Stay (11 page)

His eyes hold mine, their golden intensity arrowing straight through me, making me shiver in the early morning sunlight.  “Hey, how’s it been going?”

“Really good.” 
Lie.
  “How about you?”  Although I’m not sure if I want to know.  I’m half afraid he’s already moved on to some nice normal girl. One who doesn’t fall apart when he touches her.

Awkwardness descends upon us like a heavy blanket.  Until I feel as if I could literally choke on it.  Which sucks because all the other times we’ve been together, our banter has felt easy, natural, teasingly light. This is anything but.  All I can think about is escaping before this conversation delves into tortuous.

“I’ve been pretty busy with school and practice,” he says.  His eyes are still focused intently on mine as if he’s trying to figure out just what’s going on between us.

He looks on the verge of saying something more when I quickly cut him off needing to pull the plug on this disastrously stilted conversation.  “I bet.  Well, I’d better get back to it.”

His lips pull up but it’s nowhere near a full-fledged smile.  Not like the ones he showered upon me before… before he realized that I was nothing more than a nut job.  There are definitely no dimples in sight.

Jesus Christ, why does that even matter?

Truth be told, I’m frustrated with myself for even feeling hurt by this awkward conversation.  Clearly I’m in no frame of mind to be anything more than a friend to Cole.  On second thought, maybe not even that.

Just as I’m about to take off, he quickly sidesteps into my path.  He looks like he’s about to reach for my arms, but at the last minute, slowly drops his hands down to his sides.  My wide eyes follow the movement before quickly swinging up to his.  My breath hitches.

He must sense the questions burning in my eyes because he finally murmurs, “I’ve noticed that you don’t like to be touched.”  We stand across from one another, our bodies tense, our eyes locked.  Neither of us move.  I feel frozen in place.

Sucking in a deep breath I finally force it out slowly.  I’m not panicking.  I’m more embarrassed that he figured me out so easily.  That he’s saying the words out loud where I can’t ignore them or pretend they don’t exist.  And that’s hard.  It makes me feel vulnerable, like I need to explain why I am the way I am.      

“No,” I say quietly, “I don’t.”  And I leave it at that.

He takes a small, tentative step towards me.  When I don’t back away, he takes another and then another until I have to crane my neck to meet his steady gaze.  Until I can feel the heat of his body so very close to my own.  As if he’s the sun and I’m drawn to the warmth of him.  I gulp down my nerves as I continue holding his eyes.

If I’m not careful, I just might drown within them.

“I can’t stop thinking about you, Cassidy,” he finally whispers.  Pausing, his eyes search mine.  “I’ve tried to,” he admits softly, with more honesty than I was expecting, “but I can’t.”

Holding my breath, I’m unsure just what to say.  I guess we have that in common because as much as I want to push him away, part of me just wants to pull him close.  I’ve never felt so conflicted in my life.  I’m not ready to feel what he forces me feel.

It scares me.

He
scares me.

“Breathe,” he says gently and the moment he murmurs the words, I realize that I’ve been holding my breath.  Very slowly I release it out into the atmosphere.  “I’m going to touch your shoulders, okay?”  His words are calm, soothing.

I can breathe.

I’m not panicking.

My chest doesn’t feel tight or achy.

“Okay,” I agree softly.

Rather deliberately he brings his hands up until they’re able to rest lightly on my shoulders.

“So what are we going to do about this?”  His words are like a slow moving stream washing calmly over me.  And somewhere deep within, they spark to life a flicker of hope that maybe he sees more within me than I see in myself.

Still feeling confused and unsure, I shake my head.  “I don’t know.”  I really don’t.  There are a thousand reasons why this is a terrible idea.  A thousand reasons why a relationship between us is doomed for failure.

Before I can think better of it, I whisper, “I’m a little bit broken.”  Probably more than just a little.

For a long moment, he just cradles my eyes with his golden ones.  “You don’t have to tell me anything right now but if we’re really going to do this, you’re going to have to trust me enough to let me in.”

I jerk my shoulders before scraping my teeth along my bottom lip.  “What if I can’t?”  Because it’s hard to imagine forcing the words out.  Especially to Cole.

“We can take it slow, Cassidy.  So slow that it won’t even feel like we’re moving.”  The edges of his lips tip up as his fingers squeeze my shoulders lightly.

“Why?”  Marveling at his patience, I shake my head still feeling scared but feeling just a tiny bit hopeful as well.  “Why are you bothering with this?  With me?”  He has to realize by now that there’s something very wrong with me.  He has to know that a relationship between us won’t be easy.

I’m not easy.

Not anymore, I’m not.

He tilts his head to the side and for the first time in more than a week, I watch as a genuine smile curves its way across his lips.  I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that my heart flutters at the very sight of those dimples.  He chuckles as if the reason should be perfectly obvious.  “Because you’re all I’ve been able to think about since I met you.  Whatever secrets you’re keeping, you can trust me with them.”  The smile falls as a look of seriousness replaces it.  “I won’t hurt you.”

But still I can’t just jump blindly off the cliff with him… even if he kind of makes me feel like I want to.  “I need some time.”

With his hands still on my shoulders, he pulls me just a bit closer.  Although not close enough to actually be flush against his hard muscular body.  Only enough to tease me with the heat of him.  “I can give you that.”

The corners of my mouth tentatively slide upward.  Here’s a guy who has seen me lose it and he isn’t running away.  It makes me wonder if maybe I really can trust him.

“Are you coming to our party Friday night?”

“I think so… Brooklyn has only mentioned it a few dozen times now.”  Probably more…  Seriously, if I have to hear one more gooey word about Austin, I’m going to be sick.

Smiling, his eyes hold mine, both of us much happier than a mere five minutes ago.  “I’m sure she has since I asked Austin to make sure that his new girl brought her roommate along.”

I chuckle as his fingers gently squeeze my shoulders again.  A warm little arrow of heat shoots right through me.

Pulling my eyes away from his intense golden gaze, I watch as a car quickly speeds past us. “I should probably get back to the dorms.”  I still need to shower and get ready for class.

He pulls me just a bit closer before murmuring, “How about I run back with you?”

I shake my head.  “You don’t have to do that.”  The sun is shining brilliantly down upon us, warming our skin.  People are getting in their cars and leaving for work or school.  It’s perfectly safe for me to be out running by myself.

One side of his mouth quirks up as he searches my eyes.  “But I want to.”  And suddenly I have the feeling that safety isn’t foremost in his mind right now.

“Okay,” I concede, knowing all too well that I’ll enjoy the feel of him at my side.

Running next to one another, we jog back to my dorm which is about a mile and a half away.  I’m pretty sure he has to slow his pace even though I’ve tried to quicken mine.  But he never complains.  Neither us speak, instead we listen to our Ipods.  When we finally arrive in front of Washington Hall, the girls’ dorm, I turn to him, completely huffing and puffing, pathetically out of breath.

When I’m finally able to form words, I gasp, “I’ve just started running again.  I’m a little out of shape.”  It’s almost embarrassing that I used to run five miles in less than fifty minutes a couple times a week to keep my stamina high. 

“You don’t look out of shape.”  His eyes slide appreciatively over my body and if my cheeks hadn’t already been pink from our physical exertion, he would have seen the hot blush scorching them.  “How often are you running now?”

I gulp down another breath as my heart continues to pound away.  “Three times a week.  Usually Monday, Wednesday, and Friday around six thirty.”  I actually want to double over and lean my hands against my thighs, but there is no way I’m going to do that in front of him.   

He nods before stretching his legs.  “Would you like some company?”

I would love to spend more time with him… “I won’t be able to keep up with you,” I admit, “I’m not fast enough.”  My brows draw together as I take a really good look at him.  “You’re not even breathing hard,” I finally accuse.  Oh, that is so unfair.  I’m practically ready to keel over and he looks as if he’s been out for a Sunday stroll.  Worse than that- it’s only been a mile and a half.

So pathetic.

He smiles, his dimples peeking out.  And just like it always does- something warm slides through me at the sight of them.

“I run almost every day and lift weights four times a week.  We also have practice six days a week,” he chuckles, “I had better be in good shape or my hockey career would be over pretty quickly.”

Still looking unsure, I warn, “You won’t get much of a work out if you run with me.”

Once again, he places his hands on my shoulders before gently squeezing them.  He doesn’t ask permission this time but moves slowly enough that I could have stopped him if I had wanted to.  And for some reason, that makes me feel better.  More in control of the situation.  Cole isn’t going to rush me into something I’m not ready for.

He holds my eyes with his golden brown gaze. “I’m not looking for a challenge.  I’m looking to spend more time with you.”

I can’t stop the wide smile that spills its way across my face as I finally nod.  “Okay.”  I like the idea of waking up and running with him three times a week.

He squeezes my shoulders one last time. “Save me a seat in psych?”

“I will.”  Another flutter erupts within my belly at his warm words.  I enjoy my psychology class but now I’m looking forward to it even more.

Leaning towards me, I think that maybe he’s going to kiss me.  Inhaling a deep breath, I wait, kind of wanting it and kind of frightened of him actually doing it.  But he doesn’t.  Instead, he softly presses a kiss to the top of my forehead before pulling away and searching my eyes.

He grins as if my disappointment is something he can feel.  “Slow, okay?”

Facing flaming again, I nod.  “Okay.”  In that moment I realize just how much I wanted to feel the warm pressure of his lips sliding over mine.  I’ve secretly relived the kiss we shared an embarrassing amount of times.

With one final wave, Cole takes off, heading back to his house at a much faster clip than the one we just ran at.  Standing outside my dorm, I feel surprisingly happier than I’ve felt in a really long time.

Chapter Eleven

With our arms linked, Brooklyn and I become absorbed by a large herd of students heading to the same party we are.  With a raised brow, I stare up at the large Victorian as we finally arrive. It looks as if it’s bursting at the seams with people.  Even though it’s only nine o’clock on a Friday night, already drunken revelers are spilling out onto the darkened lawn, plastic beer cups in hand, laughing and hollering.  Music pumps and pulses from somewhere inside.

My wide gaze slides to Brooklyn.  “Jeez, it looks like everyone from campus is here tonight.”

“Didn’t you see the flyers plastered all over school?  I think it’s a,” she uses her fingers to make air quotes, “fundraiser.”  She rolls her large green eyes at that.

I can only imagine what will be bought with the money they make tonight.

Probably more red plastic cups and beer…

Pushing through the throng of people, we finally make our way inside the house.  My eyes dart around almost impressed with the sheer amount of partiers crammed inside the living room.  Every square inch of space seems to be occupied.  And if I had thought music was pumping outside… well, it’s much louder once you’re actually enveloped in it.  There is absolutely no way we will ever find Cole or Austin in this mess.

Just as that thought flits through my head, I feel a tap on my shoulder.  Turning, because honestly, if this is going to be another party where my ass is constantly being squeezed, I’m out of here right now.  Blaring music and a bunch of obnoxiously drunken strangers looking for a hook up isn’t exactly my scene.  But it’s Cole who I find looking at me with that trade mark sexy smile lighting up his face.

Wait a minute… did I just really think that?

Unconsciously my gaze drops from his eyes to his lips.  Yeah, I sigh, he really does have a sexy smile.  Actually, Cole is just plain sexy.  Crap.  I am so over my head with this…

He leans towards me before whispering, “Remember, we’re taking this slow.”

When my eyes widen, he continues, “You keep looking at me like that and I’m not sure just how slow I’m going to be able to keep things.”