Arrest-Proof Yourself (44 page)

Unless the pills are stamped “aspirin” or are obviously over-the-counter medicines, the officers will assume the tablets are prescription drugs and will arrest you for unlawful possession. Most people find it awkward to carry the orange plastic bottles, so they stuff their drugs in plastic bags and pill dispensers. When you do this, you must carry at least a photocopy of the prescription with you. You will have to make this photocopy
before
you hand the prescription to the pharmacist. These laws apply to all prescription medications, even such routine meds as birth control pills and blood pressure reducers.

Illegal possession of prescription drugs is not a serious crime, but it’s enough to get you arrested, and it’s a dandy add-on charge.

The new horror story is the mind-altering drugs prescribed for children on the recommendation of school counselors, psychologists, and other devils. These drugs are generally tranquilizers, like Valium, or amphetamine-based stimulants, like Ritalin.
All these kiddie pills are, without exception, scheduled narcotics with highly restricted distribution
. All of these pills will calm kids but get adults high. All have high street value for illegal resale. These pills are prescribed for kids who lose them, sell them, and forget about them. Even if your child does not take prescription drugs, his or her friends may leave their pills in your car.
You
are the one who will get busted. Keep a sharp eye on what’s in kids’ pockets and purses when they’re in your home or car. Periodically search your vehicle and remove any pills you find.

Remember the movie
The Wizard of Oz
? At the end, Dorothy taps her shoes together and says the magic words, “There’s no place like home,” and the words send her whirling back to safety in Kansas. I want you to repeat similar magic words, which will keep you in safety. Repeat about a thousand times:

Keep your dope at home.
Keep your dope at home.
Keep your dope at home.
Keep your dope at home.
Keep your dope at home.

Got it?

21

EMERGENCY PROCEDURES

E
mergency last-ditch procedures help you avoid arrest when all else fails. These will work only if you have been accused of a
minor
offense, such as possession of small amounts of drugs, disorderly conduct, trespassing, etc. If you have acted out, touched or hit a police officer, lied, or fled, it is unlikely that any of these procedures will help.

ASK FOR A NOTICE TO APPEAR

Most people are aware of notices to appear only when they encounter them in the form of traffic citations, where the police explain that “you’ve got to go to court with this ticket.” Few outside the criminal justice system know that police can issue notices to appear, also called penal citations, for all sorts of offenses, including possession of small amounts of illegal drugs.

A notice to appear requires that you go to court, where a judge will decide your guilt or innocence. However, with a notice to appear, you do
not
get arrested, fingerprinted, photographed, and logged onto the electronic plantation at that moment. Once you sign the citation, you will be set free. Please note: Signing the citation merely indicates that you have received the citation. It is
not
an admission of guilt. So sign the blasted thing. A police officer is doing you a huge favor by giving you a notice to appear and giving up the opportunity to arrest you.

To get a notice to appear, begging and pleading are in order. Tell the officer one or more of the following when applicable. At all times be truthful. One lie at this point will send you to the slammer.

You are not a hardened criminal.

You have never been arrested before.

An arrest will make it difficult for you to get a good job.

An arrest might get you fired from your job or suspended from school.

You have children and family who need you.

Remember that if you have been arrested before or have an outstanding warrant, the police officers will know it because they will have checked on their police car computer. Do not lie about prior arrests.

If you are fortunate enough to receive a notice to appear and not get arrested, you now have a second chance. You have time to get yourself together, get a lawyer, dress in your Sunday best, trim your outrageous hair, and
look
like a citizen in court. If you are able to hire an attorney, he or she will do the talking, so you won’t get confused, act out, or get into trouble because you do not speak English well or cannot understand the proceedings. Not for nothing are lawyers called mouthpieces.

WAKE UP. DRESS UP. SHOW UP.

You must, however, attend your hearing. Nothing short of a serious, well-documented illness will get you excused.
Do not be late
. If you have only a vague grasp of calendars and time, ask your friends or your attorney to help by calling you hours before the hearing. Arrange transportation in advance. If you drive your car, allow plenty of time for parking, which is always difficult to find near big-city courthouses. Bring money for parking and food. Wash, brush your teeth, and use deodorant and mouthwash. Do
not
get wasted before the hearing. The merest whiff of marijuana, booze, or beer will get you hammered for public intoxication. The courtroom is full of police officers and bailiffs who can arrest you on the spot.

Judges have extraordinary power and discretion in their courtrooms. They are extremely offended by defendants who do not appear, and will immediately issue a bench warrant for your arrest if you skip. When you fail to appear, here’s what happens.

You commit a crime, often more serious than the one for which you were originally charged.

You have an outstanding warrant, which will show on every police computer in America.

You will be arrested, and you will have a difficult time being set free on bail.