Stay (31 page)

I inhale a deep breath as those familiar feelings of anxiety prickle their way along my flesh.  A thick ball of nervousness mushrooms in the pit of my belly as my eyes flicker to his.  “I promised to tell you what happened last year and that’s what I’m going to do.”

All the humor leaves him as he nods his head just once before pulling my hand onto his lap and holding it there.

We drive for about ten minutes.  The heavy silence that settles between us is nothing short of oppressive.  By the time he finally pulls off into a dark gravel parking lot that faces a small lake, I’m so tightly strung with nerves that my stomach is churning. Cutting the engine, he releases his seatbelt, then mine before finally turning towards me.  Gentle moonlight filters in through the windows illuminating his golden eyes as they hold mine.

My heart riots painfully in my chest as I gulp in a huge breath.  I just need to get this over with.

Cole tightens his hold on my fingers as if he’s unwilling to let me go.  His other hand tenderly slides its way across my cheek until he’s cradling it.  Squeezing my eyes tightly shut, I lean into the warmth of his palm. 

“Cassidy.”  Whispering my name, he waits for me to finally meet his gaze. Only then does he say, “Whatever you have to tell me, it doesn’t matter.  Okay?”  His eyes search mine.  “It doesn’t matter at all.”

God but I wish that were true.  “It does matter,” I murmur sadly because what I need to tell him will change his perception of me and I hate the thought of that happening.

Shaking his head, a small smile curves his lips upward.  “I already told you that I’m falling for you, whatever you have to tell me isn’t going to change that.  I promise.”

I want so very badly to believe him.  “I just need to get this out, okay?  I want you to understand what happened last year and then you can decide for yourself if it matters.  But I have to say it.”

In answer, he leans forward, taking my lips softly with his own.  His tongue slips gently inside my mouth, mingling and dancing with my own.  I groan, wanting so much more of him.  Wanting every single piece of him.

Finally pulling away, I put some much needed distance between us because if I don’t, I’ll get lost in him again.  With Cole it’s just way too easy.  “Please,” I gasp, “let me get this out.  It’s eating me up inside.”

Not allowing me to put anymore space between us, his lips slant down as he finally nods.  One hand goes to my shoulder as the other continues stroking my cheek.  His eyes hold mine tenderly.

God, I feel like I’m going to totally blindside him with this.

Taking a deep breath, I begin pushing it out slowly.  Part of me isn’t even sure where to begin.  Especially with him watching me so closely, it just makes me feel like a bundle of tightly wound nerves. Feeling the slight tremor run through my body, Cole squeezes my shoulder a little tighter as if trying to anchor me to him.  “I’m- I’m not a freshman like you think I am… well, technically, credit-wise, I am but age-wise, I’m almost twenty… like you.”

His brows draw together.  “Okay.”

Quickly gulping down another breath, I force the words out because right now they’re trying to stick in my throat.  “I graduated from high school the same year you did.”  And then I say it.  “I was at Dartmouth last year.”

“Dartmouth?”  He repeats the word slowly almost as if tasting it on his lips.  I can almost see his mind tumbling back to the restaurant and Luke asking if I’d attended that school… and me denying it, lying about it.  I see the exact moment it crosses his face.  The way his expression clouds.

His penetrating gaze continues searching mine. “So you and Luke were at the same school last year?”

Embarrassed for lying, I give him a quick nod before adding, “Just for the first semester.”

He looks completely confused by what I’ve just revealed.  “I don’t understand why you would lie about it.”

Of course he doesn’t.

“That’s what I need to explain.”  My heart is thumping so harshly under my breast that it actually feels painful.  I remind myself to take slow, even breaths.  To calm myself from the inside out or there is no way I’ll be able to get through all this.

Cole is falling in love with the girl he thinks I am.  Can he fall in love with the girl who made all the mistakes?  And then kept them from him?

Something almost shatters within me at the thought.  Because I don’t know… I’m not sure.  And so when I start, it’s from the beginning.  Because I really don’t know any other way to make him understand.

“Ever since I was a little girl, my dad talked about me playing hockey somewhere out East.  Once I became older, that school became Dartmouth.  That was the goal I was always working towards.  I’m sure you know what it’s like,” my eyes sift through his in the darkness of the car searching for some measure of understanding, “to commit yourself to your sport.”  He gives a little nod of his head as I continue.  “I ate, slept, practiced and went to school.  That’s it.  I dedicated myself to hockey to the point of excluding everything else. There was always so much pressure on me to succeed, to excel, to push through to next level.”

Cole nods again as if he understands but says nothing in response so I plunge on, just wanting to purge myself of all the lies and omissions.  “When I finally committed to Dartmouth in the fall of my senior year, I thought some of the pressure would finally be off or at least it would ease up a bit. That maybe I could relax and have some fun… but that didn’t happen.  In fact, knowing that I was heading off to Dartmouth in August only made everything worse.  I needed to keep my grades high and my dad had me working out every day in addition to all the team practices.  He said that playing at the next level would be tough, the competition more challenging, and that I needed to train even harder.  I had to be physically prepared.”  Almost helplessly I shrug my shoulders as I remember all the work, all the sacrifices I’d made to get there.

Sacrifices I had then pissed away.

“I spent the entire summer working out with trainers and skating with private coaches.  I swam and ran for extra conditioning.  That’s it.  When I finally left for college in August, I was exhausted.  Burnt out.”  I had been in the best physical shape of my life but I was a miserable, stressed out mess.  “And my dad had been right.  Playing at the college level was even more challenging.  I was skating with and against girls who’d been playing for two or three years in college.  Instead of being at the top of my game and one of the best players out on the ice, I was barely holding my own. No matter how hard I worked, it was never enough.  And then there was school.  It didn’t take long before I was drowning in my classes.” I shake my head remembering just how rigorous the workload had been. “I think if I hadn’t been playing hockey, I could have focused on my classes.  My grades wouldn’t have been perfect but at least they would have been…” my words trail off as I get tangled up in the painful memories.  For just a moment I sit there silently before I’m able to mentally shake myself out of it and take another breath.  “Not only was I failing in my classes, I was failing at hockey too….”

Everything from last year suddenly comes crashing down on me.  It’s Cole’s soft voice that breaks through the chaotic jumble of my thoughts.

“I can understand all of that, Cassidy.  I’ve felt the very same kind of pressure to succeed as you did.  What I don’t understand is why you would lie to me about it.”

I suck in another deep breath determined to push it all out.  “Because that’s not the worst of it.”

“So tell me the worst of it, Cassidy.  Tell me what happened.  Tell me what changed you so much.”  He’d claimed just a short time ago that whatever I had to tell him didn’t matter but I could see in his eyes that it did.  I could hear it in his voice.  Maybe now he’s starting to realize that I’m not the girl he thinks I am.

And he’s right… I’m not.

“About a month or so into the semester, I was already failing some of my classes.  I studied, but it didn’t seem to matter.  I was always behind.  And no matter how hard I worked at practice, it just wasn’t enough.  I had never…” God it was so hard to wrap my lips around the words.  Even now… almost a year later.  “I had never
failed
.  And now I was failing across the board.  And I didn’t know how to handle it.  I couldn’t tell my dad what was going on because he was so proud of me.  Of what I had accomplished.  I didn’t know the coaches very well or… anyone really.  I was far from home and I just felt so...” I shake my head remembering how alone I’d felt, “isolated.”

“Cassidy, that’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Cole cuts in quietly.  “I understand how that could happen.  Going away, all the pressure.  I just wish you hadn’t felt like you needed to keep all this from me.”

Very gently he pulls me to him before pressing his lips against my forehead.

As much as I appreciate the gesture, I slowly untangle myself from him.  “Even though I had requested to room with someone from the hockey team, that didn’t happen.  My roommate’s name was Amy.  She was really nice but we didn’t exactly have a lot in common.  She liked to party and I’d always considered myself a serious athlete.  I didn’t drink or do drugs.  I worked out all the time and was focused on my sport.  In the beginning, she would ask if I wanted to go out with her and her friends but I always said no.  The weekends were when I tried to get caught up on homework.  After a while, she just stopped asking.  But when everything started falling apart, I guess maybe she could see how stressed out I was.  She asked me to come out with them one night… to loosen up.  Get some perspective.  So I decided- why not?  I mean, it felt like my life was pretty much caving in around my head.  So I went out with them.”

My eyes arrow to his.  “I got so wasted that I couldn’t even get out of bed until two o’clock the next afternoon.”  Again I shake my head remembering just how hung over I’d been.  I’d never had alcohol before, so it hadn’t taken much.  “But that night was the first time in I don’t know how long that I could actually remember having fun.  I wasn’t thinking about my classes or playing hockey or my dad.  I didn’t feel lonely anymore.  It felt good.  So good, that when next Thursday night rolled around, I went out with Amy and her friends again.  And I continued doing that.  A few weeks later I met Nate.  He was in some fraternity and I’d seen him around.  Up until Nate, I’d never been with anyone.”  My eyes slide to his.  “I had barely even kissed a guy before him.” Even though Cole doesn’t say anything, his body tenses.

“Nate was my first.”  My eyes drop to my hands that lay twisting in my lap.  “Honestly I don’t even remember much about it except that it was fast.  And not very good.”  Grimacing, I remember it actually feeling awkward and kind of painful.  “Which is probably why he moved on pretty quickly after that.”  I inhale another deep breath knowing that we’re finally getting to the part I just want to forget about.  “There were a few other guys after that.”  I force myself to say the words even though they prick me like a knife.  “Just random hook ups.  None of them meant anything.  But somehow, they dulled the pain and everything was okay for a little bit.”  Feeling embarrassed, I stare out the window into the surrounding darkness.  “It was stupid really.  I would get so trashed that I usually couldn’t remember much of what happened the next morning.”  That last part has my face heating.  God, I sound like such a slut.  And that’s not me.  It was never me… not really… but I did those things.  And I can’t take them back.

Glancing up, I finally skewer his gaze with my own but he doesn’t say a word.  His face is completely shuttered and that scares me more than anything because I have absolutely no idea what he’s thinking.  What he thinks about me.  Which feels strange because Cole has such an expressive face.  He’s always so open with his feelings.

My heart squeezes in response.

“I was still going to my classes because I thought that somehow I’d be able to pull off passing grades.”  Shaking my head, I laugh but it’s one filled with sadness.  What an idiot I’d been.  “I seriously have no idea how I thought that was going to happen.  I must have been in denial.  And I was still showing up for practice but I was missing more and more of them.  The coach was all over me.  My teammates wouldn’t talk to me but they sure enjoyed talking about me.  Rumors were already flying around.  All the girls on the team knew what was going on and I’m sure they talked to the coaches about it.  But no one ever tried helping me.  I just kept sinking further and further.  Towards the end of the semester, I had missed so many practices that the coach finally kicked me off the team.  I didn’t know how to tell my father.  I couldn’t even imagine how furious he was going to be.”

Cole’s hands are still on me, but I no longer feel connected to him.  Even though moonlight is filtering in through the darkness, I can’t read his expression.  It’s almost as if he’s devoid of one.  Something within my heart twists because I can’t help but wonder if I’ve already lost him.

“A few weeks before winter break, my dad called.”  A thin shiver works its way down my spine as I recall that horrible phone call.  “My coach had spoken to my parents and filled them in on everything. 
Everything.
  That I’d been kicked off the team, that I was failing my classes, all the rumors surrounding my partying.  She put it all out there without ever talking to me about it.”  I laugh bitterly as my mind tumbles back to that conversation.  I almost flinch remembering how my dad had screamed at me.  “My dad told me that they were coming the following weekend to pick me up since there was no point in me staying any longer.  In a way, it was a relief.  Everything was out in the open.  I didn’t have to pretend anymore.  So I just shut down.  I stopped going to class altogether and partied instead.  It was just so much easier to be numb.  I stayed with a few friends who lived off campus.  Just some random guys I’d met through Amy.  On the last night I was there, they had a huge house party.  I went upstairs with some guy.  And we were making out,” Feeling ashamed, I pause before sucking in a deep breath.  I can’t bear to look at Cole as I force out the rest, “I’d had a lot to drink at that point.”  I pause as all the unwanted memories flood their way back through me.  “Our clothes were off…”