Surviving Love (Surviving #2) (13 page)

“What did?”

“Stringing Darren along, back and forth.”

“I wasn’t stringing him along.”

“Lou, when have you ever put up with crap like this from a man? In fact
anyone?
You’re usually the first to say
on yer’ bike lad
, if they don’t toe the line. I admire that about you. These past few months it’s like you’ve doubted everything about yourself.”

I burst into another fresh round of tears and Eve pulled me to her, digging the cast into my side.

“I’m sorry, don’t cry, sis, I just...”

“You’re right. I know what you’re saying is true.” I paused, not wanting to voice my fears aloud.

“Go on.”

I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes. “I want my baby to have everything I can possibly provide, and I feel like I need to provide
two
loving parents, that I need to make sure my child has the love of their father, and never feel it was their fault Darren didn't care.”

“Oh, Lou, you can’t...”

“I know it’s stupid.”

“No, not stupid, you’re an anxious expectant mother. Obviously you want to provide a stable home for baby bean, they will have you as their mummy and in no way lacking for love. The only person who will be missing out will be Darren, because he is going to miss out on the perfect little life you are carrying. Auntie Eve and Uncle Dominic will be here to support you. And Johan, if you let him, will make a perfect partner. My biological father didn't want me, Lou, but I in no way feel unloved, Mum and Dad love us all. He may be my stepdad, but I feel just as much loved as you and Ellie. Johan could be that man for baby bean, and the man to show
you
love.”

I lifted my head to look at her. “I never think of you as a step-sister.” My father wasn’t her biological dad, and Ellie, our little sister was adopted, but we are as true as any blood-linked family. I love them all.

“That’s all you got from that?” She laughed. “Once you stop denying how you feel, if you let it happen, I think you and Johan could be wonderful together.”

I shook my head at her. “I don’t understand it. We just kind of happened. I don’t even know where it came from. I mean, he’s gorgeous. Like ridiculously bloody sexy, but it’s more than that. He has this gentle side and he makes me feel like...I can’t explain it.” I tilted my head and looked at my sister. “How Dominic looks at you, how he touches you, he lives for you, Eve. I craved that connection with Darren. He’s never looked at me the way Dominic looks at you. I always felt loved, but it wasn’t all consuming like it is between you and Dominic. But I feel if I let Johan in, if I pursued things with him, he would be my Johan to your Dominic. Does that make sense?”

Eve smiled brightly at me and nodded. “Perfect sense.”

“Why though? Why do I get that connection with a man I’ve known for a few months, instead of a man I’ve actually been in a relationship for years with?”

“Have you ever considered that with Darren you’ve been fighting to make it work, to make the pieces of the puzzle fit together? Whereas with Johan it just works and there are only two pieces fitting perfectly together, you and him.”

I eyed her scornfully, then smiled when a tingling sensation spread throughout my chest. She was right, it was easy with Johan. Even with his past demons, we worked. I don’t know how, I don’t know why, I just knew we did.

“So tell me, what exactly has happened?”

“I kissed Johan, he kissed me, I told Darren we kissed, he shrugged it off as being a hormonal glitch, I stormed off, here I am.”

“Christ, talk about teaser trailer.” Eve giggled. “I still can’t believe you kissed Johan, I kind of suspected
his
feelings towards you. But I didn’t think you were quite there with him.”

“Oh, I’m there and ready to buy the t-shirt.” I chuckled. “I really can’t explain it, Eve. Honestly, I’m struggling with it myself.”

“Then simply let it happen. Don’t fight it, don’t question it, just allow it.”

We sat holding one another in silence. I thought over what she had said, and how little it had shocked her my admitting something had happened between Johan and I.

“So you and Dominic? He’s kind of—”

“Amazing,” she said dreamily. “He’s been here every day, and he’s even managed to get Alistair to allow him to work from his laptop here. He takes conference calls and web chats all the time. It’s bizarre.”

“The man is smitten.” I looked up at her.

“The feeling is mutual. I never thought I could be this happy, Lou, I still wonder how I got here, how I deserved this.” Tears swam in her eyes. I fought back my own, not wanting to start bawling again.

“You deserved him from the beginning. From the moment you fell in love with him, you deserved him.”

She nodded but she didn't quite look convinced.

“So am I going to be a bridesmaid then?”

Her radiant face lit up the room.

“Yeah, you and Ellie.” She turned to look at the box on the bedside cabinet. She couldn't wear it yet, due to her left hand being in cast. From what Mum had told me, Dominic brings the ring each day and sits it beside the bed. He takes it with him each night to keep a part of her with him. Kind of makes him a modern day Romeo, without the topping himself at the end, obviously.

“Have you decided on a date?”

She looked down a little sheepishly.

“Eve?”

“I don’t want a huge wedding, just immediate family. Mum, Dad, Ellie, you, and Jill. And Johan, when Dominic speaks to him.”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“We want him there, he
has
to be there. So once I’m released from here, we are going to go put a request in for our Banns to be read at the local church. I’m happy to just marry him, I don’t want a big fan fair. I want to be his forever, that’s all I want.”

“Sounds perfect. You do realise Ellie is going to demand a pretty new dress and flowers...?”

“And sparkly shoes.”

We both laughed together. We were still laughing when Dominic entered the room looking a little wary.

“Hey, brother dearest,” I said, smiling at him. His face crinkled in a gorgeous grin.

“Hey sis.”

I held my arms out for a hug and he gladly came over to us. I received a hug
after
he kissed my sister of course. I smiled at the adoration in his eyes when he looked at her. She was his light, his heart, his reason for breathing and I loved him for that. I pulled him into a hug and squeezed him hard.

I spent an hour with Eve until visiting hours were over. I cried, I laughed, I wanted to scream but I refrained thinking I may end up committed to the psychiatric ward. Even though she was in the hospital she was the happiest I have ever seen her; her eyes sparkled and she looked
free.
I didn’t know why I’d never seen her misery before, had no idea the pain she lived in, but looking at her and hearing her talk about Dominic was a glorious thing.

Dominic gave me a lift home, after an embarrassingly long kiss goodbye to my sister. He was relatively quiet on the way home, but I could see it hurt him to leave her there.

“She’ll be home before you know it,” I reassured him.

“Yeah, I know, I just hate having to leave her,” Dominic replied.

“She loves you so much.”

He let out a gentle sigh. “I pretty much idolise the ground she walks on so the feeling is definitely mutual. I still can’t believe she’s finally mine.”

I paused for a little, nervous about saying what I felt I needed to. “Hurt her, and I
will
cut your balls off. I’m not kidding, Dominic, I’m watching now. I will not let her get hurt again.”

“Me either. I swear to you, I’ve never made a promise meaning more than this one.”

“I just had to say it.” My cheeks heated.

“Trust me, it was scary.” He made a show of shivering. I pushed at his shoulder and he grinned.

“Thanks for bringing me home. Even though you’ve come out of your way.”

“Well, I couldn't abandon you in the hospital car park. Besides, the hotel is just around the corner.”

“Hotel?”

“Hmm?”

“Why are you staying in a hotel?”

He swallowed and looked out of the window to avoid my inquisitive stare.

“I can’t...the bed still smells of her, her mug is still in the sink...from that morning.” He cleared his throat and I watched as his cheeks heated. “I can’t be there without her. I want her home first. When I know she will come home to me, I will feel more settled.” He let out a shaky breath and my heart clenched.

“Dominic, she
is
coming home with you. You are her home now.”

He turned to look at me and the doubt in his eyes floored me. “What if she changes her mind?”

“Oh, sweetie, Eve has loved you since she was a kid. When prince charming finally notices you, you grab hold and don’t let go. Dominic, you are her happy ever after. Trust me, even
I
couldn't stop her and I’m one bad ass dude-
ess
.”

His deeply rich laugh echoed through the car and I smiled. I patted his shoulder tenderly.

“You’re defamation of the English language astounds me.”

I scowled at him in jest.

“She is coming home with you. If it stinks of mouldy food and crap she’s going to kick your arse.” I pointed my finger at him.

“I’ve been stupid haven’t I?”

“No, I can understand your fears, but she’s back with us. No one is taking her from us. Well, except you nicking my roomie, but seeing as I can’t put up with you both snogging like teenagers all the time I can live with the distance.”

He chuckled and reached out to squeeze my hand. “Thank you.”

“Do you want to stay here?”

“That would be even worse.” He flinched, looking up at the house. I regretted reminding him of what had happened inside our home.

“He’s gone now. He doesn’t even exist as a ghost for her. She is free to love and be loved how she deserves. Remember that.”

“What about you?” he asked. “Everything okay?”

“It will be, it’s just confusing.”

“He’d be good for you. Johan, he’s a good bloke.”

“You saying that so he stops hitting on Eve?” I joked.

I kissed Dominic’s cheek as I got out of his car, effectively ending the conversation. My mind was entirely washed out tonight, I needed my bed.

The house was in complete darkness. No porch light, no hallway light, nothing. Normally that would be fine, but I had a horrible feeling something was wrong. I hesitated before putting the key in the lock; chills ran down my spine, hairs stood on end at the back of my neck and along my arms. Inside me something screamed not to enter the house, not to venture past the threshold. I turned the key and pushed the door open to stare at the dark hallway.

Something was wrong. A sick feeling hit me, and I hesitated before I stepped through the door.

“Johan,” I called out. My voice didn’t sound like my own.

I shivered as a cold feeling stirred through me.

I walked to the lounge door and took a deep breath before glancing around the doorframe. I had a sense someone or something was about to jump out at me. The room was empty, I turned to leave but a bottle on the coffee table caught my eye. I walked into the room and picked the half empty bottle of
J.D.,
but what sent me into a panic were the two empty packets of prescription pills thrown haphazardly onto the table. Each foil pill pocket was empty. I picked them up and read the labels.

Escitalopram
and
Temazepam.

They were both Johan’s but not registered to this address and the date was pretty recent.

“Shit!” I threw the packets on the table and spun around. “Johan!” I shouted. I ran into the kitchen. “Johan!”

My heart galloped, my skin prickled, I tried to open the back door but it was locked so he couldn't be out there.

“
JOHAN!
” I screamed at the top of my voice. The only sound was the echo of my voice and the harshness of my breathing. I panted heavily. Tears flooded my eyes.

I ran to the foot of the stairs holding the banister, hesitating before ascending the stairs. Each step felt  a mountainous climb. My blood pulsed through my body, hammering my heart against my chest.

“Johan, honey?” I called softly.
Please be okay, please, please, please be okay
.

I wiped at the tears running down my face. I paused at the top of the stairs listening for any noises. The house was eerily quiet, the only thing I could hear was the beating of my heart and my short rough breaths. I peered into the bathroom, the door already open and thankfully the room was empty.

I leaned over the vast space of hallway, in reality it wasn’t that far but reaching out in the dark, terrified of what the light would expose, it felt an ocean away. My hands shook as I reached out and flicked the light on. I sucked in a frightened breath as the light flooded the hall, my skin tingling with dread. I pushed open the only closed door, which happened to be my room. I held my breath, and clutched my hands protectively against my chest. A cold shiver sliced down my spine when I recognised my room was also empty. Someone had been in there, because some of my clothes had been tossed on the floor; they’d been on the bed when I left earlier. I turned to check Eve’s room when I heard the softest whimper. I froze as icy tingles solidified my body.