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Taken aback by her meaning, I whisper, “Are you saying that I sabotaged myself last year on purpose?”

She merely holds my eyes.  “I don’t have an answer to that.”

Almost blindly I stare down at my fingers which are tightly knotted in my lap.  I’d spent a lot of time thinking about the hows and whys of my self-destruction.  In hindsight, I had been a ticking time bomb. And when I had detonated… not only had I destroyed myself but the relationship I’d had with my family as well.  Glancing back up, my eyes skewer hers.  “I think the pressure of playing at such an intense level, attending such a rigorous school, needing to be perfect… it all just got to me.”

“But you’re not feeling that way now with classes and hockey and working, are you?”

“No,” I answer quietly.  “Everything feels totally different.”  I’m not worried about self-destructing.  That will never happen again.  Because I won’t let it.  I’m more in control than I ever was before.  I now have a much better understanding of myself.  Of what I can handle and what I can’t.  And my dad is no longer running my life.  I think that was part of it to. Up until I’d left for school, he had regimented my entire life.  I simply followed the schedule and didn’t ask questions.  Without him, I had fallen apart.

I can’t help but shake my head because that sounds so pathetic.   

“Have you learned anything from that experience?  Is there anything good you can take away from it?”

Anything good?

I can’t help but snort just before widening my eyes.  The edges of Dr. Thompson’s lips pull upwards.  “It was a horrible experience, the absolute worst of my life but… I guess I don’t take anything for granted anymore.  And I’ve learned that I need to be happy with what I’m doing and not try to please other people.”  I pause for a moment processing what I’ve just verbalized. “And when you have issues, you need to seek help out right away instead of pretending they don’t exist because, in the end, it just makes everything worse.  Maybe if I had reached out for some help, talked with my coach or adviser, maybe everything would have turned out differently.”  I shrug my shoulders because honestly, there are just too many factors to consider.  And maybe… maybe the end result would have been the same regardless.

Who knows?

I sure as hell don’t.

Dr. Thompson nods her head, agreeing with everything I’ve just voiced.  “Well, it sounds like you learned a lot about yourself and what you’re capable of doing when life doesn’t go your way.  You need to give yourself a little credit.  It took a lot of courage for you to return to school this year when you had failed.  Not to mention picking up a stick and playing hockey again.”  The sincerity pouring out of her eyes has just a bit of a lump settling in the middle of my throat.  “You should be really proud of yourself.  You’ve come along way.  Everything you’ve done so far this year has been a hard fought success and you shouldn’t discount that just because you perceive your first year away at school to be a failure.  From where I’m sitting, you’ve grown quite a bit as a person and you’ve learned a lot of important life lessons that will always be with you.”

To a certain extent, everything she’s saying is true.  I just wish my parents could see it that way.

Straightening in her seat, she changes gears on me.  “And how is everything with you and the boy you’ve been seeing?”

I’m about to say his name when her hand quickly shoots up to stop me.  “Just use a first initial.  I see a lot of students on campus and I want to keep things as private and as separate as I can, okay?”

“Yeah.”  Her saying that actually makes me feel a ton better.  So I decide to use the initial of his last name instead. “Umm, M.”

“Good,” she smiles, “So, are you and M still seeing each other?”

I suck in a deep breath before pushing it slowly out.  Cole and I have grown really close in the past few weeks.  Sometimes I can’t believe just how much he means to me.  “Yes, we’re still seeing each other.”

“So tell me how that relationship is progressing.”

She jots down a few notes as I continue talking.  “It’s really good.”  Laughing just a little bit, I shake my head.  “I know I keep saying that-
that everything is good
, but it really is.  I like him a lot.  He’s so different from any other guy I’ve been with.”

She studies me for a long moment before asking gently, “Are you being careful?”

It takes a moment for her meaning to sink in.  When it finally does, I shift uncomfortably in my seat.  “Umm, yeah.  We’re using condoms and I’ve made an appointment at the clinic for birth control.” I can literally feel the heat radiating off my face in thick waves as I force my eyes to hold hers.

“Have you talked to him about last year?”

I try swallowing the thick lump that has suddenly formed in my throat.  “Tonight,” I murmur, “We’re going out to dinner and I’m going to tell him everything.”

“And how do you feel about that?”

“Pretty much like I’m going to throw up.”

“I know it’s hard, Cassidy, but you can’t have an honest, open relationship with someone if it’s not based on truth and trust.”  She pauses before searching my eyes.  “Do you feel panicky?  I know discussing this subject with M feels difficult and probably even a little scary.”

Closing my eyes, I assess the way my body feels. Yeah, my heart is pounding a little more than normal.  My chest feels a bit tight, but it isn’t terrible.  It isn’t debilitating.  I’m pretty sure I can breathe through it.  Especially if I use the breathing techniques.  “I’m okay right now but I know I’m going to be really nervous when I finally have to tell him.” 

“Maybe it would be best to have this conversation when you’re alone and not in a crowded restaurant being interrupted by the wait staff.  What do you think about that?”

I turn her words over in my head before finally agreeing.  “Yeah, that would probably be better.  Maybe we can stop somewhere on the way home or we can go back to his place and talk everything out.”

“That sounds like a good plan, Cassidy.”  Again she searches my eyes before adding, “If this boy is the person you seem to think he is, then he’s going to understand that everyone makes mistakes and that we grow and learn from our experiences.  Nobody’s perfect.  You need to remember that.”  She pauses before adding, “And at some point,
you
need to forgive yourself for what happened.”

I nod, praying that she’s right about Cole.  That he’ll understand I’m not the same girl I was last year.

As far as forgiving myself… well, I’m nowhere ready to do that yet.  Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for throwing away all my hopes and dreams.

Chapter Twenty-Two

“I’ve never been here before.”  Fidgeting nervously with my skirt, I immediately begin smoothing it out.  All I can think about is that by the end of the evening, Cole will know everything.

As the hostess seats us, I watch her eyes continuously stray back to Cole. It’s almost comical how oblivious he is to her lingering looks and I can’t help but grin when she finally walks away.

“What?”  He asks, a small smile curving his lips upward as his golden eyes hold mine.  Cole has such a direct, unflinching stare.  Sometimes I think he can see clear through to my soul.  An anxious little shudder snakes its way through my body because I don’t want him looking that deeply.  I don’t want him to see the person I really am.

Even though Dr. Thompson keeps saying that I should feel good about succeeding after my failure last year… it’s difficult to feel that way. It’s all just so humiliating.  Maybe someday I’ll be able to look back and feel that way, but I can’t imagine that happening anytime soon.

“Nothing.”  For just a moment I glance around the intimate, out of the way, Italian restaurant Cole decided on.  “This is a really nice place.”  There are crisp white cloths covering each table and the lighting is dim but not overly so.  The atmosphere is quiet and yet, looking around, I see there are other groups of students dining here as well.  Seems kind of like a strangely popular place for being so far from campus.  If the aroma permeating from the kitchen is anything to go on, then the food is going to be absolutely delicious but still, it’s doubtful I’ll be able to force much down. I’m almost too nervous to enjoy being out with Cole tonight.  Which sucks.

He glances around as if seeing the small Italian restaurant through my eyes.  I’m a little surprised by the sudden hint of sadness lurking within his golden brown eyes. “My parents used to take me here when I was a kid.  It was my dad’s favorite restaurant.”

Not understanding the pensive look or somber tone, I ask, “Do you still come here with your family?”

Instead of holding my gaze, his eyes fall to the menu in front of him.  After a moment or two, he takes a deep breath before they finally lift and skewer mine.  I can almost feel the heaviness of his gaze as it settles on me.  “My dad died when I was ten.”

Stunned by that quiet admission, I reach my hand across the table, placing it softly over his.  “I’m so sorry,” I whisper, “I didn’t know.”  How is it that I didn’t know something so important about him?  The loss of a parent… that seems so devastating.

Cole gives me a small smile, one that’s meant to be reassuring.  Which seems ridiculous.  “It happened a long time ago.  And my mom has been remarried to someone else now for about six years.  He’s a really good guy.”

I shake my head unable to fathom what it would feel like to lose my mom or dad.  “That must have been really difficult.”  I gulp feeling hot waves of emotion settle in my chest as I imagine a ten year old Cole losing his father.  Difficult doesn’t even begin to cover that kind of loss.

He sighs, his shoulders slumping just a bit, almost as if the very thought drags him down.  Finally he says, “He was killed by a drunk driver.  The kid who hit him walked away without a scratch.  My dad died instantly at the scene.  There wasn’t anything that could have been done for him.”

My heart twists even more as I squeeze his hand tightly within my own.  “That’s terrible, Cole.  I’m so sorry.”  I know my words can’t possibly dull the pain or make anything better but still, I just can’t help but voice them.  Losing a parent like that… so abruptly.  No, I can’t imagine it at all.  My parents and I might be going through a rough patch but they’re still there if I need them.  Hopefully with the passage of enough time, we’ll be able to mend what’s broken between us.  Cole doesn’t have that luxury.

“I’m not going to lie, for a long time life really sucked.”  He’s quiet as his eyes slide back down to the menu on the table. “I guess that’s why I have such a hard time understanding how people can just cut each other off.  No one would do that if they understood what it felt like to have someone ripped from their lives.  There are no second chances.  You just have to make peace with it and move on the best you can.”

A huge lump settles in the middle of my throat as I stare sightlessly down at the menu.  His words churn uncomfortably in my head.  What can I really say to that?  Cole doesn’t have a father and would probably give just about anything to have him back in his life and my family and I are barely on speaking terms because I disappointed them.  It all just feels so pointless.

For just a few moments we both sit quietly, each of us lost in our own private thoughts, as we stare at the menus in front of us.

As the silence stretches and grows, he finally says, “Obviously I don’t know what the issues are between you and your family but I do know how it feels to lose a parent.”  One side of his mouth curves up just a bit. “I’m not trying to sound preachy… it’s just hard for me to watch someone turn their back on family.”

As I continue staring sightlessly at my menu, I whisper thickly, “I know.”

Finally I glance up and our eyes lock across the table.  The tiny smile he’s now wearing falters.  “I’m sorry.  I really wanted this to be a nice dinner.  I didn’t mean for our conversation to get so heavy.  Christ, we haven’t even ordered yet.”  Reaching for my hand, he brings my fingers to his lips before pressing a soft kiss against my knuckles.  Looking down again, I nod but his words feel as if they have somehow settled uncomfortably between us.

Clearing his throat, Cole knocks me out of my thoughts.  “Any idea what you want to order?”

Pasta, which I love, is out of the question.  There is absolutely no way I can eat something so heavy right now.  “I think I’ll just get a salad.”

His brows draw together.  “The spaghetti and meatballs is really awesome here.  Sure you don’t want to try something else?”

“No.” I try hoisting a smile but it’s impossible.  And it’s even more difficult to keep our conversation light and easy after the weight of what Cole just shared. I feel like I’m being suffocated by the heavy emotion we’ve stirred up.  Part of me just wants to spill everything right now, just get it all out in the open.

Because I don’t know how much longer I can sit here, nervously picking at my salad.

Noticing my lack of appetite, Cole asks with some concern, “Are you okay, Cassidy?”

Glancing up, I smile but it’s halfhearted at best.  “Yeah, I’m fine.” 

With his plate half finished, Cole reaches across the table covering my hand with his own.  “I’m sorry, I wanted tonight to be nice.  We’ve never really gone out before and I wanted it to be special.  That’s why I brought you here.”  There’s the tiniest hint of a smile curving his lips upward. “Note to self- don’t talk about dead father on first real date out.  Total buzzkill.”