For3ver (9 page)

  "No one is going to force you to take these, darling," she said gently as she nodded at Jenny to help me to the car. 

I didn't talk the entire drive home and for once Jenny didn't try making conversation. She walked in my house with me and put the pill bottles on the table. Those would be gone and done by the time my parents got home from their short trip. 

  "You want me to stay the night?" Jenny asked as she eyed the bottles sitting on the counter. 

  "No thanks," I answered blankly. I needed to be alone for it. 

She sighed and came over to hug me. I didn't hug her back. I wasn't sure I had any of that left in me anymore. 

  "I'm here if you need me, Ryley. Love you," she said, and then she walked out, leaving me alone with the pill bottles. 

I stared at them for three hours and right after I got up the courage to take them, I heard someone knocking on the door. Slamming would be more like it. Gage was on the front porch, hunting clothes still on from being out that morning. I opened the door and stood with my hand on my hip, not inviting him in. 

  "What were you doing in Nashville today?" he asked. 

  "None of your business," I answered shortly, not liking he was keeping tabs on me. He looked around me and had a perfect view of the table and the pill bottles. 

  "What are those, Ry?" he asked, his eyes growing wide. 

  "What do you think they are, Gage? You are probably right." I wasn't going to hide it from him. 

  "Don't do it, Ry. Liam loves you, I love you, sure things are fucked up but that.... No." He shook his head. "Does Liam even know?"

Liam had gone to get his things moved into his dorm that day. I wasn't telling him yet.

  "Not yet. I'll tell him tomorrow." And he was going to be crushed. 

  "No, Ryley. You CANNOT do that. Think about what this is going to do to him. Don't fucking take those pills, Ry. I know things are fucked. I-I know this!" He grabbed his hair and his head fell back. "But, Ry, you guys belong together, and, and, and I hate fuckin' saying it, but you always have. I knew that," he said in a whisper, looking down like he was ashamed by our relationship. "Don't take them, Ry, it'll kill him. It'll ruin everything. Please, Ryley. Don't take them," he whispered his plea and looked me in the eyes. 

  "Too late." I whispered. 

Gage screamed and stormed off the porch. He left his car in the driveway, and started off down the road, kicking dirt and cussing the whole way. I wished I could've cared like that, I wished I could've gotten that mad. But I just wanted to sleep and make all of the bad go away. I just didn't care anymore. 

The next morning I woke to a pounding on the door. 

  "Open the damn door, Ryley!" Liam yelled from the front porch.

I stashed the pill bottle and went to the door, taking a huge breath before opening it. 

  "Where's Gage?" he asked as soon as the door opened, trying to look past me like I was storing Gage there. 

  "I don't know," I answered honestly. He didn't need to know I saw him the night before. He didn't need to know that Gage knew about the abortion before he did; it wasn't the time to tell him what I did. 

  "His car is still in the drive but no one can find him anywhere," he said frantically.

I threw on my shoes and headed out with Liam to look for Gage before he did something stupid. It was sad we were both waiting for Gage to finally blow up, but he'd become so unpredictable in that last year, we worried so much he'd hurt someone so badly it'd be a one way ticket to prison.

We searched the whole town. I was surprised that he wasn't at any of his friends' houses, nor did he show up for work at the shop. He wasn't at any of the local bars and no one had seen him since the afternoon before. Liam was starting to panic that something happened, but I held out hope that we would find him, on the outside at least. I had to stay strong for Liam. Deep down I felt something nagging at me. Deep down I felt that same panic that Liam had. What if something happened to him? What if he did do something stupid? It'd be all my fault for letting him leave so angry the night before.

It was after lunchtime, but we had yet to eat. I was starting to feel sick, whether from nerves or the medicine I didn't know, but Liam offered to make sandwiches to eat out by the pond. There was a small picnic table on the far side of the pond that we used to have picnics at as kids. When we got older, Gage would refuse to sit at the 'kid's table' and he would always sit by 'his tree', as he called it, while the kiddies sat at the table. He loved to make fun of us for being younger, but I knew it was because he loved us. 

Liam was inside making the sandwiches and I headed out to the table to clean it off from years of not being used. When I got out to the pond I noticed a ton more bugs flying around than was usual for that time of year. Swatting through them, I made it to the table to set some plates down. It smelled terrible around the pond, enough so that I started looking around to see if there were any dead fish floating. 

That's when I saw it. 

Gage's boot peeking out from behind one of the trees. Relief filled me. I knew he'd be pissed, more than likely with a massive hangover, but I found him! He probably just fell asleep out there like he had plenty of times before. 

I walked around the table, slowing my steps as I got closer. Something didn't feel right. Gage's body was too still.

I saw the gun first, resting near his right hand that was flopped on the ground. Then I saw him. What was left of him, at least. He shot himself, right in the head. God, the blood. The smell. I threw myself on his legs, completely breaking down. Screaming. I screamed so loud I was pretty sure the entire town could hear me.

  "LIAM! LIAM! LIAM! God GAGE!! NOOO!" I kept screaming, over and over. 

It smelled so bad I vomited right there, right where I found him. I couldn't move. Vaguely I remember arms coming around me and pulling me away, but I fought to get to him. I had to help him! 

Forever and always. Friends 'till the end.

I never thought the end would come so soon.

CHAPTER 6

LIAM

I knew, the second I saw her screaming, crying, and laying on top of something I couldn't identify from the house. All I could think while I ran toward her was 'God, please no'. But it happened, he fucking did it. Not a few days prior were we talking about something like that. He was pissed about something, money or something, I couldn't remember. He started getting violent, wanting to break whatever he could and hurt himself and he threatened he'd just kill himself one day. At the time I blew it off because he couldn't have meant it, there was no way in hell. Then when he was calmed down I kind of brought it up, he laughed it off, calling me a pansy for being so sensitive. 

In the middle of crying, Ryley was gagging, vomiting, trying to pull Gage to sit up. I scooped my arms around her and started pulling her away. I couldn't see it, I didn't want to see it, I just couldn't. That was my brother, my best friend, we'd had our outs but he was slowly starting to come back, he was slowly becoming the Gage he used to be. Now he was laying at our favorite spot, by the trees he called his trees and he was dead after using our grandpa's hunting rifle that Gage had been hunting with since he was old enough.

Ryley was fighting me to get back to him as I dragged her to the house. She definitely didn't need to see it and it was bad enough she was covered in his blood. I was gagging from the metallic smell and though it wasn't in my mouth, it was all I could taste. Stupidly, I told myself a few times maybe it wasn't Gage, maybe it was someone else, what was left of his face was barely recognizable. Even though I knew it was him, it was his clothes, his boots, his gun, I tried to convince myself there was hope. 

  "Ryley, sit down!" I screamed at her when she tried to push out the door to get back to him. "Gram!" I screamed, running for her room. I stopped, it all hitting me. "Oh, fuck," I whimpered. "Gram?" I called out again, but then I broke down and collapsed while I was on my way to the kitchen. 

I could hear her crying getting closer as Ryley crawled over to me, pulling me into her arms. Gram wasn't home, thankfully, I didn't need her to see it, I just needed her. I didn't know what else to do. Ryley and I lay on the floor of my living room, holding each other and crying for too long. When I realized Ryley cried herself to sleep, I jumped up, stumbling for the house phone. 

  "Mr. Montgomery?" I stuttered into the phone when I got through to Sara's dad, the town Sheriff. "This is Liam Porter, sir." I cleared my throat, rubbing my neck, trying to rub out the lump growing inside. "My brother," I weakly said and cleared my throat again. "My brother has shot himself, sir." I squeezed my eyes shut and clamped my lips closed so he didn't hear my sobs. "S-s-sorry." I lowered the phone to gasp in a few breaths. "I didn't know who to call," I said almost in a whisper. 

  "Gage? Gage Porter?" There was so much confusion in his voice that I was starting to question the same thing. Gage Porter, dead? 

  "Yes, sir." 

  "Liam," Ryley's small voice came from behind me and I spun around to see Gram looking like she'd seen a ghost; there were tears streaming down her face. We both had blood covering us because Ry had been covered in it and from me hugging her it transferred onto me; I could only imagine what Gram was thinking. 

  "Gage," she whispered, not in question. "G-Gage?" she called out louder and headed toward his room. 

  "Mr. Montgomery, my grandmother's home. I'd like to keep her away from the pond... where Gage is," I whispered only because I didn't want him to hear I was crying. 

  "I'll be right there, son, hang tight. You just sit still, Liam. And what about that girlfriend of his? The Reynolds girl?" 

  "That's not his girlfriend, sir." Why the fuck that mattered, I didn't know. "But she's with me." 

  "Both of you stay put, Liam." 

I knew why we had to stay put; we were suspects. I wasn't the only one shocked Gage would do that. The only person that foresaw something like that was Gram. She took it hard but tried to stay strong for me and Ryley. I don't know why she never pointed it out to me. Was my brother an asshole? Sure. And I knew he hated our lives most of the time, at least the bullshit we had been put through. But I had no idea he was truly suicidal. 

Gram tried to go to the pond and when she tried fighting me, I couldn't take it, I walked out and Ryley held her back. I went to the pond. Each step I took closer I lost the will to breathe because fear was squeezing my lungs. I didn't go over by him, but I couldn't not stare at his feet. 

  "You asshole," I whimpered and broke down, sitting on the picnic table Ryley and I were going to eat lunch at not even two hours before. 

  "Liam Porter, hands in the air, son." Art Montgomery's voice was like a threat in my head and I snapped, not wanting anyone to see my brother like that. 

Yeah I'd called, but while I sat down at the pond for thirty minutes and tried to hate Gage for what he did, I just ended up wanting to protect him, go back in time and try and protect him like I'd always tried to protect Ryley. I ran for Gage's body and didn't get far before I was Tazed. I don't know what happened with Gram and Ryley that day, but I was taken down to the station and questioned all night. With nothing left in my room at Gram's, I slept in Gage's the entire next day. I was feeling listless, like a failure, and I didn't know where to start with Ryley, but at least we had a start coming.

I didn't leave Gage's room until the following day and I'd found out Gram already had the funeral arrangements made. When I stumbled into the living room from having slept for close to sixteen hours, my mom was there, makeup streaking down her face and chain smoking. 

  "Li-Li." She headed for me, but I took a step back. It was her fucking fault.

  "Don't touch me," I said gruffly, not having spoken a word in probably twenty hours. 

  "Liam," she gasped in horror like I'd told her I shot him myself. 

  "Where's Megan?" I barked at her. 

  "With your daddy." 

My eyes went wild and I inhaled a breath, shocked she'd just insinuated my father was Rod. 

  "Liam," Gram blurted, but I was already storming out of the house to get away from doing something regrettable.

Where was I going to find sanctuary in that moment? With Ryley, at the tire swing. 

I stared at her house, slowly rocking, listening to the creak of the branch the tire swing had been attached to since we were kids. It didn't take her long to come out and when she did, she walked right for me, not saying a word, she just shoved my arm a little so she could climb onto my lap awkwardly. I looked up at the old branch and wondered if this would just be another thing to fail us. It moaned under our weight but seemed to be promising to hold out for us. 

  "Liam," she whispered, curled into my chest. 

  "Shh," I didn't want to talk. I couldn't hear his name. 

I held her for close to forty minutes before the pleading branch got louder and I couldn't trust it anymore. Ryley was carrying my baby and I didn't want to fall and her somehow get hurt. 

  "You hungry?" I asked, helping her out of the hole. 

  "Yeah," she whispered, not making eye contact. 

When I got off the tire something caught my eye. I reached in and pulled a flower crown out. Ryley's favorite. Daisies. 

  "You make this?" I asked her. 

  "No," she said almost in a gasp and reached for it. While she took it from my hand I saw something else in the tire and reached in, immediately bursting into laughter that turned into tears.  

  "What is it?" She reached for my grandpa's pocket watch he left me when he died. 

  "Gage broke it when we were thirteen. He said he'd fixed it, but never did. I gave up around fifteen. I didn't know he kept the fucking thing." I was still laughing and wiping the tears, embarrassed to cry in front of her, but when I looked up at her I wanted to cry harder. She had tears pouring down her pink cheeks, her blue eyes were glistening, and she had her crown in her hair. 

The crown and pocket watch answered painful questions that had been tormenting me. We were on his mind before he did it, he did actually care about us. How a fucking watch could make me forgive Gage after what he did was just stupid, but it meant so fucking much. 

Reaching for Ryley, I slid my hand across her stomach and pulled her into a hug. We'd get through it together, she'd be my rock and I'd be hers. Happiness would find us soon with the new life we were expecting. I wondered if Gage knew, but I wasn't going to ask her. I rubbed small circles on her stomach until she sniffled and grabbed my wrist. 

  "Liam," my mom called out from the porch. "Is that your girlfriend?" 

  "Go home, Ry." Still to that day I didn't want Ryley anywhere near anything to do with my mom. 

  "Liam," Ryley sniffled and her grip got tighter on my arm. 

  "Hi, there. I'm Liam's mama," she spoke to Ryley like they never met. 

  "I know who you are," Ryley seethed. 

  "Go home, Ry." 

  "She's a little bitch, Liam." My mom's raspy voice carried the words laced with disgust, sending pins and needles through me. 

Ryley stepped toward my mom and opened her mouth, but I stopped her. "Go home, Ry," I snapped again. "I'll call you in a bit." I had to get my mom out of there. 

Ryley stomped back over to her house. It was a screaming match at my house that night. My mom blamed me, she blamed Gram, then she had the nerve to blame Gage's girlfriend, who was Ryley, who she also didn't realize wasn't his girlfriend anymore and was the girl in my arms earlier that night. By the time she left, it was almost early morning and I got Gram calmed down and in bed. 

There was so much to deal with that I hadn't had the chance to talk to Ryley about the baby, but it was constantly on my mind. I would move her with me and give up my dorm to get an apartment with her. She was only going to community college so she could enroll in Pellissippi then transfer to the University. The tragedy was our chance and I couldn't say I wouldn't change it if I had the option. I wanted my baby, I wanted Ryley, but I wanted my brother alive and I'd opt for friendship with Ryley and her never getting pregnant if I had to choose. But it wasn't the case and I was ready to take care of our responsibility and ready to be a family with her. She thought the baby would change our lives and I knew it'd only be for the better. We were going to be a family and I needed that more than anything at that time. Losing Gage made the need to hold onto Ryley that much more extreme. I didn't have to lose her and I was going to make sure she knew I was the man that would always take care of her and our child. The man that had always wanted that since he was eight. 

The people that showed up at Gage's funeral made me laugh. People that didn't give a shit about him, about us, if they did, it probably wouldn't have happened. There was no suicide note, or any indication as to why, but it wasn't hard to figure out. He'd always believed Ryley was the only person that would ever really love us and he fucked that up with her. I don't think he ever really wanted her, but he felt she was all there was. His friends weren't his friends, he scored drugs from them, they scored from him, no one legitimately was there for him like I'd always been and still would have been if he didn't fucking lie to me. It was hard to accept my fault, even though I knew there was a lot. But I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just open up to me; there'd been times I did him. 

When I broke down the morning of his funeral and I demanded Ryley answer my stupid questions she'd just said, "You and Gage are the sun and moon, polar opposites. You wear your heart on your sleeve and that's your biggest fault. He locked it all away and that was his. You both have broken souls, Liam, and I just wanted to fix you both." Like I knew she would, she eased my anxieties. Nothing would ever explain why better than that explanation.

People stayed away from me most of the day and that was how I wanted it, except Ryley, she was my solid, at my side the entire day and that was where I needed her and my baby. 

Not only was the anguish of my brother's funeral weighing on me, but fear of leaving Gram had me panicked. When she had told me she was going to stay with her sister in Memphis for a while, I'd felt better. Having Ryley and my baby at my side, my brother looking down on us and knowing my Gram would be taken care of, I was starting to see the worth of my life again. 

  "It's late," I told Ryley, wanting to get her home because we had a lot to talk about.

It wasn't perfect timing, but life was going on around us and the life of our baby wasn't going to stop growing inside her so we could mourn Gage eternally. 

I put my hand on his coffin and bowed my head, promising I'd change for him, promising I would make my life worth living like we'd always planned to do together. 

  "Ry." I glanced over at her in the front seat of her car and she sniffled, wiping her nose in a tissue. "I'm sorry I left you guys." 

  "You had to, Liam. We're all headed for different things." She looked out the window and sunk into the front seat more while I held her hand, clasping our fingers together. 

It wasn't the time to tell her I thought she should be my girl again, but I did think it, I needed it. I needed her and my baby.