The No Cry Discipline Solution (33 page)

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A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

Lack of Adequate Training

Although parenting is a diffi cult, complex job, it doesn’t come with

clear instructions. Even if you read parenting books or take classes,

every child responds in unique ways and family issues change from

day to day. So no matter how prepared you are, it’s still all on-the-

job training—and the job keeps changing! Because of this, we can

never fully “master” parenting, so we often feel as if we’re chasing

a moving target. Our lack of training for the enormous task can

make us insecure and cause us to feel helpless. When trying to

force things to go the way we think they should, it can lead us to

anger.

Mother-Speak

“ Up until a few months ago, I always had control over every

aspect of Hannah’s life. It was only when she started rebel-

ling that it became clear that she indeed was a separate

human being from me with her own set of ideas, prefer-

ences, and opinions! Today was the fi rst time it hit me that

this shift in behavior and attitude wasn’t just about what she

wanted to wear or her refusing to listen to me, it was about

her starting to be her own person. I think a part of my anger

was that I was no longer able to control ‘all things Hannah.’ It

was me being in denial that she is a totally different person

from me and that she will most likely be a different person

than I expect and want her to be. Looks like someone forgot

to tell me that when they cut that umbilical cord it meant

at some point down the line (two and a half years to be

exact) she would start to become a person I would have

less and less control over—and whom I’d have to trust would

make good choices for herself using the tools that have been

Why Do Parents Get Angry at Their Children?

135

taught to her. That brings tears to my eyes . . . partly because

I see there is a part of me that doesn’t want to believe that

one day she will fl y on her own, when she won’t need me

as much, and partly because I wish I would have recognized

that months ago when my anger and frustration were at its

peak.

“The fi rst half of Hannah’s twos were a piece of cake. I

didn’t understand what the big fuss about the terrible twos

was all about! Not that Hannah was a perfect angel, but still

. . . this second half of the twos has been . . . hmm . . . let’s

say diffi cult and interesting. All of a sudden my sweet little

girl who always did as she was told and never had a tantrum

transformed into a little diva who did what she wanted to do

and that was that! The moving target you mentioned was so

dead-on. I felt like just when I mastered something and got

ahold of a bad behavior, she would change things up and I’d

end up fl ailing! I don’t believe in spanking, but I have come

really close a couple of times, and that really upset me.

“It helps to see the ‘whys’ behind the anger, and it has

made a big difference already. I am able to stop myself

quicker and ask myself where the anger is coming from, and

remind myself of her emerging independence—and that it is

really a good thing.”

—Kia, mother to Hannah, age 2½

Lack of Support

In days past, families were larger, and people tended to stay in the same area their entire lives. Therefore, young parents had

grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, and friends close

by to help them in their new role as parents. When a problem

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A Peaceful Home: Staying Calm and Avoiding Anger

occurred, there were many people to turn to for help. With today’s

much smaller family units and increased mobility, extended fam-

ily members don’t live close by; they may even live on different

continents. Frequent moves mean that close friendships are harder

to maintain.

In addition, many families are headed by one parent only, giv-

ing that person the responsibility for all parenting and household

duties in addition to the burden of fi nancially supporting the fam-

ily. This lack of support and added pressure opens the door to

much more stress and anger.

Mother-Speak

“ Today’s parents have pressure on them to function as great

parents without the necessary ‘scaffolding’ to do the job.

They lack support, experienced advice, and people just

being there to call on. It can be a lonely and diffi cult job.”

—Jane, mother to Isla, age 5, and Willow, age 3

Frustration, Confusion, and Disappointment

Because of the many pressures we just talked about, things in the

household don’t always go smoothly or according to plan. We can

attempt to use every parenting skill in our repertoire, we can have

well-planned routines, and we can be thoughtful and even wise,

yet we can still end up with children who don’t do what we want

them to do. This can lead us to feel confused and frustrated—
Why

won’t my child behave? Why on earth can’t I get a handle on this?
It can also cause us to be disappointed in our children and in ourselves as parents. All these negative emotions can easily lead to

anger.