Arrest-Proof Yourself (43 page)

20

THERE AIN’T NO HOPE WHEN YOU CARRY DOPE

H
ere’s some of the best legal advice I can give you:
Keep your dope at home
. That’s it. Keep the magic herb—and any other illegal substance you feel compelled to ingest—indoors where police cannot
see
you,
search
you, and
seize
you without a warrant. Private homes are among the few areas that governments believe are sacred. Take advantage of this legal protection to stay out of jail.

Please note that I never advocate or condone illegal activity. I believe with all my heart that doing drugs is stupid and dangerous. I am a realist, however, and expect that people will continue to mess with this stuff regardless of what I or anyone else says. I will not give my opinion here on the question of whether to legalize marijuana. All you need to know is that, right now, possessing weed is illegal and is by far the most common offense that will get you arrested and tossed onto the plantations.

If that doesn’t persuade you, take a tip from the drug cartel—the big boys, not the schlubs who sit on street corners with a bag under a brick. Big-time dope dealers import, transport, warehouse, distribute, and finance drugs. What they
don’t
do is stay in physical proximity to the drugs any more than is absolutely necessary. The dope is always in buildings and vehicles that cannot be legally connected to the dealer. It is handled by underlings who take the rap during police raids. The big guys keep their cars immaculate, street legal, and drug free. Take a tip from the drug kings. They know.

If you’re wasted at this moment, put your head under the shower, take two aspirin, and have some strong coffee. You need to be awake for the advice that follows.

Get wasted at your home or your friends
^’
homes. On the streets cops are kings, and dope provides the easiest way for them to bust you.

If you live in a highly clueless situation where family and friends will smoke or sell your dope while you’re out, you’ll have to devote some sober hours to the problem of hiding your stash. There are books on the subject, but the essential technique involves hollowing out bedposts, lamps, soap bars, books, and so forth as dope depositories. Do this at once. It’s work, but less work than getting out of jail.

Do not buy your dope on the street, where police can see you.

Do not allow dope dealers to make deliveries to your door, as they are often surveilled by police. Some dealers are confidential informants (snitches).

Always pay your dope dealer so he will not bounce the fat end of a baseball bat off your head or knees.

Do not buy dope at houses or apartments where the stuff is handed out of a window like fast food. These are often police stings.

Your friends
will leave
their dope in your car. You will, too, when you’re stoned. When sober, clean out the ashtray and thoroughly search under seats, in the glove compartment, and in the trunk. Remove all pills, rocks, weed, and paraphernalia that you or your friends have deposited in your vehicle. See the next section for detailed instructions.

Here’s how you smoke dope so as to minimize your chances of getting arrested. Basically, when you’re at your friends’ houses, you smoke their dope. When they’re at your house, they smoke your dope. Try to balance it out. Take care to shut the windows and doors while toking those joints and sucking on those bongs. Neighbors will call cops when they smell the stuff. In many states, if police approach the house and catch a whiff, they have probable cause to enter the house and make arrests without warrants. A good alternative to smoking at all is to take a hint from the ’60’s-era hippies and
eat the stuff
. Mix weed with cookie dough, bake it, and toss it down the hatch. You’ll mellow out without the smell and the lung damage. In all cases, avoid having marijuana in your possession when you’re on the street or in a car where police can
see
you,
search
you, and
seize
you.

Finally, never use dope and drive. DUI means driving under the influence of any substance that would impair your ability to operate a motor vehicle.

This advice sounds cynical, but it’s merely practical. The philosophy of this book is that people ought to be able to do a few stupid things in life without getting arrested, dumped in jail, and consigned to the plantations. Most people smoke dope during wayward youth, but years ago the police dragnet was not nearly so thorough as it is today. The World Wide Web and the electronic plantation did not exist. So older generations survived to grow into reasonably sober, lawful, and productive adults. I want you to do likewise by staying free until you wise up, which is to say, until you cease to be a dope(r).

PRESCRIPTION DRUGS AND KIDDIE NARCOTICS

Very few people are aware that it is often illegal to possess prescription medicines
unless you also carry the written prescription with you or keep the pills in the orange plastic container, which contains the prescription on the label
. Pharmacists and physicians are horribly remiss in failing to inform patients of these laws, which exist in many states.