Stay (10 page)

No matter how good looking this girl is, I’m just not into that.

Even though I’m not interested in the least, I still pull my lips into a smile.  “Hey Mandi, how you doing tonight?”  For some reason I can’t help but compare her to Cassidy with all her tumbling black hair and clear blue eyes and sweet curves.  Every time I see Cassidy, she’s dressed in jeans and a nice soft looking sweater.  I like that her style is low key.  She doesn’t seem like the type to showoff everything she owns.  Nor does she seem like the kind of girl who sleeps with an entire shift of hockey players simply because they’re on the school team.

“Much better now that I’ve run into you.”  There’s a sexy curve to her full red lips as she toys with her thick auburn hair.

“Mind if I sit down?”

Well, why the hell not?  Apparently I’ve got nothing better going on.  “Nope, pull up a chair.”

Giggling, she sinks onto my lap before tangling her arms around my neck.  “Or I could just sit right here.”  Her red slicked mouth is now inches from mine.

“Yeah,” I murmur slowly, “I guess that works too.”  Feeling her tight ass wiggle against my junk should have something stirring down below… but it doesn’t.

And that’s just plain sad.

As she begins murmuring in my ear, I let my eyes fall shut. Unfortunately it’s Cassidy who I’m imagining on my lap, whispering sweet promises about all the dirty little things she’d like to do to me tonight.

Christ.

I’ve got two words for you-
totally screwed
.

Chapter Nine

“So where’d you disappear to last night?  I thought you were going to hang out for a little while at the bar.”  Even though Brooklyn looks as though she didn’t get a wink of sleep last night, her voice is all but brimming with curiosity.

I glance up from the bowl of oatmeal I’m trailing my spoon through as we sit in the large window enclosed cafeteria. Brilliant sunshine pours down upon us. Even this early in the morning, students are bustling past us with trays full of food before they get ready for their day.  “I just decided to head home after the game instead.”

“Well, you missed an awesome time last night.  We had a blast.”  She grins happily before digging into her scrambled eggs, toast, and fruit.  She wiggles her eyebrows before adding in a low voice, “And what happened after the bar was even more fun, if you know what I mean.”

I roll my eyes because yeah, I know exactly what she means.   Not taking the- tell-me-more bait, I clear my throat.  “Well, Austin seemed nice.”

“He is totally nice.  So, did you have fun at the game?  I never realized just how exciting hockey could be.  Maybe we can check out a few more games this season.”  Brooklyn says all this right before she pops a piece of cantaloupe into her mouth.

Actually, I’d had a really good time last night.  It had made me realize just how much I still loved hockey.  Both watching and playing it. 

But seeing Cole…

Obviously he’s someone I need to steer clear of.

For him to cause one anxiety attack.

And then one almost anxiety attack.

The breathing exercises had helped calm me down but I can’t stop thinking about how quiet he had been on the ride back to the dorms last night.

I kept racking my mind for something to say.  But in the end, I had chickened out.  Because then I would have had to tell him way too much about my past and I wasn’t ready to do that.  The moment he had pulled up in front of the dorms, I’d mumbled a quick thank you before jumping out of his car as if it had been engulfed in flames.  I probably didn’t need to worry about staying away from Cole, he’d avoid me like a case of crabs.

Unperturbed by my silence, Brooklyn inhales her eggs and toast chattering the whole time I’ve been lost in my thoughts.  Thank God for Brooklyn and her obliviousness.  “The guy who gave you a ride home, his name is Cole?”  She asks this in between bites.

I glance up from my now cold bowl of oatmeal that has long since lost its appeal.  “Yeah.”  He’s the last person I want to talk about.  Especially with her.  I don’t need her making a big deal out of this.  And she will.  It’s her MO.

“I think he might be interested.”  Too late.  She smiles around another bite before giving me a little wink as if this is awesome news.

I want to laugh.  Or cry.  I’m not sure which.  After last night, that’s probably the farthest thing from the truth.  I’m sure he thinks I’m a total head case.  And… he’d be right.

“He was asking about you.  I would totally consider getting with that if I were you.”  Brooklyn waves to a few girls from our floor as they walk past dressed in hoodies and sweat pants.

Ignoring the last comment, I frown before leaning forward as I try reclaiming Brooklyn’s distracted attention.  “What kind of questions?”

“Ohhh,” she shrugs, “I can’t really remember- just about, you know, normal stuff.”

Well that’s not good.

Gulping, I feel the small amount of oatmeal I’ve managed to force down churn dangerously in my belly.  Quickly gathering up my bag, I shoot out of my seat, needing to get away from our conversation.  “I gotta get going.  I have to speak with one of my professors before class starts.”  That’s a lie.  But I can’t just sit here and listen to Brooklyn talk about Cole as if we’re ever going to get together because that’s not going to happen.

I won’t let it.

Brooklyn’s dark blonde brows slide together in confusion before she grumbles, “Hold on, hold on.  Jeez.  I’m not even done eating yet.”  Rather impressively she shovels the rest of her breakfast into her mouth before setting her tray down by the garbage can. 

As we push through the wide glass cafeteria doors, she says in a voice that is all but bursting, “So I’m seeing Austin again tonight.”  Grinning, her eyes practically dance with glee.  “I seriously like him.”  She grabs my arm, squeezing it as we continue walking along one of the cement pathways that wind their way through campus.  Even though the weather has grown cold, the bright sunlight cuts through some of the mid-September chill.  She leans towards me before saying, “Just in case you were wondering- yes, he’s absolutely amazing in bed.  And he knows exactly what to do with his tongue.  Which, I’m not going to lie, is a huge plus in his favor.”

“Actually I wasn’t wondering about that at all.”  Laughing, I shake my head.  “But thanks for the overshare.”

“Which part was overshare?  The sleeping together part or the amazing ways he uses that tongue of his?”

I wince, praying I can keep the visual at bay.  “All of it!”

She rolls her eyes.  “Oh, for God’s sake, that’s hardly too much information.”

“Ahh, yeah, Brook, it is.  That’s actually the very definition of TMI.”

“It’s not like I told you about how he-”

This time, I none-too-gently slap a hand over her mouth to stop her from speaking.  “TMI, Brook, TMI.”

After a moment or two, I remove my hand from her sulky face.  “You’re such a buzzkill.”

“If not wanting to hear all the gory details of your sexcapades makes me a buzzkill, then so be it.”

I can’t help the small smile that tugs up the corners of my mouth.  This is one of the things I genuinely like about Brooklyn.  No, not hearing about her sex life- which she is always way too generous with in regards to details, but just that she’s so light and sunny and fun.  I enjoy being around her even though she’s in perpetual motion.  Which can be exhausting.  But it’s a good kind of exhausting.  And most the time, it allows me to escape from myself and that’s almost always a good thing.

“Well, he seems nice.”  Although I can’t exactly say I spoke with him because Brooklyn had pretty much been sucking the very life out of his face the entire time we’d been in the lobby last night.

She clenches my arm again.  “Oh!  Maybe we can all go out sometime.”  Her eyes slide to mine in speculation.  Yeah, I don’t like that look one damn bit.  Because that kind of look usually means trouble for me.

“All go out?”  All who?  That’s when the
all who
hits me.

“You know- you, me, Austin and Cole,” she says this as if I’m too dense for words.

Stopping dead in my tracks, I turn towards her.  The people walking directly behind us grumble as they weave their way around us. “No,” something inside my belly dips as I shake my head, “that’s not a good idea.”  In fact, after last night, it’s a freaking terrible idea.  I don’t need a pity date.  In fact, I don’t want a date at all.  My life had been a lot less complicated before Cole had shoved his way into it.

“Why not?”  She hooks an arm around my shoulder as we continue walking again.  “You need to get more of a social life and I’m going to help you out with that.”

“Who says I need more of a social life?”  Pulling my sunglasses off the top of my head, I settle them on my face.

She rolls her eyes.  “Umm, me.  That’s who.  Seriously, Cass, you can loosen up without getting completely shitfaced and dancing naked on top of the table.  It’s okay to let your guard down every once and a while and enjoy yourself.  Go out with a couple of guys, have some fun.”  She grins before wiggling her eyebrows.  “Experiment.  Play the field a bit.”  Then her look turns naughty.  “Find someone with a really great tongue.”

I give her a little whack in the arm because there’s no way in hell that’s about to happen.  And when Cole’s face pops up in my mind, I actually want to groan.  No, no, no, no, no.  We are so not going to go there.

Other than the whole tongue comment, maybe Brooklyn has a point about letting my guard down but that doesn’t make it any easier to do.  Sometimes it still feels like I’m trying to find my way back in the dark.  I have so much to prove this year.  To myself.  To my family.  I almost cringe even thinking about them.  Their disappointment last year had been nothing short of palpable.

“Okay,” I finally agree because one) maybe I do need to loosen up just a tiny bit and two) I just want to end this conversation as quickly as possible.  And agreeing with Brooklyn is the easiest way to accomplish that.  “Maybe you’re right.”

She beams just like I knew she would.  I watch out of the corner of my eye as a guy passing by us almost stumbles all the while gawking at her.  My mouth quirks up with amusement.  Yep, that’s totally the effect she has on the male species.  “Good, because a lot of the guys on the hockey team live off campus and there’s a party next weekend.  You can start by loosening up there.”

Aw crap.

My shoulders instantly fall at that bit of news.  “You can’t just go with Austin?”  If we go to a hockey party, Cole will probably end up being there and I’m not ready to see him again.

“Cassidy…” she says in a warning tone that tells me not to bother arguing with her.

“I’ll- I’ll think about it, okay?”  That is seriously the best she’s going to get from me right now.  Everything that transpired last night is way too fresh in my mind for me to even consider hanging out with Cole anytime soon.

Chapter Ten

It’s not quite seven in the morning as I run through the still sleeping streets of Oakton, the small town Western University calls home.  The sun is just beginning to peek over the horizon, washing everything in a soft pink glow.  The air is crisp, the leaves overhead vibrant in their orange, red, and yellow colors.

After the Timber Wolves hockey game last week, I’d made the decision to slowly start incorporating exercise back into my routine again.  In high school, I’d spent a ton of time working out. But after failing out last year, that had fallen by the wayside too.  So now I’m trying to run three times a week.  Okay, maybe it’s actually more of a jogging/speed walking type of thing but still… I’m out there doing it.

I’m pretty sure that has to count for something.

Not working out six days a week for the the last nine months has definitely taken a toll on my waistline.  I used to have muscles and be tone all over.  Not so much anymore.  I’m a lot softer than I once was.  A nice side benefit to working out is that it helps clear my head.  Because I had spent so much of my high school years exercising, doing this actually feels like a little piece of normal clicking back into place. Today I haven’t stopped to walk one single time and I’m already twenty-five minutes into my run.  Pushing myself just a bit more, I turn down Elm Street, doing my usual loop.

Just as I’m rounding the corner, I see another jogger.  He has a long legged stride that quickly eats up the sidewalk between us.  I veer to the right so we can pass one another.  When he’s about thirty feet from me, my belly hollows realizing that it’s Cole looking more delicious than any sweaty guy has a right to look.  I, on the other hand, know my face is beet red as if I might stroke out at any given moment.  When he realizes it’s me, he slows his pace before stopping completely about five feet away.  I have no choice but to do the same.  Nerves suddenly scamper across my exposed flesh.

His smile is tentative as his eyes drift slowly over me.  “Hi.”  He doesn’t even sound winded.

“HI.” I’m laboring as I try to catch my breath. Even though my heart is racing, I doubt it’s from the physical exertion.  Cole just has that kind of effect on me.

I half expect him to jokingly throw out some stalker comment, but he doesn’t.  Guess we’ve moved on from that.  Which should make me happy… instead it leaves me feeling oddly… sad.  Like I can’t even have a normal relationship with someone because I’m too screwed up.