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I shake my head not wanting to make light of such a terrible tragedy.  It’s just too sad.  And I feel bad for Cole.  For all the things he missed out on with his father.  It makes my own situation seem all the more foolish because it’s self-induced. 

My eyes settle on his.  “No, it’s okay.  I’m glad you told me.”  I want to know everything about him even though I would rather keep pieces of my past buried where no one can ever find them.

He squeezes my hand in return, smiling at me from across the table.  “Are you ready to get out of here?”

I hate to admit it, but this dinner hasn’t turned out the way I thought it would and I’m actually relieved that it’s over.  At this point, I just want to find a quiet place where we can talk.  It would totally suck if Cole couldn’t deal with what happened but it’s just too difficult keeping it all bottled up inside.  “Yeah, I just need to go to the bathroom and then we can leave.”

He nods and I quickly excuse myself to the ladies room at the back of the restaurant.  As I stand in front of the huge rectangular mirror with my head hanging between my shoulders, I suck in a deep breath of air before pushing it slowly out.

I can do this.

I can tell him and everything will be just fine.

He’ll understand.

After a few more deep steady breaths, I head back to the table where Cole is waiting for me.  My pace slows, as I notice that someone is now sitting across from him.  Something jolts within me as I realize that it’s the guy I was dancing with at the party a few nights ago.

What’s he here doing?  And why is he sitting with Cole?

A prickle of unease snakes its way down my spine as I watch Cole shake his head looking confused by whatever the guy is saying.  I watch him gesture with his hands but again, Cole shakes his head in answer.

My legs feel oddly paralyzed, I’m almost afraid to join them.  It’s no more than a heartbeat later when Cole’s golden eyes suddenly collide with mine.  I don’t have a clue what’s going on between them but I can tell that something’s not right.  Cole looks… not exactly irritated but... I don’t know…
something
.

“Cassidy.”  He holds out his hand and I have to literally force my feet to shuffle slowly towards him.  When I finally reach the table, Cole grabs my fingers, pulling me down into the booth beside him.

Confusion along with anxiety swirl their way through me.

Do they know each other?

Because I get the feeling that whatever is going on between them has something to do with me.

Cole gestures towards the guy sitting across from him.  “Cassidy, this is Luke Wellington.  He plays hockey with me.”  Nerves coil tightly in the pit of my belly.  Quickly I glance at Luke before my eyes snap back to Cole.  I have to remind myself that I didn’t do anything wrong when I danced with him a few nights ago.

But what else could this be about?

“Luke seems to think you two know each other.”

With a pounding heart, I force my eyes to Luke who continues searching my face before glancing nervously back to Cole.  Gulping, I slowly push out the words, “He’s the one I danced with at the party on Saturday night.”

For some reason, my words have Cole’s entire demeanor relaxing.  “Yeah, see, I’m sure that’s it.”  His eyes flick to Luke before sliding back to mine. “He thinks you two went to the same school last year.  Luke transferred from out of state.  He’s a junior.  I keep telling him that you’re a freshman.”

And just like that, the bottom falls out of my world and I’m in freefall.  Bile, swift and strong, rises up within me.  My wide frightened gaze settles on Luke again as I search his face more carefully this time.  Only then does something click in the far recesses of my brain.  Honestly, if he hadn’t pushed the issue, I don’t think I would have recognized him.  Maybe some part within me had actually been trying to mentally block it out.  I don’t know.

But I see it now.

Luke had played on the men’s hockey team at Dartmouth last year.  Maybe second or third string.  He’d had some kind of a scruffy facial hair thing going on. Recognizing him, my stomach sinks to the bottom of my toes as it all falls jarringly into place.  My breath hitches painfully or maybe it even stops for just a heartbeat or two.

In that moment, I want nothing more than to bolt from the restaurant as his eyes latch onto mine.   

“You look just like someone I went to school with.”  Examining my face, he scrutinizing every inch of it in much the same manner as when we danced together.  “Do you have a sister or cousin who played women’s hockey at Dartmouth?”

Sucking in a nervous breath, I feel my hands begin to tremble as I quickly shake my head.   “Sorry,” I whisper, “no sisters or cousins at Dartmouth.”

He smiles casually but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes as they continue probing mine for answers.  And even though he shrugs his wide shoulders, there’s a look in his eyes that says he doesn’t believe a word I’m saying.  The silence at the table becomes stifling.  Finally Luke admits with what sounds like forced nonchalance, “I guess you’ve got a doppelgänger out there somewhere, Cassidy.”

My lips feel strangely stiff as I pull them into a thin smile.  “Yeah, maybe.”  The bile… it’s churning.  Churning and churning and churning like a washing machine on spin cycle.  Waves of nausea pitch and roil violently within me.

Then, almost as if he refuses to let it go, he leans towards me again, his eyes holding mine captive.  “The similarities are uncanny.”

Oh God.

Oh God.

Oh God.

I need to get out of here.  He knows. He remembers.  He remembers that horrible night.  Even thinking about it has me cringing and seizing up with panic.  The last thing I want is for Cole to hear the whole sordid story from Luke Wellington.  As if in slow motion, I turn to Cole, “I’m ready to go, if you are.”

Looking oddly relieved by my words, he nods.  Both of us stand before I scoot as far away from the table as I can possibly get.   Inhaling a deep shuddering breath, my whole body shakes as nerves dance and prickle along my skin.

Luke gets to his feet as well before nodding to a table full of guys across the restaurant.

Cole gives them a wave before clapping Luke on the shoulder.  “Okay, well, I’ll see at practice tomorrow.”

“Catch you later, man,” but even as Luke says the words, his eyes are crawling all over me.  “It was nice seeing you again, Cassidy.”  His words are light but there’s an undercurrent beneath them.  Something that bothers me. Maybe I’m just being paranoid.  I don’t know.  I just know that I need to get out of here.

I force a small smile.  “You, too.”

And then I practically sprint from the restaurant pushing out through the double doors into the brisk night.  I suck in huge gulps of chilly air, needing to calm my racing heart.  Needing to settle all the fear and anxiety bubbling up within me. 

What the hell am I going to do now?

How can I possibly tell Cole everything that happened when I just lied to him?  And Luke didn’t look convinced either.  He remembers.  He remembers the night I’ve tried so desperately to forget.

The twisted thing about it is that without him… without him intervening, that night would have ended so much worse for me.

It’s one thing for me to rehash last year without anyone else knowing the grizzly truth but now Luke is here.  At Western.  And he saw me at my absolute worst.  He probably knows things that happened that I can’t even remember.

Oh God…

I just want to bury my face in my hands and sob.

Even if I could have gone back to Dartmouth this year, I wouldn’t have.  I would forever be the girl who crashed and burned.  I had come to Western for a fresh start where no one knew anything about me.  No rumors.  No whispers.  No ghosts from the past to haunt me.

The little bit of salad I forced myself to choke down starts roiling almost dangerously in my belly and for one God awful moment I wonder if I’ll actually be sick right here in the middle of the parking lot.

“Cassidy?” I jump as Cole lays a gentle hand on my shoulder.  “Are you okay?  You don’t look so good.”  He searches my eyes in the darkness under the bright parking lot lights.  Quickly I glance away not wanting him to see too much.  I can’t do this.  I can’t tell him the truth. Not now.  My plan had been to get it all out in the open so there wouldn’t be any more secrets between us but I just can’t do it.  The words are sticking in my throat like a huge lump.

With trembling fingers, I carefully stroke my left temple.  “I had a little bit of a headache before you picked me up tonight but now it’s really throbbing.  Would you mind if we cut this short and you just drop me off at the dorms?  I think I’ll feel better if I can lie down for a while.”  It isn’t a total lie.  Already I feel a massive headache brewing.

Wrapping his arm around my shoulders, he pulls me close before softly pressing a kiss on the top of my head.  “Of course.  I’m really sorry about tonight.”  He chuckles weakly.  “It didn’t exactly go the way I planned.”

I smile just a bit, relieved that in less than fifteen minutes I’ll be back at the dorms.  And then I can sort through this whole mess.  I can figure out what I’m going to do.

As Cole drives me back to campus, I stare glumly out the passenger side window.  Just like Cole, I too had imagined tonight going differently.  Instead, all I’ve managed to do is heap even more lies onto the ones that will need to be untangled between us.

Chapter Twenty-Three

“Cass, please tell me what’s wrong.”  Brooklyn gently strokes my back as I lay curled up in the middle of my bed.  Once I returned to my room, I’d been unable to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks.  No matter what I do, they just won’t stop leaking from my eyes.  “I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me.”

What a fucking mess.

That’s the only thought looping through my head right now.

I can’t understand what Luke is doing here.  At Western.  He should be at Dartmouth.  He should have forgotten everything by now.  Forgotten me.  But that’s not the case.  He’s here.  And if the look in his eyes is any indication, he remembers everything.  He remembers me.  And what happened.

Yes, this is definitely a fucking mess.

Brooklyn has been at my side ever since I stumbled through the door with tears streaming down my face.  “Did you and Cole have a fight?”  Her voice drops as she asks, “Did you break up?”

I shake my head although, honestly, I think it might have been less painful if we had just ended it tonight.  I don’t want to lose Cole.  And yet it feels as if he’s slipping right through my fingers.

I’d come to Western to forget about all the mistakes I’d made last year.  I’d wanted to start over without the taint of everything continuously shadowing me.  I didn’t want to be
that girl
.  And now there was someone here at Western who could breathe life into the rumors all over again.

“Cass, just tell me what’s wrong and we’ll work it out together, I promise.”  She squeezes my shoulder lightly.  “You know I’m here for you. I’ll help you out any way I can.  You just have to tell me what’s wrong.”  Her desperate voice turns pleading.

Wiping my eyes, I finally haul myself up into a sitting position before searching Brooklyn’s concerned face. It’s obvious that my tears are scaring her.  During the last two and a half months of us rooming together at Western, Brooklyn and I have become closer friends than when we were in high school.  She’d been absolutely right when she’d said that I had let our friendship fall by the wayside.  It hadn’t been a conscious decision on my part, but it had happened nevertheless.  If there wasn’t hockey practice or games, then there’d been a strict workout schedule to adhere to or schoolwork to plow my way through.  There just hadn’t been time for anything, or anyone, else.

Including Brooklyn.

Frowning, I shake my head at the thought.

Searching Brooklyn’s worried green gaze, I realize what I’d forfeited in return.  The irony, of course, was that I had ended up losing everything.  Where had all my hard work landed me?  What did I have to show for myself?  No hockey scholarship, no prestigious college, no friends.  And no family backing me up anymore.

Maybe I owed it to Brooklyn to finally tell her the truth of what happened.  Even though I hadn’t been a good friend, she was still here, standing by my side.  Ready to offer her support.  In that moment I realized that I needed her.  I needed her friendship.

And so, without thinking about the consequences, I just start talking.  Babbling to get it out.  I tell her everything.

Everything.

If the wide eyed look on her face is any indication, then Brooklyn is completely shocked by all of it.  But throughout the entire story she remains silent.  No comments, no questions, no judgment.  She just sits beside me on the bed listening to every single word as it pours out of my mouth.  When I’m finally finished, I collapse tiredly onto the stack of pillows behind me.

Now that she’s been completely brought up to speed, I ask, “So what do I do now?”

Without a word, she simply gathers me up into her arms, squeezing me tight.  Her hands brush absently over my back.  “Jeez, Cass, I had no fucking idea. I’m so sorry you went through that all by yourself.”