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There are a hundred different ways I could answer that question.

But…

“I’m sorry, I just… can’t right now.”  Looking down at our entwined fingers, Dr. Thompson’s words roll unwantedly through my head.  And my dad’s words unwittingly echo them.

Maybe they’re both right.

Maybe in order to save myself, I need to pull back from this.  From Cole.  I need to show my family that I’m serious about getting my life back on track.  And this year, this semester really, is my one chance to prove that what happened last year was a fluke.  A series of poorly made decisions that had been strung together into a giant cluster fuck that I will regret for the rest of my life.

As my eyes slowly slide to Cole, my heart clenches because I know it won’t be the only thing I end up regretting.     

Chapter Fifteen

“So what’s up with your Hockey Hottie?”  Ever willing to butt her obnoxious nose where it doesn’t belong, Brooklyn swipes some bright red lipstick on before shoving her pointer finger into her mouth and dragging it slowly back out again.

Instantly forgetting her question, my brows slide together as I watch her.  “Ah… maybe you’d like to be alone right now?”  Truth be told, I’m feeling kind of embarrassed for both of us.  Okay, mostly for me.

Rolling her large green eyes, she gives me a-
you’re completely clueless
look.  Clearly it’s a look I know well.  So I’m not totally offended by it.  “That’s how you remove excess lipstick from the inside of your lips so it doesn’t end up all over your teeth.”  She bares her sparkling white teeth in the mirror just to make sure everything passes inspection.

“Huh.”  Impressed with that little bit of beauty know how, I tilt my head to the side.  “Neat trick.”

She winks before brushing out her thick blonde mane.  Usually Brooklyn leaves her hair all loose so that it flows freely down her back because guys go absolutely crazy for her long glossy strands.  They adore it in a way that makes them want to drape it over unmentionable parts of their bodies (Brooklyn’s words, not mine).  But tonight she’s twisting it up into a top knot instead.

Unwilling to be derailed from her apparent fact finding mission, she accuses, “Don’t try changing the subject. What’s up with you two?  I want details.  And lots of them.”

My gaze skitters away from her intent one as I shrug with a forced casualness I’m not quite feeling.  I don’t want to discuss Cole.  Especially with Brooklyn.  She and Austin are still going strong which is a totally unexpected surprise.  After my last therapy session, not to mention the disastrous trip home, I’ve decided that taking a step back from Cole is exactly what I need to do right now.  The dread of making yet another mistake is almost paralyzing. 

Wanting to play off her question, I say, “Nothing’s up.”

“Yeah” she replies with exaggerated exasperation (also throw in an eye roll to drive home her point), “that’s kind of what I was wondering about.  I thought you two were getting serious.” 

It’s not really a question but I guess it is because it requires an explanation.  And if I know Brooklyn, which let’s face it, I kind of do, she won’t let it go until she’s been fully briefed.  Sighing, I decide to go with something that loosely resembles the truth.  “I just need a little breathing room right now.”

Her skeptical eyes arrow straight to mine in the mirror.  I get the feeling that she’s sifting through them for the truth.  But that’s as close to it as she’s going to get.  “Is Cole aware of that?”

“I’m not sure.  Look, we’re not formal or anything.  We just hang out once in a while.  We’re friends.” 
Lie…  Big huge lie
.  Cole doesn’t want to be
just friends
.  Not that I’ve spoken to him about it.  Instead I’ve taken the cowards way out and have silently distanced myself from him.  Totally shitty, I know.

Looking impatient, she whips around until we’re facing each other.  “I think he really likes you, Cassidy,” she pauses as if unsure what to say… or perhaps just how much to say. “And you’re kind of jerking him around.”  She purses her lips as if she’s unhappy with my behavior.  Which makes me feel even worse than I already do.

Closing my eyes, I shake my head.  It was never my intention to string Cole along.  Even though I like him, I still can’t bring myself to be completely honest with him about my past.  And at this point, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to confess the truth.  It’s just too hard. Too scary.

My own family loved me, supposedly unconditionally, and they turned their backs on me.  I guess it feels easier to push him away now rather than make yet another mistake or have him walk away from me when I’m even more attached.

He may not realize it, but it’s much better this way.

“That was never my intention,” I say quietly.

Her lips flatten.  “Well, you need to think about what you’re doing because Cole is a really great guy.  And you’re going to end up losing him if you keep this bullshit up.”

Brooklyn’s not telling me anything that I don’t already know.  He’s the only decent guy I’ve ever known.  Let alone been with.  And maybe that should be enough of a reason for me to take a leap of faith, but I’m too afraid to do that.   

“Do you realize just how many girls are crushing on him?”  She rolls her eyes again.  “Then throw in all the freaking hockey whores...”  She wrinkles her nose before spitting out the next words.  “I swear, if I catch one more skank flirting with Austin, someone is getting bitch slapped right into next week.”  Her hard eyes cut to mine.  “If you’re smart, you’ll get in there and stake a claim because, trust me, someone else will be more than happy to do it.”

Feeling helpless, I shake my head.  I just can’t do that right now.  He isn’t mine to claim.  I have no rights to him.  In the end, I’ve decided that it’s best to let him go.  He deserves a girl who has her shit together and that’s not me.

Abruptly changing the subject, she asks instead, “So, are you coming with us tonight or what?”  I already know she’ll be hanging out with Austin.  Which potentially means Cole.  There is no way I can remain strong when I’m around him.  He’s way too good at breaking down my defenses.

Tearing my gaze away from hers, I say, “Can’t. I’m just going to stick around here tonight and finish up some homework.”

Brooklyn stares at me for a long hard moment. “It’s Friday night and once again you’re playing the lame card.”  She doesn’t bother rolling her eyes even though she probably wants to.

“Yep.”  I smile in return, thankful that she’s accepting my excuse without the pair of us having to battle it out.

“Fine.  Don’t bother waiting up for me. I’ll probably crash at Austin’s tonight.”

“I figured,” I reply with a small smile.

A few minutes later Brooklyn is gone leaving behind a cloud of perfume in her wake. It’s not like I was making empty excuses just to avoid running into Cole.  I really do have a ton of reading to plow my way through, two homework assignments, and an econ paper to outline.  Now, could I have started it all tomorrow and still gotten it done with enough time to spare?

Yeah, probably…

But still.

If I’m having any regrets about pulling away from Cole, I try not to dwell on them.  Instead I bury myself in my work.  Two hours later, I’m just starting to outline the econ paper when my phone chimes with an incoming text.

Cole- Ran into Brooklyn, she says u r staying in 2nite?

I pause not really sure if I want to answer his text.  I’m not sure if I want to get sucked into a conversation with him.  Even though he said we could take our relationship slow, there’s this connection between us. I want nothing more than to be close to him and yet… I’m afraid of becoming too wrapped up in him.  Because being with Cole is easy.  Way too easy.  I’m afraid of what will happen when I’m finally honest with him.

It was actually the trip home that had me reconsidering my decision to continue seeing Cole. Because my dad had unknowingly echoed the same concerns Dr. Thompson had voiced.  And I can’t help but wonder if somehow they’re both right.  Maybe I really do need to focus on getting my life straightened out before I become involved with someone else.  At this point, I’m still finding my way.  Even though everything is going well for me right now, that doesn’t mean it can’t turn to shit at the drop of a hat.

Setting the phone down carefully on the side of my desk, I once again focus my attention on my econ outline.  But I just can’t seem to pick up the threads of my previous thoughts.  Feeling frustrated because I know Cole is the reason for my sudden inability to concentrate, I snap up the phone before rereading his text and stabbing in a quick reply.   

Me- Lots of hmwrk
 
Not a lie… just not necessarily the truth either.

His response pops up almost instantly.

Cole- Can I come up?

My eyes widen. 
Come up?

Because that means Cole is already here.

At the dorm.

Gripping the thin phone in my hand, I squeeze my eyes tightly shut trying to decide what to do.  Something within me leaps with joy because I’m dying to see him.  But I also know that seeing him will only get me into trouble.  Because the more time we spend together, the more difficult it is to keep my barriers up.  And what I’ve learned about Cole is that he’s very clever about breaking them down.

The phone chimes again. 
Cole- Cassidy?  R U there?

Giving in, I type a quick response.
 
Me- Yes.  Come up

Cole- Ok.  C U in a few

Pacing anxiously, I worry my bottom lip with my teeth before straightening my hair and throwing on some lip gloss.

Deep breath in… slowly exhale out.

Deep breath in… slowly exhale out.

And then he’s knocking on the door and I’m opening it.  Loud music pours in from the brightly lit hallway.  People are laughing, shouting back and forth to one another.  Even though it’s against dorm rules, a few guys swig beer from cans as they toss a football back and forth from one end of the hall to the other.

“Hi.”  His eyes hold mine and once again I’m struck by just how good looking he is. Those dimples are seriously going to be the death of me.  And my fingers almost itch to plow their way through his shaggy dark hair.  I have to shove my hands into the front pockets of my jeans just so I won’t reach out and stroke him.  Because that’s exactly what I want to do.  Letting him up here already feels like a huge mistake.

Nervously I return his smile.  “Hi.”

For just a moment he glances around the room as if taking everything in before his eyes arrow right back to mine.  His gaze is always so direct and forthright.  Like he sees everything… and I don’t want him seeing everything.  There’s way too much I’m trying to hide.  Cole has already proven himself to be astute, always watching.  Always anticipating my needs.  He knows exactly when to push and when to back off.

And then he’s eating up the distance between us, until he’s standing right before me.  So close that I have to crane my neck to look into those beautiful golden brown eyes of his.  So close that I can reach out and slide my fingers across the sexy shadow that’s gracing both chin and cheek.  The urge to touch him surges through me again.  Suddenly all the memories of us snuggled up and kissing in his bed careen their way through my brain.  Sharp shafts of desire slice painfully through me.

“I’m going to kiss you now, Cassidy.” Even as he thickly murmurs the words, he’s already on the verge of capturing my lips.  And just like that, my arms are entwining their way around his neck before pulling him closer, needing to feel more of him.  “I’ve missed you,” he whispers against my lips before delving in for more.

Oh God, I’ve missed him too.

Way, way too much.

“You’ve been MIA,” he adds throatily, his lips still searing me with their heat.

“I know,” I answer softly, “it’s been really busy.”  But it’s more than that and I somehow wonder if he realizes it as well. My guess is that he does.

It’s almost been a full week since we made that silently awkward drive back to the dorms.  And we haven’t seen very much of each other since then.  He’s wanted to spend time together, but I kept telling him that I was too busy.

But the truth of the matter is that I needed some space.

Space and time to work through all the shit in my head.  Honestly, I didn’t know what he would do- maybe get irritated or fed up… but surprisingly he just backed off, silently giving me the time I needed even though I was too chicken shit to come out and say the words.  He didn’t badger or hound me, because if he had, it would have been so much easier to get annoyed and cut things off.

And when he’s in my arms like this… or maybe it’s when I’m in his arms, all the hesitations that keep screaming their way through my head quiet down until I can’t even hear them. When I’m with him, there’s a strange contentment that washes over me.

Finally he asks, “Do you still have work to do or are you finished for the night?”

My eyes dart away.  I really should keep working.  I really should…

“No,” I say softly, “I’m done.”

Without warning, he leans over, his lips lining up perfectly against mine before his tongue delves into my mouth.  Unable to help myself, I instantly melt against him as his lips stroke mine.  And then I do what I’ve been dying to since he first walked through my door tonight- I run my fingers slowly through his hair.  A low growl rumbles against my lips making me want him even more.