Confessions and Olivia (Olivia #2) (13 page)

He looks startled by my question like he didn't realize
I caught that part and retreats. "You know what I mean...”

I glare at him impassively.
"No, I don't know what you mean, enlighten me. You went too far with what?"

His eyes drop from my gaze. He twists his whole body away from me and paces up and down his living room, running his hands through his hair again. He looks an injured soul. Not the full of life character I knew.

"I didn't mean for you to fall in love with me, that wasn't meant to happen." He clarifies.

What is he talking about?

"No one knows if they’re going to fall in love with someone Calvin. You think I planned falling in love with you? Don’t you understand how hard it was for me? To give myself to you?"

"No, I know you didn't plan anything Olivia, I’m not saying that. At first, the way you were, I didn't think you would fall for me like you did, it wasn't meant to be like that and I wasn't meant to fall for you either. That wasn't what was meant to happen."

What is he going on about? Why wasn’t it meant to happen? Why is he acting like I was some sort of a...Oh no, please no.

I step back away from him shaking my head,
refusing to believe what I’m thinking is true.

"Was I... some sort of a plan to you?" I ask appalled, my throat closing up making it hard to speak. He wouldn’t do that to me would he?

Calvin frowns at my question, but it’s not convincing enough.

“What...No!" He argues gently like I’m being absurd.

"What is it then?" I demand high pitched.

I can tell he wants to tell me something and he's about to, but then loses my gaze again and decides against it. I shake my head closing my eyes as tears slip out. I have had enough. None of this is making sense to me and I can't hurt myself any more.

I quickly make for his front door. I need to go.

"Olivia, wait. I don't want you to go," he pleads catching up with me.

"I can't stay here when you’re lying to me Calvin. You know, I’m sick and tired of people lying to me. So many secrets and lies. My mom, Mauricio and now you, but then…you always was."

He looks hurt by my harsh remark but it's the truth. I thought seeing him today would mend me, after all, this is what I wanted; to have the man I love, back. But now, I see he can't be honest with me and the old Olivia instantly kicks back into touch. Bringing my guards up and looking out for number one is what I need to do, even though it kills me to do so. I have to fight for myself now.

"Olivia, I...”

My heads shoots up to his as I wait a moment to give him another chance, but then he deflates and
remains silent.

I shake my head disappointed at him letting my tears fall. "Goodbye
, Calvin."

I slam the door behind me and hear Calvin smashing things up and cursing to himself. I make a run for the elevator.

I head for outside. Ignoring Paul when he asks if I’m alright. I can't speak. I have nothing left.

It was so different to what I thought it was going to be like.

What was I expecting, a happy ending? Did I think that seeing him would immediately bring us
blissfully back together again and all would be forgotten?

I’m proud of myself for leaving. I don't know where my strength came from but I did it. Now I feel empty. I’ve seen Calvin and we’re not still not together. Nothing has changed.
We are not blissfully reunited.

Why does he lie to me?

I look back as I step outside his apartment. Calvin doesn’t follow. I half expected it, why would he? He's never fought for me before. Why change now?

Chapter Eleven*

As soon as I’m out of sight from the building, I slump to the floor and cry like I’ve never cried before. My chest is wheezing as I desperately try to catch my breath. I can't handle these feelings. Even more so now I’ve seen him again. I love him so much but I need honesty and that's something he is not willing to give me.

Why is he telling me he needs me all of a sudden? Why did he finish me in the first place if he needed me that much? And why do I have the sickening feeling inside that Calvin had a motive to our relationship? But what?

Why did I expect anything more from him? I know I did and now it hasn't happened, I’m lost.
What more can I give Calvin?

People walk past me in the street. Its late evening and I probably look insane. They look down on me with sympathy in their eyes.

"I don't need your pity." I shout at them in a rage. I don't mean to but I’m so angry and upset.

My cell hasn’t stopped bleeping either. Its Tyler, Macy and Elise. I text Macy telling her to t
ake over at work for a while and that I will explain soon, then close my eyes and call Elise back because if I don’t she will send out a search party for me.

“Olivia,” she scolds me before I get
a chance to say hello. “Why haven’t you been answering my calls?”

I inwardly sigh an
d force myself to put on an act. “I'm sorry Elise, I've been…Sleeping.” I put my finger in my other ear hoping to block out the sound of cars and the city coming through the speaker.

“Oh, I'm sorry if I woke you. I wanted to tell you that I'm flying to Egypt tomorrow night,” she squeals
in excitement. I force a smile. “Dante told you? Isn’t he wonderful, I knew you’d love it.”

She gasps in horror playfully because I knew all about it. I produce a fake laugh. Elise is way too intoxicated in her honeymoon news to sense something is up with me. I feel awful that I'm ru
bbing at my forehead mindlessly. I’m trying to listen to her but my thoughts are elsewhere. I’m frustrated, confused and extremely hurt but I don’t want to sound disheartened for her sake.

“Anyway, I'm talking your ear off Olivia.  I will see you in a week and remember what I told you, stay away from that asshole.”

“I will.” I croak. Elise homes in. “Hey, you alright?” I quickly look up to the stars to stop the stampede of tears coming through. “I’m fine. I’m just tired. You have an amazing time. You deserve it.”

She pauses before answering me.
“Okay, I'm only a phone call away right?”

“Right.” I smile and we hang up. Now Tyler. I can’t deal with one of his dramas. So I leave it for tonight. I can call him tomorrow on a level head. I know he only called me to tell me off about not going to see him.

I stand after I calm myself down, trying to breathe normal again.

I have no idea where to go. I don't want to go home. I can't go home. I do think about maybe going to New York right now. I could surprise Ty. But then I think he can do withou
t this one. His life is in such a positive place. I don’t want to put any negativity there. My cell suddenly bleeps again telling me my battery has died. Fuck. No battery. Now what?

I carry on walking with no destination in mind.

***

I end up on the beach. It's peaceful here and I need to think. Thankfully being night time and so goddamn cold the beach is deserted. Its dark, it’s freezing but somehow, it soothes me.

I sit myself down on the sand and stare out at sea, bringing my knees up to my chest wrapping my coat around me.

Listening to the wave’s crash into the shore is the most relaxing sound by far. I could stay here forever. What’s the point in going back?

I don't wish to feel like I do a moment longer. The way my parents are making me feel it’s like I’ve done something criminal yet I have no idea what is going through their minds
.
I wish I knew. I feel like I have lost my mother along this crazy road. Things were never like this. Mauricio? I know I hate him right now, but of course it hurts. The way he's treating me. It’s absurd and unforgivable. But I’ve still lost him and it's dismal to say the least. These two people that I loved and trusted more than anything in the world have turned on me and for what?

I feel I have no way in life. Before I knew my road. I knew my plans, my future and now? I’m so uncertain of everything. Nothing makes sense anymore. Maybe I should move away, go with Tyler. We could start a happy life together. Start new just like Tyler has already.

Then if I move away, I won't see my family anymore. They will despise me for deserting them, but haven’t they done that to
me
already?

I can't stay here knowing Calvin is here and I can’t have him. I can't stay where so many things will remind me of him. I couldn’t bear to walk somewhere only for me to see another women on his arm. But here I am, at this beach. The very same one we loved spending our time together. Our favorite place to be.

I rest my head on my knees and sigh out of despair, then close my eyes for a second, feeling burnt-out.

"Olivia!" I hear someone vaguely call my name in the distance. I didn’t realize how heavy my eye lids had gotten until I try to open them. I’m half asleep when I’m woken up being pulled by my shoulders.

"Olivia!" I look up lazily and Calvin is standing over me looking frantic.

"What are you trying to do to me? I’ve been looking everywhere for you. I should have realized you'd be here." He shouts in temper looking around the beach. I blink up at him still in a daze. "Calvin? What... What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you, why else would I be at the beach at night when it’s however minus degrees. Are you crazy? Why is your phone switched off?"

I’m still a little disorientated.
“My phone? You came looking for me?”

"Yes! When you left it drove me mad. I knew I couldn’t let you slip away from me again. I had to and come find you."

Calvin pulls me up off the sand. I stand up still quite stunned. I must have fallen asleep. On the beach? And Calvin’s right it’s so cold. My feelings become numb to the coldness. How could I possibly fit any more feelings in?

"Wake up Olivia." Calvin grabs me by my shoulders again shaking me gently to bring me back to earth, talking one hundred miles an hour, trying to explain things, but he's going too fast.

"Jesus, I’ve been going out of my damned mind looking for you and I find you here freezing cold."

"Why did you come then?" I snap a little irritated about to turn away from him placing my arms around myself but he’s not letting me out of his sight. He pulls me back.

"No, I won’t let you go again. I can't let you go slip out of my life again. I just can't."

What?

"I seem to remember it was you who left me Calvin,
you
who let me go."

"Don’t you t
hink I know that? You think I forgotten how you looked at me that day? Your face when I left you all those months back, I’ll never forget that, so don’t act like I’m some heartless jerk Olivia." He looks away hurt like he’s hates himself for it. "I will never get that image out of my mind. I don't think it will ever leave m
e.
Seeing the pain in your eyes, the pain that I put there, it broke me."

I scoff at the audacity. He comes to find me, telling me he can’t let me go again, yet I broke him?

"It broke you? What about me? You broke my heart,” I point to my chest. “You broke my trust and hope. You were so cold to me. So cruel, so yes, you are a fucking heartless jerk. What I’ve been through... What you have put me through… You have no idea." I cry out of resentment I feel towards what he’s done to me.

He
caresses my face softly between his palms to stop me from moving, staring right into my soul, like he means every word he's about to say.

"I no baby, I no... I can't apologize enough. I hope one day you will forgive me, but until you do, I will make it up to you every single day, for the rest of my life."

Whoa, what? I move out his grip finding it hard to believe what I’m hearing.

"Wait a second, you broke up with me because you didn't love me, now all of a sudden you want to be with me for the rest of your life?"

"I know how it seems but please trust me."

"Trust you?” I scoff.
“How can I trust you when I know you’re lying to me? How the fuck can I trust anyone anymore."

He seems wounded by my observation but he understands I’m right.
He sighs trying to bring me in to him. Trying to talk me round. “Baby, let’s go someplace warmer. I’ll explain everything. Please listen to me and stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?" I snarl.

"Like you hate me."

Hate him?
I resent what he’s done to me, but hate him? No, I love him and that’s half the fucking problem.

"Let’s go back to the car." He prompts as I watch him warily. The cold has bec
ome a strong wind, it’s like ice and I do need some warmth.

"Then you’ll tell me?" M
y voice softens with hope.

He stays silent, too long.

"Will you tell me?" I shout over the wind.

“Yeah,
I’ll tell you. Will you come back to mine?”

I don’t think so. “No, tell me now. Right now.”

He loses his hold of me and flops his hands to his sides like he’s been defeated. "If I tell you the truth, I’m scared of losing you and I can't lose you a second time."

I look out at the sea in contempt, brushing my windblown
hair out of my face.

So he isn’t going
to tell me? I make my decision. "You’ve already lost me Calvin."

I go to walk off again but he pulls me back turning me around by my shoulder.

"I know that and it was the worst mistake of my life. Just please believe me when I tell you, I didn't do it because I wanted to. All I ask of you is to trust me on this."

I’ve never seen him like this, so wounded, so... lost. But I stand firm, letting tears slip but there’s no more screaming
.
No more nothing.

My voice is hoarse
when answering him. "I can't do that no more. I don't want a relationship based on lies. I won’t do it to myself. I love you Calvin. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. When I lost you, God, I went through hell and I’m still riding through it, through the aftermath that you left me with. I gave you every part of me, every last bit and you threw all of that away with you when you walked away from me. And you want me to trust you?" I stand crying silently, waiting for him to tell me something, anything but more lies. I want him to tell me he loves me, tell me the reason he finished with me, and tell me what he's keeping from me.

I stand there staring into his eyes with hope, with patience.

Nothing.

I look at him and remind myself over and over again, that I need to leave. I don’t want to leave him and I would love more than anything to spend the rest of my life with this man, spend my every last memory with him, share my everything, but I know I can’t hurt myself anymore. I can
't put myself through it again. The next time would kill me.

"Then I have no choice but to leave." I choke on my own words and see a glimpse of a tear stroll down Calvin's beautiful but beaten face, but he remains silent.

I’m screaming inside but it won't show.

I slowly walk towards him and put my hand gently on his cheek and whisper.

"I love you. I always will."

"Please Olivia, don’t go. Just trust me. I can’t lose you again."

"Will you do something for me Calvin?"

He perks up a little.
"Anything."

"Don't follow me."

He takes a step back looking haunted, clenching his fists together but says nothing. Then nods. “If that’s what you want.”

“That’s wha
t I want.” I whisper, trembling. Then I reluctantly pull myself away from him.

My chest becomes heavy as I turn my back on him. I sob so hard, trying to suppress it with my hand over my mouth so he can’t hear me.

I couldn't stand there and be hurt all over again, be lied to again. I’m doing this for me
and
him, if Mauricio finds us together again, he will kill him. I have to no choice but to stay away from him, for both our sakes.

The thought
of never being with him again rips me apart but it will have to do just that. How can we ever be together and be happy?