The No Cry Discipline Solution (27 page)

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Tantrums, Fussing,

and Whining

The Big Three

Tantrum
—an uncontrolled display of negative emotion or bad

temper

Fussing
—excessive and unwarranted crying, complaining, and

protesting

Whining
—carrying on in a mournful, high-pitched (extremely

annoying) voice

If you asked people to list the most frustrating, ongoing discipline

problems during the early childhood years, you would probably

fi nd that these three items appear on almost every parent’s and

caregiver’s list. Some children start these behaviors at two years

old (those notorious terrible twos), and some wait until they are

closer to age four. Some children are champion whiners but rarely

fuss or tantrum, and some are grand tantrumers, rarely whining or

fussing. Some children put most of their energy into fussing and

just dabble in whining and tantrums. Yet every child masters his or

her own adaptation of these three behaviors, which means every

parent has to deal with them—no one is exempt!

Controlling Their Emotions

Most often, whining, fussing, and tantrums are caused by a child’s

inability to express or control his emotions, and this is further

complicated by the infl uence of other people’s demands and exter-

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

nal conditions. Tiredness, hunger, frustration, and many of the

other causes that ignite “the big three” can frequently be avoided,

modifi ed, or eliminated. When you can pinpoint the root reason

for your child’s unpleasant behavior and address that issue directly,

you can calm your child and stop the whining or tantrum in its

tracks. If you become very observant and learn how to identify

your child’s emotional triggers
before
they can be set off, you may be able to prevent many negative situations from even happening.

When your child begins a meltdown, stop, look, and think to

determine if you can tell what underlying issue is causing the prob-

lem. Most children have meltdowns because of the same repeated

reasons. Once you understand what these reasons are, you will be

able to make changes to reduce the tantrums, fussing, and whin-

ing that occur. The following chart includes a list of many likely

reasons and some possible solutions.

Reason for Tantrums,

Fussing, or Whining

Possible Solutions

Overtiredness

• Provide a quiet, relaxing activity

(reading, puzzle, movie).

• Put child down for a rest or a nap or put

to bed.

• Revise the daily nap time/bedtime

schedule.

• Solve night-waking or other sleep

disturbances.

Hunger or Thirst

• Give child a nutritious, nonsugary snack.

• Provide something to drink (milk, low-

sugar juice, or water).

• Revise daily meal and snack schedule.

Tantrums, Fussing, and Whining: The Big Three

109

Reason for Tantrums,

Fussing, or Whining

Possible Solutions

Frustration

• Help child achieve his or her goal (e.g.,

assist with the puzzle, pour the milk).

• Provide supervised practice so your

child can master whatever skill is leading

to the frustration.

• Remove the source of the frustration.

• Use distraction (get child involved in

something else).

Fear/Anxiety/

• Hug, hold, or cuddle your child.

Embarrassment

• Remove child from diffi cult situation.

• Help him identify and understand his

feelings (explain what’s happening).

• Teach child ways to cope with his

emotions.

Unhappiness After

• Let him be unhappy (if, for example,

Complying with

it is because you said no cookie, stop

Your Request

running, or don’t jump).

• Allow him to express his feelings about

not being able to do what he wants to

do (as long as he complied with your

request).

Inability to

• Try to fi gure out what your child wants.

Communicate

• Teach a nonverbal child basic sign

language.

• Calmly encourage him to tell you or

show you.

• Help him by getting him started on what

to say: “Please say, ‘Mommy, I need

help.’ ”

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

Reason for Tantrums,

Fussing, or Whining

Possible Solutions

Resistance to Change

• Give child a fi ve-minute, a three-minute,

(Leaving a Place or an

and then a one-minute warning. This

Activity)

allows time for child to make the

adjustment from one activity to the

next. (See 5-3-1 Go! on page 81.)

• Offer a choice. “Do you want to walk to

the car or run?”

• In the future, verbally rehearse child’s

schedule in advance of the event (so

she knows what to expect).

Overstimulation

• Move child away from the activity to

a quiet place (e.g., the bathroom for a

visit or the kitchen for a snack).

•

Get down to your child’s level, maintain

eye contact, and talk in a soothing tone

of voice.

• Put your child on your lap and your

arms around him for a quiet hug.

Boredom

• Provide a toy to play with.

• Initiate a word game or I Spy game for

distraction.

• Tell a story.

• Take child outside to play.

• Give your child a small task to do. “Can

you fi nd the box of macaroni?” “Can you

snap these beans?” “Will you go get my

slippers for me?” “Can you pick out a

new toy for the baby?”

Discomfort

• Determine the issue and see if it can

be solved. (Shoes too tight? Socks

too bumpy? Too hot? Too cold?

Uncomfortable car seat?)

Tantrums, Fussing, and Whining: The Big Three

111

Reason for Tantrums,

Fussing, or Whining

Possible Solutions

Sickness or Pain

• Watch your child’s behavior for clues

to illness. (Undetected ear infection?

Teething? Headache? Tummy ache?

Undetected allergies or asthma?)

Confusion

• Decide if you are expecting something

different of your child every day when

this particular issue is involved.

• Create routines for everyday

occurrences.

• Create and post family rules.

Neediness

•

Determine if your child’s need is

warranted. If it is, stop the child’s

misbehavior and then provide the

attention she seeks. (If neediness is a

sign of another problem, deal with the

root issue: Boredom? Divert child to an

activity. Shyness? Slowly introduce child

to the new situation. Tiredness? Put her

down for a nap or to bed.)

Mother-Speak

“ When I got upset at my daughter I found myself telling her,

‘Sorry, honey, Mommy is really tired right now and that

makes me more frustrated.’ Then I thought, Wow, that’s the

same reason she gets upset, too. I think we just forget that

our kids really are humans like we are, with needs, desires,

and frustrations that affect their behavior.”

—Kristi, mother to Arianna, age 3

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

Tips for Handling Tantrums, Fussing,

and Whining