Authors: M. Dauphin H. Q. Frost
I didn't know how long I sat there, bringing back painful memories that I never wanted to relive. I knew I needed to go to the funeral on Friday, but I really didn't want to. My phone dinged and I looked at the screen. I must have really been out of it, as I had three missed calls and a slew of texts from Carl.
"Shit," I muttered and set my half drank beer on the coffee table. Standing up to stretch, I found his name and pressed 'send'.
"The fuck are you, Ryley?" he slurred.
No one called me Ry, anymore. I might have flipped a shit if he ever started calling me that actually.
"At my apartment, sorry. I got some bad news tonight and needed some time to think things over," I said, rubbing the back of my neck as I stared out the window to the parking lot. God, I hated that that was my view every day.
"I'll be over," he said, then he hung up. Great.
When Carl and I met he was everything I thought I wanted. A manly figure for Able (even if I hated watching them together), he had a job, he was nice enough. But the longer we were together I started seeing him in a different light. He would get drunk more often, cuss a lot more. The little things that Able did were starting to piss him off more. I knew it wasn't going to last between us, but I let it go on because I was afraid to be alone.
Not ten minutes later, he opened the door, using the key I so stupidly gave him, and walked in. Flopping down on the couch next to me, he picked up my beer and continued drinking.
"So," he said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "What happened that was so bad you couldn't come out with us tonight?"
"I found out that an old neighbor passed away. She was a big part of my childhood... and I haven't seen her in a while." I said, conveniently leaving out the part about Liam.
"Neighbor, huh? Didn't those Porter boys live next to you?" he asked, taking another swig.
Carl didn't show up in town until the summer that I got pregnant with Liam's baby, so I didn't expect him to remember that, but apparently his mind was a steel trap.
"Oh, yea. Yea... that's her. It was their grandma," I mumbled, trying to leave it at that.
"You ain't goin' to her funeral." No request, no asking if I was going... just that. I wasn't going.
"Excuse me?" I asked, turning on the couch.
He wasn't even that good looking and I always felt his unkempt appearance made me look bad. He had black, often greasy hair that he only washed a couple times a week, he was taller than Liam had been, but was much scrawnier than I ever remembered Liam.
"I said, you ain't goin'." He finished off the beer and tossed the can towards the door. "Get me another one, would ya?" he said as he laid his head on the back of the sofa and closed his eyes.
His behavior was getting worse and worse, but I was just thankful that Able wasn't there to see it.
"I AM going to the funeral, and you get your own damn beer," I said, throwing the pillow from the couch at him and getting up to leave.
Before I got past him, he pulled me on top of him and held my hands to my side, immobilizing me from getting away. His breath reeked of alcohol and his eyes were bloodshot from the amount that he had drank that night. That side of him only came out when he was drunk and it was useless for me to fight it without getting hurt. His face came to my neck, breathing in then nipping my ear painfully.
"No, Ryley. You ain't," he whispered. "Everyone in town knows that kid of yours is his, I ain't stupid, you gave him his fucking name. That's some sick shit," he said as he started licking his way down my neck. It was repulsive, what he was doing, but as hard as I tried to pull my hands away he would just tighten his grip.
"You're drunk, Carl. Let's just go to bed. We can talk about this tomorrow." I sighed and laid my head on his shoulder.
He laughed at me and tossed me to the couch. "Not drunk enough, Ryley. I'm not having the town talking about me and my whore of a girlfriend. You. Ain't. Goin'."
I stared at him for a moment, really wondering what I was doing with him. I didn't love him, he didn't satisfy me, but only one thing would have satisfied me and I couldn't have it.
"You should leave, Carl. I'm tired and I would rather Jenny not run into you." I tried getting him to leave by mentioning her name. She couldn't stand him, but had been putting up with him for my sake.
"I don't think so, Ryley. I think I'm going to stay right here. Don't want you runnin' off to that stupid funeral." He smiled and put his feet on the coffee table, closing his eyes again.
"I'm going to the funeral, Carl. She was like a grandma to me," I growled. He would not keep me from saying a proper goodbye, as much as it would hurt to have to face Liam again.
Carl sighed and turned his head to look me in the eyes. "Then I'm going, too." His eyes squinted into slits. "And we ain't bringin' the kid," he finished, then put his head back and went to sleep.
I hated that he had taken to calling Able 'the kid'. My boy had a name, a very special name. Every part of Able's name came from the Porter boys. Gage's middle name was Able, something he would have rather kept a secret, but Liam was awful at keeping secrets from me.
When I got up the next morning, Carl was gone and I breathed a sigh of relief. I needed to get rid of him, get him out of Able's life, but I couldn't just yet. I was so afraid to be alone that I was keeping him there just for the company.
I called my mom that morning, checking up on my baby. She said he was doing great, but she sounded tired and worried. I brushed it off, knowing that she wasn't looking forward to the funeral. They were going to keep Able all day until I could get there after work to get him.
Work was slow, as it always was on Thursdays. I had moved to bartending at Tipsy Tavern. The tips were a little better there and I was able to have time to study when it was slow. I had went back to school the year prior, still hoping one day to get a degree in psychology. Things were just a little off track, but I was getting it together little by little. By the end of the day, I was exhausted from pure boredom.
I stopped by my parents for dinner, enjoying the meatloaf and mashed potatoes that my mom made. My mom was quiet all night, not saying much the entire time I was there. I didn't ask about the house, or Gram, or any of it. I didn't want to know, because I didn't want to have to believe it. As I was leaving, my dad asked if they would see us tomorrow at the funeral. I looked back at him and smiled.
"Sure," I answered, then rushed Able to the car as the rain started pouring down on us.
Able was going to Jenny's parents' house for the day on Friday. We got up and packed a toy bag for him so he would have plenty of stuff to do. I wasn't too worried since they watched him all the time, but I was on edge about Carl going with me to the funeral. I would have rather he didn't, which was awful for a girlfriend to think, but he'd been adding more stress than comfort those past few months.
We met my parents at their house and I looked towards Gram's house pulling up. There were trash bags by the curb and the blinds and windows were open. My palms became sweaty as I stared at the proof that Liam was back.
"Hey, earth to Ryley. Let's go," Carl demanded as he got out of his truck. I was frozen in place until my dad opened the door.
"Hey, baby girl, you okay with this?" he asked in a quiet tone, looking towards the empty house.
"He's really here, daddy." I had reverted back to my eight year old self, wanting nothing more than to cuddle under the blankets and hide from the mean old world.
"Come on, we'll make it quick."
The thing about funerals in a small town is that they are never quick. Everyone knew everyone else, and everyone had a story to tell. We waited in line for almost an hour before we were able to get close enough to see the casket. I couldn't look up, I didn't want to talk. I kept wiping my sweaty, shaking hands on my black skirt. Standing there for so long had made me regretting the decision to wear a skirt, it was much too formal. Then I thought a little longer and I was okay with it because I wanted to make Liam know what he was missing out on. Five minutes after that, I hated it again because it wasn't appropriate for a funeral. I felt like I was going to vomit and I couldn't focus on anything around me. Carl wasn't even standing by us, what help he was. My dad's hand never left my elbow as we made our way up the line, slowly and painfully. The people in front of us were younger; I think I recognized the girl from school, but I couldn't remember anymore. It's amazing the things one's mind decides to forget and the things it holds on to.
I heard his voice before I saw him and I almost turned and ran. Had it not been for the sudden tightening of my dad's hand, I would have been out of there already.
I looked at my dad and he smiled at me. "I love you, Ryley Anne, you are strong enough to do this. Just don't forget to smile, you're beautiful when you smile," he whispered to me, then turned and walked in front of me. It was his turn to give his condolences to the grieving family.
My mom was behind me, holding my hand. I looked past my dad, not wanting to know who he was talking to, and I saw Gram in the casket. She looked so tiny, so frail. That woman was a fighter, but to see her there, my views of reality shattered. I hadn't talked to her in six years. Not once did I try to find her or get ahold of her. I was a terrible person for letting that wonderful old woman slip away.
Just as the tears began to fall, I heard my dad's voice. "Ryley, this is Mrs. Porter's sister, Hope." My dad's voice calmed me, but not enough.
I raised my shaking hand to take hers into a handshake, but she pulled me into a huge hug.
"So you are Ryley? Oh goodness, sweetheart. Not a day went by that Faith didn't talk about you. One very, very, special girl." Her voice cracked as she said the last few words, making my tears flow even faster.
Gram talked about me? Why didn't she call me? I would have visited her if I knew she missed me.
"I'm so sorry for your loss," I found my voice telling her, but I couldn't remember thinking to say it.
My dad had already moved on to the next person in line and I followed suit, staring at the ground. My mom was talking to Hope and I heard my dad's voice stop. Shit, it was my turn. I couldn't do it, I couldn't look up. My heart was beating so fast it felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I had no clue where Carl went and I kept telling myself to stop crying, but it was impossible.
"Ryley, dear. The line is waiting," my mom whispered in my ear as she gently pushed on my back, discreetly so no one noticed my incredibly massive breakdown I was about to have.
I needed to get out of there. I hated funeral homes. I hated the smell; all I could think about was Gage's funeral and the smell, and the flowers, and the fake laughs. God, I needed out.
My dad's hand took mine and when my eyes, still cast downward, landed on a pair of black, men's dress shoes, my heart stopped. He still wore the same cologne. Fuck, it was so hard. All I wanted to do was reach out and hug him; I needed my Liam hug. I also wanted to slap him for being such an ass to me. By this time, the room had gone quiet. I wasn't sure if it was because they were all watching me, or if I had just blocked out all the noise. I started trailing my eyes up, forcing myself to make eye contact. I was strong. A strong single mom. I faced worse things in a day, right?
He had on a suit. Of course he did, it was his grandma's funeral. The only time I had seen him in a suit was prom night. He didn't even wear one for Gage's funeral, saying Gage would have hated it. He definitely filled a suit out better now than he did back in high school. His shoulders were broad, built. I made it up to his lips, my eyes stopping on the lip ring and couldn't go any farther. There was no smile, no frown. No emotion at all. I flicked my eyes up to meet his and my heart damn near stopped. I saw Able's eyes, eyes that belonged to the most precious thing in my life, staring back at me.
"Oh, God Liam," I cried. Every ounce of me was done. I couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't as strong as I thought I was and the pain in my chest hurt ten times worse than it hurt six years prior on my front porch. "I'm sorry… I'm— Excuse me." I pushed my way away from the crowd and out to the parking lot.
Shit, it was such a terrible idea.
Shit. I wasn't expecting that. I didn't really know what I expected, but it wasn't for her to cry and storm off. So what'd I do? The same thing I'd done most of our lives, I went after her.
"Ry!" I called out, jogging behind her.
What the hell was I going to say to her? I shouldn't have followed her, but something inside couldn't stand letting her run off like that and no one go after her.
"Go back inside, Liam."
"Ryley, just fuckin' wait a minute!"
"Why? What is so important that you would walk out of your own grandma's funeral?!"
I didn't know, and I was starting to regret it every second.
"You're upset!" I gestured to her like her question was stupid. But it wasn't, she had a valid point. We hadn't seen each other in years; I'd made it obvious I wanted nothing to do with her. Why was I going after her?
She was still the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen, except she was a woman now. All her curves were filled in. The only difference was how tired she looked. I figured maybe she just hadn't slept well the night before. She was obviously upset about Gram. It made me feel good she was upset because I wasn't sure if she would be, because she'd changed a hell of a lot since we were kids. That much was obvious when she killed my baby.
"I just want to.... Hell, I don't know." I looked away from her because staring into her glistening blue eyes brought back so many memories. Good, bad, memories that haunted me for years since I left the Podunk town.
"I don't know why you would care that I'm upset, Liam. I'm fine, I'll be fine, don't worry about me."
"I don't care!" I screamed the lie at her.
"I've realized that."
"Fuck, Ryley. How can you just stand there, looking at me like I'm a fucking monster! You! You killed my future! You did this, not me. I fucking love you. LOVED! I fucking loved you and you crushed all that because you were afraid. Why were you so fucking afraid? Had I ever failed you before? Had I ever let anything happen to you? I protected you since we were kids. Fuck! This is not what I wanted to deal with today. Shit. Just shit!" I put my hands on top of my head and looked up to the sky, wondering if Gage and Gram could see us, wondering what the hell Gage would do. Would he laugh at me or would he tell me to get out of there, Ryley would never be the girl she used to be. Would Gram frown and tell me she just worries about me and that Ryley had always cared about us boys. The typical shit she'd say without answering for someone else.
"Eh!" I heard an unfamiliar voice bellow from my left and I slightly turned to see a gumpy asshole in a wrinkled shirt stomping my way. "Stay the fuck away from my girl!" he snapped, shoving me back and snatching Ryley's arm, tugging her behind him.
My brows furrowed and my fists clenched. "Ryley?" I growled, ready to take the motherfucker down.
"I said stay away from her. She don't wanna talk to you. You ain't got nothin' to say to her. Get your ass inside and say goodbye to your dead."
I sprung forward, but before I could cock back, Ryley jumped in front of him.
"I'm sorry for your loss, Liam. I am. Just... just go inside." She tugged the gump away so fast he almost tripped.
He growled something at her, jerking her arm a little so she'd stop pulling him and I almost lost it again.
"Liam!" Dana called from the doors, distracting me. "What's wrong?" She ran to me like there was a fire inside; her arms went around my neck. "What's going on?"
I turned my head to see Ryley again, but she was already in the car and the asshole was driving. Ryley was turned in the seat, staring out the window at me, seeing Dana in my arms. Fuck. I don't know why it mattered, but, for some reason, I didn't want her to see that.
The second I got back inside, I found her parents.
"Mr., Mrs. Reynolds." I nodded, not giving a fuck I'd just interrupted them from talking to the pastor.
"Liam, where's Ryley?" Mrs. Reynolds looked around worriedly.
"Some ass—" I stopped and rubbed the back of my neck. "She left with a man with black hair, Mrs. Reynolds. Who is that? That's her boyfriend?" I was almost shocked and you could tell by my tone. Ryley was too pretty for that greasy asshole.
"Liam, honey, I think you need to sit down with Ryley."
"No," I snapped, shaking my head. "No. I'm sorry, Mrs. Reynolds, no disrespect, but nothing's changed, and Ryley made that obvious today." I sighed and dropped my head, knowing I needed to calm down. That wasn't the place to let Ryley get to me like she always did.
"I'm sorry you feel that way," she said so softly and with so much pain in her voice I had to look up at her again.
"Where's your little boy?" I glanced around, hoping a subject change would cool everything down.
She cocked her eyebrow then looked to Mr. Reynolds. He put his arm around her shoulders and tugged her a little closer.
"Son, I think you and Ryley need to have a sit down."
It took a second for it all to sink in. No. No fucking way. She didn't. She fucking killed my baby then had that slimy motherfucker's baby!
"Mr. Reynolds." My voice cracked so I stopped.
"Son." His hand went to my shoulder. "It's not up to us to tell you what's goin' on in Ryley's life. You need to speak with her."
I left. Just stormed out like it wasn't my Gram's funeral. Stormed out like I was at a sporting event and trying to beat traffic.
Dana was the last thing on my mind, so when she called I almost didn't answer, then I remember I'd left her at the funeral home. I had to go back, I knew that, but I was scared. That was the only feeling that was coursing through me. Fear. I didn't know what I was afraid of, I think the brewing anger was just festering at fear in that moment.
When I wandered back into the funeral home the first thing I noticed was The Reynolds were gone, and I was glad for it.
"Liam! Where'd you go?" Aunt Hope asked with such worry it made me think she might have actually cared.
"I needed some air." I pulled Dana to a corner and took her hand, re-planning my whole life. Planning it for something I didn't want at all, but Ryley moved on. Had some asshole's kid. I would do the fucking same. Live until my time was up, just be happy to breathe day to day and fuck the rest. I'd been doing that, but I think part of me kept an availability for the possibility of Ryley, but that option was suddenly gone.
"Liam, let me get you a beer, or twelve." Nick chuckled, patting my shoulder.
I looked at my pocket watch seeing I'd been there since eight that morning and it was going on six, the viewing was ending at six. I agreed and found Aunt Hope.
"I'll see you early in the morning," I told her, kissing her cheek.
We were putting Gram in the ground at nine the next morning, no big production, just me and Aunt Hope and I was hoping Megan would come, but I wasn't able to get ahold of her.
The night was becoming more of a blur and I couldn't tell you how many drinks I had. All I remember is it was closer to maybe nine when I knew the night was going to end in the worst way possible.
I had Dana in my lap, a beer in my hand, and we were laughing with my old high school friends. They'd all come to the bar, and they were all feeding me drinks.
"Aw shit," someone muttered, and I turned my head in the direction most of them were looking.
A leggy brunette was bent over, picking up what looked like the contents of her purse. Her shiny brown hair was hanging in her face and her ass was up in the hair while she fumbled with her things. Her fuck me heels were asking me, and I was drunk so I was going to answer. I shifted Dana off my lap, yeah I was drunk enough to where I was at the asshole phase. Standing, I finished my beer and headed toward the body that wanted me on it all night.
"Need some help?" I casually asked, bending to help her.
She just froze and turned her head. I looked into her eyes and closed my own, realizing what the 'aw shit' comment was all about. I just thought whoever said it was checking out the hot girl. How did I not know it was Ryley? I'll tell you how. She was in a tight, short skirt and fuck me heels! That wasn't Ryley, but damn if my body didn't want that Ryley worse than I'd ever wanted her.
I chuckled and stood. "Maybe your boyfriend or husband, whoever that fuck-face was earlier, can help you." And I wandered away, right back to my table and grabbed Dana's drink.
I shoulda left, but fuck that, I was drunk and had every reason to get trashed. Three different people suggested we leave, but I refused. I laughed long and hard when I realized she was actually working at that shit hole bar.
"Eh!" I called out, snapping my fingers toward the bar. "Bar bitch. Do your fuckin' job. We need drinks."
"Liam," Dana quietly said while placing her hand on my knee.
"What? The bitch sucks at her job."
"I'm gonna go up. What do you want, Porter?" Nick asked me.
"No." I slammed my hand on the table. "Make that bitch work for her money." I'd had way too much to drink and kept telling myself that, yet I didn't shut my damn mouth.
"Liam, dude, take it easy. Let's just leave."
I glowered at Anthony a minute then stormed up to the bar.
"Can I get some help?" It was only Ryley and another woman working, which I found stupid, but the bar wasn't that packed.
"Just a minute," the girl that'd been helping us since six had said.
"Not you, sweetheart." I turned my gaze onto Ryley. "Hey, whore, can I get some service?"
I heard the sharp inhale of breath she took. I watched her face fall. I noticed when her muscles tightened. But when she turned to look at me, I wasn't expecting that look on her face. She wasn't pissed, she was fucking broken.
"Hey, back off, buddy. You can't talk to my girls like that. Either sit your ass at your table or get the fuck out of here!" The busty brunette that had been serving us bitched at me.
I wasn't quite done yet, even though I kept telling myself to just shut the fuck up. I wanted to watch her shatter like I finally did when Mr. Reynolds told me she had that gumpy asshole's kid, but killed mine.
"Ryley," I dragged out her name in a taunting way. "Having that fucktard's kid screw up the brain in that head of yours? Can I get a beer?"
"Leave, Liam," she spoke quietly and it only made me laugh.
"Or what? What're you gonna do? You gonna call your asshole husband? Where's he at anyway? Home with the kid?" I leaned on the bar to get closer to her, to be more menacing, but her smell hit me and I stumbled back a little when I felt my heart start to pound in my chest. "So tell me, is it just a Porter child you couldn't handle? It wasn't enough you killed Gage? You had to kill my daughter too?" I chuckled with a shake of my head. "Everyone know what you did?" I spoke louder. "Does everyone know you murdered my baby?" Now I was just getting angry, no longer feeling satisfaction from tormenting her. I was just pissed. "Does everyone know you killed any chance I had at real happiness then you opened your whore legs for a piece of shit redneck and squirted out a kid for him? Huh, Ryley? Does everyone know that?" I yelled looking around the bar. "Ryley Reynolds is a whore!" I pointed at her, still looking around the bar. "I fucked her in the back seat of her Focus and got her pregnant and what'd she fucking do?" I turned back to face Ryley and I saw the anger brewing in her pretty eyes that I never wanted to see again. "What'd you do Ry? Huh? You killed it. You killed my little girl then you got knocked up by some piece of shit, uneducated, scum. You shoulda aborted that little boy, Ry. He's only going to suffer with a mother like you and a redneck father like that," I seethed, wishing I never started my drunken rant.
I made it in late to work because of the fight I had with Carl on the way home. I was still shaking from seeing Liam with that woman hugging all over him. Who the hell was that? Was he married? I couldn't stop shaking. He hated me so much it physically hurt. Carl kept screaming at me, telling me I shouldn't have left his side at the funeral. I never left his side; he walked away from me when we got there. I didn't care that he was pissed; I was going to break it off with him after work anyway. He was starting to get out of hand and I didn't want my son to be introduced to that side of Carl.
We got home and I threw on my outfit for work. I hated it, it was so skimpy and tiny, but it got me the tips. Carl was still pissed when we got there so he didn't get out of the car or tell me goodbye. It was a good thing, too, because he would have flipped if he saw my outfit that night. Bartenders dressed skimpy for the tips and I needed all the tips I could get if I was ever going to get out of that place and into a home with a yard for Able. After the funeral home, I was seriously considering leaving with Able and never going back to that town.
I couldn't find the regular shoes I wore and I didn't really have any other options in my closet other than a pair of chucks and flip flops. Running into Jenny's room, I grabbed a pair of heels and booked it out the door before I was fired for being so late. Annie, the manager on duty that night, was helping seat tables and wait since Vanessa didn't show up for her shift. I knew she was already short staffed and I was just making it harder on her.