Arrest-Proof Yourself (40 page)

IGNORE INCITERS.
If cops lean into your space and blast you with coffee-and-stale-doughnut-breath, ignore it. If you react, you’ll get busted. Even if cops use illegal inciters like racial slurs, ignore it. The game you want to win is your freedom.

BE RESPECTFUL.
Even if you have bad manners, act like a church kid for just a few minutes. It’s worth it. The rule is “Cop a ’tude and you get screwed.”

DON’T GROVEL OR HUMILIATE YOURSELF.
Some clueless people overcompensate and act like whipped puppies in front of police. You can be polite and maintain your dignity without being disgusting.

SAY “YES, OFFICER” AND “NO, OFFICER.”
This is polite and shows respect, and will help you avoid saying “Yes, ma’am” to male officers and “Yes, sir” to female officers, which will humiliate and confuse you.

DO NOT RAISE YOUR HANDS, TOUCH THE OFFICER, TOUCH POLICE EQUIPMENT, OR ATTEMPT TO PET POLICE DOGS.
Simply raising your hands (“flailing”) is considered, in many jurisdictions, an assault on a law enforcement officer. Keep your hands at your sides. Do not reach into your pockets or bend down to reach for your ankles, which police might consider an attempt to draw a weapon.

DO NOT RUN.
Fleeing police officers is a crime. It also creates reasonable suspicion to justify hands-on contact.

OBEY COMMANDS.
If police issue commands, such as
^“
Come over here and face the car,” etc., just do it. Do not argue or question their authority.

In upcoming chapters, I’m going to cover what you say to cops, how to present them with “street creds,” and review emergency procedures like crying, throwing up, crapping your pants, etc. What you should remember from
this
chapter, though, is that when you’re at bat and the police are pitching questions, be polite, be submissive without being humiliated, and tell the truth. Even if you’re naturally snotty and obnoxious, act like a church kid for just a few minutes. If you stay free, you can go back to being your annoying self.

18

TO AVOID THE TRAGIC, USE WORDS THAT ARE MAGIC

T
his chapter teaches you words that you can say to police officers that will restrain their impulse to interrogate you and reduce opportunities for you to make a mistake and commit one of those crimes that are done in front of cops. I’m going to ask you to remember and practice some lines, but only a few. Most people are nervous in front of cops, so the words given to memorize will be the fewest possible. In a subsequent chapter I’ll provide you “creds” (credentials) to cut out and carry around with you. These have the most important words you need to say printed right on them so you can just read them.

Obviously this advice is for citizens, not crooks. If you’re stopped with a nine millimeter shoved into your waistband, a small-caliber automatic holstered on your ankle, boot knives, pockets stuffed with dope, and an overpowering reek of marijuana, just step into the cruiser and have a seat. You’re going downtown.

THE QUIZ BEGINS

When cops stop you, they summon you by saying something like, “Hey you, c’mere.” Sometimes they spice it up with something more contemporary, like “Yo, player, what’s up?” or Chicano slang such as
“Carnal, por aqui.”
All this means the same thing: “March yourself over here and face The Man.” You know from the preceding chapter what to do. Face the officers calmly, hands at sides, and make eye contact. Here’s what you say.

“Officer, have I done something wrong?
^”

These are magic words. First, they’re polite. Second, they’re submissive in the proper degree. Third, and most important, they’re a question. When you say these words, you toss the ball back to the cops. Now you’re questioning them (politely, of course). Often they will tell you why they stopped you. This will let you assess how much trouble you’re in and how to react.

Now here’s the important part. After you have spoken these magic words,
shut up!
Just stand there and let the cops talk. Do not keep talking yourself, as you will tend to babble, confuse yourself, and start to lie. Here
^’
s an example of babbling—exactly what you do not want to do: “Officer have I done something wrong? My God, I was just walking down the street minding my own business. I mean I live around here and was just going to see some guys and why are you questioning me anyhow? Don’t you have real crooks to chase? I’m not a crook. I just try to get along here, you know what I mean?”

The technique of responding to police questions is to give them the basic information they ask for truthfully and briefly. Emphasis on briefly.
Do not volunteer information
. This will stimulate follow-ups, verification questions, and requests for information that can be checked by computer.

THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT

You have the right to remain silent. It is not a crime not to talk to police. However, if you have not committed a crime at the time of the stop, I advise you to answer routine questions. Do not assert your right to remain silent because you’re annoyed and want to show the cops you have rights. They already know this. Remember, in the preceding chapter I advised you to
lose
the psychological contest so you can
win
the custody contest and stay free. So what do you tell them?

your name and address

the names of your parents or guardian