Authors: M. Dauphin H. Q. Frost
"Well, thank you," I said as he wheeled me into the elevator and the doors shut.
I put my hand on his arm and before pushing the button; he leaned down and placed a soft kiss on my shoulder.
"I'd do anything for you, Ry. I love you," he said, then leaned over me to push the button.
It was weird, but when Liam got close to me, I didn't freak out. I didn't fear his strong hands pushing me down, I didn't fear the pain that I got from Carl. I was still jittery and others I didn't know still made me flinch... but with my loved ones, it was different. My mom, my dad, Able, Liam... their touches were soothing. Helping me slowly get over the hell that I lived in that last week.
Once we got in the car, he pulled out of the parking spot and we headed for my apartment.
"Ry, have you told your parents yet about moving up North?" His hand gripped onto mine like I was going to run now that I was out of the hospital bed.
"I haven't. I guess I thought it was just implied, common knowledge. I should probably have a talk with them...." I trailed off, not liking the thought of taking their only grandchild away from them.
"How about we get back to your apartment, you tell me what needs packed up and me and some old buddies can get your apartment settled while you go over and sit down with your parents?" We were sitting at a red light, one of his hands tapping on the steering wheel, the other holding onto mine as a lifeline.
I wasn't sure how I felt about other guys that I grew up with going through my personal stuff, but I also wasn't sure I felt like packing everything that day. I didn't have much energy and was moving really slow.
"I'd like that. Just promise me you pack my drawers."
"Baby, there will be no other hands on your panties than mine.... For the rest of your life." He laughed as the light turned to green.
We arrived to my apartment and I showed him what needed to be boxed up. When we moved into my bedroom, I stopped at the door, Liam right behind me, hand on my hip gently.
"Everything in there is yours. It all comes. You don't need to go in there, Ry. Let me do this. Please." His voice trembled, like he was afraid to go in there also.
"Liam...." I turned to look at him. "You found me there; you have just as many terrible memories of that room. We do this together... then we get the hell out of here."
I opened the door and took a deep breath. Looking around, nothing looked the same. Everything was... in boxes?
"What the hell?" I whispered as I walked to the box in the middle of the room. "My bed's even gone!" I laughed as I picked up the note.
Ryley,
I couldn't take knowing this room was sitting like this and that you would have to come back here to all of these memories. I can only imagine you will be picking up and moving with Liam (plus he already told me you were going back with him when you were well enough) so voila! I packed your shit for you so you didn't have to relive anything from that night. I love you, bitch. Don't think you moving is going to keep me away. Liam's just going to have to learn to live with me.
Love you woman,
Jenny
I laughed and handed Liam the note to read. God, I loved that girl and I was going to miss her immensely.
"Huh. She-Whore did something right for once." He shook his head and I laughed throwing a pillow at him for calling my best friend names.
"Alright then, let's get out of here and get you to your parents." He walked me back to the car.
Liam dropped me off and kissed me goodbye before heading back to pack up the rest of my things. I started walking up to my parents' front porch, but stopped halfway there and looked over to Gram's house. It sat empty, cleaned out after her death. So many memories from my childhood were right there on that land, between my front door and the front door of the two boys that held my heart as a young girl.
Turning, I took my time walking across the lawn. The thought occurred to me that it could very well be the last time I did that. The last time I walked up to that house that sat sturdy all of those years, often shadowed by my parents' house, but never less of a home. Walking up to the door, I tried the handle and it opened. I pushed the door, taking a deep breath, and walked in.
Liam practically cleared the place out. Photos were gone from the walls and I found myself hoping that he kept them for his house in Wisconsin. I walked through the house, into each of the boys' bedrooms, into the kitchen. All empty. I mean, beds were there, table and couch were still there, but nothing that made that place a home remained. I walked downstairs, down to the couch that we would sit on and watch TV. It was musty down there so I didn't stay long. The last memory I had in that basement wasn't the best of ones and I absentmindedly rubbed my wrist where Gage grabbed me and broke my bracelet. I sighed heavily, praying that the tears would stay at bay. I needed to get back to my parents' before they started worrying about me, so I headed upstairs and back to the door. Something caught my eye as I was leaving, though, and I turned to see my sign, the sign I had been looking for all along that I was making the right choice, sitting on the shelf by the door. My friendship bracelet, in pieces, beads missing... but it was there. Liam probably found it when he was cleaning. I smiled widely, sending a silent 'thank you' up to Gram and let a tear escape as I shut her front door behind me for the final time.
"Mom, dad, Able. I'm here!" I hollered as I walked into my parents' house, stuffing the bracelet into my pocket.
"Moooooom!" I heard Able yell from the basement, then heard his tiny pounding footsteps running up the stairs.
"Hey, little man!" I smiled with so much joy that he was in my arms, that I was there, and that Liam was back for us.
He plowed into me, and even as much as the force hurt I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I did my best hugging him back, but my mom saw the pain register on my face and pulled him off.
"Alright, buddy. Mommy still doesn't feel so hot. Why don't we go grab some crayons and you and mommy can color?" she said as Able jumped up and down from excitement.
"Okay! Mommy, can we color monsters?!" he pleaded. Normally we didn't do monsters, not after the nightmares started around the first time Carl screamed at me in front of Able.
"I think we can swing that today, dude." I smiled as he ran off to get his supplies.
My mom helped me to the table chair and I sat down, thankful for the soft chair cushions.
"So... where's Liam?" she asked, sitting across from me. I sighed, knowing this wasn't going to be an easy conversation.
"He's at my apartment...." I trailed off.
My mom watched me as I picked at my fingernail polish, a habit I never got over. She nodded and smiled a sad smile.
"When do you leave?" she whispered, surprising me.
"Mom, I—"
"Stop, Ryley Anne. I may be old, but I'm not dense. This town has no opportunities in it for you or Able. Liam is your life, Ryley. He's your Liam. You need to go with him." She reached across the table, taking my hands in hers. "I'm not going to say it isn't going to hurt like hell when you take that boy away from us, but I guess it looks like your father and I will just have to get used to plane rides."
"So... you aren't mad at me?" I managed.
"Not at all. A parent only wants what is best for their child. You know that all too well. What you are doing is right for your family. How could I be mad at you for making the right decision?" she whispered as I saw her eyes start to glow from unshed tears.
"I love you mamma," I cried, realizing that I was really leaving.
The rest of the day we spent coloring, watching cartoons, sitting on the porch. My dad took Able out to the tire swing and pushed him around. I heard his laughter, watched him hold on tight as grandpa spun him. I had to keep telling myself I was making the right choice, that I was moving him to a better place. Every time I saw him running through the yards, swinging on the swing, I pictured the three of us so long ago doing the same thing. Able would make his own memories, and I would always have mine.
"Hey," Liam said as he sat down on the swing next to me while my dad and Able played ball in the front yard.
"Hi, how'd everything go?"
"Great, all done and loaded on a truck. It'll be at my place in a couple of days," he said, watching Able, full of giggles, running around the yard.
I wasn't certain whether he meant if I told him we were moving, or if I told him that Liam was his father. Either way, the answer was the same.
"No. I need you to be here when I tell him everything. You need to be here when he finds out," I replied honestly. I didn't want to do it alone.
"I'd like to tell him, Ry. Tonight. I'd like him to know before we leave here," he said quietly and I nodded in agreement.
After dinner, Liam and I took Able out to the pond to skip rocks. I caught Liam glance a few times towards the trees, but it never lasted more than a second or two.
"Hey, Able, remember when you asked mommy who your daddy was?"
"Yea." He stuck his tongue between his lips as he focused on throwing the rock just right to get it to skip.
"Do you remember what mommy said when you asked that?" I was trying my hardest, but I felt like it wasn't enough.
"You told me he moved away." He stopped what he was doing and looked up at me. I knelt down and put my hands on his shoulders.
"Baby... your daddy did move away. Right now, though. Right now he came back to see us," I said and I watched his face scrunch up.
"Whad'ya mean, mommy?"
I looked up to Liam, who until that moment had been a bystander in the conversation. He knelt down by us.
"Able... baby. Liam here... well Liam is your daddy."
I watched him carefully to try and read his reaction to the news. That was big news for a kid his age, no matter how smart. He looked between us, his face more scrunched than before.
"Why weren't you here, though?" he asked Liam, confused.
"Buddy, I just... I don't know. I'm here now and I'd like if I could teach you how to throw a rock and make it skip. I'd like to teach you how to ski, and fish, and swim. I'd like to help teach you all of that. I'm sorry, little man, that I wasn't here, but I'm here now," he said, tearing up while begging his little boy to let him be his dad.
"I'd like that, Liam. Mommy, does this mean I get to start calling Liam daddy now?" I saw the hope in Able's eyes when he asked and I noticed Liam wipe a tear from his face the second Able asked it.
"Of course, monkey. Of course you can call him that!" I laughed as Able threw himself into Liam's arms, plowing him over onto the dirt.
"I'm happy you are my daddy." I heard him whisper before hugging his neck tightly. Liam was smiling and laughing, letting the happy tears flow.
We broke the news to him that night that we would be moving the next day. He took it well. He was so young he didn't have too many friends to worry about leaving and he was just excited to live with Liam. Liam spend the rest of the night showing Able everything he could about the place that we grew up. Able soaked everything in, like every word Liam spoke was laced with sugar and he couldn't wait to get to them. All night the two of them spent moving around the pond, going inside Gram's house, sitting on the tire swing. All night Able was attached to Liam in one way or another, needing a constant contact. When they fell asleep on the couch that night I didn't have the heart to wake them, so I placed a blanket over them and stood to watch them sleep. The two boys that had held my heart their whole lives and they are all mine.
"Sweetheart, you need your rest. Long day tomorrow," my mom whispered from behind me. I nodded and headed to bed, falling right to sleep the minute my head hit the pillow.
Loading Ryley and Able into my truck was one of the strangest feelings of my life. That level of happiness shouldn't have been possible and I was so fucking worried something was going to take it all away that I was almost afraid to drive home. I wanted to get them there, but it was a strange feeling and I couldn't imagine all the questions that would come with showing up with my family. When I left Wisconsin I was a single asshole with a fuck buddy and I was returning with the woman of my dreams and my son.
Mrs. Reynolds cried in my arms, begging me to take care of them, while Mr. Reynolds half jokingly threatened bodily harm if anything happened to them. We drove away from the house, watching Mrs. Reynolds bawl tears while waving like a crazed woman. I glanced over at Ry and she flicked away a tear but smiled at me, a smile that genuinely looked happy. I turned back to look at Able and he was so busy stuffing his little face with graham crackers, nothing mattered.
"Those good, little dude?"
Giving me a graham cracker, slimy grin, he nodded. I reached over and opened my hand, giving Ryley the option to take it; she didn't hesitate. I lifted her hand to my lips and kissed, hearing Able giggle in the back seat. I just gave him a quick glance back, but when I realized he was giggling at us, I looked back again and grinned at him with a wink. My boy was going to end up like me, I just prayed he'd find his Ryley and she'd be as amazing as his mother was. I started the long drive by telling them about the neighborhood. I knew there was a school close by and I thought it was younger kids, but wasn't one hundred percent. There was definitely a park, we had a lake in the backyard, but it was far enough away I didn't have to worry about leaving Able alone in the fenced in yard, he couldn't get down to the lake alone if he tried.
"There's a grocery store just down the street. A mall. More shopping places I'm sure you'll like. Uh.... There's a lot to do around town." I glanced over at her and saw her yawn; Able had passed out twenty minutes prior.
"I can't wait." She gave me a smile.
Smiling at her, I told her, "Get some sleep, baby." I kissed her hand.
"I'm fine," she lied, rubbing her thumb over my knuckles.
She was passed out thirty minutes later.
Able woke first and we stopped for food and a bathroom break. My normal eleven, twelve hour drive was almost fifteen with as much as we had to stop, but I didn't mind. When we arrived, I wanted to bring them into work and introduce them to everyone, but we were all tired, not to mention I knew Ry didn't want to see anyone until all her bruising was gone.
I needed to go into work, but I wasn't just going to throw her and Able into a new home and expect them to fend for themselves. The next day when we woke, we went out to buy Ry a car. I didn't trust the car she had in Tennessee to make it all the way to Wisconsin, even though she insisted it would. And to be perfectly honest, I didn't want memories of that asshole in our new life. I knew it was her car, she paid for it, but he'd been in it, he'd driven it, I'm sure he'd even fixed something on it for her. I didn't want it around.
She kept opting for something that wasn't trustworthy; she just wasn't accepting I was paying for this vehicle. Finally after lunch, I had enough.
"Able, go on and see how fast you can climb to the top." I nodded toward the play area.
His eyes lit up and he looked at Ryley; she chuckled and nodded her permission. I watched him dart toward the other kids.
"Baby." I grabbed her hand and shifted so I could see Able. "I'm buying you a stable vehicle that I don't have to worry about you and Able driving around all day." When I saw her open her mouth to protest, I went on. "Don't argue me, Ryley, dammit," I quietly said. "This isn't up for discussion. I'm buying you a damn car and it's not going to be older than three years old, and it's going to be from a credible dealership. I have plenty of ways you can make it up to me." I kissed her hand, thinking I shouldn't have said that last part, but it was out, and not able to take it back, I just looked on as Able raced to the top of a ladder.
She softly chuckled and kissed my cheek, laying her head on my shoulder and we watched our son play with the other kids. There wasn't much objection after that, but I think she was just tired. I kept her off her feet as much as I could, but she insisted pushing her limits. When we got home, she sat on the couch while me and Able opened the new Lego set I bought him. When Ryley fell asleep, Able and I went into his room and started unpacking the boxes I'd brought back in my truck. She slept past six and I had to wake her to eat the dinner me and Able attempted to make.
"If you don't like it, it's 'cause Able made it." I grinned at him.
"Nu-uh!" He pointed at me. "Liam burned it!" He giggled.
"I did not!" I laughed, scooping him up and planting him in his seat.
"Able, honey." Ryley smiled at him, waiting for his full attention. "That's daddy."
Able's eyes shot to me then to his plate; the gears were turning in his little head and I wasn't going to push it. I knew it'd take a bit of getting used to.
"Looks good, boys. I'm sorry I slept." She covered her yawn and I watched her get a chill.
"You feeling okay, baby?" I asked.
"Tired." She smiled. "I'm sorry."
"Me and Able got his room unpacked. You can rearrange what you don't like." I looked at her, cutting into my food.
I stared at her face and I couldn't tell what she may have been thinking, but I was getting nervous.
"Ryley?" I quietly said when she didn't respond.
She looked up with a big smile that made me chuckle.
"Why're you smiling like that?"
Her eyes went to Able then back to me. "I'm happy we're here."
"I am too." I stood and leaned over the table to give her a kiss. All Able did was giggle like he often did when we were affectionate toward each other.
Those next three days I only worked half-days, then we'd spent the rest of the afternoon exploring the city, getting them used to their surroundings. When Ryley would fall asleep, I'd get online and get as much work done that I could. Being I was back in the state Jack expected me to pull my own, and I didn't blame him. Working that much meant less time sleeping next to Ryley, though, and she seemed to be suffering from nightmares so all I wanted to do was be at her side.
The following week we sought out a few therapists, then narrowed it down to one that we could visit as a family and solo. Ryley started with the money bit, getting upset because she didn't have a job and she wasn't sure how she'd pay for it. I didn't know how I was going to get her to see she wasn't going to pay for anything and didn't have to get a job unless she wanted. I was fully prepared to take care of her while she took care of our child with the possibility of children. Though, that didn't seem to be a likely reality because she was skeptical about opening up, and I didn't blame her, but it scared me. I hated to say it, but it left me a little self-conscious that I wasn't enough for her, and I had to push that selfish thought away, she went through a tragedy and I was making it about myself. But she hadn't looked at me like she did that night I went to her apartment for dinner. I needed that look to reassure me that she wasn't just there to give Able a father.
I was able to meet with the therapist on my own and I expressed my concern that perhaps her lack of sexual drive wasn't just from the suffered tragedy, but maybe it was me. She assured me that wasn't the case and I assumed this was based off something Ryley perhaps had told her. I'd wait it out, as long as it took, but I just didn't want to make any mistakes and get hurt again by the only person ever capable of hurting me so bad.
By the third week that we'd all been together, I was back to work and Ryley was going about taking care of the house with Able on her own. Almost everything was falling into place and it felt like we'd been doing it all along. Her bruises had finally faded and the only marks left were internal.
A few nights prior, I tried to deepen a kiss and felt her go stiff. I immediately stopped and just held her, stroking her hair until I felt her calm in my arms, minutes later she was sleeping. I wasn't going to do it again; when she was ready, she'd let me know.
Jack and I sealed a huge deal at work and it was a cause for celebration. It would be the first time Ryley would meet my friends and I was worried she wasn't ready. She insisted she was, and she even suggested finding a babysitter for Able, but I didn't know anyone I trusted enough, and anyone I trusted a little would be at the dinner; Able came with us. I was the butt of many jokes and Ryley was the highlight of the night, until Able busted a move with mine and Jack's secretary's seven-year-old daughter.
Ryley had been happy since they arrived, but after that night, she seemed the happiest yet.
"That was fun." She held my hand while we headed home.
"He had a blast." I glanced back at Able passed out in the back.
"Anna's daughter is so cute. We really need to set up a playdate, Liam."
"We will." I smiled at her. "You'll like Anna; she has a sixteen-year-old daughter too."
"Potential babysitter." She smiled, wrapping both of her her arms around by bicep.
"I didn't think of that." I smiled, leaning over for a quick kiss.
She held the back of my neck, offering more than she had yet, but still not deepening it to a level I knew would make her uncomfortable. We both laughed when the car behind us honked because I didn't go through the green light.
"I love you," I told her.
"I love you too." She kissed my hand.
The only way our lives could get more perfect was if I could have erased the scars I knew she'd have for life. The therapist told me not to count on it, I could just lay foundation over them, but I wanted them gone. I was still working on it. Day by day. She would eventually only remember our happy life together.
"What are you scared of Ryley?" Jo, my therapist, asked me towards the end of my sixth session with her.
"What if things... happen? What if... what if I start to get flashbacks? What if every time I have sex all I think about is that night?" my voice trembled.
That session had been the hardest of all, but I had already been starting to feel more like myself. Jo told me that every time I felt like I was sinking back into the darkness to write it down, so that's what I had been doing. The first few days I would write pages and pages, but it got down to about a page a day. It felt like I was getting better, but the thought of being intimate scared me deeply.
"Do you think it's worthwhile to face your fears, or keep hiding from them for the rest of your life?" she asked.
Of course she would ask a question like that. I found she was more into making me think about it, rather than telling me outright how I should have been feeling. That was why I liked her, that was why I respected her, but that was also why I clammed up and couldn't answer the question.
"Ryley, tell me what you think about that night. You have given me all vague details, but tell me what you really believe happened that night." She set her pen on her paper and stared at me, waiting for my answer.
After a few minutes, I spoke up. "I was raped," I whispered, still finding it hard to speak the words out loud. "I didn't welcome it, I didn't want it, I fought almost to the death to get away... but I wasn't strong enough."
"Exactly. You fought. You didn't want it. Ryley, sex with someone you love isn't the same thing and you know that. You want it, you need it, and you crave it."
She was right, I had been craving it. Every time Liam would try to deepen our kisses I would freeze because I was so afraid. It was so easy to get carried away with him and if I went through a flashback while I was with him, I was afraid he'd not want me again.
"Ryley, Liam knows what you went through. He isn't going to push you into anything you aren't ready for, but you have to know that he loves you. He wants you, needs you. He even craves you, Ryley. Maybe you should give it a try, slowly. You will never know what will happen until you try, right?"
I nodded my head silently. She had a point, and that was why Liam was paying her the big bucks. She was the best at what she did. Helping break me out of my funk and get me back to the girl I used to be. The one that Liam fell in love with.
"Thanks, Jo. I can't promise anything, but I'll try," I said, hearing the bell, telling me that our time was up.
"Great, I'm glad to see how far you are coming, Ryley. I'll see you next week," she said as she walked me out to the waiting room to call her next patient in.
Try. I could do that. I could try. I wanted to try. Hell, I wanted to make it all the way and then some. It'd been almost six years since I'd been with him and I couldn't wait to be able to explore the newness of his adult body. Every deep kiss, every touch to his arm, every time he wrapped his arms around me told me that he wasn't the boy I slept with on prom night. He was a solid man, muscles and tattoos flowing over his body like a piece of artwork. Driving home that night, I made a call to Anna, asking if they could sit with Able. She agreed happily, and then spent the next fifteen minutes helping me pick a place to take Liam out to dinner.