The No Cry Discipline Solution (28 page)

No matter how diligent you are in reading and recognizing your

child’s needs and emotions, your child will still have meltdown

moments—or even meltdown days. The following tips can help

you handle these inevitable bumps in the road. Look through and

study these tips in advance of the next episode. You might even

keep them handy so that in a moment of need you’ll have some

options to consider. (See Reminder Page: Stop the Tantrums, Fuss-

ing, and Whining, on page 125.)

Remember that all children are different, all parents are differ-

ent, and all situations are different. So the ideas that you use may

change from situation to situation, from child to child, and from

day to day. Be fl exible and practice with those solutions that seem

to bring you the best results.

• Offer choices.
You may be able to avoid problems by giving

your child more of a say in her life. You can do this, while still

maintaining control, by offering your child choices, as discussed

previously. Children who are busy deciding what to do next are

often distracted away from their emotional outbursts.

• Get eye to eye.
Making a casual request from fi ve feet above

and twenty feet away will likely result in your child ignoring you.

This noncompliance creates stress that often leads to fussing and

tantrums—from both of you. Instead, get down to your child’s

level and look him in the eye and make clear, concise requests.

This style of communicating will catch his full attention.

• Validate her feelings.
When your child is having an emo-

tional time, help her identify and understand her emotions. Give

words to her feelings. “You’re really sad. You want to stay here and

play. I know.” Of course this doesn’t mean you must give in to her

Tantrums, Fussing, and Whining: The Big Three

113

request, but sometimes just letting her know that you understand

her problem is enough to help her calm down.

• Let it happen naturally.
If your child doesn’t calm down

with gentle efforts, then sometimes it’s best to let the tantrum run

its course. Children have strong emotions, and at times they need

to release them in their own way. If your child doesn’t respond to

your help, and as long as her fussing or tantrum is not dangerous

to her or to property, feel free to say, “I’m leaving the room. Come

and get me when you’re done.” And do just that. Busy yourself with

something else (peeking in on her, of course), and wait patiently

for your child to calm down.

• Create a calm-down room.
If tantrums, fussing, or whining

are a daily occurrence, then let your child know in advance that

all such behavior will take place in one specifi c room, such as a

spare bedroom, the bathroom, or the laundry room. (Avoid using a

child’s bedroom or playroom for this.) Once there he can let go of

his feelings and come out when he has calmed down—you might

call this the calm-down room or the peaceful room.

Put something in the room that can assist your child in calming

down. Leave a number of comforting stuffed animals, a pillow, and

a blanket in the room. You might provide a CD player with relax-

ing lullaby music or a white noise machine. These play the sounds

of ocean waves or rainfall and are a great help in achieving relax-

ation. Turn on the music or sounds when your child goes to the

room, or, even better, show your child how to work the machine.

Let’s say that your child is having frequent daily tantrums. At

a time when you are both relaxed, explain that you’ve created a

special room just for him when he is upset and not in control.

Explain exactly what a tantrum looks like (give a demonstration).

Let your child know that when this happens, he’ll need to move

to the calm-down room. Show him how to turn on his music or

white noise. When a tantrum starts, you can escort your child

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

to the room with one brief comment, “You can come out when

you’re done.” If he comes out of the room and is still having the

tantrum, just lead him back, repeating, “You can come out when

you’re done.” You might even choose to stay with him.

When your child calms down and comes out of the room, then

it is time to deal with whatever issue upset him—if it still needs to

be addressed. If the tantrum occurred over a trivial issue, then it’s

best to just leave it in the past and move on to the next activity.

At fi rst your child may spend the whole day in the calm-down

room, but he will learn how to calm himself and control his emo-

tions—an important life skill.

• Teach deep breathing and relaxation (the Quiet Bunny).

When children get worked up, their breathing often becomes rapid

and shallow and their bodies become rigid. These physiological

symptoms can keep a child in an agitated state and prevent relax-

ation. You can teach your child how to relax her body and then

use this approach when whining, fussing, or tantrums begin.

This technique is easier to use in times of stress if your child is

familiar and comfortable with it. You may want to end each day

or start each morning with a brief relaxation session that you do

together. If you practice yoga, you can use some of your familiar

moves, or check out one of the many books available about yoga

for children.

If you prefer a simpler idea, just coach your child through a brief

exercise I call the Quiet Bunny:

Let’s be a Quiet Bunny.

Close your eyes.

Relax.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

It’s time for the bunny to relax.

Wiggle your bunny nose. Now make your bunny face be still

and relax.

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115

Wiggle your toes. Now make your toes relax.

Wiggle your fi ngers. Now make your fi ngers relax.

(You can add more body parts, such as arms, shoulders, and

legs if your child has the patience or need.)

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Relax.

Now you are a quiet bunny.

This can be a very helpful technique with children since they

can be susceptible to your gentle suggestions of relaxation. Once

your child is familiar with this process, you can call upon it when-

ever he is agitated (or getting you agitated!). Crouch down to your

child’s level, put your hands on his shoulders, look him in the eye,

and say, “Let’s do our Quiet Bunny.” Then talk him through the

process. Over time, you won’t have to talk him through this—

just mentioning it and asking him to close his eyes will bring the

relaxation.

If the Quiet Bunny doesn’t help your child relax, you can move

to the calm-down room.

• Express yourself.
Children’s behavior sometimes deteriorates

because they can’t describe exactly how they feel or what’s happen-

ing to them. And they don’t understand how their behavior affects

others. Since your child likely can’t do this herself, you can express

this for her. Try to guess what she is feeling, and put it into words

for her. Verbalize how
you
feel about what she’s doing. Be calm and clear. Use short, simple sentences. It’s even okay to tell her that

you are getting upset—so that you can demonstrate to her what to

do with intense emotions by modeling how you handle yours.

• Tell him what you
do
want.
Instead of focusing on the misbehavior and what you don’t want him to do, explain exactly

what you’d like your child to do or say instead. Acknowledge your

child’s feelings, and give him the tools to calm himself and the

words to express his emotions. Help your child by demonstrating

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

Sample Situation

Suggested Parent Response

Your two children are

You take the toy in hand as you crouch

fi ghting over a toy. They down to their level. Say, “You both want

are grabbing it and

this toy right now, but there is only one

pushing each other.

toy. Pushing and grabbing isn’t a nice way

to play. It’s better to use your words and

make a plan. Would you like me to set

the timer so you can each have a turn to

play with it, or do you want me to put it

away?”

You and your child are

“I know you want a cookie and it’s hard

in the grocery store,

when I say no. To grow up strong and

shopping before dinner. healthy you need to eat your nutritious

He wants a cookie, you

dinner fi rst and a cookie later. Can you

say no, and a stream

ask nicely? Say, ‘Mommy, can we buy a

of fussing and whining

cookie and eat it later?’ ”

ensues.

Your child wants you to

Get down to your child’s level, look her

get her a glass of milk

in the eye, and say, “I can’t understand

and is whining about it.

you when you use a whining voice.

Please use your big-girl voice and say,

‘Mommy, may I please have a drink?’ ”

or modeling exactly what you want to see or hear. Above are three

examples.

• Distract and involve.
Children can easily be distracted

when a new or more interesting activity is suggested. If your child

is whining or fussing, try viewing it as an “activity” that your child

is engaged in. Since children aren’t very good multitaskers (they

tend to focus on one thing at a time), you might be able to end

the unpleasant activity with the recommendation of something

different to do. Ignore the fussing for a moment and offer a new

activity. For example, if you’re in a grocery store and your child is

fussing, get his attention and ask, “Can you pick out three nice

Tantrums, Fussing, and Whining: The Big Three

117

green apples for me?” If what you’re offering sounds more fun than

fussing, your child just might take you up on your offer.

• Invoke her imagination.
If a child is upset about something

not going her way, it can help to vocalize her fantasy of what she

wishes would happen:

“I bet you wish we could buy every single toy in this store.”

“Wouldn’t it be fun if vegetables were like cookies? I’d say,

‘Eat your chocolate chip broccoli!’ ”

“I wish we could stay home all day today and build the big-

gest Lego castle ever!”

Children with active imaginations may take the ball and run with

it—expanding on your story and creating the best imaginary out-

come. This can often change the total direction of your child’s

emotional outburst.

• Use the preventive approach.
Review with your child the

desired behavior prior to leaving the house, when entering a public

building, or before you begin a play date. This can often prevent

the whining or tantrum from even beginning. Put your comments

in the positive (tell what you want, not what you don’t want) and

be specifi c. Prior to entering a store, you might say, “Eric, we’re

going into the toy store now. We are going to buy a birthday gift

for Troy. We are not buying anything for ourselves today. If you see

something you like, let me know and I’ll put it on your wish list.

I want you to remember to walk beside me, use your quiet voice,

and keep your hands to yourself.”

• Make an announcement.
When your child begins talk-

ing to you in a whiny, fussy voice, tell her, “When you use your

normal voice I will listen to you.” Then turn your back to your

whining child and make it obvious you are ignoring her by doing

a chore or reading a book held in front of your face. If the child

continues to whine, repeat the same sequence, without engaging