Authors: M. Dauphin H. Q. Frost
I saw the unshed tears in her eyes, but I didn't say anything. I couldn't, not after that bomb she dropped on me.
"Ryley, I didn't ask for it, I never showed signs that I wanted to be with this boy, but he didn't care. It happened... and, well, I broke up with your dad the next day." She smiled and laughed to herself, a smile that I had never noticed on my mom before. "Your father was determined. Not quite as determined as that Porter boy, then again he didn't have a child to fight for as well as the woman he loves. He didn't leave my house until grandpa let him up to talk to me. He knew the minute he saw me something was wrong, but he didn't say anything, he just sat there and let me cry. Finally, I had to talk; I couldn't live with myself if I kept everything inside. Ryley... dear... I worry about what will happen to you if you keep it all in. Believe me when I tell you that feeling guilty about it... it's normal. You have always been my emotional little girl and I'm sure you are feeling like you failed everyone around you and that you aren't worth anything right now because of that... that monster. Believe me, though, when I tell you that you are dead wrong. Dead wrong, Ryley Anne." She couldn't hold the tears back anymore as she trailed off and tried calming herself.
"Mom... I never knew," I whispered. "I'm so sorry, mom." I said what felt right, even if it didn't really mean anything.
I wondered if that was why she had always been so closed off, because she felt the same despair that I did.
"Stop, Ryley. Now you know I love you and your father, and I see those wheels turning. I decided shortly after your father made a scene outside my bedroom window that life was worth living. Sitting and wallowing in self-pity wasn't helping anyone. I went to talk to someone about what happened, a specialist, and they helped me work through it. Your father was by me every step of the way, always reassuring me that I was doing the right thing. Dear, I'm not saying it was easy, but it needed to be done. The day I realized it wasn't my fault and I needed to feel no guilt was one of the best days of my life. Right up there with my wedding day... and seeing your tiny pink face the moment you were born." She sniffled again and I tried to look at the situation through my mom's eyes.
Her only daughter was sitting in front of her, bruised, and raped, wallowing in self-pity over something she had no control over; however, I didn't see that. Not yet, at least. Add to it the fact that my mother lived through close to what I had experienced, that afternoon got all kinds of messed up. All I wanted to do was be alone, but now she was there, I didn't feel like being alone anymore.
"Ryley, I told your father to leave me multiple times throughout the whole ordeal. I didn't think I was good enough for him anymore, told him to get someone not so damaged, but he never left. He stuck by me, because love knows no boundaries. It goes wherever it wants, does whatever it wants. Sweetheart... the love that flows from that Porter boy when he looks at you, it's real. It's there, baby, and it isn't going anywhere. Ever."
"His name's Liam mom," I dryly responded, finding my voice to stick up for him. He had a name.
She smiled at me, then calmly and slowly stood up and moved towards the bed. "I know. It's been so long since I've been able to say it. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, but I want you to know that this." She looked around the room, placed her hand on mine. "This all gets better."
I smiled at her, a true smile. One I hadn't done in a while. My cheeks felt stiff, my lips were chapped, but I smiled. Because I found my hope again.
"Ms. Reynolds." The nurse's head popped in through the open door. "You have a phone call. You feel like talking?"
My mom looked back at me and smiled, patting my hand with hers and waiting for me to grab the phone.
"Hello?" I probably sounded like a different person my throat was so dry still.
"Hey, Ry," Liam's voice soothed me, making me realize everything I'd been missing. "How you feeling, beautiful?"
In the background, I heard voices, laughter. He was with Able. I smiled, letting a tear slip through my closed lids, my mom reached over to wipe it off with her free hand. She knew I needed her and she wasn't leaving my side.
"I'm tired, Liam." I answered honestly. I knew it wasn't what he wanted to hear, but it was all I had at that point.
"I won't bother you. Able wanted to say hi."
My baby. My Able. God, I missed him.
"You're still with him?" I added, trying to sound like I wasn't about to bawl my eyes out.
"I'm going to stay the night over here tonight. Unless you need me back at the hospital?" He was fishing, but I wasn't ready. I needed more time. I needed my mom, and dammit if I didn't feel terrible for that, but she was my mother and I hadn't talked to her like that ever.
Ever since I became an adult I had a child of my own, so my adult conversations with my own mother never happened. I needed it, and Able needed his father.
"No, Liam, no," I sighed, feeling terrible for letting him down.
"Okay, that's cool. You want to say hi?" I heard the disappointment in his voice, but had to push it aside.
"Yeah."
"Mommy?" his tiny voice came through the phone as I tried my hardest not to cry to him. He needed his mommy to be strong, something I was going to have to learn to be again.
"Hey, baby, are you having fun with d— with Liam?" How easy it would have been to say daddy, but I couldn't. We needed to tell him, but not like that. I couldn't believe I almost slipped.
"Yea! He took me and grandpa out to get ice cream!!" he yelled.
I laughed, because if there was one thing my child loved more than anything, it was ice cream. We talked about what he did at Jenny's mom's house, apparently Liam told him he should get a dog, which put him on a dog kick, and we talked about how Liam didn't know how to buckle him into the car, as good as I did. I smiled at that, picturing Liam trying to figure out a booster seat.
"Me and Liam are going to have a fire and smarshmallows," he said proudly.
"Marshmallows." I heard Liam's laugh in the background, and the darkness that had taken residence in me started to recede, leaving in its wake a warmth I thought I'd never feel again. A happiness I was giving up on.
I needed to get off of the phone before I started sobbing because I felt like I was about to break down. The line went quiet for a moment, long enough for me to realize I needed to get off the phone before I started sobbing.
"Hey, baby, listen. Mommy loves you, you know that right?"
"Of courses mommy! I love you too!" he squealed and I smiled, loving how he still messed up words at five years old.
"I need to go take a rest now, okay, little man? But I promise you, tomorrow when you wake up, I will call you and you can come see me, okay?"
"Okay." His voice was tiny again, and I hated that I made him sad.
"I love you, turkey," I said, hoping that using one of my many names for him would cheer him up and keep him happy until I could see him tomorrow.
"I love you too, mommy."
I heard the phone shuffling but before any more voices came over the line, I hung up. I couldn't take any more. My mom sat on the side of the bed, still holding my hand, smiling down at me.
"That little boy, he's gonna be a heartbreaker, ma," I was able to make out as I cried massive tears.
"He will take after his parents then, I guess." She kept smiling at me, like she knew something I didn't know.
"You really think I can make it through this? Because... momma, I don't know how to do this." I started sobbing, and she pulled into me, wrapping her arms around me as I let out all of the anger and sadness from those last few days.
That night I slept better than I had in a long time, waking up, starting a new day, a new life, with the words from the dream that kept replaying over and over in my dreams running through my head:
Always and Forever.
My mom didn't leave me all night. They brought us both of our dinners and we talked and laughed like two old friends. It was the perfect medicine and by the time she was awake in the morning, I was finally seeing the hope in things more and more.
"You never told me what the second thing last night was, mom."
She looked up at me, surprised that I even remembered it. It was almost like she didn't want to tell me anymore, though.
"Ryley, remember when Gage... died?" she whispered the last part, like hearing it was going to break me.
"How could I forget?" I tensed, wondering what the hell it was all about.
"I found something about a week later. A ring and a note stuffed in my damn window flower box. All the note said was 'Keep this safe until he's ready. G'. I didn't tell anyone about it, even to this day no one knows. After everything... well... you know. One day I was talking to Faith and she mentioned her wedding ring missing. That was when it all clicked. Ryley, even at nineteen Gage could see how much Liam loved you. Sweetheart, the entire town saw it. I held onto the ring with hopes that one day I'd need it. Every day for the last five years I have looked at that box and held hope that it would work for the two of you. He loves you so, so much, Ryley Anne." Her voice cracked. "So much it hurts to watch sometimes."
I knew what she was saying, about it hurting. I'd been hurting for six entire years, but now he was back. He was back, spending time with his son that he had just found out about, all the while waiting for me to crawl out of the darkness and accept him the way he accepted me. Every broken piece and all. Finally, I was able to say those words that everyone was waiting to hear.
"Mom... can you call Liam? I'd like to see him. And Able."
She smiled and nodded, reaching for the phone to call her house.
She knew, she'd always known. I loved him and he loved me, it was that simple. It just took me a while to figure that out.
Waking up to a five year old jumping on your chest is the best thing in the world. I never thought I'd say that, but I'd never been happier than that morning. I was passed out on the couch after only falling asleep three hours prior; I just couldn't sleep without knowing what was going on with Ry. Able's giggles immediately put a smile on my face. When I stumbled into the kitchen, I saw it was only going on seven; kid was an early riser. I could deal with that though, we could workout together in the mornings.
"Where's grandpa?"
"Asleep!' He giggled. "Liam, look! Look, Liam!" Hopping around the kitchen, he was full of laughter that only made me laugh.
"You're a jumping bean." I hadn't gone through the Reynolds' cupboards in years, but when I was a kid, Mrs. Reynolds always told me to help myself. That was one of those moments because I needed to make my son breakfast.
While me and Able cooked, I kept fighting back the urge to call Ryley, but I'd made up my mind I couldn't wait past noon.
"Breakfast?" Mr. Reynolds yawned as he wandered into the kitchen.
"I made you breakfast, Grandpa!" Able yelled, snatching the plate off the counter which sent sausage and toast flinging across the kitchen. He froze and his mouth went agape; I immediately burst into laughter. I probably shouldn't have, but it was funny to watch the food sail across the room. At least he was aware of what he did was wrong.
"I guess Grandpa's eatin' on the floor this mornin'."
Able burst into a fit of giggles, clearly not cleaning his mess, but for the most part he was a pretty big help with making the food so I didn't push it.
After breakfast, we went for a jog, more like a wide-step walk for me, but Able tried.
"I'm breathing too much," he panted, hunching over.
I chuckled and threw him onto my shoulders, jogging back to the Reynolds'. I taught him how to make a daisy chain for Ryley and we made a couple. We picked more wild flowers and made a bouquet to take her. We made her get-well-soon-because-we-need-you cards. Time seemed to be moving painfully slow.
"Let's visit my old house," I told him, walking toward Gram's.
The kid had more questions than I thought possible, but it was the coolest experience ever. After two hours of talking about Gage and Gram, I was ready to go see Ryley.
"Liam! Able!" Mr. Reynolds called out the window. "Ryley's ready for some visitors!"
Thank GOD.
"We can go see mommy?!" Able shouted.
"Let's go, dude." I scooped him up, running to my truck with him under my arm like a football. "You comin', Mr. Reynolds?"
"Let me just close up the house."
While walking through the hospital doors, I was suddenly nervous. How did she have the ability to do that to me? I was nervous with excitement to see her, I hadn't felt that way in so long; I just hoped she'd let me in and would talk to me.
"Come on, Liam." Able waved to me when I stopped at the end of the hall.
I wanted to see her, but I wanted it to be alone. I didn't want to go in there and her to feel overwhelmed. I hadn't been around those last six years like her family had and I wanted to give them time with her. I was going in there, but when we could be alone and I could try to convince her we could be together.
"I'll be right there. Tell mom I'll be there in a few minutes. Give her the crown you made." I pointed to his hand.
"And flowers." He shook them and I laughed when a few petals floated to the ground. He grabbed Mr. Reynolds' hand, who nodded at me.
I pulled the ring from my pocket and stared at it, suddenly feeling that ring wasn't good enough. I didn't know how I was going to propose, but it wasn't going to be at the hospital, and if she let me stay around I'd have time to find a ring, not just settle. The proposal had to be something that put her into the happiest tears she ever cried. And possibly have the ability to erase everything bad that ever happened to her; at least for our five minutes of bliss.
Fifteen minutes later, when I saw Mrs. Reynolds heading down the hall, I stood, tightly gripping the daisy chain I made Ryley, crushing it.
"Go on in, Liam, she'd really like to see you. Dale's on his way out."
I just nodded and headed down the hall like I was told. Mr. Reynolds stepped into the hall just as I reached the door, and when I look inside, I saw Able laying in her arms while they hugged. It looked like he may have been crying and I imagined it was from seeing her like that, but she looked eighty five percent better than she did the day before.
Mr. Reynolds patted me on the shoulder. "Come on, Able," he called to him.
I really didn't want to kick him out and if Ryley wanted him to stay, I was fine with it, but when she looked toward her dad, her eyes caught mine and it looked like she had something to say to me. I was terrified because I couldn't read if it was good or bad.
"You come right back in to see me. Go on and find mommy some Coke."
I put my fist out for a fist bump and he didn't hesitate to deliver. I heard Ryley chuckle and the sound made me grin. When I looked up at her, she had a small smile on her face and her eyes were much brighter than they had been the day before.
"Hey." I slowly approached her and looked at the smashed crown in my hand. "Sorry." I chuckled, carefully putting it in her hair. "It got smashed."
She was just smiling at me, not saying anything.
"Able's was a little small, but he's damn smart, Ry. He caught on right away."
"He is really smart." She nodded. "Thank you."
Sitting on the bed, she scooted away a little, but it wasn't to get away from me, which I could tell; she was just giving me room.
"How're you feeling today?" I pushed her hair behind her ear, swiping my fingers across her cheek, just wanting some sort of contact with her.
She smiled at me and my heart skipped a beat. She wouldn't have smiled at me like that if she was telling me to leave, right?
"It was nice of you to stay with him last night, he seems to have really taken to you," she said quietly, avoiding answering my question.
"He's awesome." I looked away, not wanting to think about the time I'd lost with him. "I need this every day, Ry. I need you guys every day."
"Do you know what you're saying, Liam? A kid isn't just a fun thing you get to hang out with and play with all the time. A kid is work. Yeah, Able is cute and happy most of the time, but he can also be a little shit. It's stressful. Are you ready for that?" Her smile had faded, but her eyes never left me.
"I'm not a kid anymore, Ry. I understand the magnitude of having a child. I'm not asking you if I can adopt your son, I'm asking you to let me be a part of my son's life. A part of your life. Me being in your life. What do you expect me to do? Walk away and tell you 'fuck it, you're on your own'? I wouldn't have done that five years ago either, Ry. You know damn well I wouldn't have."
"I know," she whispered, then her hand finally took ahold of mine and that touch told me she wanted me there.
It was what I needed, I needed to know she wanted me, even if an hour later she had enough of me, I knew there was hope for a future.
"You know... I talked to my mom while you were gone," she said, waiting for me to ask for her to elaborate.
I didn't know if I wanted to know, though. Luckily she went on before I had to form real words.
"She went through something very similar.... She had some great things to say about therapy. It helped her, maybe it could help me?"
"Yes, baby." I grabbed her hand a little tighter, getting a little more antsy and excited. Getting closer to her telling me we could get through it was making my heart race. "We're going to get you all the help you need and every day, Ry. Every fucking day I'll be here with you, anything you need from me, you know I'm going to give it to you. And think about Able, our son needs you as much as I do. We're going to get you the best help, wherever you want and from whoever you want. We're going to get through this together." I kissed her eyebrow softly, still just waiting for her to agree with me. I needed it to be said before I would feel any sense of relief.
I watched a silent tear streak down her cheek and ran my thumb along her lip where it landed.
"I'm so broken, Liam. I just.... I don't want it to be this way, you know," she whispered through the tears.
"You're not broken to me, Ryley." I took her face in my hands, waiting for her to look me in the eyes. "Remember how many times you, or me, or your mom fixed our friendship bracelet? Remember how many times we added a new flower to one of your daisy chains because it would fall apart? We can fix everything together. They were never broken beyond repair and you're not either, baby." I wanted to kiss her, so bad, but I didn't know if it was the right thing to do just yet.
"I'm afraid I'll never be able to touch someone else without seeing him, Liam. I'm afraid I'll never be able to be with anyone again without remembering that night and how it felt to be totally helpless against his strength. I want to. But I'm afraid." Her eyes finally met mine and I knew what she was silently asking.
I took my time, my eyes telling her what I was going to do while I slowly leaned into her face, never once moving my hands from her cheeks. My lips sat half an inch from her lips, waiting for her to turn away or tell me not to, but she didn't, she held my gaze, still wearing the same expression I took as an invitation. I was scared shitless; I didn't want her to revert to the shell she'd been yesterday.
"I'm going to kiss you now, Ry... okay?"
"Please. Please, Liam. Help me forget."
"Everyday." I leaned in the rest of the way, gently pushing my mouth to her rough lips.
I wanted to kiss her hard and fast, but I knew she was still hurting, so I let her lips mold to mine, remembering the last kiss we had on the porch at her parents'. Her lips were still the best damn lips I'd ever felt. When she slightly leaned in, I slid my hand to the back of her hair and ran my tongue just over her bottom lip. I couldn't go any further; I didn't want her mind to wander to the darkness.
"I love you, Ryley, so much, baby. Do you understand that?"
She nodded, not speaking yet. Her hand came up to her lips and she looked at me with eyes as bright as the day I met her.
"I do, Liam. I understand. I love you too." Her hand moved to rest on my cheek as she looked at me with so much love I thought my heart was going to explode. "How are the schools in Wisconsin?"
I let out a laugh of excitement that was a little too loud and made her jump.
"Shit." I laughed, grabbing her, kissing her mouth, her nose, her cheeks, her eyes, being as gentle as I could, but I was a man possessed, and I was possessed by Ryley Reynolds, the one thing that'd been possessing my soul since we were eight.
They made me stay in the hospital three more days before releasing me. I had slight pressure in my head from the trauma and the room still spun every time I would stand up, so I guessed they wanted to keep an eye on me. I was more than ready to be out of there and to be moving on with the next chapter in my life, in our lives.
Liam was with me as much as he could be and when he wasn't with me, he was with Able, learning everything he could about that little boy. Able was growing on Liam, it didn't take long. I had to laugh the first night that Liam stayed with me at the hospital. He was telling me about the fight with the booster seat and I could just imagine the struggle. Able always thought he could do everything himself. It was like the minute he turned five years old he was suddenly a grown up that could do everything. Stubborn and strong willed, that boy. He did get some qualities from his father.
I was finally going home, back to my apartment. I didn't want to be there, but I knew it had to be done. Liam said he could pack everything up and have it moved up North for me, but I felt like I needed the closure. Jenny told me she tried her best to clean things up. I knew what she meant and I was incredibly thankful for her. I knew Liam and her didn't really like each other, but they were both such a huge part of my life, they were going to learn to live with each other. Especially when we moved north, she was going to have to visit and stay with us.
"Hey, baby, you ready?" Liam's voice cut through the silence of the room and I turned to see him ready at the door with a wheelchair. "Have a seat, my queen, your chariot awaits!" Being incredibly overdramatic, he waved his arm in front of the chair and bowed, then took my hand and helped me stand from the chair I was in.
I was still dizzy, but they said that may take a few more days to clear up. Liam helped me sit in the chair. I laughed at his antics, enjoying the break from all of the stress.
"You know, I can walk, Liam." I chuckled as he pushed me down the hallways of the hospital to the elevator.
"Nope, hospital rules. You are just lucky they let me do it. Bertha was about to come throw you in the chair before I got here," he deadpanned.
Most of the nurses loved Liam, but Bertha didn't take lightly to the fact that Liam wouldn't leave my side when it was his turn to stay with me.