Stay (28 page)

I can’t help but sniffle.  At least the tears have long since dried.  And surprisingly, unburdening myself to her has somehow made me feel lighter.  Emotionally exhausted, yes… but lighter none the less.  I still don’t know what I’m going to do about Cole.

Or Luke for that matter, but at least I don’t feel quite so alone in this anymore.  And even though Dr. Thompson knows everything, she’s not my friend.  She’s a counselor.  It’s her job to offer comfort and support.  To help problem solve.

So, as much as I like her, she really doesn’t count.

Knowing that Brooklyn’s opinion of me hasn’t changed actually makes all the difference in the world. And it only reinforces the notion that Brooklyn has always been my friend.  Even when I wasn’t one to her.

“So, do you have any ideas on just how I’m supposed to fix this cluster fuck?”

A weak chuckle escapes her lips as she mulls over my options.  “Well, I think you have to tell him, Cass.  You need to tell Cole everything you just told me before Luke does, because obviously he remembers you from Dartmouth.”

Deep down, I knew that would be her answer.

It’s clear that Luke hadn’t just stopped by our table for idle chitchat.  My brows draw together because he could have forced the issue if he had wanted to.  He could have outed me even though I’d denied knowing him or attending Dartmouth.  So… why hadn’t he?

That sick nauseous feeling is back in full force again.

Nodding, I too realize there’s only one choice to be made.  I have to tell Cole the truth and I need to do it before Luke does.

“Or…” she hesitates before saying softly, “you could just stop seeing him.  Totally distance yourself from the hockey team.  If you’re not around them, then maybe Luke will forget about you… about what happened last year.  Kind of an out-of-sight, out-of-mind thing.”

Even though I don’t want to lose Cole, I turn the idea over in my head.

“Yeah, but I’ll still worry that he’ll end up telling people what he knows.”  Feeling miserable, my belly pinches with nerves.  “I don’t think I can live through that again.  If he starts spreading all the rumors, I’ll have to leave Western.”  Even though that’s the last thing I want.

Brooklyn’s face falls before she whispers, “I don’t want you to leave.”  She looks genuinely distressed by the idea and once again I thank God she’s in my life again and that’s she’s such a supportive friend.

My lips thin at the thought of starting all over again somewhere else.  And leaving Brooklyn.  She’s really the only one I can count on right now.  Until Cole knows the truth and accepts me for who I am, I can’t include him.  No matter how much I might want to.  “I don’t want to leave either.  I like it here.”

Over the last two and a half months, Western has really started to feel like home to me.  I’m enjoying my classes and rooming with Brooklyn.  I like tutoring and the girls’ hockey team.  After last year, I never thought I’d play on another hockey team again and it’s turned out to be awesome.

And then there’s Cole.  I think I fell for him that first night.  And I’m still falling.

It would be so difficult to leave all this behind and start over again.

“What if you talk to him?”

Feeling even more drained than before, I flop back onto the stack of pillows mounded up behind me.  “Who, Cole?”

“No,” eyes wide, she shakes her head slowly, “Luke.”  Her serious gaze holds mine.  More than anything I appreciate her trying to help me find a way out of this mess.

But still, I can’t imagine sitting down and discussing what happened last year with him.  “No.  I can’t talk to him, Brook.  I can’t relive that with him.  We’re practically strangers and yet… he was there.  He saw…”  I shake my head feeling almost nauseous.  “No, I just can’t do it.”  As painful as it is, I know exactly what I need to do.  “I can’t keep lying to Cole.  I can’t do it anymore.  If we’re going to keep seeing each other, he needs to know the truth.  He needs to decide if I’m still the girl he thinks I am.”  I hate the idea that what I need to tell him could ultimately change his opinion of me.

Of who I am.

“Of course he’ll still want you.”  She grabs my hand before squeezing it tightly within her own.  “He likes you, Cass.  And what happened last year doesn’t change who you are, it makes you the person you are today.” Brooklyn seems so sure of what she’s saying.  I wish I felt half as confident.

“He likes who he
thinks
I am,” I whisper, “He doesn’t know the real me.”  Because I’ve never given him the chance to see who that is.  I’ve been too afraid.

“Yes, he does.  And so do I.  What you just told me hasn’t changed what I think about you at all.”  Then she adds, “I still love you.  None of it makes a damn bit of difference.  So you made a few mistakes.  Who the fuck cares?  We all make mistakes.  None of us are perfect.”  Her green eyes flash with fire.  “And if he can’t see how wonderful you are, then screw him!”

Tears instantly well in my eyes.  Her words are exactly what I need to hear.  “Thank you.  That really means a lot to me.”

Brooklyn smiles just a bit.  “Well, it’s the truth.”  Then she takes us right back to where we started. “So, what are you going to do now?”

Chapter Twenty-Four

The nerves in my belly seize as the front door swings open.  It takes everything I have to force the words out.  “Hi, um, is Cole here?”

Alex meets my eyes for a moment before jerking his head towards the second floor.  “He’s up in his room.  You can go up.”  With that he leaves me standing at the door before walking back into the living room where a bunch of guys from the hockey team are playing video games.

Not wanting to make eye contact, I quietly slip past them before racing up the stairs, taking them two at a time. I have to get this over with before I completely lose my nerve and bale.  Or before Luke suddenly decides to beat me to the punch.

Inhaling a deep breath, I bring my hand up and force myself to knock on the closed door before hearing his muffled voice from the other side.

Pushing it open, I find Cole sitting at his desk bent over a text book.  He almost does a double take before quickly standing and walking over to me.  His brows draw together as his eyes search my face.  “Are you feeling better?”

I almost wince because it’s just another lie for me to untangle.

My shoulders slump at the thought.  Instead of answering his question, I simply say, “I need to talk with you.  Do you have a few minutes or are you too busy studying?”  Feeling awkward and nervous, I gesture towards the books lying open on his desk.  “It won’t take long.”

His lips pull up slightly as he murmurs, “No, of course we can talk.”  Then he reaches out, grabbing my hand before pulling me into a tight embrace.  As my body leans into his, I squeeze my eyes tightly shut praying this won’t be the last time I’m with him like this.  “I’m glad you stopped by.”

It’s doubtful he’ll feel that way once I finish telling him everything.  But he deserves the truth.  He deserves to know who the girl he’s dating really is.  And then he can decide if what I tell him matters.

Silently Cole moves us towards the bed so we can sit down next to one another.  My hands are still clasped in his.  Unable to hold his eyes, my gaze skitters away.  For just a few breathless moments, my eyes fly anxiously around the room, looking everywhere but at him.  This is so much more difficult than I imagined it would be.

Finally he says, “Cassidy?”  Reaching out, he tenderly strokes the side of my face, “tell me what’s going on.”

Now that I’m here, sitting right beside him, I don’t know how to start.  It feels as if everything in my life led me to that one turning point.  One bad mistake spiraling into another and then another until I was all but drowning in them.

“Baby?”

It tears me up inside to hear him call me that.  Shaking my head, I stare down at my fingers which are knotted in my lap.  I don’t want to see the shock and maybe even disgust that will very likely replace his concerned expression.

“You wanted to know what happened to me…” My soft words trail off as I take a quick peek at him.  He holds my cheek in the palm of his hand.  His thumb slowly caressing my lips.  It only makes me want to cry for all I’ll probably lose this night.

“I do.”  Leaning forward, he presses a gentle kiss against my mouth.  I shudder, wanting to feel the warmth of him filling all the cold dark places within me.  I thought it would be just a quick kiss, a little bit of reassurance but as it unfolds, he deepens it.  Or maybe I do.  I don’t really know.  All I know is that I want him desperately.

Feverishly.

I need him.

Somehow I want to hold onto Cole even though I’m not sure if that’s really possible anymore.

As his tongue slips into my mouth, I whimper.  Hot sparks of need shoot through my entire body.  His hands slide slowly from my face to my shirt before he quickly pulls it over my head.  Almost frantically I yank his shirt up as he unhooks my bra until we’re both naked from the waist up. 

“God, baby, I want you so badly.”

Again his feverish mouth claims mine as his fingers mold themselves to my breasts, stroking my pebbled nipples before he leans down to suck one hardened bud into his mouth.  I groan as my fingers thread their way through his messy dark hair.  He releases my tightened peak before slowly kissing his way down to the waistband of my skirt.  In the blink of an eye, I find myself flat on my back, my skirt sliding down my hips and then my legs.  My panties quickly follow suit until I’m lying completely bare in the middle of his big soft bed.

“I need to be inside you.”

There’s an intensity lighting his golden eyes as they linger over every inch of me before sliding back up to hold my gaze.  “You’re so fucking beautiful, Cassidy.” His words are thickly murmured and they do strange things to my insides.  As one hand slides between my legs, he parts them, his eyes dropping to my wet heat.

Shuddering at the feel of him touching me, I suck in a ragged breath as he gently lays a kiss upon me.  And then I’m whimpering and writhing beneath him as he laps at my soft silky folds.  Spreading my thighs further apart, he gently sucks my clit into his hot mouth. My body tightens, arching off the bed as every nerve ending in my body throbs and sizzles at the intense wave of pleasure that looms, threatening to pull me under.

“Beautiful,” he whispers against my heated flesh before adding quietly, “and mine.”

I squeeze my eyes tightly shut unable to bear thinking about whether that statement is true or not.  But I can have him one last time.  Just once more before I break his heart and he, in return, breaks mine.

Without another word, he plunges his tongue deep inside me as he rubs the soft pad of his thumb against my clit in tiny little circles that make me feel as if I’m going to lose my mind.  The moan that leaves my mouth is more of a low keening wail and I very nearly come off the bed as an orgasm streaks and sizzles its way through my rigidly held body.  Even after I stop pulsating and throbbing, he still continues stroking me with both his fingers and mouth until I can’t bear one more moment of it.

Tugging at his broad shoulders, I whisper, “I need you inside me.”  I need him to fill me up until he’s all I can think about.  Until he’s all I can remember.

Laying one more sweet kiss against me, he climbs carefully up my body. Quickly he sheathes himself in a condom before slowly sinking into me inch by lovely inch until he’s buried deep inside, filling me to the brim.  Gazing into my eyes, he begins to move within me, stirring to life feelings I had thought were already spent. 

“I think I might be falling for you, Cassidy.”  He whispers those soft words right before taking my lips with his own, his body rocking rhythmically into mine, making us feel as if we are one for just a little bit longer.

When he finally comes, I follow him right over the edge.  Even though my body feels completely and utterly exhausted by our lovemaking, my mind is restless with what still needs to be said.

Returning from the bathroom, I strip off the t-shirt I’d thrown on so I could leave his room and crawl naked back into the big soft bed with him.  Without a word, he gathers me up into his strong arms and I think-
I’ll do it now
. 
I’ll tell him now when we’re both so satisfied.  It won’t matter
. 
None of it will matter because he’s falling in love with me.  And… I’m falling in love with him too.  We can make this work.  I know we can.

Gathering my courage, I whisper nervously into the darkness, “Cole?”

But there’s no response.  Listening, I strain to hear any little noise.  “Cole?  Are you still awake?”

Again there is no answer.  A moment later I hear his deep even breathing and realize with a sinking heart that he has already fallen asleep.  Not knowing what else to do, I lay my head gently against his wide chest, comforted by the sound of his strong and steady heartbeat before falling asleep on top of him.

When I wake the next morning, Cole is gone. A short note propped up on his night stand tells me that he’s at an early morning practice.

Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I stare at the note before flopping back onto the pillow.  I came here last night with the sole intention of spilling every dark secret.  Instead, we ended up sleeping together.  And I’d said not a word.