Surviving Love (Surviving #2) (18 page)

“Er...”

Seeing my confusion, he added, “First grade would be what Ellie is in now. I think you guys refer to it as year one or is it reception?”

I shook my head. “Year one.”

“Anyway, I couldn't cope with the idea of going to school so I flipped out and they called a doctor to the house and I was prescribed these pills. They chilled me out but I still couldn't face school. Mama-su explained to me one night that I had developed
anthrophobia and agoraphobia. I didn't have a clue what that was, but she explained it in a way that settled me down a little. I knew I was strange for not wanting to go out and meet people.
”

I snorted a laugh. “Smooth move for getting out of school if you ask me.” I meant it as a joke but clearly he wasn’t registering humour right now. “I know what agoraphobia is but I haven’t a clue what ant-trap-pop-phobia is.”

He laughed at my ridiculous attempt at the pronunciation. “I’m a freak, Lou. I couldn't go out of the house. I went to the pool and that was it. To me walking down the driveway from the house to the pool was a big fucking deal. But even then I would only go at night. It’s a fear of people, I was afraid of people, especially men. How many people do you know hate the fucking mailman?” He let out a shaky breath.

“Well, I’m not particularly keen on our postman when he brings bills,” I teased. Johan squeezed me, and gentle smile teased the corners of his mouth. “So what happened with school?”

“Ryan came home early from college to talk to me. He said I needed an education, I couldn't be a dumbass. He said I wouldn’t be hurt, that the teachers would be great and I would enjoy all the stuff they did at school. He
promised
everything would be fine. He said I’d meet friends and have a way to use my big brain.”

I could tell with the utter devastation in his voice that everything was the exact opposite of fine. I snuggled closer to him before I asked the next question.

“What happened at school, Johan?”

His entire body tensed, I saw the firm set of his jaw and
disgust
settled over his features.

“Dad said he wanted to take me. I'm certain it was because he didn't trust me not to freak out and frighten Ane.” I wanted to cry when I saw the shame on his face. “Mama-su had bought me some new pants and sweater, I had my own lunch and new satchel. I felt pretty good in the car even though I wanted to throw up. He walked me to class, left me at the door, and said I could take it from there, that he had every faith in me to go it alone now.” His jaw quivered and I held my breath because I had a feeling what was coming was going to slay me. He took a deep breath and grasped my hand over his heart. It beat wildly beneath our palms; his body was a quivering ball of nervous energy. “I opened the door and saw a male teacher standing at the front of the class. He had his back to me at first so I glanced around. There was a cute little girl in front row, she had these little pleats in her hair and smiled and waved at me.

“I smiled back thinking it wouldn’t be too bad, that maybe she would be my friend. Then the teacher turned around and I pissed my pants. Like, literally wet my pants in front of the whole damn class because he was one of the
monsters
. The bastard knew me and when he came towards me I ran, ran and I didn't stop. I don’t even know where I went. I found a dark place and I climbed inside. I didn't move for days. I cried so hard it hurt, Mama-su, Dad, and Ryan all said I would be safe, they said no one would hurt me, but they had sent me to the one place one of those fuckers
could
get me. By the time a service man found me I was semi-unconscious. Apparently I’d been missing for five days, I’d climbed inside a storm drain, hid and after so long without food, water or any form of heat I’d passed out. I was severely dehydrated, with onset of hyperthermia; basically I was lucky to be alive. The rumours around town were that I
had
died in there, and Mama-su gave up eventually correcting everyone. I refused to speak after that, I locked down completely. Even Ryan couldn't get through to me. I felt betrayed.”

“The teacher, you said he was a
monster
?”

He turned to look at me and my heart stuttered when the look of desperation hit me.

“He was one of
them
, the monsters that came at night to the boathouse.” His voice emerged as a whisper.

“What was...” I paused and swallowed. “Were you getting beaten by him, like Ryan?”

“No. I was
special.”

I let out a soft whimper and curled into him, holding him tight. I knew what that meant. And I didn’t need him to say anything else to confirm it.

“Now you see why I would spoil you. I’m dirty, Lou, they made me dirty.”

I hugged him tightly until my muscles hurt. “No,” I whispered. “You’re perfect.” Tears rolled down my cheeks. A fierce need to fight and protect him rose within me and I clung to him. I wrapped my leg around his and my arms around his torso and clung to him for dear life, I wanted to squeeze the nightmares out of him. I wanted his innocence to be restored, I wanted to rid him of his nightmares and take away every evil heartbreaking thing that had ever happened. I wanted to protect him, protect my Johan.

My Johan.

Boston Massachusetts

“Will, you have to ask your dad to go to the DoD, or something. I know something’s wrong, Ryan wouldn’t stay away this long without sending word.” I pleaded with my new brother. Ryan had enlisted in the Marines, and even though he was stationed out, he always made sure we had news of him. Even if he was on active duty he would somehow find a way to let us know he was okay. He had been sent overseas after the 9/11 attacks, and this had been the longest he was away from home.

“Jo, there’s shit Dad can do,” Will insisted. “Money don’t work with the DoD.” He plopped down on the couch, staring out at the pool. I had returned to sleeping down here; I felt closer to Ryan when I was here. I felt safer in
our
place. God, I fucking missed him.

I paced up and down and even though I could see Will tracking my movements I couldn't stop, I felt agitated, the fucking pills weren’t working and regardless of what the psych doctor said, I wasn’t upping the dose. I felt like a stoner as it was. Mama-su and Dad had taken me to see a shrink when I was about ten, when my phobia of going out and especially of people grew to exponential heights. I think they believed I would off myself. I can’t say it didn't cross my mind, because I lived in constant fucking fear of my own shadow. But with help at home from the shrink and the meds, I could go from the house to the pool house without much concern. I had to venture off the land. I’d once made it to the mailbox at the end of the drive, but then I freaked when the mailman caught me unawares. He thought I was some kind of deranged lunatic when I curled into a ball and mumbled shit to myself.

“Jo?” Will called loudly as if he had been trying to get my attention.

“What?”

“You take your pills today?”

“Yes.” I scoffed, pissed that he had to ask.

“Buddy, stop stressing, it’s Ry we’re talking about. Knowing him he’s off banging so many chicks he’s forgotten all about us.” He laughed, but he was nervous, and I knew he didn't believe the shit that just came out of his mouth.

I stared at the house over the lake, the house that featured in my every fucking nightmare.

“Jo?” Will stood up and came to stand beside me. He towered above me. He was so freaking tall, his blond hair curled, falling into his eyes. He had the blond haired, green eyed, pretty boy look, and the girls by all accounts
loved
it. His girlfriend Marissa teased him constantly about all the girls swooning over him. If he was so inclined he could have a different girl every night, but he was madly in love with Marissa. He’s been seeing her since ninth grade, and no one ever compared to her.

“Jo? Buddy, you’re beginning to scare me.” He gently placed his hand on my shoulder, knowing I still freaked by unwanted physical contact.

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. Tell me what’s going on up here.” He tapped my temple.

“Do you think she knows?” I said, jerking my chin in the direction of the horror house.

He let out a loud sigh as if that’s what he was afraid of. “I don’t know. She wouldn’t offer any info voluntarily.”

I took a deep breath, my hands shaking as I thought about doing what I wanted. “Will, I want you to take me to see her. I need to ask her.”

“Fuck!” he muttered.

“I need to know, Will.”

“Yeah, I know, and I was hoping we would find another way.” He patted me on the shoulder and turned to leave the pool house. “I’m going to go get Dad, he’s coming with us because I can’t deal with your...I’ll just need him...in case. “ I knew what he meant, he couldn't deal with
me
if I freaked out. “You sure you’ve taken your meds?”

“I swear it.”

“Okay.”

***

“Pull over.” I gasped, grabbing at the handle, holding tightly as I opened the window for some air. I couldn't breathe, there was fuck all air in this damn truck. I was going to vomit. I threw the door open and started coughing up, gasping and coughing.

“Jesus, son, let me take you home,” Dad said, jumping out of the truck. I shook my head and held my hand out to ward him off. An SUV sped by, and I covered my ears, hating the sound vibrating through me.

“Fuck me, we’ve only just pulled out of the drive,” Will called, coming to my side.

“I’m fine,” I argued. My legs felt like jello, I was about to pass out, I couldn't breathe, I needed to breathe.

“You’re as white as a ghost, Jo, we need to go back.”

I shook my head again. “No.”

“Son—”

“I need to know.” It was all I could say before I threw up again.

The world was distorted, everything was louder, noisier, everything buzzed and there were loud disturbing sounds everywhere. It echoed creating a crazy jumbled universe around me. I couldn't pinpoint a specific noise. Everything merged into an incessant droning. My heart beat so wildly I was sure I was having a heart attack.

“Will, give him your sweater. Jo, pull the hood over your head and pull your beanie down over your eyes and ears. Maybe if we take away two of your senses it might calm you.”

I nodded because that had worked once before when I needed to go to the hospital. 

I climbed back into the truck. The dark didn't help, my anxiety had peaked and to be honest I don’t think it had anything to do with where I
was
, it had to do with
where
I was going. I still hadn’t admitted to Mama-su and Dad what happened with Grandpa. I think Ryan may have said stuff because they never questioned me about it. But they had this weird understanding, like my behaviour was normal when I knew it wasn’t; I’m a freak. A completely fucked up freak.

The truck drove for approximately fifteen minutes. I counted in my head every bump, pause, and street light. I felt the truck slowing down so I lifted the beanie slightly to peek out and saw the freaking mail box.

Dermont 3678

I lost my shit again, but this time I didn't have time to open the car, I threw up in the backseat. Will cussed but jumped out and ran round to my side and dragged me out to the side of the road. I curled up in a ball and prayed I could do this. God had left me to survive fucking years ago, he gave shit about me, but I still held on. All I needed was for him to give me a break, just once.

“Son, I don’t like this. You aren’t going to be able to face her. You can’t let her see you like this,” Dad said, and I knew who
she
was. The bitch who let her husband get away with being a little boy’s nightmare.

“I need to.”

“Yeah, son, I know that. But you’re killing yourself here.” He placed his hands on my shoulders, a rare show of comfort, because Dad never touched me. I could see it in his eyes how much it hurt him not to, but after what happened with school in the second grade I could never allow it. See,
fucked
up!

“I can do it,” I insisted, squaring my shoulders. Ryan had fought for me most of his life. I could go see the bitch to find out if she’s heard anything from my goddamn hero.

I inhaled a deep breath and staggered to my feet. I got back into the truck and gagged at the smell. As they drove down the gravel drive my heart spiked to such a fast rate I thought it would either explode or stop with fatigue.

Dad stopped the truck and turned to face me. I couldn't see his face, because I remember being in this position the first time I ever arrived at this house. Thinking what a huge mansion it was, thinking how great it would be to live here with so many other kids. I silently got out of the truck and without closing the door I walked up the front steps and opened the screen door before knocking.

I heard her calling, saying she was on her way. Her voice had changed, aged somewhat but it was still that acrid tone that could cut through steel.

The door opened and there she was, standing before me. Smaller than I remember, she no longer towered over me. Her hair was still tied in a tight bun, but it was dark grey now. Wrinkles made her lips pucker and her eyes were crinkled with age.  Her sneer immediately alerted me to the fact she knew exactly who I was.

“What are you doing here?” She seethed.

“I, Grandma—”

“Don’t call me that, don’t you dare call me that. I have no grandson. He’s dead to me.
You
are dead to me.”

“Ryan,” I gasped out. I could feel my composure crumbling, slipping away. “Have you heard anything—”

She started laughing then, a maniacal laugh that scared the shit out of me. I stepped back, slamming myself into the porch railing.

She cocked her head to the side and smiled an eerie smile, her teeth stained yellow. “Ryan,
my
boy, the son
you
stole away from me? Why, he’s
dead
. Died, they blew him to bits. Out there all alone, in the dirt and heat his body was scattered.” She laughed again as my world crashed and burned. “They shot him first, right through the chest. Then they blew up his vehicle. Nothing to identify him with.”

“Enough!” Dad shouted. I curled up on the floor, my legs no longer strong enough to hold my weight. I hit the floor with a thud, the pain in my ass didn't register, but the pain in my chest crippled me.

“It’s all
your
fault. Everyone dies when you touch them. You’re cursed.”

“Enough!” Dad screamed.

“You killed your momma, my Chase wouldn’t have hurt her if it weren’t for you. Ryan wouldn’t be
dead
! You killed them. You deserved everything you got, you evil bastard child. Your grandpa wouldn’t have needed to satisfy his urges if you hadn’t come into our lives. He was handling it. He was getting better. It was
you.
Evil boy! Cursed boy!” She hissed at me. “You should have died in that storm drain. You should be dead not my boy.”

“Enough! I swear to God I’ve never raised my hand to a woman in my life but you are trying my patience.”

“You destroyed my family.” She screamed.

“Will, get up!” Dad shouted repeatedly. When I thought about it I realised Will was lying on top of me, covering my ears, holding himself over me to protect me. “Will,” Dad called again but Will wouldn’t move while she ranted at me. Shouting how evil I was, that the devil had sent me, I was cursed. It was my fault. Everything was my fault.

Ryan was
gone.
My hero had left me. He swore he would never leave me. He was gone. And it was my fault.

“
Ryan
!” I screamed.