Surviving Love (Surviving #2) (22 page)

I held my phone between my palms and pressed them against my lips, praying she would text me back. My phone bleeped, someone was listening.

Have u shit bed? U r never up this early!!!!!

I laughed loudly.

I haven’t been to sleep.
I sent the text then realised it would be so much easier to just call her.

“Hi, you cheeky cow,” I said when she answered.

She chuckled. “What’s up? Why are you still awake? Nothing’s wrong with the baby is it?”

Oh shit, I hadn’t thought calling her at this time would panic her.

“No, everything is fine. Well, it isn’t fine...but it is with the baby, I mean. I need your help. I need you to tell me where you keep the key to Johan’s flat.”

“What?”

“I think...no, his mum thinks he’s there. I don’t know where he went and I upset him and I need to find him and apologise and make things right because I think...well, I’m almost certain I’m falling for him and I can’t find him. I need to find him Eve. Just to see if he’s okay.” When I gasped for breath the line was silent. “Eve?”

“I’m here...wow! What about Darren?”

“He’s never made me feel the way Johan does. When I’m not with him, I miss him, Eve. I never feel like that with Darren. It’s like I can’t—” I took a deep breath, because I needed to say this aloud to someone. “I can have the shittiest day, like Samantha can be an uber bitch, but all I have to do is walk into the house and hear his voice and it’s as if...”

“Life makes sense again? Being there with him completes you.”

“Yeah,” I whispered, because it scared me to think that. “How did you know?”

“I could be black and blue, broken, and absolutely destroyed. But all I would have to do is take one look at Dominic and it doesn’t seem so bad. The key’s in the inside zipper pocket of my work bag.”

“Thank you.”

“Promise me one thing?”

“Okay.”

“You tell me the full story and let me know when you find him.”

“That’s two things, so can I get away with just letting you know when I find him?” She was silent, so I chuckled. “I’ll take that as a no?”

“Precisely. Now go.”

***

His flat was in a very affluent area of York. I didn't expect it to be quite so far away from our house but the area was beautiful. And the house was a Georgian semi that had clearly been converted into high-end flats. I considered using the buzzer but I thought he’d only ignore it so I used the key and went up to the second floor and found his door. My hands were shaking when I slid the key into the lock.

The place was pitch black, the curtains or blinds were drawn so I could only see a thin sliver of light around the window. I waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness and finally noticed the faintest light coming from down the hallway under one of the closed doors.

I headed in that direction and stopped in front of the door. I listened, waiting for any sound; I honestly didn't know what I would
discover. Finding him under my bed was horrendous and I didn't want to face that again, but I would if I had to. Ordinarily I would just barge in, shout and bitch at him, but after everything he told me I knew that wouldn’t be a good idea. I wasn’t scared of
him,
I was terrified he’d hurt himself.

I placed my hand around the handle. I took a deep breath and—

I screamed and went into ninja, kung fu, bad-arse mode when the door flew open. Johan screamed louder than I did.

“What the fuck, Lou?” He panted, holding his hand to his chest.

I stood frozen with my dukes held up and my leg raised ready to kick my attacker. I felt like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill but more than likely looked like a Care Bear on the rampage.

He looked me up and down and started laughing. “What are you doing? It’s like
Mohamed Ali
meets
Jackie Chan
.”

I went into full assault mode and started slapping at him, hitting wherever I could, tears of relief streaming down my face. Calling him names and cursing at him, I didn't stop hitting him until he pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me.

“Lou, calm down,” he chuckled.

I pressed my face into his naked chest and sobbed with relief, then wrapped my arms around him and clawed at his skin to bring him closer, to feel him, to connect to him. The reprieve washing over me floored me.

“Hey, Lou, what is it?” Amusement edged his voice. I shook my head and tried to bury my face further against him. I desperately needed him in that moment. His woodsy cologne and heated flesh felt like home.

“Lou?” He tried to pull me away from him but I squeezed him tighter. “Lou? You’re scaring me, what is it.”

I started sobbing louder, mixing with mumbled words so I wasn’t sure what he heard or not but I needed it out there. I hadn’t realised how scared of losing him I was.

“I’m sorry for setting off a bad memory for you. I’m so, so, sorry, I never wanted to hurt you. I never want to hurt you ever. I want to be there for you, I need you, I need you in my life, I promise not to be a bitch anymore just don’t leave again. You scared me.”

“Lou.” He cupped my face and tried lifting it but I resisted. “Sunbeam, I need to look at you. Please?”

I lifted my face. I knew with the crying I would look
like an extra from a horror movie but I didn't care. His full dimple smile emerged and his eyes crinkled at the corners.

“I missed you too,” he whispered before pressing his lips to mine.

“You scared me.”

“Why?”

I pulled back and glared at him. “Because you freaked out on me and just left and never came back.

“I came here.”

“I know that
now,
you idiot. I didn't, and I’ve been at home scared shitless. Your mum called and I think I freaked her out, but she now knows you’ve been kissing me. I kind of confessed shit I didn't need to, so she probably thinks I’m some kind of floozie.”

“You talked to Mama-su?” he asked, and I swear he laughed.

“Yeah, she said you talked about me...a lot!”

“I do.”

“Why?”

“Because I think you’re pretty terrific and I can’t stop thinking about you, and Mama-su knows if she brings you into the conversation I stay on the line longer because I can’t resist talking about you. You make me happy. I’ve never felt like this before and honestly it scares me that I’ll lose it all.”

“Why?” The giddy butterflies fluttered around in my stomach.

“I can survive as long as you’re nearby. You make me feel alive, in here.” He tapped his chest. “I feel so hopeful that there’s more for me than simply existing. I’ve been a selfish bastard needing you close, needing you to be mine, but if it means losing you altogether I would rather keep us as friends. I will give this up if it means I get to keep you.”

I cupped his face, watching the raw emotion pouring out of him. It was beautiful and I suspect a rare thing for him to open his heart like that.

“You’re infuriating, annoying, a total gob-shite, and create the shittiest nicknames in the history of nicknames. You have the sexiest body I’ve ever seen and you make my toes curl when you kiss me. I’m not going anywhere. If you want me, I’m...no...
we
are yours.” I held my hand over baby bean.

“Seriously?”

“No, I was kidding.” I laughed when his face fell. “Your body isn’t that sexy. I’ve seen better.”

He tutted and pulled away from me. “
Pu-lease.
I’m smoking and you know it.”

I pushed at his chest and laughed.

“Why did you run from me? Was it because...your mum said I
triggered
something.” I pulled away to look him in the eye, hoping to convey my sincerity. “I didn’t know. What I said was a joke, I swear if I’d have know I never would’ve said it.”

“Lou.” He held up his hands to placate me. “You can’t apologise for something that isn’t your fault, I keep telling you I’m fucked up, my head isn’t
normal.
I’m a—”

“You say
freak
and I’m chopping your nads off.”

He smiled and pulled me into him, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, and cradling my head to his chest. He took a deep breath and ran his hands through my hair. I closed my eyes and breathed a sigh of relief at being in his arms.

“My grandpa used to call me his
special
boy,” Johan began, “and we had this sick twisted
special
friendship. Essentially it meant I was his sex
toy
. He used to promise if I...did
things
to him my mom would come back, that if I pleased him he would bring her back. I was only four, desperate for her to come back. I didn’t understand what death was, I thought he really would bring her back. But then I grew up a little, realised the bastard was lying, and let him starve me instead of doing as he said. But then he used Ryan against me, he would stop hurting Ryan if I...the shit he made me do—”

“Honey, I don’t need to hear this. You don’t have to tell me. The man was evil, a fucking devil. What happened wasn’t your fault, you participated under duress, and you were a confused and frightened little boy. Do you think I believe any different? Because what I see is a man I am immensely proud of, a man who has battled his entire life just to wake up in the morning. You stood beside my sister, you saved her, and then moved into my home to keep
me
safe.”

“I never wanted you to see me like this, I never wanted you to know about my nightmares and what a fr...dick I am.”

I opened my mouth to offer a sarcastic retort but he covered my mouth with his hand.

“Just keep quiet, I can read your mind, Lou.” He chuckled and kissed the tip of my nose. “I managed to hide the darker side of me, but when Eve said she was worried about you being alone, and that Elliott threatened to hurt you, I couldn't hide. I needed to protect you more than I needed to protect myself.”

I stood on my tiptoes and pressed my lips against his. “Thank you.”

“I couldn’t stand to lose you.”

“You won’t,” I said quietly before kissing him again. I pulled away and held him at arm’s length, I couldn't help tracking the movement of his biceps, the dips and curves of his tight skin. My gaze wandered down his chest, to his defined torso, with yummy grooves highlighting a toned stomach. Then my eyes widened when I noticed he was wearing a towel, a plain white towel casually tied around his hips. Holy frigging man flesh he had
the
indents. The ones you hear about in all those romantic sappy books Eve reads. Just over his hips were two delicious curves –

“Eyes up, sunbeam.”

“My eyes like those better than your face,” I said, pointing at his lick-able V. Seriously how the hell did he get a body this edible? I’d give up chocolate if I got to lick those daily.

“You’re making me feel cheap.” He chuckled.

“Yeah well, stay quiet, I’ll pay overtime, you’re spoiling the effect with your mouth,” I snapped, trying to sound annoyed, but I ruined it by smiling.

He started laughing but immediately stopped and I heard him gulp when I reached out to run my fingertips over the bumps of his abdomen. He shivered and his skin pimpled with goose bumps. I slid my fingers down stopping only when I reached the towel around his waist. The fluffy fabric a stark contrast to the silk of his skin.

“Lou.” His deep gravelled voice heated my insides. I moved one hand and with my index finger I traced the dip of his glorious V, I started at one side, tracing my finger across the seam of the towel to the other side. A protruding vein under his navel pulsed, teasing me to bend and lick it into submission.

“Lou.” He growled, and I looked up into his indigo eyes. The intensity stole my breath, I was held captured by the lust swirling in the deep blue depths.

I didn't want to speak. Instead I slipped my fingers into the edge of the towel and tugged him towards me, sealing my lips to the centre of his chest. I peppered open mouthed kissed all over his smooth skin. His hand cupped the back of my head and held me to him, a deep rumbling in his chest urging me to continue. A dark pink nipple pebbled, begging me to lick it, so I poked the tip of my tongue out and flicked it teasingly. His loud moan and the tight fist grabbing at my hair was all I needed for me to do it again.

I reached around his back, clawing at his tight muscles, feeling them flex and ripple under my hands. I pressed an open mouthed kiss over his heart. Johan gripped my hair in a tight fist and pulled my head away, taking possession of my mouth. He lunged forward, pressing his full body inch by inch against mine. His tongue delved deep and desperately into my mouth, lapping at me. The noises he made were killing me, I clenched my thighs together to abate the throbbing need but nothing worked. I had to have him. 

A deep moan sounded in his throat and my body flamed. I pressed against him feeling the cotton of the towel tenting an impressive erection. He pulled me to him and started walking backwards, tugging me along with him.