After school, I had to stop by the paper office, and Julian suggested I drop by the garage and watch him work when I was done. I agreed and had my camera ready to take pictures of him working. I also made a firm resolution that this would be the day I’d tell him about Loyola. Of course, I also had to tell my parents. Suddenly college and the future and separation all felt very real, and that sadness pushed even harder in my chest. I didn’t want to think about what was going to happen to us. I just wanted to be happy with Julian, being his girlfriend.
I arrived at the garage a little after five, and I could hear him inside. He’d been collecting pieces of fencing and other large items of scrap to assemble the bench scene he’d shown me. I stopped and put my jacket back in the car. It was still cool, but not enough to compete with the heat generated by the blowtorch in his small garage. Then I remembered how he pulled off his shirt sometimes when he worked and smiled, hoping it would be one of those days. I didn’t expect to hear a girl’s voice as I got closer.
Peeking around the door, I nearly lost it when I saw Renee sitting on his worktable. Her shiny brown hair hung loose down her back, and she was wearing a low-cut blouse and short skirt. Her legs were uncrossed. I could read that body language a mile away, and I was furious. Julian didn’t seem to notice as he moved several of the large pieces of fencing he’d collected to the back of the garage.
“So you’re finally dating Anna Sanders,” Renee said, dropping her head to the side and swinging one of her knees together. “Jesus, Julian, what was that? Some personal goal of yours?”
I really hated Renee.
Julian paused, and it was like he suddenly saw her, slutting it up on his worktable. “What are you up to?” he said.
“Nothing,” she laughed and actually tried to play innocent. “She’s just such a nun. And she never took you seriously.”
He hefted up another piece of fencing. “You never took me seriously.”
“How could I?” she cried. “You were always so distracted. I could never hold your attention for more than five minutes.”
He walked back, rubbing his palms together. “I lasted more than five minutes.”
“Mmm… That’s what I was thinking about today.” She reached out and caught his arm, and her voice turned into a purr. “It’s been a while since we were together.”
He didn’t pull away like I wished he would, and for a moment, I almost ran in and started yelling. But I had to know how this would play out between them.
Julian frowned. “Aren’t you dating some guy at Fulton?”
Renee slid her hand down his arm and lifted his hand into her lap. “Keeping up with me? I like that.”
“I just heard Rachel talking to Brad,” he said, pulling his hand away. “But I’m where I want to be, so it’s cool.”
“I don’t believe it.” Renee pushed her hair back and leaned forward, showing cleavage. “We were so hot together.”
He shook his head. “Don’t do that.”
He stepped around her, picking up one of the sketches and then going to his pile of scrap. Renee hopped down and followed him.
“Rachel said they’d be living together at Loyola next year,” she said. “That must sting knowing how close she’ll be to Jack.”
My breath caught as my eyes went wide. I didn’t think it was possible to hate Renee any more than I did at that very moment.
But when I heard Julian’s tone, my hate turned to panic. “What’s that?” he frowned.
“She didn’t tell you? Anna the Nerd got some major, full-ride scholarship. Rachel said they’ve been apartment hunting for weeks.”
“No.” Julian had stopped working and leaned against the table beside her. I saw the side of his jaw clench, and I desperately wanted to run in and explain. But I was frozen in place. “I knew she was waiting on her best offer.”
“Well, lucky Anna.” Renee reached over and ran a finger down the side of Julian’s arm. He glanced at her, and she stepped forward to catch his chin. “I’m not going anywhere.” I closed my eyes as she kissed him and rolled my back against the wall. I could feel the tears in my throat. He would never understand, and it served me right if I lost him to that super-ho Renee.
“You’d better take off,” I heard him say, and I crept back in case she was leaving in this direction. When I got outside, I leaned against my car. What could I tell him now? I had to get in there. I had to explain. I pulled myself together and strode toward the garage as Renee was coming out.
“Hey, Anna,” she smirked looking me up and down.
“Hey yourself,” I spat back.
Inside, Julian was still leaning against the table. He was looking down as if he was trying to decide what to do next. I went over to him and slid my arms around his waist. Maybe if I acted like I didn’t know what just happened, I could smooth things over by just telling him. Like I’d meant to all along.
“Hey,” I said, kissing his cheek.
He reached for my arms and pushed me back to face him. Pain shot through the sides of my stomach when I saw his expression. “Renee just left.”
“I saw her,” I tried to stay light. “And I’m completely ticked. Is she trying to steal my guy?”
“She said something about Rachel and you being roommates at Loyola next year.” His blue eyes held mine. So much for acting innocent.
“I guess Rachel told her,” I said quietly. “But we’ve been talking about living together for a while. We only just finalized everything.”
“When were you
finally
going to tell me?” He was clearly mad, and I didn’t know what to say to fix it.
“I was going to tell you…” But I wasn’t really sure why I’d kept the news to myself. “It’s a great scholarship, and I think it’s the best offer I’m going to get.”
He nodded. “So you’re going to Loyola next year.”
I reached for him again, but he stopped me. “Julian, please…”
“Maybe you should go home,” he exhaled, stepping past me. “I’m not really up for this anymore.”
I followed him quickly, pain radiating through my chest. “Up for what? What are you thinking? This doesn’t change anything between us.”
He turned back then. “It doesn’t? No, you’re right. It doesn’t change anything for you, but it changes things for me.”
I shook my head, trying not to cry. “I don’t understand. Why?”
“It’s like all this time we’ve been together, you’ve just been passing time. Waiting to decide.”
“Decide what? I already decided. I want to be with you!”
“Then why didn’t you tell me about this? Why do you always hold back?”
“I don’t know. I just…” I shook my head. “I don’t know how to explain it. I was afraid, and things are changing…” The miserable truth that had held me silent for days finally appeared clearly in my head. “What if we don’t stay together next year?”
“I want us to be together next year,” he said. “But maybe you want to keep your options open.”
“I don’t! I only applied to schools in New Orleans because Jack and I were still together then. But everything’s different now. Now there’s us.”
He leaned back against the worktable again, studying the floor. “You should’ve told me.”
“I know.” I quickly closed the space between us. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you to get the wrong idea. I didn’t want you to be mad, and… I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.”
I studied his eyes, still focused elsewhere, still thinking something I couldn’t tell. All the heaviness of the past several days, all my fears, were pushing so hard inside me. I felt like I’d explode, and I wanted to kiss him so badly. I wanted him to kiss me, to take this pain away. I slid my arms around his waist, and this time he didn’t stop me as I lifted my lips to his. He kissed me, but it wasn’t right. He didn’t pull me to him, and when I stepped back, I knew he was still upset.
“It won’t work,” he said, shaking his head. “I can’t be in Savannah and you in New Orleans with him. Especially with you not telling me stuff. I don’t want us to end that way.”
Pain hit me like a medicine ball right in the guts. “No, Julian. Don’t do this.”
He shook his head. “It’s easier to do it now.”
“It is not easier!” My voice was loud, and I grabbed both his arms.
“I think we should go back to being just friends,” he said, straightening up and pushing my hands away.
I stepped back as my breath caught in my throat. The tears were flooding my eyes, on the brink of spilling over. I turned to run out. I wouldn’t cry in front of him. My heart was smashing into a million pieces, and all I could think was how far we’d come, everything we’d said, the nights we’d spent together. How could he just quit on us?
I made it to the car and climbed inside. I could barely see to drive, but I had to get out of here. Pulling onto the road, I gasped a painful breath as the first tears hit my cheeks. This was my fault. What was wrong with me? Why didn’t I tell him? Everything I’d lost slammed into my mind over and over with each passing minute—Julian’s clear blue eyes and his soft laugh, him slipping into my bed and holding me all night. I looked down at the dragonfly ring sparkling on my finger, and sobs shook my body violently. Oh, God. This couldn’t be happening.
Chapter 15
Breaking up with Julian was so much worse than breaking up with Jack. At least Jack had broken up with me early, and even though he kept coming around confusing the situation, I wasn’t constantly bombarded with months of happy memories. And I never saw him at school.
Math loomed in front of me like a horrible nightmare. I took a different route to class, walking as slowly as I could, but as I approached the door, I froze. Where was Mrs. Harris? She was always standing there scowling. Did she have a sub? If she did, I was cutting class.
I stood at the door and tried to decide what to do.
“Going in?” My whole body tensed at the sound of Julian’s voice.
I looked down and clutched my books closer to my chest. He breathed an annoyed sigh and jerked the door open. I watched his tall, slender body move ahead of me to his seat. My chair, the one right beside his, was empty, so I quickly sat down at the first desk to my right in the very back row. Montage came bustling in and froze.
“Aw, no, Anna,” he said as he towered over me.
I realized I’d taken his seat, but I gave him pleading eyes. He glanced at my empty chair in the front beside Julian.
“I’m not sittin up there,” he said. Then he grabbed the skinny guy in the desk in front of me and pushed him down the aisle. “You just got promoted, Poindexter.”
Montage threw his books on the ejected student’s desk and sat down. The boy straightened his clothes and slouched into my former seat. Julian glanced up at him, then looked back at me and shook his head.
At lunch, I relocated back inside the cafeteria to the senior table, and I had the pleasure of sharing my cold sandwich with Summer.
“What’s going on? Aren’t you always with Julian?” she asked in her typically insensitive manner.
“We’re taking a break.” I said quietly.
“A break!” she cried. “Is it because of Renee Barron?”
I glared at her. “No.”
“I don’t understand relationships,” she shook her head. “You two seemed pretty happy.”
“We were,” I mumbled, picking at my sandwich.
“So who dumped who?”
My eyes cut to her, and she was lucky I was too miserable to sock her. “Can we talk about something else?”
“Sure!” she smiled. “Mind if I go to the paper office with you again? I really liked Nancy.”
I shrugged. “Meet me after school, and we can ride together.”
I couldn’t believe I was low enough to be spending time with stupid Summer. And now I’d agreed to take her to the paper office, the one place that was mine. Hopefully, Nancy would send me off on an assignment, and I could ditch her there.
My sandwich tasted like a sponge, and I stuffed it back in the bag when I looked up and saw Julian enter the cafeteria. I quickly leaned forward, putting my hand on my forehead. He walked to the other end of the senior table and sat down by Scotty. I wasn’t sure what he was doing, so I finished with Summer and quickly collected my things and left. Rachel was in our old spot waving me over. It was the first time I’d seen her all week.
She tossed her blonde hair back. “I’m away party planning and everything falls to pieces,” she said. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t know what you mean.” My voice sounded dead.
“Julian’s in a mood. He just got up and left,” she said. “Are you two fighting?”
I shook my head. “We broke up.”
“What the hell?” she cried. “Was it Renee?”
“Oh my God! Why does everybody keep saying that?”
Rachel shrugged. “She seems to pop up wherever he is. I couldn’t think of any other reason. You two were pretty hot and heavy.”
Those words made me want to roll into the fetal position. “It’s not Renee,” I said in a quieter voice.
“Then what in the world happened? I was sure you were in it for the long haul.”
Her words made my throat hurt. “I gotta go.” I whispered and hurried away.
I didn’t start crying then, but at the end of the day when I saw Summer waiting by my car I nearly did. I couldn’t do this.