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I shake my head as the images from that night tumble darkly through my head because it’s still so painful to think about.  Unable to hold Cole’s gaze, I stare out into the surrounding darkness.  “He was stretched out on top of me when the bedroom door opened and two guys walked in.”  My brows draw together.  “I think they were all friends but I don’t know.”  Then I shake my head.  “I remember them staring down at me.”  I suck in a long shuddering breath not wanting to admit the rest but knowing I have to.  I don’t want any more secrets between us.  Even though it’s hard, I force out the rest of the words.  “I didn’t mind screwing around with the guy I was with… but I couldn’t understand what the other two were doing there,” I finally whisper.

It’s the feel of Cole’s fingers biting into my shoulder that has me snapping out of the daze that had fallen over me.  I inhale another harsh breath.  “At that point, I just wanted to get dressed and go.  It was just too weird the way they were watching us.  I remember telling them to go, but they wouldn’t listen.  And the guy on top of me didn’t seem to care.  I tried pushing him off so I could get out of there but he wouldn’t budge.  And then the other two guys started holding me down.  I remember yelling, trying to get them off me but I wasn’t strong enough. And then one of them covered my mouth with his hand.  I bit him and kept screaming for help but even as I was yelling, I knew no one was going to help me.  The party was so loud.  Music was blasting, people were laughing and shouting.  As drunk as I was, I knew no one could hear me.”  I close my eyes as the ugly memories pummel me.  I think I would give just about anything to wipe that night from my memory.  “Even though I was pretty wasted, I knew all of these guys were going to rape me and I knew there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.”  My voice is nothing more than a thick whisper.

It took over three months of therapy for me to stop waking in the middle of the night drenched in sweat.  And it took more than half a year of working with a counselor for me to stop flinching whenever someone laid a hand on me.  Because when they did, all the memories would spear through me like a lightning bolt, making me feel anxious and sick to my stomach.

Unable to meet his eyes, I press on because I just need to get this over with.  “But someone did help.  The door must have been left open and he heard or saw what was going on inside.  He came in and,” again I shake my head because what happened after that is still a little fuzzy.  It all happened so fast.  “I remember him punching the two guys who were holding me down.  And then the other guy was ripped off me.  Before I understood what was happening, I was being bundled up in a shirt and carried down the steps.  He got me out of the house and took me back to the dorms.”  When I finally find the courage, I force myself to look up, to hold his eyes with my own.  “The guy who rescued me was Luke.”

Cole’s eyes flare wide as he releases a long slow breath.

“He stayed with me in my room for the rest of the night. In the morning, when I had sobered up, I recognized him.  I remembered him from the men’s hockey team.  We had never really spoken before that night.”  

Cole looks completely stunned by what I’ve told him.

At this point, I really can’t imagine what he thinks of me.

“Thankfully my parents picked me up that afternoon because I don’t think I could have stayed on campus for another day.  Not with what happened.  My dad was so angry that he refused to even speak to me.”  Feeling embarrassed, I hunch my shoulders.  “I had never really been close with my mom but I thought, maybe… maybe if I told her everything, she would understand all the pressure I’d been under and she could help me talk to my dad.  The first thing she did was take me to the doctor so I could get tested for pregnancy and STD’s.”  Another wave of mortification sweeps over me, heating my face.

I can’t believe I’m telling him all this.  Sometimes it’s difficult to believe that it even happened.  When I continue, my voice is smaller, thinner and I just want it over with.  I can’t do this anymore.  “Everything turned out to be fine.  Honestly, I don’t have much to be thankful for, but I am about that.  Within a week of being home they shipped me off to my grandparent’s house two hours away because they were worried about what kind of influence I would be on my younger sisters.”  It was still a bitter memory that hurt to think about.

I hear Cole inhale another breath and something inside me grows even colder.  Because I can tell… what I just confessed matters.  Of course it matters.  There’s no way in hell he’ll ever be able to look at me the same way again.

Unable to stand the thick silence that has fallen over us, I finally whisper with an ache filling my heart, “Cole?”

His eyes search mine for a long heartbreaking moment before he slowly pulls me to him. Wrapping his arms protectively around me, he holds me so close that I have to fight for breath. Unable to help myself, I squeeze my eyes tightly shut before bursting into tears.

“Don’t cry, baby.”  His voice is nothing more than a rough scrape of emotion before he presses a lingering kiss against my hair. “Please don’t cry.”

But I’m too far gone to rein it back in.  All the anxiety, the humiliation comes pouring out in those wet noisy sobs.

Very slowly his fingers settle under my chin before he tenderly lifts it up so my eyes are able to lock on his.  It’s very softly that he says, “I told you before that whatever you had to tell me wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference and it doesn’t.”  He pauses as a small smile tugs the corners of his mouth up.  “I don’t care about what happened last year.  Don’t you understand that?  You aren’t that person anymore.”  Then he shakes his head before pressing a very gentle kiss against my lips.  “You were
never
that person.  You had a rough time when you went away and lost control.  I’m just sorry you felt so alone, that no one was there to help you.”  His eyes flash with concern. “And I’m sorry you were in such a dangerous situation.”  Again he pulls me back into the warm circle of his arms as I release a long slow breath.  “Thank God Luke found you when he did.”

“I know.”  My lips pull down as I stare out into the darkness.  I don’t mention that Luke showed up at practice tonight.  Nor do I tell him that we met on the way to class this afternoon and he brushed his lips across my cheek.  I don’t want to keep any more secrets from Cole but I’m not sure if there’s really anything to tell.  I’m not sure if I’m just being paranoid or if this thing with Luke is truly something to be concerned about.

My guess is that I’ll have to, at some point, sit down with Luke and hear what he has to say.  The problem is that even though he swooped in and saved me… it’s just so difficult to rehash.  I can’t keep talking about it.  I need to put it all behind me and move on.  And seeing Luke is a constant reminder of what happened… of what
almost
happened.

I can’t begin to imagine what Luke sees when he looks at me.   

I just know that every time I see him, I feel hot thick waves of humiliation wash over me.  He’s unfortunately tied to the worst night of my life.  And seeing him, being around him, reminds me of it.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Kissing the crown of my head, Cole murmurs softly, “You’re going to be great out there.  You know that, right?”  His arms wrap around me, holding me tightly to him.  People are walking past us on their way to the stands.  There’s a feeling of excitement charging the frigid air.  I can all but feel it.

Even though I’m nervous, I’m totally ready to do this.  I just want to get out there already.

“I’ll be right up in the stands the entire time.”

He’s trying to help settle my nerves, which is really sweet of him.  I haven’t played in a real hockey game since high school.  Last year, I’d rode the bench anytime we played a game or scrimmage.  And that certainly hadn’t helped with my downward spiral.  I’d never sat a game in my life.  I’d always been first string.  Even though this isn’t a top university program, just an intramural game, I’m still choking on nerves.  Cole will be sitting up in the bleachers watching me and I don’t want to embarrass myself or disappoint him.  More than anything, I want him to be proud of me.

Again he kisses the top of my head before whispering against my hair, “Just have fun out there, that’s what it’s all about.  That’s what it’s
always
been about. ”

I know he’s giving me solid advice but still… the nerves won’t stop churning in my belly and they probably won’t stop until I get out on the ice for warm ups.  No pep talk is going to change that.  And then, hopefully, it’ll all just settle as I lose myself in the game.

With a smile making his dimples pop, he slaps my ass.  “Now get into the locker room and I’ll see you after the game’s over.”  My eyes widen because that smack was a little rougher than usual.  Oh, he is in so much trouble when I get him home tonight…

Reaching up, I stroke my lips across his, caressing them in a way that drives him absolutely crazy.  In response, he makes a low growling sound that comes from deep within his throat and I can’t help the small smile of satisfaction that curves my lips upward.

“You better get going before I scoop you up and carry your ass out of here.”

Feeling a little more at ease, I pick up my my hockey bag before heading to the locker room.  Just as I’m about ten strides away, he suddenly calls out my name.

Turning, I raise my brows in silent question.  A big smile curves its way across his face as his gaze captures mine.

With those dimples flashing, he murmurs, “I love you.”  His eyes continue holding mine as he releases those three sweet words into the cold air of the rink.

In answer, a huge smile blooms across my face as I drop my bag and fly back into the warm confines of his arms before he wraps them tightly around me, picking me up and swinging me around in a tight circle.  “I love you, too,” I whisper before kissing that beautiful mouth of his.

“But I loved you first.”  He’s laughing and it’s such a wonderful sound.

“Yeah, I think I’m good with that,” I murmur before smacking his lips with a long lusty kiss.

And then he’s nibbling the side of my neck and I’m squealing, suddenly wishing there were no game to get to. In this precisely perfect moment, I want nothing more than to be in bed, listening to him tell me a hundred more times that he loves me.

“Oh for God’s sake,” Sammy rolls her big brown eyes as she walks past us, “get a freaking room.”  Then she adds, “After the game.  Get a damn room
after
the game.”

“I’d better go.”  Grinning, I finally back away from him, “I got me a game to win tonight.”  I give him a little wink and he shakes his head.

With his eyes still on me, the smile fades as a flash of heat flares in his gorgeous whiskey colored eyes.  “And I’ll be waiting afterwards to get that room.”

I’m sure there’s a ridiculously huge grin plastered across my face as I wag my finger at him.  “Promises, promises…”  Picking up my bag, I blow him a kiss before pushing my way into the locker room.  Rock music is being blasted from someone’s Ipod speakers.  The girls are all talking and laughing, trying to get pumped up and for just one small sliver of a moment, I stop. Taking it all in because this is something I’ve really missed over the last year.

The comradery of a team.

The sisterhood of hockey players.

Girls who have your back.

The Dartmouth team hadn’t been that way or maybe I’d just never gotten the opportunity to experience it.  But I have it now with this group of girls and I feel extraordinarily blessed that I do.  It doesn’t matter that we’re not playing for a top college program.  These girls, these
women
, are who I belong with.

Again I realize that none of this would be possible without Cole setting it in motion.  I’m incredibly lucky that he took the time to give me something I hadn’t even realized I’d needed for myself.  Honestly, I just feel damn lucky to have him in my life.  He’s quickly becoming my everything.  And sometimes that’s a really scary prospect.  But it’s way scarier to imagine a life without him in it.

Cutting into my thoughts, Sammy jostles me with her elbow. I grunt before rubbing the spot she hit.  “You two are seriously barfy, you know that?”

Her disgusted words are enough to bring the cheesy grin right back to my face.  Everything feels so damn good.  I’m not used to feeling this happy.

“It’s nice to see, Jameson.  Now, get your damn head out of your ass and into the game where it belongs.”  Standing on one of the benches, she shouts over the loud pumping music, “Let’s show them whose house they’re in by kicking a little ass out there tonight!”

A loud cheer goes up as I grin, stripping down and suiting up.

Two hours later, we’re in the final minutes of the third period.  The Artic Cats, the team we’re playing, are better than any of us anticipated.  But that’s okay, because we’re pretty damn good too.  With three minutes left on the clock, we’re tied.  Again.  There’s never been a moment during the entire game tonight when we weren’t separated by more than a goal.  The crowd is going nuts because this game has turned into a real nail biter.

All I know is that I want to pull this off.  I want to top off this perfect night with a win.  As the clock continues running down, I line up at face off and wait for the ref to drop the puck.  As soon as he does, I scramble, win the faceoff before sliding it quickly over to my right wing.  With the puck on her stick, she surges forward, her skates digging into the ice as she hustles.  My eyes bounce to the clock as I skate up with her, careful not to cross over the blue line before she clears it.  As soon as she does, I fly towards the net.  She glances up, meeting my eyes before faking a pass to the left wing.  Instead she shoots it right to me.  There are two defensive players swarming, trying to block a clear shot to the net.  So I do the only thing I can and pass it back.  Glancing again at the clock, I see that time is running out.  We have thirty seconds left.  Thirty seconds until this game is over and I don’t want it to end like this. We’re so close to winning.