Authors: M. Dauphin H. Q. Frost
I looked down; at some point in that confession his hand had taken mine from my lap and moved it to my side, holding on tight. I didn't even notice the touch when it happened, and when I realized it was happening all I felt was warmth from it. It gave me hope that I would be able to work through what happened, but that hope didn't last long. Once the memories of that night came back to me, I wouldn't be able to find that hope again. All I saw was anger, fear, and hurt.
"Liam.... I don't know if this is fixable," I whispered as the damn tears started falling again. I wanted him, but he didn't know how bad I hurt. How earlier in that day all I wanted to do was disappear. "I just don't know." I didn't try moving my hand and his didn't budge either. We sat there, in silence, thinking about how our lives had come to this. "I need some time, Liam. Just.... I need to be alone."
He stood from the bed. "Yeah, baby." He leaned into my face, not giving me the space I needed. "I'll give you your time." His lips softly kissed mine. "And I'll be right here waiting, with our son, waiting to do what I will always do, take care of you, want you, love you, I'll never stop loving you, I never did, and I'll never stop wanting you. Every piece of you." He walked to the door and looked back, giving me a tired smile. "I love you, Ry," he said before he walked out.
I laid my head back slowly, closing my eyes and waiting for the darkness to take me. It was much more peaceful than being awake at that point.
"Hey," Liam says as he walks up to my porch.
I've been sitting in the swing, watching the trees blowing in the wind. There was a storm rolling in and I love the air right before a storm. Things cool off, get quiet. I love storms and I love watching them with Liam.
"Hey yourself." I smile and he sits next to me.
Tomorrow is graduation and we're both ready for it. It's been a long time since we were able to hang out like this, no pressure, no stress. I love having him back, but it all feels like it happened too late. He'll be leaving for college soon, as would half of our class, and I'll be stuck here for a few more years before heading out as well.
"So, you goin' to the party tomorrow night?" He asks, looking over at me with those beautiful eyes.
All this time away from him these last few years when he was barely around I haven't noticed just how much he's changed. I had physical proof after prom night, but I haven't gotten a real good look at him in so long. He's growing into a man, not just the scrawny boy I used to chase around the yard. Prom night showed me just what I had missed with him, but we can't have that now. Not with Gage finally coming around, not with college in two different cities. I've missed out on being his, but I'll never miss out on his friendship. He's my Liam. He will always be my Liam.
"I guess so; I think Jenny was planning on it so I'll probably go with her." I shrug, looking back out to the darkening sky.
The storm is almost here, the sky is getting darker and darker, and I can hear the thunder in the distance.
"You could come with me. It'd be...." He trails off and reaches over to help with the strand of hair that has just flown over my face. I turn to look at him, smiling. "It'd be nice," he whispers, then leans in to kiss me gently on the lips.
It's such a soft kiss I almost don't recognize it. Gage's kisses were never that soft and Liam's so gentle. He pulls back and looks at me again, worry tracing his face.
"Sorry. I just... I couldn't help myself," he mumbled, then turns back to the storm, watching it as the rain starts coming down slowly.
"You know, Liam Porter, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you liked me."
He laughs and leans down to put his elbows on his knees, shaking his head.
"You know what Ryley Reynolds; I think you are full of yourself. Can't a guy kiss a pretty girl?" he jokes, but it sounds forced, nervous.
It pisses me off that he won't just say it; say that he still liked me like that. I know what happened between Gage and I made things between us rough, but I just want to hear him say it before he leaves me. The things he said to me on prom night.... God, I'll never forget, but now that we're both sober and not undressed, I need him to say it to my face.
"I'm not full of myself!" I huff, then walk to the yard to be in the rain.
I love the beginning of summer rains the most. They always start cool, even the air cools off when the storm rolls in. It's after the rain I hate, after the storms rolled through, sometimes leaving mass devastation and the air hangs heavy and humid. No, I like the start of a storm; it's peaceful in a way.
Liam gets up and walks out to the front yard next to me.
"I didn't mean it, Ry. Don't be mad. It.... I was just joking."
I huff. "I know, but I just...." I can't tell him I just want him to tell me he loves me, but that's exactly what I want.
"Listen, I know I'm a smart-ass and it's been difficult lately, but, well, Ry, dammit," he curses and runs his fingers through his hair, water flicking off of the tips. "I don't ever want you to go a day in your life without knowing how much I love you. I've known since I was just a boy that you were the one for me. No questions asked. Always and forever, and not just because you were my first friend. You were my first love, Ry. I still love you. I just. We can't do this right now. Not to Gage and not to us. I leave soon and if you'd come with me." He grins at me, I try not to smile, but it breaks through and I roll my eyes with a shake of my head. "But I know you won't," he sighs, losing his smile that I love. "It's just not fair to the three of us."
I turn so he doesn't see the tear roll down my cheek, trying to soak in some more rain so my tears will blend in. I turn my face up to the sky and take a breath. He's right, it isn't fair to the three of us, but it doesn't mean I don't want it.
"I'm so afraid you will move on without me here, Ry." His voice is right behind me, I can feel his hands on my waist.
I turn my body, looking into his green eyes and smile. "I could never move on from you, Liam. You are the only one for me. One day you will realize that," I say, then I reach up on my toes and kiss his cheek before running towards the pond to watch the rest of the storm roll through.
"How is she?" Mrs. Reynolds softly placed her hand on my shoulder.
"Was she raped?" I pinched between my eyes, knowing that answer, but I needed confirmation as to why she was acting so distant.
"Yes," she whispered, looking to the ground and I closed my eyes. Fuck. The thought of that happening to her made me want to vomit. The woman I loved, had loved my entire life, was fucking raped because I wasn't man enough to know what I needed until it was too late.
"She says she wants to be alone."
"She doesn't mean it." Her hand rubbed my arm.
Remembering the look on Ry's face, I knew she meant it when she said she wanted to be alone, I knew that look on her face. The only thing I could hope was it wasn't permanent. I was going to give her time, but I didn't know how long. I just knew I would never give up.
"I want to see Able. I came back for her and my son and I want my son." I didn't know why I was talking to her like she was trying to keep him from me. I just felt like everything was falling more and more apart than it already was prior to me showing back up in town.
"Sure. He's with Jenny right now, but we'll go pick him up. Maybe you and Dale can go. I'd like to talk to Ryley."
I just nodded my head and shoved my hands in my pockets, not sure how I was going to get Ryley back from the dark place she'd gone to.
When we pulled up to Jenny's mom's Able was running in the yard with their dog. With my hands in my pockets and moving slowly, I followed Mr. Reynolds, afraid my boy was going to be scared of me because of what he remembered at the trailer.
"Grandpa!" he yelled when he saw him.
"Come on." He put his arms out and Able jumped into them. "How's that head, kiddo?"
"Bud's trying to eat my shoes!" He giggled and the sound was one of the best I'd ever heard.
Mr. Reynolds smirked. "Look who came with me."
His eyes locked with mine and it took a couple minutes for him to speak. "Hi, Liam."
"Hey, dude." I reached for him, but he leaned out of my grasp.
"Well go on; say hi to Liam with a hug." Mr. Reynolds tilted him toward me and it took him a minute to reach out, but he did it.
Pulling him to my chest, I exhaled and tightly wrapped my arms around his small body.
"Liam! You're mashing me," he groaned through laughter, wiggling to get away.
"Sorry." I chuckled and put him down, wiping away tears I didn't want to cry, but I couldn't help remember what it was like seeing his limp little body under a knife in Carl's arms.
"Grandpa watch." He ran off to show how the dog chased him.
"Give him some time. Have you put any thought into how you two will tell him?"
"That I'm his father? I first need to know if Ryley's okay with that and that she'll come with me."
He exhaled a sigh. "She'll go with you to the ends of the earth." Slightly shaking his head, he looked down. "I don't know why you guys played these games. It made me and Pam so angry at you. Ryley eventually told me you changed your phone number."
"I never changed my number, but I wouldn't take her calls." I leaned on the gate, not wanting to be sucked back into those last six years of the hell I put myself through for nothing.
If Able never happened I still think me and Ryley would have been brought back together at some point. I never stopped loving her, as much as I said it, as much as I said I hated her, I never did, and that's why I lived in agony. There were plenty of days I thought I was over her, but when I'd have that dream of her and I woke happy, or I'd see something that reminded me of her and it put a smile on my face, I knew that meant Ryley was permanently branded in my heart.
Wanting to get the hell out of there, I walked toward the house.
"I didn't know you were here too," Jenny said to me.
"I'd like to take Able back to the Reynolds," I told her.
"Well, I just need to clear that with his mother." She gave me a bitchy smile.
"Whatever," I exhaled.
"Jenny," Mr. Reynolds chided and picked Able up. "Thank you for keeping him. Give Jenny a hug." He leaned Able toward her.
"I'll see you tomorrow." She hugged him and as much as I hated Jenny, I could see she had been a huge part in my son's life. "Bye, Liam," she cattily said to me.
"Bye," I mumbled and walked toward the gate.
"Race ya, Liam!" He flew past me and I laughed, taking off, but he made it to the truck first.
"Wait for grandpa to put your booster in, Able." Mr. Reynolds got his booster seat in the back and I lifted him up to climb in.
"Can you buckle?"
"No," Mr. Reynolds said quickly.
"I can!" Able snapped, pushing his hands away.
"He doesn't. He says he does, but he doesn't do it and then you drive all around town and he hasn't been buckled for a minute." Mr. Reynolds was rambling and fighting Able with the buckle.
"Let me," I finally said; we would've been there for three hours if I let them continue. When Able snatched the buckle out of my hand, I paused to keep from barking at him. "Buckle." I nodded to the strap and he purposefully fumbled for a minute. "Let me try."
"I can do it!" he yelled at me.
"Able, watch your mouth. Buckle that seatbelt and let's get on the road. I want ice cream."
The mention of ice cream had him buckling quickly.
"You unbuckle that seatbelt once, I'm pulling over and letting the sheriff take you to jail. It's illegal not to buckle up."
His eyes went wide and there was fear on his face, but I didn't feel bad, it was clear he hadn't had much discipline in his life and I could imagine it was because Ryley felt guilty. There was nothing to feel guilty about anymore and the boy was going to learn respect.
Ice cream was a fiasco because he wanted to do it on his own and he was becoming a sticky mess, but I let him and I had to keep telling Mr. Reynolds to let him.
"I'm hosing you off once we get to grandpa's." I chuckled and lifted him into the truck.
"Grandpa, I want to see mommy."
"We'll see mommy tomorrow," I told him, wanting him to talk to me. It wasn't like he was avoiding me, but he didn't address me until I would talk to him first or until Mr. Reynolds reminded him I was around.
"I want to see her today." He pouted with the lip and all; I couldn't help but chuckle.
"How about I call mommy and we see how she's feeling?"
"Is she sick? Grandma said she had to get Band-Aids too." He pointed to his forehead.
"Yep, but she'll be fine. Me and you will make sure of it." I put my hand out for a slap and he just stared at it. "High five," I told him, putting it in the air, but he was still confused. "Seriously?" I chuckled, grabbing his arm and slapping myself five. "Pound it?" I put my fist out, wondering if my son knew any gestures I grew up using. "Make a fist." I curled his little hand into a fist. "Now we bump." After the walk through, he laughed and did it again.
"Pound it," he told me. With a laugh, I shook my head and got in, then glanced at Mr. Reynolds who kept to himself, probably not wanting to say much because question and disappointment was all over my face. I really hoped my son hadn't been growing up in a different time because of that Podunk town.
We fished, we played basketball, we went for a walk, and he was definitely a wild kid, but Ryley did a good job raising him. He was smart has hell.
"Where's Carl?" he asked while we ate hotdogs out by the pond.
I had to keep my back to the cluster of trees that haunted my dreams all the time and I stayed focused on Able.
"He won't be around to yell at you again," I told him, controlling the anger in my tone.
"I don't like when he yells at mommy." He was licking all the ketchup off his hotdog.
"He won't. Not anymore."
"Can we see mommy now?"
"We'll call her. Eat your hotdog." I nodded to the mess in his hands, and he took a bite.
"Hello?" she gruffly answered after the nurse patched me through.
"Hey, Ry," I said, staring at Able. "How you feeling, beautiful?"
She was silent for a minute. "I'm tired, Liam."
"I won't bother you. Able wanted to say hi."
"You're still with him?"
"I'm going to stay the night over here tonight. Unless you need me back at the hospital?"
"No, Liam, no." She sighed.
"Okay, that's cool. You want to say hi?"
"Yeah."
I watched Able's face light up when he started talking to her, and it broke my heart because he just wanted to see his mom and she was so far gone she didn't want to see any of us.
"Me and Liam are going to have a fire and smarshmallows."
"Marshmallows." I laughed at him.
His face drooped to a frown and I could hear Ryley telling him goodbye.
"I love you too, mommy." He handed me the phone again and I grimaced at the ketchup mess.
"Hello?" I chuckled; she already hung up.
I knew I could talk her into seeing us, but I wanted to give her the night. I just hoped Mrs. Reynolds was staying with her; she didn't need to be alone. Never again.
They came in to give me my meds at some point in the day. I didn't care what time it was, nor did I care to check. My mom had been in the room with me since I woke up from my nap, but she hadn't said a word. She stayed in the same chair for hours, watching me watch the wall, like the wall was going to do a fucking magic trick.
I couldn't believe it; I was so ready to get my life on the right track, to find my Liam, to get out of that town, to give Able the childhood I wanted him to have. Not a life of living in a tiny ass apartment while his mom worked at the local bar. I knew the kids made fun of him, but I tried my hardest to give him a good childhood. My parents helped out whenever they could, and Jenny was a godsend, practically forcing the bar to give us opposite shifts so she could help watch him.
The dream I had earlier that day wouldn't leave me alone. I remembered that day so well; the storm that came through ripped a twister right through the Oberle's farm. Luckily no one was hurt, but the graduation party had to be moved to a different location. I still remembered the way Liam looked at me on the porch swing, still remembered the touch of his lips. What hit me the hardest, though, were those words. He knew at eighteen years old that I would always be the one for him, but he didn't know that six years later I would be raped and abused at the hands of someone I trusted. What did that say about a person? I should have known that Carl was bad news all the other times I let him yell at me in front of Able. I should have, but I was so worried of being alone the rest of my life I let it happen. He'd slapped me around once before, too, but I let it slide because he was drunk.
Liam didn't want this problem for the rest of his life, and that's exactly what I'd become; a problem. Staring at the wall, I couldn't help but wonder what could have been. Living together in a whole new city, new world, maybe finally doing something with my life. It SUCKED what Carl took from me. He ruined everything.
I silently wiped away a tear that was rolling down my face, noticing some of the swelling on my face had started going down finally. I frowned, because even when the outside scars healed, I'd always be broken on the inside.
"Ryley?" my mom said from her chair, not looking at anything in particular, kind of like me.
"Hmm?" I answered. I didn't want to talk, my throat still hurt, but the poor woman had been sitting there all afternoon in silence.
"Can I say something? Without you interrupting?" she finally asked. I looked over at her, but she still wasn't looking at me.
My mom was always the quiet type, didn't ever spread gossip like the other ladies in town, and always liked to keep to herself. My dad was just the same, but a little more of a hardass growing up. I wasn't sure if he ever accepted the fact that my two best friends my entire life were guys, but he never said anything to prove my theory. I saw the looks he was always giving Liam when he came over, but he never stopped me from seeing them. They made his little girl happy, so he lived with it.
"Ryley?" My mom broke into my thoughts. I may have forgotten to answer her before I slipped back into my memories.
"Yea... sorry. Go ahead, all ears." I tried sounding as normal as I could, but I wasn't feeling it, and I was afraid that was my new normal. If it was, it wasn't worth it. Able needed a real mom, not a walking shell.
"I have two things I need to tell you and I need you to listen real hard." She looked up to me finally and her face looked different, aged, since the last I remembered.
I nodded, allowing her the quiet to go on.
"When I was nineteen, I was raped, Ryley. Raped by my best friend's brother. Your father and I had just started dating at the time and I was spending the night at my friend's house while your dad went out with his buddies. We had... we got into a huge fight over college and he needed to blow off steam. You know how your father gets." She paused.