Surviving Love (Surviving #2) (15 page)

I thought about that. No one had loved me other than my momma.

“My momma used to say she loved me. No one else says it.”

“I love you, Jo. Your angel momma made me promise to love you and I will.”

“Is she coming back now?”

“No, honey. She is watching from Heaven. She is going to see you grow into a brilliant young man. And she is going to watch you fall in love, create your own family, and she is going to love you from Heaven above. God took her away to keep her safe, God brought you to me to keep
you
safe.”

“I would like to hear a story,” I said quietly.

“Sure, sweetie.”

We stayed quiet for a while. I held her hand and shuffled towards her. I didn't touch her other than her hand. And when she spoke, the story was beautiful, and the sound of her voice so musical it lulled me to sleep.

C
hapter 7

Louise

York, England

Lord, was I ready for break time today, I think every parent must have added giddy juice to the kids’ cereals. Christmas time always tests a teacher’s patience because the kids become little irritable monsters waiting for the man in red to arrive.

After my visit with Eve, I’d been a little more settled, as if the equinox had realigned and everything was as it should be. I missed her so much; it was weird not having her around. I was sad she wouldn’t be coming back to live with me, but I understood why it was too difficult for her. Who could return to a place they were almost brutally killed? I close my eyes at the thought. I really don’t know how I would have coped with that.

Whether she realises or not, Eve is like our glue; we all adore her. She’s my best friend
and
my sister. It’s a neat little package and I want to keep it that way. Johan remained quiet at breakfast. We ate in silence and then I left for school. He never mentioned his nightmare or us sleeping in the same bed, so I assumed he was either too embarrassed or regretted saying the things he did. I’d tried making conversation but he simply shrugged or grumbled a response. It was like talking to someone with a monster hangover.

Previously when his nightmares would strike he wouldn’t wake no matter how much I called to him. Last night was the first time I’d been able to get through to him. Most of the time I don’t think he knew what was happening, or that I was there at all, because he would settle back into a deep sleep. Not once has he mentioned it the morning after, but today he appeared embarrassed and regretful. I didn't think either of those responses were necessary; I liked being his comfort and support. When Eve was first hospitalised the nightmares happened every night, but then he stopped staying with us. Until last night I wasn’t sure if they were still happening. I always assumed they were caused by what had happened to Eve because I hadn’t heard him before and we had been living together for a week or so before Elliott attacked her. But last night it became apparent they were caused by past wounds.

I pulled my glasses off and rubbed my eyes. I needed caffeine, and seeing as my little bean couldn't have that, we’d have to settle for a hot chocolate. I rubbed my growing stomach, enjoying the warm contentment I felt from having this special little life growing inside me.

I opened the staff room door and heard the most vile voice.

“It’s just heartbreaking to see my brother struggling through this,” Samantha whined. I’d heard that tone a million times; it was fake and total manipulation.

“I never would have thought she was like that.” I think that was Kate.

“Appearances can be deceiving,” Samantha snapped. “She’s destroyed my brother, and I just
cannot
forgive that.”

What the hell was she talking about? I knew ear wigging was wrong but I couldn't help it; I listened closer.

“She’s been cheating on him all this time and he
still
wants to marry her. It shows you how she’s manipulated him. We all told him not to go through with it, that he can’t raise another man’s child, especially when she’s
living
with him.”

“What?”

“Yeah, apparently she moved the other bloke in a while back. He went to the scan and everything, knowing full well my brother works in the next ward. How cruel can one person be?”

Fuck that!
I opened the door wide and stared at the vapid bitch.

“I take it, you
silly cow
, you’re talking about me? Well for your information, this baby is
Darren’s.
One hundred percent, no questions asked.
Johan
is my house mate and stepped in when
your
brother was too much of a chicken shit to face his responsibilities. Darren is a slime ball who thinks spreading ridiculous rumours will get him out of being a father. Well, you know what? I don’t want him, or his sodding marriage proposal. He’s a pathetic excuse for a man if he has to go to his sister to whine and
lie.
Kate, what she has just told you is a lie, do I care if you believe her? No!” I turned to look at Samantha and wanted slap the bitch. “You need to grow up and get a bloke of your own. I can prove this baby is Darren’s, but do you know what, the kid deserves better than him anyway.”

Samantha’s mouth dropped open, her fish-like gawk almost amusing. Her beady eyes narrowed in a defiant glare and I could see she wanted to fire back a retort but her mind was slow to reciprocate. I turned to glare at Kate for being so gullible, and she refused to meet my stare. Her gaze flicked around the room trying to fix on anything but me. Her cheeks were bright red and her shoulders drooped. I almost felt sorry for her,
almost
.

I turned on my heel, feeling satisfied . I went back to class, grabbed my bag, then went to sit in my car to cool off. I
hated
that woman.

I pulled out my phone to text Eve.

Hey. How r u today?

I wiped angrily at my eyes.

Hi. I’m good. Not much changes around here, lol. How’s u n baby bean?

Ok.

What’s happened?

I smiled, because even through text my sis could tell when something was wrong.

Just had a run in with the bitch from HELL!

I take it u mean Sam?

Yep. She was talking to Kate in staffroom saying I’m preggers with Johan’s kid.

LMAO!

It’s not funny!!!

Yeah it is, especially after our conversation last night, lol. She’s a bitch, ignore her.

I stared at the glowing screen for a moment, trying to compose myself. My heart was still pounding against my ribcage, adrenaline rushing through me after that confrontation. I sighed heavily and typed my reply.

Not that easy.

I wanted to tell her Samantha was also taking things out on little Ellie, but that would likely make the situation worse—and I still had to
work
with this woman. I waited for a response and looked at the clock. I needed to get back into class soon. My phone buzzed.

Darren is an idiot. Sam is a bitch. Lucky escape from them if you  ask me.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I was
linked
to them now; I couldn’t get away from them. It wasn’t as simple as that. If they wanted to spend time with baby bean, I had no right to deny them.

Wish it was that easy. I have to go back in. Speak soon

How r things with Johan? Any more smooching?

I laughed loudly as I typed my reply.

No, lol. My lips have behaved x

I returned to class feeling a little happier. I couldn't let Samantha get to me, she’s been a bitch for years, a spoilt bully. Her family indulges her and she has yet to realise she’s an adult and the world doesn’t revolve around her.

When I arrived home that night, my feet were killing me, my back ached, and my stomach was beyond queasy. I felt like shit. I had planned on going to the hospital on my way home but I felt so lousy I didn’t want to take my mood with me, so I decided if I came home first and had a shower I could compose myself. Then I could face seeing my sister without letting on what a horrible day it had been. I knew she would ask about Johan and truth be told I didn’t know what to tell her; I didn't want to betray Johan by telling her about last night and how I’d found him.

My head was a messy shed, boggled with what had happened last night, and infuriated by what happened at work. Mixed with my aching body, I couldn’t be arsed.

Suck it up!

“Brain, you can shut the hell up too.”

“Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness.” My irritating housemate called out from the living room.

Urgh
, that is all I needed to deal with, his smug frigging face. I could tell by the tone of his voice what mood he was in, and I had run out of patience six hours ago so had zero tolerance for his typical teasing.

I walked into living room and his bright smile disappeared. I grimaced: did I really look that bad?

“What’s wrong?” He slowly rose to his feet.

I shook my head and held my hand up, motioning I was fine. “Nothing, just a crappy day.”

“Tell me.” He reached out grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the sofa. I sat down and he sat beside me. I ignored the giddy feeling his closeness brought—stupid hormones.

I let out a loud irritated sigh and recounted everything in one breath.

“...so now the whole teaching staff thinks I’m some slut who spends years with one bloke while shagging her new house mate and becoming pregnant with his kid. Stupid shits! I wouldn’t mind, but I was carrying baby bean
before
I met you so obviously you either have super duper flying telekinetic sperm or—”

I stopped ranting when Johan burst out laughing. I smiled despite myself.

“It’s not funny, you annoying idiot.” I giggled, nudging him with my knee.

“Yeah it is. So I’m going to be a baby daddy. Well,
I’ll be damned
.
I never even got to enjoy spreading my super seed, the boys did good.
”

We both cracked up laughing then. When I caught my breath I looked at his sparkling eyes and smiled shyly.

“I’m sorry.”

He frowned. “What for?”

“Well, this. For you being involved and having shit said about you. Darren doesn’t want to be a dad, but he didn’t need to drag you into it.”

“I don’t mind.”

“But what if somehow rumour spreads to your work or family?”

“I’ll tell them the truth. But Lou, honestly it’s quite a compliment to be insinuated in the conception of my little buddy,” he said softly. He looked down at my swollen bump and slowly lifted his hand and pressed it against my stomach. “I may not be his dad but together we won’t
ever
let him feel scared or alone. He’ll be loved, I won’t allow anyone to hurt him. I swear I’ll try to be a man he can be proud of.”

I covered his hand with mine, and blinked away the tears pooling in my eyes. “You already are.” I choked passed the lump in my throat.

He looked up at me, and I swear a totally different Johan was sitting beside me. Gone was the cocky, charming A-hole and in his place was a lost boy, desperate and alone. I lifted my free hand and cupped his cheek.

“Tell me,” I whispered.

He closed his eyes and bowed his head. “It’s just hard to survive sometimes.” He let out a shuddering breath. “I feel like I’m drowning
all
the time. You shouldn’t have to fight every single day of your life. But I have to, I have to survive, I have to do it for
him.
I promised I would.
”
He spoke with such heartbreaking honesty I couldn't help the tear rolling down my cheek.

“For baby bean?” I asked.

His shoulders heaved with the deep breaths he inhaled and I was certain he was about to refuse to answer when he surprised me.

“For Ryan. I survive for him, to make his sacrifice worth it. But I’m tired, Lou, so fucking tired of it.” His body relaxed and he slumped forward, pressing his face into my neck. Shocked at first, I remained stiff and unmoving. Slowly I wrapped my arms around him and held  him tightly. I threaded my fingers through his hair and gently massaged his scalp, leaning us back against the sofa. I didn't know if this was a
downer
after his nightmare, or if it’d been caused by what happened between us yesterday.

“Is this about your nightmares?”

His body stiffened and his hold on me tightened.

“Last night isn’t the first time I’ve heard you scream in your sleep.”

He snorted and his body shook with silent laughter. “What a pussy, huh?”

“No. Not at all. Something scared you, Johan. That doesn’t make you a
pussy
.”

“Yeah it does.” He started to pull away but I held onto him.

“Talk to me. Don’t shut me out,” I pleaded. “Who’s Ryan? Tell me about him.”

His body tensed, but when I rubbed our joined hands over my stomach he relaxed.

“Ryan
is
my hero. He was the most selfless person I have ever met. Your first hero in life should be your dad, but mine was Ryan.” He sighed and relaxed into me. He tilted his head and watched our hands on my stomach. “He was my best friend, my brother, my uncle, my
dad
, everything a little boy could need.”

I frowned, not understanding his meaning.

“Ryan was my dad’s younger brother. My biological father, that is.”

“Was?” I swallowed, dreading the answer and hoping it was just a slip of the tongue.

“Yeah, he died. Or should I say he was killed in action. He went into war already a hero to
me
. I miss him every single day, and every single day it gets harder without him. I wake up every morning and the first thing I hope for is for him to walk through the door to rag my ass about staying in bed, to say ‘hey, little buddy, it’s just me Ryan’. That was what he always used to say, but he was never ‘
just Ryan’
he was everything to me.”