The No Cry Discipline Solution (48 page)

so fun (get dressed and ready for bed). A little motivation goes a

long way in helping this child adjust to changes.

What to Do

• Use a timer.
Set it for a predetermined amount of bath time.

Give a fi ve-minute warning and then a three-minute warning

before the timer goes off. Announce that when the timer rings

your child will need to get out of the tub. At the timer’s ding, be

pleasant about getting him out of the tub. Once he’s used to this

routine he’ll go along with it.

• Offer a choice.
Giving children choices moves them in your

direction because they have a say in what’s happening and are

more willing to cooperate. When it’s time to get out, stand by the

edge of the tub, hold out a towel, and offer a choice, such as, “Do

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you want to dry your hair by yourself, or do you want me to help

you?”

• Use the “when/then” technique.
Give your child a reason

to get out of the tub. Promise something fun after the bath is done.

“When you are out of the tub and dressed, then we’ll have some

hot cocoa and read a book.”

• Get silly!
Make a game out of the process. Sing a song, or

hold the towel like a puppet and make it talk to your child.

• Mean what you say.
Don’t tell your child it’s time to get out of the tub until you really mean it’s time to get out of the tub.

Repeating yourself fi ve or six times until you mean business is only

setting yourself up for a struggle the next time and the next time

and the next.

What Not to Do

• Don’t spring it on him.
If your child is having a grand time

in the bath, don’t suddenly whisk him out without prior warning.

• Don’t dawdle or waiver.
Multiple requests, nagging, and

pleading for compliance inform your child that listening to you is

optional and that he can get out of the bath when he’s ready.

• Don’t yell, threaten, or pull the plug.
Getting angry will

only lead to your child’s tears and an unpleasant end to the day for

both of you. And drastic solutions like draining the tub, dragging a

child out of the bath, or avoiding baths entirely are all disrespect-

ful to both child and parent.

Biting, Child to Adult

See also: Biting Other Children; Hitting a Parent

When I was getting my son dressed this morning,

he got upset over my choice of T-shirt for him. As I

was putting it over his head, he bit my arm. I was so

startled by this that I nearly cried!

Think About It

It’s natural to be shocked or hurt by your child’s actions, but rest

assured that your little one didn’t intend to injure you—he just

couldn’t fi nd the right words or actions to get his point across. So,

a quick bite seemed like the right solution at the time. It helps

when you understand that this behavior is normal and that it’s not

intentional misconduct. Nonetheless, it is something you’ll want

to put a halt to immediately. This is an opportunity to teach him

an important lesson in social skills.

What to Do

• Respond humanly.
Go with your natural response. Say,

“Ouch! That hurts!” Often, your startled response will send a mes-

sage to your child that what just happened wasn’t a good thing. He

may even start to cry, which indicates his understanding that he

hurt you. You can then encourage him to apologize and ask him

to kiss the place where he bit, if this is how you make his boo-boos

feel better. He will soon make the connection.

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• Watch for early signs of frustration.
When you see that

your child is unhappy, angry, or frustrated, help him to express his

feelings with words. You may need to even start him out by giving

him the specifi c words he needs, such as, “I can see that you don’t

want to wear this shirt. You can say to me, ‘Mommy, I don’t want

this shirt.’ ”

• Respond fi rmly.
Use a no-nonsense voice and tell your child,

“Stop! No biting. It hurts.” Move away from him for a few minutes

so that he understands that his actions don’t bring him positive

attention.

• Avoid biting him in play.
Children are so incredibly sweet

that parents sometimes nibble their little fi ngers, toes, or bellies.

Parents sometimes play biting games with young children. “See if

you can put your fi nger in my mouth without it chomping shut.”

Doing these things, though, might confuse your child, who may

have a hard time understanding when a bite is okay and when it’s

not. So, if you have a child who has taken a bite out of you or a

playmate, it’s best if you avoid playful biting.

What Not to Do

• Don’t bite your child back.
You don’t have to demonstrate

to make your point. This might reinforce his idea that biting is a

feasible solution to a problem. It certainly will create confusion

about what you are trying to teach.

• Don’t respond in a distressed, angry, or pleading way.
If

you overreact or accuse your child of intentionally hurting you,

then you might frighten him and prevent him from learning a

valuable lesson from the experience.

• Don’t worry.
There’s nothing “wrong” with your child;

he isn’t bad. He’s reacting in a very normal way for his stage of

development.

Biting Other Children

See also: Biting, Child to Adult; Hitting, Kicking, and

Hair Pulling; Sibling Fights

Today at the park my son bit my friend’s daughter on

the arm! I’m horrifi ed!

Think About It

Biting a playmate is a common occurrence among young children

since they don’t always have the words to describe their emotions.

They don’t quite know how to control their feelings, and they

don’t have any concept of hurting another person. When a child

bites a friend, it most likely isn’t an act of aggression. It is simply

an immature way of trying to get a point across, experimentation

with cause and effect, or playfulness gone awry.

What to Do

• Watch and intercept.
As you become familiar with your

child’s emotional actions, you may be able to stop a bite before

it even occurs. If you see that your child is getting frustrated or

angry—perhaps in the middle of a tussle about a toy—step in and

redirect her attention to something else.

• Teach.
Immediately after your child bites another child, look

her in the eye and tell her in one or two short sentences what you

want her to know and how she can make amends. “Biting hurts.

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Amelia, age 2

We don’t bite. Please say you’re sorry and ask Emmy if she’d like a

hug. That might make her feel better.”

• Give your child lessons on how she should handle her

frustrations.
Your child is going to get upset with a playmate,

so teach her some ways to handle her feelings. Tell her what she

should say or do. “If you want a toy, you can ask nicely for it or

come to Mommy for help.”

• Avoid playful biting.
Nibbling your little one’s toes or play-

fully nipping her fi ngers sends a mixed message to your child. A

child won’t understand when biting another person is okay and

when it’s not, nor is she able to judge the pressure she’s putting

into the bite. As she gets a little older, she will start to understand

that some things can be done carefully and gently in play but not

in anger. This takes more maturity to understand—more than you

can expect your child to have at her young age.

Biting Other Children

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• Give more attention to the injured child.
Typically, we put

all our energy into correcting the biter’s actions and we don’t give

the child who was bitten much consolation. The little victim is left

sitting alone, crying. Soothing the child who was hurt can show

your child that her actions caused another child fear or pain. You

can even encourage your child to help soothe her friend with a pat

on the back or a hug.

• Handle the repeat offender.
If you’ve gone through the pre-