Julian planned all our dates with plenty of activity, but we were both silently watching for any chance we’d get to be alone. It was starting to wear me out, and I imagined how this week might’ve gone had he not been working at his mom’s store. Then I thought of rabbits.
Friday we’d planned to see a movie. Our date started with our new routine—I got in the car, and he glanced at me and smiled. It was like lightening shooting through me, all the way to my toes. I smiled back before quickly looking down again. I couldn’t think of a thing to say. I only wanted to grab him and jump him right there on the spot.
We drove in silence, but instead of heading to the theater, he took me to the Romar Beach pavilion. The public lot was empty after dark, and by the time he’d killed the engine, I was out of my seatbelt and in his arms.
Our kisses were even different now. I couldn’t catch my breath, and my heart was pounding in my ears. My eyes were closed, and I was reaching, kissing any part of him I could find. His lips traveled from my jaw to my neck, and I heard myself make a little sound like a yelp. It was all heat and pounding and trying to pull him closer to me than was humanly possible. Until he leaned back, holding me away from him by my shoulders, eyes closed. We were both breathing heavily.
“We’ve got to do something,” he said in a hoarse whisper.
“I agree,” I leaned toward him, but he stopped me.
“Not that.”
“Julian…” I pleaded.
“I shouldn’t have brought us here.” He wouldn’t look at me. “We should go to the movie. Or some place with lots of lights. And people.”
I slid my hand down to his stomach, but he caught my wrist. “Seriously, Anna. Your first time’s not going to be in a damn car.”
My eyes closed, and I lightly placed my forehead on his cheek. “How can you be this way all of a sudden?”
“I don’t like it either.” He calmed his breathing. “But what you’ve done is special.”
“I’m tired of being special.” I kissed his cheek, lightly moving my lips over his skin, back toward his mouth. “I want to be with you.”
“Dammit.” He slid me off his lap with a groan, turning back to face the steering wheel. For a minute he didn’t say anything then he let out a deep exhale. “That’s kind of been on my mind, too.”
I reached over and ran my finger down his lined upper arm, imagining it wrapped around my bare body. I shivered. “What’s on your mind?”
His eyes met mine. “You’re special. And you want to be with me.”
My brow lined, and I moved my hand from his arm toward his stomach. “So? I love you.”
He guided my wrist around his waist and pulled me into a hug. With my head on his chest, I could hear his heart pounding as fast as mine.
“I love you, too,” he said. “But well, I’ve got nothing over here. I’m gambling on everything, and I can’t make any promises to you. I don’t even know who I am—”
I sat up fast, glaring. “Oh my god.”
“What?”
“Is this about not knowing who your dad is?”
“I know that’s getting old…”
I slid across the seat, threw open my door, and stomped out of the car, headed to the water.
“OH MY GOD!” I yelled into the black night. Then I ran hard, all the way to the shore, and spun around. “Are you KIDDING ME?!” I yelled up at Phoenician V or VI or whichever the hell one was towering over us.
“Anna, shhh!” Julian ran up and grabbed my arm.
“I QUIT!” I yelled at the giant tower of concrete. “Do you hear me? This is IT!”
“Seriously. Anna.” Julian forced me to look at him. “You’re scaring the tourists.”
I jerked out of his hands and stomped away, down the water’s edge. Julian trotted up behind me laughing. “So why are you yelling at the high rises again?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” I grumbled.
“Yes. That’s why I asked.”
“Julian.” I stopped walking and looked at him. His blue eyes shone, and I shook my head. I couldn’t do it. I’d promised. And I hated that promise right now with every fiber of my being. “I don’t care about your family or who your dad is.” That was true at least. “I love you. You’re special to me, and I want to be with you.”
He took both my hands in his. “I care.”
“I know.”
Lowering himself to the dry sand facing the black Gulf, he pulled me next to him, stroking the inside of my arm. No one was around, and I lay my head on his shoulder.
“I was just thinking if I had a little more time,” he said. “Maybe, I don’t know. Maybe I could get you a ring or something.”
“A ring?” Pressure was building behind my eyes.
“I know. It sounds nuts, but it feels different with us now. More serious, more like something important.”
“We’re not old enough to be making those kinds of decisions,” I sighed, thinking of his dad’s advice.
“Are you even on the pill?” he looked down at me.
Speaking of his dad!
“No.” I was suddenly embarrassed. “I guess haven’t done my homework.”
“That wasn’t really my point, but I’m glad I asked.” He sighed and looked out at the water. “I just… I really love you, and I want everything to be good for you.”
“It’s great,” I said, squeezing his hand. “We’ve been building to this for years. And you did give me a ring.”
He looked at me, and I couldn’t stop. I pulled his face to mine and pressed our lips together. It was an insistent kiss. I wasn’t letting him go, but I didn’t have to. He pulled me toward him and we were back in the place we’d been in the car, hands searching, bodies drawn together like magnets, wanting everything all at once. But again he pulled up for air.
“I’m not marrying you, Julian.” I wailed, dropping my head to his chest.
“Never?” he laughed, lifting my chin.
“Not in the next five years. So if you’re planning to make me wait that long, you can just forget it.”
“You’re breaking up with me over sex? Isn’t that supposed to be my deal?”
“Stop it.” I pulled my face away. I wanted to cry. I’d never felt so desperate in my life. My whole body was on fire, and it hurt. “I just want you to touch me.”
I took his hands and slid them to my waist under my shirt. I pressed my mouth to his and for a moment, his fingers traveled lightly up my back to my bra. Hesitating, they continued around, cupping the front under my shirt.
I was drowning again as I slid my hand to his waist, finding his skin at the edge of his jeans. I pulled up the soft fabric of his tee and lightly touched his stomach.
Suddenly he was gone. My lips were still in a pucker, and he was down at the water away from me. I watched as he stripped off his shirt and slipped out of his jeans before diving into the dark Gulf waters.
I fell forward, laying my head on my forearm in the sand. “I’m going to kill your parents,” I sighed, watching him come out of the surf again in his boxers and rub his hands quickly through is hair, throwing water everywhere.
He pulled his shirt back on and jerked his jeans up over his wet body. “That actually works,” he said, walking up to me and helping me stand. The drops of water that hit me were like ice.
“What?” I asked.
“The whole cold shower trick. Come on.”
“Where are we going?”
“Somewhere… not here.”
As we drove back toward Fairview, I watched him under the passing streetlights. I turned sideways in the seat to face him, my knees pulled to my chest. My head was leaning back against the seat, and I remembered that first night in my bedroom when he had pulled my shirt up so fast and covered my breasts with burning kisses. I closed my eyes and shivered. To have a do-over of
that
night…
I remembered the sensation of his skin against mine and how he’d held me. How could he be so restrained now? I couldn’t figure it out. I kept remembering his body curled up behind me in my small bed. It had been so wonderful when I could drift to sleep knowing he’d be there until the early hours. I could feel his breathing, his warm arm around my waist…
I lifted my head, and we were sitting in my driveway in the car. Julian had slid over next to me, and he was sitting with his feet on the dash and his arm around behind my head. I’d fallen asleep for who knows how long.
“I’m sorry,” I said, sitting up groggy.
He slid a curl off my cheek. “I miss watching you sleep.”
“Come inside,” I pleaded. “Spend the night.”
“Nope,” he grinned.
I exhaled and sat all the way up grabbing the door handle and pushing the heavy door open. I stomped all the way to my front door, Julian right behind me.
“Don’t be a baby,” he said.
“I just don’t get it, Julian. I don’t get you.”
“That’s really hard for me to accept,” he said.
“What?”
“That you suddenly don’t get me.”
I stood on the step in front of my door, and from that height, I could rest my elbows on his shoulders. He slipped his hands in my back pockets and pulled our bodies together.
“So that’s the deal,” I said.
“What?”
“I have the ring, you find out who your dad is, and things can go back to the way they were with us?” I leaned forward and kissed him, long and slow. “Plus some extra stuff?”
His hands slid out of my pockets and held my waist for a long pause before he straightened me up on the step. “Sure,” he shrugged. “That can be the deal. What did you have in mind?”
“Leave it to me.”
His forehead creased. “What are you going to do?”
“Nothing. Get some rest, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” I kissed him lightly and then opened the door.
Looking back, I watched him walk slowly to the T-bird. I had no idea what I planned to do, but at least I had an idea of where to start. I ran to my room and grabbed my ring off the holder on my dresser. This little memento wasn’t leaving my finger ever again.
Chapter 21
Somehow being back in school made it easier to keep our hands to ourselves. Teachers like Ms. Harris were probably the reason. We always had to drop the hugs and distance ourselves before resuming our pre-breakup seating arrangement. I couldn’t tell if the poor student we kept displacing was simply irritated or really mad. I decided to bake him some cookies or something as an apology token.
“You paid attention those last few weeks in class,” Julian whispered as I pulled out my notebook. “You might pass after all.”
“Maybe we should break up more often,” I teased, looking up at the board.
“No way. I’ll be
your
tutor for a change,” he winked.
“I know one thing you can teach me.”
His eyes gleamed, and he leaned back in his seat that sly grin on his lips. It had been a while since I’d seen it. “Keep that up, and I might forget about our deal.”
A little charge raced from my stomach to my toes. “Is that all it takes?”
Sensing a presence, I glanced up to see our teacher standing over me, a stern look on her face. I jumped and returned to solving the word problem from the board. From the corner of my eye, I saw Julian sit forward and do the same.
Lunchtime found us all at our regular spot in the quad with Rachel, Brad, and his entire entourage hanging around. Now Rachel’s party-planning had shifted to prom-mode, and it was more intense than ever. My mind traveled to dresses and skirt lengths and possible after-prom activities when Wade walked up with Montage.
“They arrested those guys who jumped you in the parking lot,” Wade said, stopping at Brad.
“When?” Brad stood. “Who were they?”
Montage shrugged. “Claim to be random jackasses collecting video for some high school fight club. Said they didn’t know who you were.”
“What?” Rachel cried. Brad sat down, exhaling in disbelief.
Wade continued. “I don’t believe it either, but there’s an upside.”
“Increased interest in the basketball team?” Julian teased from where he sat with me leaning against his chest.
“Make that two,” Wade returned. “Now they know about the guys after Mo.”
Montage sat down heavily. “I’m sorry, bro,” he said under his breath.
Brad clapped him on the shoulder. “It’s all good. They’ll find those guys, and then you can rest easy.”
“I guess I did take one for the team,” Julian joked after lunch as he walked me to class. My phone buzzed, and I pulled it out to see a text from Lucy.
Coffee after school?
it said.
“Oh, wow. I haven’t talked to Lucy in ages,” I said under my breath. “I need to meet up with her.”
“I’m still helping Blake with that truck,” Julian said. “Take off.”
I texted her back that I’d be there. “He should give you a discount on it,” I said.
I thought about Mr. Kyser and wondered what the hold up might be. Maybe he was figuring out a way to surprise Julian? Maybe a graduation present? He needed to hurry up.
“I’ll tell him you said that.” Julian kissed my head and took off.