I didn’t raise my head. “Julian broke up with me.”
“Why?” she said, leaning forward on the bar, not sounding surprised enough.
“Because I didn’t tell him about Loyola.”
That
surprised her. “I thought he knew about Loyola?”
“He knew I applied, but he didn’t know I was definitely going.”
She straightened up and crossed her arms. “Honey, that doesn’t make any sense. If you applied, the chances were very good that you were definitely going.”
“I know, right?” I looked up, thinking she was on my side, but she was still being neutral.
“What else happened?” she said.
I shrugged. “That’s all. Renee went and told him, which
I
should’ve been mad about—she was practically all over him. But he turned it into something about Jack. Like I didn’t tell him because I was keeping my options open or something.”
Mom looked down for a second. “Were you?”
“No! I didn’t tell anybody! But it wasn’t because of Jack. I don’t know what it was.” My eyes were watery. “He didn’t even try to understand.”
She exhaled, and our arms were almost touching on the bar. “Julian’s been at your side for months, Anna. He’s a bright, attractive guy. You’ve got to make a decision.”
“I did make a decision! I was with him! How else could we have broken up?”
She shook her head. “He must’ve sensed some hesitation. Did you say you were sorry?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to get back together?”
“Yes!” Even with him acting like he’d moved on, I missed him so bad it hurt. I felt like he’d reached in and pulled my heart out and walked off with it. I could barely look at my window or my ring or the dolphin in the quad or even wrought-iron fencing without tears. I’d started chewing spearmint gum I was so miserable.
She moved around and leaned beside me. “Did you tell him that?”
“No,” I said softly.
“Why not?”
“I don’t think it matters to him anymore,” I said quietly.
“Or maybe that’s all he needs to hear.”
Tears were forming quickly. “He wants me to beg?” I sniffed. I could almost visualize me doing it.
“Not beg.” Mom reached over and smoothed my hair back. “Just say clearly that you want to be with him.”
I shook my head. It couldn’t be that easy.
She patted my cheek gently. “Know what? Just give it some time. Julian really likes you. I bet he comes around.”
I decided to wear old jeans and a sweater to the bonfire. My talk with Mom had only made me feel worse, and I almost called Summer to cancel. If it hadn’t been senior year, I probably would’ve.
She arrived right at seven, and I drove us to the Hawkins farm. It was the same location as the Halloween hay maze, and the memories of kissing Julian in October were almost too much. Still, I pushed through. The faculty and several parents had erected a huge pile of logs, and they were just starting the blaze when we walked up. Slowly the flames grew, and after a few minutes, the night sky was brilliantly lit with orange and yellow, tiny sparks flickered up into the air like fireflies from the dry wood.
Some of the mothers were setting out supplies to make s’mores, and a few of our musical classmates had formed a circle to play guitars and sing. I walked through the crowd waving and doing my best to smile and socialize. I picked up a marshmallow, but I ended up tossing it in the fire. A chocolate square was more what I wanted. I leaned against the supply table eating the rich, sugary treat, watching my classmates enjoy themselves. The bonfire was warm on the cool night. If everything were different, it would’ve been the perfect event to share with Julian. I could just imagine sitting on one of the logs, his arms around me. I’d probably lean back and kiss his neck. A sniff jerked my chest, and I took another bite of chocolate. This was a bad idea.
Rachel and Brad finally showed up, and I walked over to greet them. “I think you’ve created a tradition, Rach,” I said. “Everybody seems to love it.”
“Thanks,” she smiled, holding Brad’s arm. “So who’s your friend?”
“Oh, I just rode over with Summer Daigle. She’s roasting marshmallows, I think.”
“I didn’t know you two hung out.” Rachel looked like she was about to start laughing. “Isn’t she a bit… much?”
“Yes!” I answered loudly.
Rachel burst out laughing then. “So what’s the deal?”
I shrugged, pushing my hands into my front pockets and feeling the tiniest bit less miserable. “One day I finally lost it and told her to knock it off, and guess what?”
“What?”
“She did!”
We both laughed then, and it felt good to smile for a change. “I think you had a learning experience.” Rachel said, but her expression instantly changed. “Don’t look now,” she exhaled quietly.
Her eyes traveled behind me, and I turned in time to see Julian walking up with Renee hanging on his arm. For a split second my knees gave out, and I thought I might fall. But I caught Rachel’s arm and turned back to face her, doing my best to keep my expression neutral.
“Hey! Rachel and
Anna
!” Renee called out. Her smug grin twisted my insides, and she tried to dash over to us. But Julian hung back.
“Great bonfire,” Renee said, joining us alone. “Why didn’t we do this last year?”
“Because you didn’t have a brilliant head cheerleader to come up with it last year,” Rachel said. I hated that they were friends.
“Of course. I should’ve known,” Renee smiled.
The two continued talking, and Julian slowly joined us. I couldn’t look at his face, but I watched Renee’s fingers tighten on his arm. It felt like they were tightening around my throat. When our eyes met briefly, his didn’t seem happy. Or maybe that was what I wanted to see. I blinked away the mist clouding mine.
“I didn’t think you’d be here,” he said quietly.
I couldn’t answer. It was like I was back on that other planet again, only my heart and stomach and insides had been left on Earth. I was hollow and miserable.
“You okay?” Rachel said to me.
I shook my head, trying to break the spell. “I think I’m going home.”
My voice sounded strange, everything sounded strange. I made my way to my car feeling like I was alone in a tunnel, and I had to get to the end of it before I lost control. I didn’t worry about Summer. She’d find a way home. There were plenty of parents here. I just had to leave. I had to crawl under my bed and never come out. I had to get as far away as I possibly could. Two weeks wasn’t long enough to get over this. No amount of time would be.
At home, I opted for
in
my bed instead of under it. I lay in the silent room for many long minutes before crawling back out again and putting on soft music to fill the empty air with sound. Maybe it would help me sleep. Back under my blankets, I lay very still listening, thinking.
I was in love with him. No questions, no hesitation. Love. And it was too late. He was leaving for Savannah in a few months, I was headed to Loyola. He’d ended it, and on top of everything, now he was apparently back with Renee.
I wanted to throw up when I imagined her putting her hands on him. The very thought of him sleeping with her hurt so bad. Tears burned in my eyes, and my stomach clenched. I wanted to scream and cry and hit everything. I wanted to smash and break and tear things—starting with that scholarship letter.
But that wasn’t right. I was really happy and proud of that scholarship. Getting a full ride to an expensive private school was a huge deal. I just hadn’t meant for it to cost me Julian.
A huge teddy bear sat in the corner of my bedroom. It had been a twelfth birthday present, and it was nearly as big as me. I pulled him into the bed behind me and grabbed one of his huge paws, wrapping it around my waist as a hot tear slid down my nose. Stupid me. Stupid Julian. Stupid everything.
My shoulders shook as I wept. I knew he was a big part of my life, but I’d never realized just how big until now, lying here, missing him like crazy, feeling like I had lost the best thing that would ever happen to me in my entire life.
I slid my palm across the mattress, imagining it was his chest. I closed my eyes and saw the round tattoo he’d inked, remembering the day he’d stopped me in the parking lot to show it to me. He always showed me everything he did. I remembered the times he’d caught my curls and held them back to smile at me, and the feel of his fingers on mine as he measured them for my ring. I remembered sitting by his bed all night in the hospital, waiting for him to wake up after the car crash when we’d almost lost him. Lastly, and most painfully, I remembered his kiss.
A low, painful groan rose from deep in my stomach, and I sat up and threw the bear on the floor. Just then I heard a soft tap on my window. Our eyes met through the glass, and I was across the room and undoing the lock before my feet even touched the floor.
Julian slid through the opening and onto the rug with me as our lips found each others’. I could barely breathe. All I could do was hold his shoulders and kiss him again and again.
“Oh, Julian.” I whispered, my cheeks wet with tears.
He smoothed my hair back from my face and looked into my eyes. I almost couldn’t believe it. What was he doing here? His hands held my cheeks, and for a moment we simply blinked at each other. I slid my hands to his, and we both smiled. He lowered his face and kissed me again, soft and slow. His warm lips parted mine as our tongues lightly touched. Happiness bloomed in my chest, and I leaned forward to hug him. Just to press his warm body to mine. It was so good.
After a minute, I sat back. “But… Renee?”
He laced our fingers in his lap. “Left her at the bonfire. She can catch a ride with Rachel.” He pulled my hand up to kiss it. “I couldn’t stand seeing you so sad. I can’t stand us being apart.”
I pulled his face to mine again, kissing him as hard as I could. He moved me onto his lap, and I reached down, tugging on his sweater. He quickly whipped it off, and our lips reconnected as my hands slid down his bare back. His low groan thrilled me, and I hugged him even closer. It was so good to be in this place again, and I wanted so much more. I never wanted to let him go
His fingers slipped beneath my shirt, and when he touched my skin, I pulled away. We were both breathing fast, and his brow creased. “What?” he breathed.
It was time. I had to tell him everything. Well, not everything. His parents’ secret had to stay between us, but otherwise, he needed to know everything.
I took a breath and blurted. “I’ve never done it before, and I’m a little nervous.”
I paused and the room was silent. He still seemed confused, and my throat went dry, which made me talk even faster. “I mean, I am. And maybe a little intimidated. Because of Renee and all… And I’m sorry for that. But I know I love you. I really do. And I want to be with you, and I want
it
to be with you. I mean, I’m not saying no. I’m not saying anything. I don’t know why I said that.” I rubbed my forehead and kept going, trying to get it right. “I mean, now that I know how I feel, I want to be everything with you. I mean… I just want us to be together. In every way. You know?”
I looked up and tried to reach for him, but he caught my hand. “Will you stop talking?” His blue eyes had softened, and I closed my mouth, waiting. “Now what did you just say?”
My heart beat so fast it hurt. “I said I love you.”
He lifted my face to kiss me, and a huge wave of relief rushed through my body. “I heard that part.” His lips curved into the smile that melted me every time. “And it’s about time you said it.”
“I’ve said it before.” I softly touched his lips, remembering the night at the hospital. “You just weren’t conscious the first time.”
He caught my hand and kissed my finger before lowering both. “But that’s not what I meant. Did you say you’ve never done it before?”
I pushed back and looked down, embarrassed. “If you make fun of me, I’m leaving.”
His laugh was as easy as his smile. “But we’re at your house.”
“Then I’ll go to your house.” I tried to stand, but he caught my waist.
“I’ll just come get you.” He pulled me back down against him, and I put my cheek on his bare chest. I couldn’t look at him. My heart was still beating too hard.
After a few moments, he spoke. “Is that what you said?”
I nodded, and he leaned back against the wall next to me with an exhale. I slid into his side and under his arm, and we were silent a few moments longer. I chewed my lip, staring at my socks and waiting. Would he leave now? Say it was too much? He couldn’t deal with this?
“So all that time, you and Jack never—”
“No.” I didn’t want to go there. With Jack, it had been over. He’d brought me home.
Julian turned and kissed my head. His arm was across my shoulders. “I don’t care. I just always thought he was the problem.”
My brow clutched. “In what way?”
“Like he was why you held back. I thought you missed him or something. And really it was—”
“I didn’t. I don’t miss him.” These last few weeks had shown me exactly who I missed and just how much. And he was here beside me.