The No Cry Discipline Solution (32 page)

the parent-child relationship. We’d stand in front of a bus to protect

our children—and we’d do it without a second thought. Yet, these

same precious children can bring out the worst in us. There are

times when they make us so angry that we yell, threaten, condemn,

withdraw, or even grab, push, slap, or hit. Afterward, we suffer.

The ferocity and intensity of our anger at our children confuses

and frightens us. We think that our actions are wrong, yet we don’t

know how to control them and so it happens again and again. Each

time, we suffer shame and embarrassment over our actions. We

don’t want to talk about what we did, nor admit that we acted in

such a harsh way toward our children. We rationalize, excuse, and

blame. And then we suffer in silence. You may think you are the

Mother-Speak

“ How do I feel after an angry outburst? I feel guilty, sad,

ashamed, embarrassed, disgusted, and depleted. I am

fl ooded with negative self-talk, anguish, worry, and, often,

tears. I feel like I’ve damaged my children. I feel that I am a

horrible person and a failure as a mum. Every time it hap-

pens, I promise myself I won’t do it again. Yet I do.”

—Mother of two

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Anger: The Shame and the Secret

131

only one to ever get so unbelievably angry at your own child, and

you may feel no one else reacts in such an uncontrolled manner.

But I am here to tell you that you are not alone. Far from it. It is

likely that every single parent in the entire world—since the begin-

ning of the human race—has erupted in anger at his or her child

and has done so more than once. (And even more than twice.)

Being a parent can be the most wonderful experience of a life-

time. Yet, raising children is also one of the most complicated,

time-consuming, energy-draining, and challenging tasks you will

ever encounter, and anger is a natural outcome of the intensity of

the work. Parents who try the hardest to do their best are the ones

beset by the most remorse after episodes of anger. So, before we

proceed to learn how to understand and control your anger, I’d like

to give you permission to abolish the shame and guilt. Rest assured

anger happens to everyone. No parent is immune.

Key Point

\Anger is as common to parenting as changing diapers. We

don’t worry about the diapers, and we change them as nec-

essary. However, few of us handle our anger well, and we

worry about it too much. The good news is that we can learn

how to manage and control our anger.

Even though anger at our children is normal and common, it

clearly stands in the way of effective parenting. It prevents us from

making the right decisions, and it doesn’t help us to teach the

lessons we want our children to learn. Anger infl uences how we

think, how we behave, and how we live our day-to-day lives. It cre-

ates stress and unhappiness for us and for our children. Unresolved

and uncontrolled anger can even grow and evolve into a pattern

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A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

Mother-Speak

“ I’ve always been great at keeping my cool. I walk away from

arguments with my husband because I don’t like being angry.

I prefer cooling down and talking about it later, another day,

or not at all. But, you can’t do that with a child. You have to

deal with the situation. And, as a consequence, you’ve got

to deal with your anger right now, too. But I’m not sure how

to do that. I’m still learning, and every time I get angry, I get

embarrassed and ashamed. I’m glad to know that it’s normal,

both to get angry and also to feel the shame. Perhaps that

will alleviate some of the pressure the next time I have to

deal with a tantrum.”

—Cristina, mother to Maïa, age 3, and Solanne, age 20 months

of behavior that could be potentially dangerous, both emotionally

and physically.

The good news is that you can have more control over your

emotional states. Once you understand where the anger comes

from and you learn specifi c steps to handle your anger, you will

fi nd that it will be a less-intense and less-frequent occurrence in

your home, leaving room for positive, effective parenting and lov-

ing communication between you and your children.

Why Do Parents Get Angry

at Their Children?

It can help to identify the reasons that we get angry at our chil-

dren. Understanding the underlying causes of anger can be the

fi rst step in gaining control of our angry feelings and moving

toward prevention and solutions. Let’s examine some of the most

common sources of parental anger.

Raising Children Is a Diffi cult, Complex Job

That’s Always Changing

Parenting is a complicated job that never ends—twenty-four hours,

seven days a week, with very few coffee breaks and no vacations.

Even when our children are not with us, they often consume our

thoughts and energy. It seems we must handle the same problem

repeatedly, yet never really solve it. Furthermore, as we master each

new stage in our child’s development, or as we fi nally solve the cur-

rent child-rearing problem, we turn around to fi nd yet another new

issue is close on its heels. Any job of this magnitude would invite

myriad emotions—including anger.

To make this even more complicated, parenting isn’t our only

job. Our days are fi lled with many other obligations that also take

up our time and energy, putting even more stress on our shoul-

ders and causing us to be even more short-tempered with our

children.

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Copyright © 2007 by Better Beginnings, Inc. Click here for terms of use.