Confessions and Olivia (Olivia #2) (18 page)

I look up to the ceiling shaking my head in denial. Is this the truth?

I glance up at him undoing my arms to speak with urgency. “Everything you ever said to me was planned? Like asking me up to your apartment? You were so happy when I told you that day I had disobeyed Mauricio by going to see you rather than work for him. I just thought it was because you were delighted I’d chose you. Instead, it was because your plan was working to turn me against him.”

Yes, it’s all coming to me now.

Calvin exhales deeply and pleads with me. “Olivia, please don’t do this.”

With great reluctance, I walk towards him, my eyes turning into angry slits. “Why? Because it’s the truth? You knew what gym I went to, didn’t you? Tyler told me that it was no coincidence but I didn’t believe him.”

He observes me warily as I move towards him pointedly, and he begins to step back. “Yes, Okay, I found out which gym you went to. Do we have to go through this?” he presses, but I'm not done.

“Yes! Yes we do. Because every single time you said something that would make me giddy with admiration; said I was beautiful. Things you did for me, that was just to get me to trust you wasn’t it Calvin? To get me on your side?”

“Yes at first but...” he hesitates as he continues to back away from me. He doesn’t know what my next action is going to be and he hates it. Neither do I. I am acting on impulse.

I start to boil over in rage after thinking things through.

I reach him and push him in his shoulder with my fingers. “Was having sex with me part of your plan too?”

He ignores my pushing and disagrees.
His eyes are soft and poignant. “Olivia, don’t say that.”

“Well it’s true. Did you even fan
cy me Calvin?” I push him again. “Or was getting me into your bed just a bonus for you?”

This time he stops walking back and gently takes hold of my shoulders to stop my behavior, to stop me walking towards him o
n a rant. His voice is stressed. “No! Of course I fancied you. That was half the fucking problem. I didn’t plan on having sex with you, when I told you how much I desired you I meant every single word. I didn’t mean to spend all my time with you and I didn’t at first. But the more I thought about you the more I couldn’t stay away. I couldn’t wait to see you and I am never like that with a women. I never think about them, and I hardly ever want to spend my time with them. Yes, Okay, I have fucked around in the past and left women heartbroken, but you were different. I knew I had to make you like me, make you trust me, but more importantly I really
wanted
you to like me. I wanted you to trust me. Not just because it was what I had to do, but because deep down, I really wanted you to. You mattered to me and no women has ever meant anything to me before. For some strange reason like you say, there was something about you. We clicked.” He drops his hands from my shoulders when he’s satisfied I’m not going to do anything stupid.

I stare back at him in w
onder. “If I meant that much to you, then why did you continue to ruin me?”

His head dips for a second, feeling ashamed no doubt. “I didn’t want to ruin you Olivia, Mauricio. Not you.”

“But you influenced me,” I exclaim. “Everything you said about me having my own voice and that I shouldn’t let Mauricio lead my life for me, that I should stand up to him, you did out of intention. Not because you wanted me to. You slowly you got me to see sense. You showed me that Mauricio was controlling every aspect of my life, because that was what you always intended on doing. You didn’t care about me.”

“That was my intention at first
, yes. But it was true, I couldn’t actually believe how much your life was being controlled and you didn’t seem to get it. Is that a bad thing that I showed you another way of life?”

I scoff at the way he turns it around to try and make it a good thing, yet
it’s hypocritical. “No because at the time you were telling me my life was being controlled by Mauricio, it was also being influenced by you. Do you see?”

His
brows furrow a little perplexed. “It might seem like that, but I was simply trying to get you to understand. Not once did I want to influence you.”

But he did
, didn’t he?
I turn away from him exasperated. “And there was me thinking we had this connection you know? Something different to what others had. You also made me realize I was actually miserable with my life. When I met you, you made me see I wasn’t happy…”

“Neither of us where happy!
” he bellows causing me to turn. “Yes, I come across as someone who breezes through life without a care in the word but I done anything but breeze through life. I crawled through on my hands and fucking knees, tortured with this pain I have to live with every day. But somehow I had to put a smile on my face and act with bravado before it beat me. With you, I have an actual reason to put that smile on my face, every day. And you Olivia, you’ve been dragged through life with people telling you what to do. What decision’s to make. You’ve been pushed from pillar to post your entire life and that isn’t living. That’s living for someone else. We’re not so different. And that’s what draws us together. We do have a connection.” He adds in hope. I can see it in his eyes. His doesn’t want to lose me. I don’t want to lose him but this needs to be cleared. He needs to be honest with me if we have any kind of chance.

I nod my head agreeing. “Okay. I understand that.” I’m getting there slowly. I
continue with my tone accusing. “So you accomplished what you wanted with me. You were getting nearer your goals with ruining Mauricio. So, why did you leave? What changed?”

"Changed priorities.” He answers quick and sure.

“What priorities?”

He
rubs his face in his hands. He’s exhausted.
Join the club.

“If you don’t want to be honest Calvin
, then we won’t do this!”

His eyes suddenly shoot open.
“I want to do this Olivia, calm down. I’m trying here. You want to know everything and I’m trying. I had to leave Chicago. I wouldn’t have been able to stay away from you if I stayed here. Ashton packed us up the same night I left you, and we were gone."

I know this, I went to see you Calvin, and yes, you were gone. I think to myself painfully.

“When you told me you loved me, it killed me inside and stung like fuck. And yes, I panicked. You know, I knew what I was doing to you would come out eventually. I got scared, I thought when it came out, you would hate me and I couldn’t live with that. So I needed to leave, before I did any more damage. I needed to carry on without you.”

That’s his excuse? He left me because he didn’t want me to hate him?

“Why did you care what I thought? After all I was just a game to you?”

Calvin tilts his head back breathing out a calm breath before answering me. “I cared because…I love you Olivia. I’m in love you.”

I gasp like the wind has just taken my breath away. My heart doesn’t speed up, it stops.

I stare back at him in silence for a moment, taking in what he’s just announced.

"You love me?" I breathe with tears creeping in the corner of my eyes as the feeling of joy sweeps through me, but with so much pain.

He moves towards me with determination. His wide blue eyes lock onto mine. When he reaches me, his palms caress either side of my face and he holds me up to look at him.

"More than anything." He whispers. “I love you. So much.”

Those three words pierce my heart. I clench my eyes together, closing them to try and release myself for the lingering pain that I have carried with me for so long. The pain that was there while
I
waited for him to come back to me, waiting for him to tell me he loved me, and now, he’s said it. He has said the words my body has longed for, the words my heart has ached for.

He loves me.

“You love me.” I repeat again on a shaky breath.

He smiles pushing a stray piece of hair behind my ear. “Yes, Olivia. I am completely and undeniably in love with you.”

I nod slowly with my head between his palms trying to absorb the shock.

I’m so happy, but then I can’t feel anything but sadness. My heart is bursting from his declaration but its killing me for so many other reasons.

He wraps me up into his arms, cocooning me. My hands are against his chest, my head resting there also. I close my eyes and cherish this moment. Even if, for a second, despite everything. I need this moment, for us. Just being held by him makes everything seem so minute. Like I shouldn’t have a care in the world because I have this man. If I have him, nothing else matters because he makes me deliriously happy. But it does, so many other things matter that I can’t get my head around.

Calvin brakes our bliss, pushing me out a little at arm’s length.

“Olivia, I know we still have a long way to go. I know there is still so much you need to know, but I promise you, we will take it one day at a time. Together. Whatever life throws at us, promise me you will stay with me.”

“One day at a time. Together.” I repeat
on a teary promise.

Even though I really need to know everything yesterday.

“Promise me this won’t come between us.” I beg him this time and look up into his twinkling eyes. I know he’s worried about me. I know his mind pondering about what I’m thinking but I need reassurance too. A few hours ago I hated him for using me. For hiding things from me. I didn’t think there would or could be an us. But now, I could never picture my life without him. I don’t think I ever have since meeting him. I know we have a long way to go and I know I still have more pain to endure but I’m ready for it.
As long as I have Calvin.

“Olivia, nothing will ever come between what we have. Understand?”

“Promise me.” I demand.

“I promise. Listen, when you were gone
, my whole perspective changed. The days went by and it got harder for me. The look on your face when I left, the pain I caused you has never left me. I don’t know how I mustered up the courage to do that to you. After months of trying to hide it, I knew I couldn’t live without you anymore and if that meant letting Mauricio get away with what he's done then, so be it. I love you too much to let it go on. I’d rather have you than anything else in this world.”

A warmth of contentedness washes over me. He finally realizes how it feels to be in love, and it's with me. He loves me. That’s all I’ve wanted to hear since he left but it’s such a bittersweet situation. How can I be happy at the same time?

“I was set a job to ruin and bring down the murderer of my parents, yet I fell in love with his step daughter.” He shakes his head in amazement, like he can’t believe what he’s saying himself. I quickly correct him. "I’m not his daughter, neither step daughter Calvin. I don’t want anything more to do with that man and I can’t let my mom stay there with him. We need to go to the police.”

Calvin shows an element of surprise,
then his eyes drop as he sighs. "There’s no point, the police won’t do a thing.”

"But they will,” I urge him, taking his hands, “like you said, they’re not on his side anymore, besides you can tell them...”

"Tell them what? What evidence do I have? The ones who told me won’t want to stand up to him and give their word in court. I don’t even know who they are, they told me in secrecy.”

“Surly Mauri
cio isn’t that much of a threat. You act like he’s some Tony fucking Montana.”

I’m cursing because of the situation, not at Calvin.

He raises his eyebrows at me. "Are you serious? Don’t you know anything about him?"

I
look downcast feeling so naïve. So helpless and stupid. “Obviously not.”

Calvin urges me not to worry.
“It doesn’t even matter now, there’s nothing I can do. If I continue to rip Mauricio apart, I’ll lose you.”

“No you won’t.
You won’t ever loose me, especially not now, and you can’t let him get away with this just because of me.”

“
I don’t see any other way.”

“So you’re going to let him win?” Has he gone mad?

“Oh he hasn’t won. By the time you tell your family, the one thing he loves more in the world won’t be in his grasp any longer, and I will make sure he knows why this has happened and who’s done it to him.”

He follows me over to the bed. This doesn’t feel right. He needs to get punished for this. Can Calvin really go on like this? His parents were killed by this man, and he thinks he can just leave it at that?

"Calvin, please tell me this," He looks down at me as we both sit facing each other on his bed. I lean into his touch as he caresses my cheek, needing it more than ever. "What is it?"

"Can you really spend the rest of your life, loving me, loving someone who will remind you of what he did to your family?"

He stops stroking my cheek and pulls it away from me. I already feel the loss of contact.

He stares at me fiercely.
"Olivia, what he did is not your fault. I was the asshole who used you to get to him. Don’t think for one second your to blame for this or that spending my life with you will remind me of what he did, with you here or not I will never forget, but with you with me, it eases the pain a little. Please don’t make this a negative thing. Please don’t make it about him. Most of my life has been about him. I don’t want our lives based on it as well."