Confessions and Olivia (Olivia #2) (12 page)

Calvin's face is a picture of pain and sorrow. "You think this is all because of you? No baby, please don’t think that this has anything to do with you. Stop blaming yourself. Besides, I shouldn't have let it go so far."

I shake my head disagreeing. "No, I’m glad you did in a way, but I wasn't expecting all this. It's like I’ve been punished for falling in love. Is it so wrong?"

The odds have been against us the whole time and I have no explicable reason to why.

I have an overbearing urge to touch the man I’m in love with. The man who left me for an insoluble reason. The man I ache for every second of every day.

The markings covering his beautiful face and body infuriates me. How can another human being be capable of this?

I take the ice pack away from his face placing it down on the breakfast bar. I bring my other hand up to touch him and he stills. I hesitate a second more, then touch his cuts anyway. He closes his eyes in anguish, but the other half of him seeming to want my touch more. Seeing the expression on his face confuses me. I love this man deeply and I had to give him up, because he doesn’t want me, yet his face and eyes tell me something different.

What did I do wrong?

"Olivia, stop blaming yourself. I can tell that you are, but your dad...”

"He's not my dad." I snap quickly taking my hand away from his face.

He nods understanding and holds his palms up like he didn’t mean any harm. "Okay, he's not your dad your right." He then stands and walks over to the sofas to sit.

"Come sit with me. Please?"

I’m about to do as he asked because being here with him completes me in so many ways, but I can't do this to myself. Standing here looking at Calvin this way, being in his company, even for seconds, draws me completely in to him. I love that, but then I have to be dragged away again. I can’t go through that for a second time. I need to spare myself the pain.

I shake my head quickly realizing this is a bad idea. My action alarm's Calvin who watches me puzzled.

"Calvin, I just wanted to come over to see if you were Okay. I needed you to understand I had nothing to do with this. It hurts me more than you will ever realize to stay here looking at you this way. Looking at the man I’m completely in love with, knowing he doesn’t love me back. It hurts so much. I can't do it anymore. I need to go. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come."

My voice breaks. I need to go. I don’t want to, but I have to.

I turn away from him ready to leave. He follows me.

"Olivia, wait, please don't go."

"I have too."

"No you don’t." He pleads.

I don't look back. I head towards the door, but then I remember the necklace.

"Shit, wait. I found this, it belongs to you. I noticed it straight away near my car."

I dig into my pocket and pull my hand out urging him to take it quickly so I can leave.

He looks on confused until he notices what I have.

"You…you have it?" his voice is filled with reprieved anguish. The delight and vulnerability in his eyes when he spots the necklace reminds me that's he’s only human and has normal feelings. This necklace and the ring attached are a piece of his life. He needs this.

"I know how much this means to you. They must have pulled it off you when...” I shake the thought out of my head and hold out my hand willing him to take it. His face then changes, he looks at me like he looked at me the night we made love, the look I knew that was there before. Without warning Calvin pushes himself into me, knocking me back against the wall. I grasp the necklace in my hand not wanting to let go of it as his lips meet mine viciously. His desire for me
is plausible but isn’t it too late?

He winces slightly as his cut lips mold onto mine but kisses me deeply anyway, pushing himself harder into me. He’s pinning me against the wall with
his hips, needing me with hunger and determination. I need him to, more than he knows, so I kiss him back with as much desire and passion as I'm receiving. I whimper into his mouth because of how much I’ve missed this. How much I have ached for his lips to be kissing mine. How much I’ve ached for his arms to be holding me. Even if it does feel strange after months of nothing.

His hands travel roughly through my hair. I cry as he kisses me, not knowing how to exactly cope with it.

"Oh, Olivia." He murmurs when he lips quickly leave mine for air but it’s not for long.

He undoes the buttons on my coat as f
ast as he can and greedily pushes it off me. I suddenly realize where this is going. I can't do this. I want him undoubtedly but it just doesn’t feel right. Not now.

I try to push him off
but it only causes him to hold on to me even harder, pushing me back into the wall so he can position himself in-front of me to take control. He's kissing me harder than he’s ever kissed me before. Pushing his tongue in and lapping up mouth like it’s his one and only chance to have me. He won’t let go.

I jerk my chin away to release myself from his mouth but he locks his lips right onto my neck instead sending burning trails of sweet senses down my skin.
It’s hard to deny him but I have to.

"Calvin
, I can't...”  I can't do this.

"Olivia, please.” He begs continuing to delve into my skin with licks of his tongue and the irresistible torment of his mouth, ignoring my pleas. He’s trying to undress me with as much force as I am trying to keep my clothes on. He’s managed to take my coat off but I won’t allow anymore.

"Calvin, no...” I plead again but he won't relent, he gets carried away. What will happen if I carry this on? We sleep together? Then will he discard off me just like before? I won't be used again.
I can't.
I have no choice even though it pains me to do it, I have to push him away.

"Calvin stop." I shout this time making it clear and push him away by his shoulders. He looks down into my tormented eyes only then realizing the distress he’s putting me through from what
he’s doing. He lets me go loosening his grip, taking a step back.

"I can't do this Calvin, please, just take your necklace, I need to go."

I place the necklace in his hand. His eyes drift from the necklace then back to me looking injured, not quite understanding my actions.

"Why are you leaving?"

"I can't stay here with you, even though I want too... so much, but I can't put myself through any more misery and pain for you. I can't do it. That’s not what I came here for."

He runs his hands through his hair frustrated. It’s grown a bit since the last time I saw him.

"Why did you come here then?"

I pick up my coat from the floor and slip it on
in a hurry while answering him. "To see how you were, for all I knew Mauricio took you somewhere in his car and could have left you for dead."

He sco
ffs at my comment but it’s true. “I had to see if you were alright for my own piece of mind. I wanted you to know I had nothing to do with setting you up. Mauricio got my cell. I come home and the next thing I knew you were calling at my door."

He answers me enunci
ating every word with open arms. "For you Olivia, for you. I thought you needed me. I came right away. Ashton told me it was a set up but I didn’t believe him."

"Which had nothing to do with me." I point out again.

"I know that. It never once crossed my mind that you would have had anything to do with it, please don't go. Stay with me."

"Why?” I breathe, “Why do you want me to stay?"

He pauses before giving me his answer, like he’s arguing with himself in his head. "I...I need you. I didn't 'want' to realize it before, but now I do, and I can't ignore it anymore." He looks at me with his blue passionate eyes waiting for my answer.

I look at him dumfounded. "
You
need
me
? Where was you when
I
needed you? And god knows I’ve needed you more than ever these past few months. Where were
you
when I told you I loved you? You went running for the hills that's where you were. You didn’t need me five months ago! Jesus." The nerve of him!

Why is he telling me this now?
He needs me?
He doesn’t need me! I’m so angry with him so I find myself beginning to tell him everything that's on my mind. I walk towards him forcing him backwards while I point aggressively.

"You didn’t need me when I told you I loved you or when you finished with me, you were so cruel. How could you do that to me? Have you any idea how that felt?"

"Olivia, I know you’re angry but...”

"Oh pleas
e, spare me the sympathy. I was more than fucking angry. You let me beg you, beg you for fuck sake and you still left me. Now you tell me you need me? After all this time?”

He
acts like he’s trying to hold on by a thread. He seems stunned that it’s backfired. “I know how it must seem. I didn’t mean for you to get hurt I swear to you.”

My mouth drops open and I come to a standstill. “Hurt? Hurting me doesn’t even come close to how I felt, how I
still feel. But now all of a sudden you want me? Why don’t you go call Georgia? I’m sure she will be more than happy to accommodate you. You know how humiliating that was for me that night? I didn’t even know you were back then all of a sudden you’re here and with Georgia. Is that why you finished with me? To be with her?" I start to cry, cry out of built up pain and frustration and so many un-answered questions.

He spins around groaning looking up at the ceiling.
Well god isn’t going to help him now
!

“Don’t be so ridiculous. Georgia means nothing to me and she never will. I tried to call you that night, I had no idea you would be there. Your cell kept ringing and ringing.”

“Mauricio had my phone.” I tell him again trying to make that point crystal clear.

“Anyway,” he adds bemused, “this isn't about her.”

“This isn’t about her?” I breathe in astonishment. “You were with her that night, of course it is.”

Calvin hesitates before his next remark. I know it’s because he’s worried about how I'm going to react but I want to hear it.

“She was staying at my apartment because she had nowhere else to go. She called me that night saying she was in trouble but she was just being a conniving bitch. After that night I’m done with her.”

I feel sick again. Why does this women keep inconveniently popping up in his life and why does he have to take care of her?

“You let her stay here? That’s why you came back?” I whisper almost feeling the bile in my throat rising at the thought.
Calvin looks at me like I’ve gone mad.“No. M
y
apartment was empty, I said she could stay. Her fiancé kicked put her out. I came back to help her settle in and that’s when she called me that night. I made her leave as soon as I got back.”

I narrow m
y eyes at him and cross my arms. “Why does she keep popping up? What is the deal with her?”

I know there is something he’s not telling me about her. She isn’t just some ex.

Calvin sighs exasperated and smacks his hands together to make his point, but I know he’s keeping something from me.

“Nothing. There is no deal with her. Please believe me! It’s you that I want. I didn't realize what I’d lost until I actually lost you."

I roll my eyes looking away speechless. “That old saying?"

He walks towards me forcing me to uncross my arms so he can take my hands in his.

"I’m serious Olivia,” his eyes are fixed on mine, “it's been hell on earth without you. I thought I could do it, thought I could live without you, but I can't."

"And why are you telling me this now? You’ve had months to tell me. Months! I have been dying inside for you. Yet here I am and you decide to tell me now. Why so late? You left me Calvin. You were gone. I came looking for you and you were gone."

"I had to leave, I couldn’t stay around here. I couldn’t keep hurting you. I left for you. I told you before I left I would do anything to protect you and I did."

I smack his hands away from mine, he doesn’t fl
inch which means he expected it. "You left me. You broke my heart. How could that possibly have been the best for me?"

"You will never understand
how sorry I am for doing that to you. You think I wanted to hurt you?"

"Doesn’t matter if you wanted to or not, you did and that’s what counts. Why did you leave me? Tell me!"

He scratches the back of his head, I think out of nerves but I banish that idea. He doesn’t get nervous. "I knew I had gone too far when you told me you loved me, so I thought it was, at the time, the right thing to do, but now it's different. When I saw you again that night I knew I couldn’t stay away. And seeing you here now, I don't want to. I won’t.”

Something stands out of the sentence he’s just strung me. It should be that he can’t stay away from me, because hearing that is a blessing but it’s not that.

"What do you mean, you went too far?"