The No Cry Discipline Solution (23 page)

simple daily ritual, such as “We brush our teeth before bed” or “We

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

take our plates to the sink after we eat.” Or it can be a guide to

behavior, such as “We don’t hit.” Rules work best if they are short,

simply stated, and consistently followed.

The fi rst thing you need to do is to decide on your top rules. Too

many rules make life complicated. And, when there are too many

rules they are easily forgotten, so you’ll want to determine your top

ten or so. The best way to fi gure out your top ten is to make a list

of the behavior issues that most bother you. When you see what

these are, you’ll know which issues are most important to address

with a formal rule.

Once you’ve made a list of your top behavior issues, translate

each one into a clear, simple rule. For example, if your children

are too rough with each other and often push, hit, kick, pull hair,

or wrestle to the point of tears, then come up with a simple easy-

to-understand rule that will encompass all such behaviors, such as

“No hurting each other.”

As you create your rules, make sure they are ones you can and

will enforce. This isn’t a wish list of every nice thing you hope for;

Mother-Speak

“ When I was in college studying to be a teacher, I took a class

on behavior management that covered rule making. The pro-

fessor recommended making the rules a positive experience

from the beginning. Instead of creating the rules yourself,

have the children make them up with you. You could shout,

‘Is this how we should talk in the house?’ Children: ‘No, we

should use our quiet voices.’ Adult: ‘So, what should that

rule say?’ Children: ‘No yelling.’ Having them involved in this

way makes them feel that they are a part of making the rules

and more inclined to follow them.”

—Genevieve, mother to Matthew, age 2

Discipline and Cooperation: Choose Your Adventure

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it’s the top behaviors that you expect and are willing to enforce

consistently.

A great way to proclaim the new rules is to make a family rules

poster. Use bright colors and decorations to make it friendlier, and

then place it on the wall for all to see and remember.

Another advantage to specifi c, written rules is that they carry

with them additional implied rules. “No hurting each other” may

have been created to curb the physical fi ghting between your chil-

dren, but it also implies no emotional hurting. Rules refl ect a family’s personality and culture—the values and morals that guide all of your

actions and establish what’s most important in your family unit.

Mother-Speak

“ I always know when Eva is hungry because she starts whin-

ing, fussing, and badgering me for cookies [solve the real

problem]. If I say no for any reason, a meltdown ensues

[avoid fi ghting words]. Lately I’ve discovered that kneeling

down and asking her if she’s hungry [eye to eye] and offer-

ing her a selection of some healthy snacks [choices] tends

to defuse her. I tell her when she calms down, then she can

pick her snack [When/Then technique]. I fi nish by taking her

to the cabinet to get her selection [distraction].”

—Jocelyn, mother to Elena, age 5; Eva, age 3;

and Rory, age 18 months

Make It Brief, Make It Clear

In an effort to be a good parent, many people say way too much,

turning an intended lesson into a lecture of wasted words and

negative energy. Children often tune out after the fi rst few sen-

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No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools

tences. (You can usually tell by that glazed look in their eyes!) And

while you may be trying hard to teach an important lesson, if you

carry on with a long and involved dissertation, your child may not

understand a single word.

The less you say, the more your child will hear, understand, and

remember. So get your child’s eye-to-eye attention and then make