Stay (21 page)

By the time practice is over, I’m a sweaty exhausted mess.  And I pretty much look it.  I huff and puff my way off the ice hoping that I’ll be tired enough to fall right into bed and sleep without letting Cole invade anymore of my thoughts.

Feeling my stomach twist just looking at Sammy’s car, I slide back into the passenger seat all the while trying to mentally prepare myself for the roller coaster that is Sammy’s driving.  A moment later we’re hurtling our way back towards campus.  Maybe it’s the exhaustion or the fact that I keep my eyes squeezed tightly shut, but her driving doesn’t bother me as much as the ride to the rink.

Breaking into my thoughts, she asks, “So, did you want me to drop you off at Cole’s house?”

My eyes fly open before my head snaps around.  “What?”  God no...  Instantly I think about the text message I sent and his brief impersonal response.

No, I am definitely not going to just show up like some kind of pathetic loser.

One side of her mouth hitches up as she thankfully focuses her attention back on the road.  “You guys are seeing each other, aren’t you?”

“Ummm.”  Exactly how am I supposed to answer that question?  For starters… isn’t
she
seeing Cole?  I mean, I saw them sitting together in class and it was pretty obvious from their interaction on Saturday morning that they’re familiar with one another.  I just assumed that Cole had moved on… to her.  Finally, I murmur, “I’m not really sure.”

Sammy’s deep brown gaze quickly meets mine before she turns back to the road.  Her speed slows to about ten miles above the limit.   No longer do I feel like I’m careening towards my death in hyperspace.  She smirks.  “He likes you.”

I don’t want to ask… I don’t want to… but I have to know.  God, I am so pathetic.

“So… um, how do you know Cole?”  I worry my lower lip with my teeth waiting for her answer.

Her soft chuckle only makes me feel like an even bigger idiot.  Which I really don’t need.  “He’s my cousin.”

My head whips towards her for a second time as I repeat stupidly, “
Your cousin?
”  I so did not see that one coming.

Again she laughs as if completely delighted by my response.  “Yeah, we’re just cousins.  Our moms are sisters.” 

“Oh.”  There are so many thoughts crashing around in my head right now that I remain silent trying to sort through them all.

“You thought we were something more, huh?”  She asks this slyly as if she doesn’t damn well know exactly what I’d been thinking.  The smile curving her lips upward tells me all I need to know.  And now she’s going to rub it in… fantastic.

“No, I didn’t.”  Of course I had thought they were something more.  They look ridiculously cute together...

She snorts before raising a brow.  “Are you sure?”  Her voice is still brimming with undisguised humor.  She’s practically chortling.  It’s really not a good look on her.

“Okay,” I finally reply with irritation as I jerk my shoulders, “so maybe I thought you two had something going on.”

“You could have just asked him.”  Her eyes dart to mine and this time I don’t think about the road in front of us.  “Or me.” 

Shaking my head, I focus on the darkness outside the car flying past us.  “I guess I should have.”  But asking Cole would have made me look like I was, well, jealous… or that I actually cared about him seeing other girls.  Crap, I really am in trouble.  

“So, I’m making an executive decision and dropping you off at Cole’s. It seems like you two have some serious shit to hash out.”

What!

Frantically I shake my head.  “No, that’s not a good idea, Sammy.”  In fact, it’s a terrible idea.  Even if Cole isn’t seeing her, he’s been distancing himself from me.  I am absolutely not showing up on his doorstep like some pathetic loser.

Oh God, what if he has another girl over?

Just because he isn’t seeing Sammy doesn’t mean there isn’t someone else he’s spending his nights with.  “Please,” I finally beg quietly, “don’t.  Just take me back to the dorms.”

“Well,” she says as she takes the curve onto his street way too fast.  I clutch at the handle as she continues, “I think it’s a freaking fantastic idea.”

“Sammy,” I shake my head suddenly feeling desperateness claw at my insides, “I don’t even know if he wants to see me.” My chest is already tightening up.

“He does.” She says the words simply without elaborating any further.

Feeling defeated because I know damn well there’s no swaying her at this point, I brace myself for the inevitable, scrambling to think of a reasonable explanation as to why I’m appearing at his front door at nine o’clock at night.  As his house comes into view, she shoots into the driveway before breaking abruptly.  Thank goodness I’m still strapped in or my head would have crashed right through the windshield.

Then again, maybe that would have been preferable to the humiliation she’s all but forcing on me.

“You drive like total shit,” I whisper as my heartbeat hitches.

With the car idling, she pulls out her phone before quickly tapping the screen.  A moment later, her phone pings in response and then Cole is jogging down the front steps towards the car.

Eyes wide, I track his movements before whispering to Sammy, “I don’t know you very well but I will literally kick your ass for this.”

Apparently my threat isn’t all that effective because she starts laughing.

Again.

Her eyes slide to mine before she admits, “Yeah, well, out on the ice, I think you could do it.  But right here, right now- probably not.  I’ve got a good twenty pounds on you.”

“But I have anger on my side.”  Mumbling the words, I already feel my face flame as Cole’s eyes settle on mine in the darkness.  I may have grown up playing hockey and I’ve even thrown a punch or two, but an out and out brawl- nope.  I’m not really a fighter.  So she’s probably right, damn her, she would totally kick my ass in a fight.

Sammy beams a bright smile as Cole rounds the car to my side.  He pulls open the door and we stare quietly at one another before he murmurs softly, “Hi.”

“Hi,” I say in return still feeling ridiculously uncomfortable.  Maybe I can get Cole to drop me off at the dorms as soon as Sammy takes off.  Actually, what I’d really like is for the ground to open up and swallow me whole right now.

“Hi Cole, just ignore me over here.”  Sammy waves from her seat next to me.

Jerking his eyes from mine, they settle on his cousin before his lips curve up into a smile.  “Hey, Sammy.  Thanks.”

She grins back at him.  “No problem.  See you on Sunday for dinner.”

“Yep.”  And that’s all he says.  Sammy pops open the trunk and Cole quickly unloads my bag before slamming it shut again. 

“You’re welcome,” she whispers as I continue to sit frozen in place.

“I haven’t thanked you for anything,” I mutter furiously.

“You will.”  Then she winks before unclasping my seatbelt.  “Now get the hell out of here.  I’ve got places to go and people to see.”

Sending one last glower in her direction, I slip from the car and watch silently as she backs out, pulling away with a roar of her engine.  I’m left standing next to Cole in the darkened driveway.

“You want to come inside for a bit?”

Feeling stupid for just showing up like this, I force my lips into a smile.  At least I hope it looks like one.  “Sure.”  Ten minutes tops… and then I’ll call a taxi if I have to.  Cole leaves my bag out on the porch before taking me in through the front door.  Stopping in the kitchen, he hands me a bottle of water before I follow him silently up to his room.

Once there, Cole sits down on the arm chair which is situated in the corner of his room as I gingerly sit on the edge of his bed.  For just a moment we stare at one another before I jerk my gaze from his.  Yeah, I’m definitely going to kick Sammy’s ass when I get her out on the ice.  This is terrible.  After a moment or two, I shoot to my feet, unable to bear the awkward tension that has fallen over us.

“This was a really bad idea on Sammy’s part, could you please just drive me to the dorms now?” 

He stands too, his brows sliding together in confusion before he closes the short distance separating us.  “Do you really want me to take you home, Cassidy?”  He pauses, his serious gaze searching mine.  “Because I don’t want you to leave.”

My lungs feel as if they are being squeezed by a vise as I stare at him.  Finally I shake my head feeling completely out of my element.  Being here feels… wrong… or right… I just don’t know anymore.  I don’t know what I’m feeling.  There are too many emotions churning within me to even try separating them.

Very slowly, almost as if he’s giving me a chance to pull away, he draws me into the warm circle of his arms.  And because I’m weak and I really do like him, I give in before laying my head against the hard muscles of his chest.  His heart thumps a steady beat beneath my ear as he presses a gentle kiss on the top of my head.

“I don’t want you to go,” he murmurs against my hair.

I squeeze my eyes shut finally admitting the truth. “I don’t want to go.”

His arms tighten around me.  “I’ve missed you these past few days.”

I can’t stop myself from asking the one question that has been burning a hole in my brain.  “Have you been avoiding me?”  Even as I hesitantly ask the question, I know what the answer will be.  But I want to hear the words fall from his lips.

For a long moment he says nothing but in that silence is the answer to my question.  Finally he sighs, “It just seemed like maybe you needed some time to sort things out.  I was just trying to give you some space.”

I guess the funny thing is, after the appointment with Dr. Thompson and then the visit home, maybe I had needed some time to straighten things out in my head.  To sort out my feelings for him.  And somehow, without me saying the words out loud, Cole had sensed it as well.

Knocking me out of my thoughts, he asks, “Do you still need more time?”  Again he kisses the top of my head.  “Because I’ll give it to you.  I promised that I wouldn’t push you and I won’t.”

I think about how much I missed him.  More than I had thought possible.  Slowly I shake my head.  “No,” I lean up on the tips of my toes until I’m able to reach his mouth.  “I don’t need any more time.  I want to be with you.”  And once the words are out of my mouth, I know they are the truth.  I want to be with Cole.  I’ve been miserable without him.  Lonely in a way I hadn’t realized I was.

The corners of his lips tip up against mine.  “Good because I want to be with you, too.”  His mouth slowly opens over mine and before he’s able to make a move, I make one first.  There’s a surprised noise that rumbles from deep within his throat as his arms band around me again.  My heart speeds up as I continue sliding my mouth over his.  We kiss for a few lazy moments before I pull back to lick and nip at his mouth.  And he lets me do it.  He lets me be the aggressor.  Which feels… oddly empowering.

I’m the one in control of what we’re doing.

I’m the one deciding how this will unfold and play out.

Instead of being scared or nervous, it feels good.  It feels right.

“Cassidy,” he whispers harshly against my lips, “you have no idea just how much I want you.”  The low rumble of his words arrow straight to my core.

And suddenly I feel very powerful.

“Stay with me tonight.” Instead of answering, I take his lips, my tongue playing havoc with his as he makes that deep guttural noise within his throat again.  “Even if we do nothing more than this, I just want to hold you in my arms.”

My heart thaws at his words.  Melting from the deep freeze that has encapsulated it for almost a year.

Cole isn’t like the guys I knew before. He isn’t going to hurt me.  Not deliberately.  If anything, I’ll be the one hurting him.  I’ll be the one trying to escape our intimacy when it becomes more than I can deal with.

It’s messed up.
I’m
messed up.  Deep down I know I don’t deserve Cole Mathews.  But God do I want him.  I want to hold onto him for as long as I can.  I want him to somehow heal the broken pieces within me.

Is that even possible?

With my lips still pressed against his, I whisper into his mouth, “I want to stay.  I want…” my husky words falter and even though I’m scared, I still push them out, “I want you.”

Breaking our kiss, he pulls back, searching my eyes.  “Are you sure, Cassidy?  We don’t have to sleep together.”  Then he clarifies even though I know exactly what he means.  “We don’t have to have sex.  I can wait. 
We
can wait until you’re ready.”  Leaning down, he brushes a lingering kiss across my lips before murmuring against them.  “This is more than just sex between us… you know that, right?”

Yeah… I do.

I think I always knew it.

But hearing him actually say the words out loud melts the last of the ice within me.  His words sweep away all the doubts that have been fluttering around the sharp edges of my mind.

Pausing, he says quietly, “At some point you’ll have to tell me what happened.”

My body tenses as his words wash over me.  Thin tendrils of anxiety thread their way through me, making my chest feel tight and just a bit achy.