending cool air against my mouth. His heavy-lidded eyes gazed into mine. "Wanna find a

room?"
No you perv.
"Ab-so-lute-ly."

He stood and held out his hand to me. I set my hand in his and he pulled me to my feet. Our bottles clinked when he

stepped back, and we both looked down at them. His was empty. Mine spilled gold liquid onto the floor.

Since we were in his house, he knew where he was going. I trailed behind him, holding his hand. Eyes peered at us.

Whispers followed. I knew what they were talking about:
They're going to hook up. Score.
I felt like a game piece.
Matthias,
where are you?

I closed my eyes.
Stop. Don't do this. It's wrong. You know it. But he wants me. He's here.

I opened my eyes. I couldn't meet the curious gazes we passed, so I kept my head low, my eyes averted. Not my usual

posture.
Shame. Forget shame, you deserve this. Your life sucks and this will make you feel better, it always does.
Brady nodded at his jock friends as we passed.
My next conquest, dudes. Check it out.

Music pumped my blood into a swirling beat and I scanned his broad shoulders, his waist, and legs. He was a fine

specimen. Fine. His kiss hadn't done anything for me, but I'd seen him in his glove-fitting football uniform. I could keep my eyes closed and focus on lean, hard muscles even if his kiss left me empty.

Upstairs, he opened the last door on the left. His room. Dark walls, dark shades, posters, trophies, jerseys hanging on

the wall, baseball caps, the scent of body, boy and cologne reaching out from his closet, plaid bedding and the beige carpet

under our feet. "Here we are." He tugged me inside and closed the door. "Nice room." At least Brady hung up his clothes. His backpack dangled from a peg sticking out of the wall. Coats and hoodies perched on a garment tree.

He put his hands on my shoulders and gently drew me to him, eyeing my mouth.
Look at me,
I thought,
like Matthias
looks at me. Search. Pierce. Understand.

His head dipped toward mine, his lips twitching, readying to take. Another wave of revulsion.
Please look at me. In

the eyes. Do you see me?

Angry, I pressed my hands against his chest. He stopped.
Yes, now you look you skeezball.
His amber eyes were so

dazed he blinked as if to clear them. "What's my name?" I asked. He blinked again, panic flashing, sobering his features. His mouth opened but nothing came out.

Snow fluttered down from dirty clouds overhead, a sour-milk veil I trudged through as I walked down Brady s front

path toward the street. Pounding music from inside the house was muffled by the falling flakes. Chilled, getting wet, I

clasped my arms around myself and eyed the slick pavement. I hadn't told Britt I was leaving, I'd just turned and walked out.

In hindsight, I should have insisted forgot-my-name Brady drive me home, but I was too annoyed with him and

disappointed in myself to spend another second in his presence.

Now I was, walking. I never took my purse to parties, too afraid I'd leave it behind or get ripped off if I became too

drunk to notice, which meant my phone was also at home.

Silence forced me to face myself. I headed down the hill. My overriding thought: my life since Matthias had come

along. Being near him caused my whole being to lift to a place above the earth, as if I walked on a floating carpet that

protected me from temporal influence.

Was that part of his gift? To make those around him feel better? Lift them higher?

Icy flakes fell and coated my clothes, seeping through to my skin. My teeth started to chatter and the first wedge of

panic cut into me. I had a long walk ahead. I might freeze before I got home.

Home.

Abria was home, tucked in bed. I'd love to be there, too. Safe. It was doubtful Matthias was watching over her, but

highly probable he was watching over someone else. Who was the lucky one?

I looked up into the black heavens, blinking fast to protect my eyes from the onslaught of falling flakes.
Matthias,

where are you?

More than being warm and dry, I wanted to know where he was. More than being safe at home, more than I wished I

could take back the last hours at the party, I wished I knew where he was and what he was doing.

I let out a sigh, my breath pluming in front of my face. I should have driven myself. I wouldn't make that mistake

again, especially not with Britt now Weston's new girlfriend. Threes a crowd. What I really should have done was stay home.

Why did I go to these parties? I knew what I was getting into, and the raunchiness of my actions, my weak

willingness to run with the rest of the pack chilled me even more than the outside temperature. When someone like Matthias

devoted every ounce of energy and all of his time to things that really mattered, my choice to party looked embarrassingly

shallow.

Sure he was an angel, and maybe there wasn't that much to do in Heaven, but I didn't waste time with more

rationalizing. Alone with my guilt, I couldn't deny my reasons for partying: escaping what I hated to face. And yet I never

entirely escaped. I couldn't outrun blood. I admired Matthias' strength, his conviction, so directed and unwavering. I couldn't imagine him ever giving into weakness.

Did immortals have weaknesses?

My mind spun with thoughts of Matthias and his life. I couldn't wait to see him again and find out everything I could

about him. But that would mean waiting until Abria was in harm's way. I couldn't intentionally put her in harms way just to

satisfy my need to see him. A smirk chattered out. That'd get me struck by lightning for sure.

Had Matthias ever seen God?

My head reeled with questions, and the more I thought of Matthias, the greater the pressure inside me built to know

more.

Body shaking, lips trembling, I hunched my shoulders and wrapped my arms around myself. I was soaked now, and

any warmth pulsing through my veins was further from the surface of my skin.

Headlights coming from behind me shed an ivory glow onto the icy road and into the lacy snowflakes falling from the

sky. I turned, contemplating waving down the driver to see if I could bum a ride, tossing aside all warnings I'd ever heard to never accept rides from strangers.