The No Cry Discipline Solution (24 page)

a short, concise statement. Repeat yourself if necessary, but don’t

elaborate and lecture.

Think It, Say It, Mean It, Do It

A common complaint from parents is that their child “doesn’t ever

listen to me” or “won’t do what I ask the fi rst time.” As frustrating

as this is, I must inform you that the main reason children don’t

listen to their parents is because their parents don’t require it. This

is a common mistake that even the best parents make. They repeat

a request over and over and over, until they either explode or give

up. To compound the problem, the fi rst request made is not well

planned, so it isn’t followed through to the end.

For example, a parent calls to a child that it’s time to leave the

house but then gets busy with something along the way. A bit

later, the parent calls, “Ready to go!” but again gets sidetracked

on the way to the door. Only after a few more rounds of this game

is the parent actually—fi nally—ready to leave. The child, in the

meantime, has been ignoring all requests made. Another example

is a parent who asks a child to clean up his toys. After several more

requests, the parent realizes how late it is and rounds the child

up for bed (cleaning up the toys after said child is asleep). For a

slightly older child, a parent likely adds a monologue about “why

do I have to always clean up myself?”

If done once, this
asking, not meaning it, and not following through

wouldn’t be a big problem, but since the pattern happens frequently,

the child learns that the parent’s requests are optional.

Discipline and Cooperation: Choose Your Adventure

91

It can signifi cantly simplify your life if you will adhere to this

blueprint as often as possible:

• Think through your needs fi rst.

• Make a clear and specifi c request.

• Follow through (with calm and purpose) if your child doesn’t

comply.

Daily Routines: Predictability Triumphs

Children respond to predictable patterns in their lives. These rou-

tines function as subconscious cues as to how they should act or

what they should do. Very often, though, the routines that they

are following have happened accidentally and are contrary to what

parents really want. For instance, a child may have a routine of

falling asleep on the sofa to the sound of the television. The par-

ents bemoan the fact that he won’t fall asleep in bed, but since he

falls asleep on the sofa night after night, it is his routine.

Consistency and routine create feelings of security and reliabil-

ity in your child’s life. It’s a very big world, and children learn so

much every day that they can easily become overwhelmed with

the enormity of it all. When certain important key points are

always the same, these things create anchors of security. Young

children look for these anchors and thrive on their consistency.

They enjoy routines and easily adapt to them, even looking for

them. So it is far better if we
create
the routines we want them to follow. If we don’t create routines, children will adopt their own,

similar to the little boy who sleeps on the sofa.

If we aren’t happy with the way our days are fl owing now, we

can change our child’s current routines to ones that we choose.

Children adapt easily, and when something happens consistently

in their lives, they will look for it to continue in that same way.

I remember one Sunday morning a long time ago when my hus-

band woke early to discover our boys, David and Coleton, already

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

Matthew Jr., age 2

awake. Since they were the only ones awake in the house, Daddy

decided to take them out to breakfast. The following Sunday

morning our girls were away at sleepovers, and I was busy writing,

so Daddy decided to again take the boys out for breakfast. The

third week, Robert and I were awakened by the boys standing at

the side of our bed. “Daddy! Wake up!” they were whispering. “It’s

Sunday and we
always
go out to breakfast on Sunday!”

In my sons’ analysis of their world, two weeks in a row equaled

“always,” creating a new routine for them. If you think about this,

it may bring to mind similar situations that have occurred with

your child—a certain book that
must
be read, a specifi c path your stroll
must
follow, a certain order a game
must
take, a particular phrase that
must
be said before you leave the house or turn out

the lights for sleep.

Discipline and Cooperation: Choose Your Adventure

93

We can take advantage of this natural desire children have for

routine by creating specifi c routines to help the days fl ow more

smoothly. Since most children share the same reasoning as my

sons about “always,” it takes thirty days or less for them to adopt a

new routine as normal.

It can be helpful to think about the key points in your days and

jot down how these actions will fi t together. For example, does

it bother you when your children run around in their pajamas

all morning? Do you prefer that your children get dressed before

breakfast? Then make that part of your daily routine. Do you hate

waking up to a family room cluttered with toys? Make toy cleanup

part of the pre-bedtime routine. Once your children fall into the

familiar pattern of action, it will happen without stress or nagging,

making your home happier and more peaceful for all.

To create your daily routine, write down the approximate times

and sequence of key family events, such as waking, dressing, eat-

Parent-Speak

“ We both work full-time, and we have a nanny care for our

twins while we’re at work. She has them on a great schedule.

For a while we both ignored that schedule on the weekends

because we just wanted to relax and play with them. How-

ever, we saw the behavior differences were extreme. They

were calm and happy during the week, but they were cranky

and needy and had more tantrums on the weekends. Once

we realized this, we began to keep them on the weekday

schedule for the weekends, too. We really see the difference

when they wake, eat, and sleep on schedule versus when

they don’t. It has really helped keep the crankiness and tan-

trums to a minimum.”

—Lorraine and Alan, parents to Marc and Mira, age 2

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

ing, playtime, cleanup time, nap time, and bedtime. Decide how

you’d like your days to proceed. Fashion a poster listing the main

events. To take this one step further, you can also create your fam-

ily rules as described earlier and add them to the poster. Now you

have a daily guideline to follow.

Keep in mind that no routine is made to be set in stone. No

rules are absolute. You can be fl exible when you decide to. How-

ever, purposefully
choosing
to veer off your routine or rules is far different than accidentally falling into chaos!

Just a note here for those of you who
don’t
live by routines and

those who
don’t
like to follow or create routines. As in all parenting advice, the overriding tenet is to do what works for you. If

your family functions beautifully in a relaxed go-with-the-fl ow sort

of way, then don’t change a thing. Any new idea is only worth

exploring if you think it will make your life easier or happier.

Success with Happy Face Cards

Many children respond well to a visual reminder about how to

behave appropriately. A Happy Face poster is a wonderful method