Read The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups Online
Authors: Harry Fisch,Karen Moline
Tags: #Self-Help, #Sexual Instruction, #Health & Fitness, #Sexuality
The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups (28 page)
Now that you have some strategies for bringing desire into your relationship, take a look at these “he said, she said” conversations. If these couples remind you of yourself and your partner, try my advice to make your relationship stronger.
Tommy and Elaine are both twenty-nine and have been married for three years. They didn’t have much of a sexual relationship before they were married, and it’s not going well now. The reason is simple: Tommy doesn’t know much about what a marriage really means. He is so intent on getting his own needs met that their sexual relationship is completely lopsided. Elaine feels used and frustrated especially because the sex is over so quickly that she rarely has an orgasm.
Tommy
: I work hard all day, and I want to be serviced as soon as I get home.
Elaine
: You hear that? He said
serviced
. I’m not a freaking car!
Tommy
: Oh come on, you know what I mean. I just want to have sex when I want to have sex. That’s why I got married.
Elaine
: You’re crazy. I’m not your slave.
Tommy
: I never said you were. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Elaine
: It’s just about what you want. What about me?
Their pattern:
Tommy is extremely immature about relationships—so clueless, obviously, that he thought he was marrying a sex slave. He just wanted sex without any emotional contact—and
felt entitled to it. He thought by pouncing on Elaine as soon as he walked in the door, he was making his desire clear. He is in desperate need of sex education and relationship education to explain what being part of a couple means. He’s so fixated on getting his desire met that he doesn’t realize that his wife is entitled to her own desires, too.
My advice:
First off, Tommy needs to understand that marriage isn’t just about showing up and demanding sex. It’s about growing together and maintaining an emotional connection. Elaine needed to find a way to tell Tommy to slow down in bed and to help him open up emotionally so they can strengthen their love for each other. I asked her what she wanted Tommy to do in bed, and to be very specific.
Elaine
: It’s not about him. I want more foreplay.
Tommy
: What did you just say?
Elaine
: Foreplay. You know. You get home and you kiss me for about thirty seconds, and then you’re all ready to go. I need you to get down there and help me out for a few minutes because you know it takes me longer.
Tommy
: Really?
Elaine
: Yes, really.
Tommy
: Oh, I didn’t know that’s what you wanted.
When I heard that, I explained that foreplay is crucial for women, but it isn’t just about sexual stimulation. It’s about making your partner feel loved and cared about. “I want you to put the dishes in the dishwasher or do some other chores around the house that you know Elaine doesn’t like to do,” I told Tommy.
“I want you to show her how much you care. Text her during the day. Ask if she wants a little drink before sex. Give her a massage first, before you’ve taken all your clothes off. Ask her what she wants you to do. Allow her to guide your fingers. And realize that sex is not going to be a two-minute sprint to the finish line anymore. Have fun together. Try lots of new positions. Take your time and really learn how to enjoy each other’s bodies.”
Tommy’s eyes lit up when he heard this, and Elaine blushed and smiled. I wondered if Tommy would be able to expand his sexual repertoire from wham-bam to expert, and was gratified to find out that he quickly learned how to slow down, to become a better lover, and to make Elaine feel valued and cherished. In other words, he grew up once he changed his notions of what marriage meant and became a true partner to his wife.
Lewis and Carmen have been married for eight years and have two young children. He’s thirty-nine and she’s thirty-five. They both love each other deeply, but something is shifting in their marriage, which they regard as strong and committed and for life. What’s shifted is the frequency and urgency of their sex life.
They had sex as often as five to six times a week when they were engaged and during their first year as a married couple, but it’s gradually been diminishing to something that’s more routine than exciting. It bothers them both. But they admit that they never talked about their sexual needs or desires when they were courting, or even after the wedding. They just did it. They need to get the spark and desire back into their sex life, pronto.
Lewis
: My emotional connection to sex has diminished. So has how often we do it.
Carmen
: I noticed it, too, starting around our first wedding anniversary.
Lewis
: We weren’t as spontaneous.
Carmen
: I didn’t want to have it as much, either.
Lewis
: Then she got pregnant, and her morning sickness was so bad that our sex life practically disappeared.
Carmen
: And when the baby was born, we were so tired we didn’t think about it.
Lewis
: Yeah, and nothing much changed after we had the second baby.
Carmen
: So here we are.
Lewis
: For me, it’s more like a biological urge that needs to be taken care of, and for women it’s much more connected to their emotions.
Carmen
: Sometimes I feel that Lewis just wants to do it and get it over with, so he forgets to connect with me first. That just makes me feel like he’s not interested in me or my body or my needs.
Their pattern:
Like many married couples, what was once a wholly satisfying sex life has dwindled to infrequent forays that leave both partners dissatisfied and frustrated. But instead of talking frankly to each other, Lewis and Carmen remained silent. Their love was clear, but their communication skills were not.
My advice:
I can tell they have a strong and loving marriage because they literally finish each other’s thoughts. They might be having a rough patch sexually, but they are in complete emotional
sync, and that is a terrific sign for them being able to work this out. Also, they both know that sexual intimacy is one of the most important aspects of a healthy sexual relationship. So is being able to express their sexual needs and desires, and that’s what’s tripping them up right now.
What I suggest they both do is be honest about what they want sexually. Use the “Five Things I Desire” list on
page 238
to tell each other what they love about each other—and what they’d like to do and have done to each other. They can compare notes and take it from there. A certain amount of compromising might be needed at first—if, for example, Lewis wants sex four times a week and Carmen wants it less while they’re working things through, perhaps they can settle on twice a week—but they should be able to come up with a mutually satisfying solution.
Then they can start using the suggestions in the “Act on Your Desires” list earlier in this lesson, on
page 239
. That ought to up the desire level on a daily basis.
Lewis and Carmen also need to realize that talking frankly about sex and your sexual needs is completely normal and healthy. They learned the hard way that even if you had a lot of sex when you were dating or in the first year of your marriage, if you don’t make a conscious effort to discuss sex when you can, it almost becomes a taboo topic. And then the act becomes taboo in the bedroom. That’s the last thing you want it to be!
Finally, they should try to set up date nights and only cancel them for true emergencies. I know how hard it can be to get out of the house when a couple has small children, but they need alone time as a couple to re-energize their desire for each other. I have no doubt that Carmen and Lewis’s palpable love for each
other will only get stronger as their intimacy deepens and they rediscover how much satisfying fun it is to have a great sex life.
Dear Dr. Fisch: My Girlfriend’s a Dominatrix
Dear Dr. Fisch,
I’m forty-seven and my girlfriend, Vicky, is nineteen. She wants to be a model or an actress, and she has a smoking hot body if I do say so. We just moved and I’m having trouble finding work, so I’m depressed and frustrated. It’s hard to get motivated. Vicky has a lot more energy, I have to say, and she’s working as a dominatrix so we can make ends meet. Sometimes we get into some heavy kinds of drugs, especially during sex. Vicky is starting to tell me she loves me, but she’s worried that this relationship is too wild to last. What do you think?
Signed, Getting Out of Control
Dear Getting Out of Control,
I hate to be blunt, but Vicky is right. I’m worried that there is a fundamental incompatibility here, and not only because of the age difference. Vicky is employed as a dominatrix, which makes her a professional sex worker in the kink-fetish community. Being a dominatrix doesn’t involve having actual sex with her clients, but it’s not a healthy profession, and obviously you’re not feeling comfortable with it, either. She should be focusing on what both of you want to be doing with the rest of your lives.
If she is serious about acting and modeling, she should take classes and go on auditions and pursue those dreams, instead of expending her energy on unhealthy habits. I’m sure she wants a better life—and you want a better life for her. So do I. But I’ll bet her comments to you are an indication that she’s pretty much given up on having a future together with you.
It’s also way past time for you to address your issues directly, especially your depression. Taking drugs is no way to deal with feelings of inadequacy and unhappiness, and will only lead to more serious problems down the road. All that does is help you avoid dealing with what you know needs to be dealt with, or worse (like ruining your health or getting you arrested).
It’s vital that you focus now on getting a job and getting out of the house to lift your spirits and give you some clarity and direction in your life. I also recommend you explore why you feel you need to have a sexual relationship with someone who is so much younger than you. I talk to lots of men your age who have very young girlfriends or mistresses, but for most of them, the relationship is predicated on how much money and “security” the man can offer the younger woman. Clearly that’s not the case for you.
The real issue here may be that your relationship has run its course, and now it’s time for both of you to move on. Neither one of you sounds happy with your current situation, so sit down with Vicky and have a reality-check conversation. If a relationship
isn’t working, trying to force it won’t fix things.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t be friends or support each other anymore. In fact, you might find that your age difference will make you better friends than lovers in the long run, which can be a healthy and satisfying relationship. So you both need to take an adult step toward a life that makes both of you happy, even if this means parting ways.
NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING…
Now that you’ve finished your sex education course and know what can go wrong and how to fix it, you can refer to this handy cheat sheet, which covers what your guy needs to know. It’s perfect for his short attention span and perfect for you to catch any problems on the run and solve them quickly.
If he has any of these common sexual dysfunctions, explain to him that he needs to get help for them. Resolving them will spice up your sex life. Ask him gently:
□
Are you overweight, especially with a big belly? Is your height more than double your waist size? Can you see your penis?
□
Are your testicles small, like the size of small cherries?
□
Are you getting less than six hours of sleep every night?
□
Are you drinking too much alcohol, more than two drinks per day?
□
Are you feeling depressed or unusually stressed?
□
Do you have trouble with regular erections, especially getting or maintaining them?
□
Are you ejaculating too quickly?
□
Or are you having problems ejaculating at all? (Tell him you’ll love him no matter what the answer!)
□
Are you having sex less than your wife wants you to?
□
Are you masturbating more than you’re having sex?
□
Would you rather watch porn than just about anything else, including spending time with your partner?
The heart of good communication and of maintaining a loving emotional relationship is with LSD = Listening + Security + Desire. If you can nail that, you can nail a fantastic sex life.
□
Are you a good listener? If not, listen to your partner and shut the fuck up. Let her finish talking and then look her in the eyes and acknowledge that you’ve heard what she said.
□
Don’t fix anything she doesn’t tell you she wants fixed.
□
Make sure you provide for your partner financially. This doesn’t mean you need to make a lot of money. It means that she has the confidence she needs that you will be able to provide for her in every possible way.
□
Show her how much you desire her.
□
Always make her feel that your relationship is more about her than about you.
When you do that, I guarantee you’ll be happy, in bed and out. And so will she. Good luck to you both and, most importantly, have fun.
Abt Associates Inc. “Final Report on the Evaluation of the First Offender Prostitution Program.” Prepared for Karen Bachar, Office of Research and Evaluation, National Institute of Justice, March 7, 2008.
American Psychiatric Association.
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
, 4th ed., text revision. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association, 2000.