The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups (25 page)

We all get stressed. It’s part of life. But when you’re superstressed and exhausted, your sex life can suffer. Some people find that having lots of sex can help them manage their stress, because concentrating on giving and receiving pleasure can temporarily minimize other worries. Others find it impossible to relax or even be touched when they’re stressed. If you want a lot of sex and your partner doesn’t want any that could create
even more stress. Clearly, some compromising is going to have to happen.

It’s crucial that every couple incorporate stress-busters into their regular routine, together or separately. Find something you love—that makes you feel good and can help you relax or unwind—and do it. For me, that’s playing tennis. Hitting the ball for hours helps the tension melt away. Indeed, exercise is one of the most effective stress-busters there is. Try working out on your own, or plan hikes or runs or bike rides together.

See if you can develop hobbies, too. I have friends who love to garden. They’re both outside, working toward the common goal of making their garden more beautiful, but engaged in different tasks at the same time. The time is brilliantly well-spent where they’re doing something they both adore, each in their own way.

Some people need to manage their stress on their own. They like to take long baths or go for solitary walks or play solitaire or read a book. You aren’t being selfish if you need to take care of yourself! Everyone needs their own space so they can recharge their batteries. The less stress you have—and the more your partner encourages your stress-busting—the more likely you’ll be in a relaxed and happy mood and ready for sex.

When Juliet called in to my radio show, I could immediately hear the frustration in her voice.

“My boyfriend is going to propose,” she said, “and I know he got the ring already. But I don’t want to marry him.”

“Why don’t you want to marry him? What kind of work does he do?” I asked. I had an intuitive flash about what her answer
would be. There are many reasons not to want to get married, of course, but I had a feeling about what she was about to say.

“Oh, he’s not working right now.”

Boom! There you have it. He wasn’t working, and Juliet was internally telling herself, “You know what? You can do better. You need someone who can take care of you the way you know you can take care of him.”

Her boyfriend wasn’t going to be able to help her live in the kind of nest she needed, so she wanted out.

One of my frequent tennis partners is in the same sort of situation. He’s a highly paid, high-powered executive who’d been working all his life. But with the current economy, he lost his job a year ago and is really depressed. How is he dealing with this situation? By playing more tennis. Sure, it helps with his frustration and anxiety and gives him something to focus on, but his wife is ready to throttle him. She doesn’t care if he plays a lot of tennis—but
only
after he’s spent most of his time networking or pounding the pavement in search of work.

Not surprisingly, their sex life is nonexistent.

He’s too stuck in frustration and depression to be able to perform, and she’s too stuck in frustration and anger to have any desire for him.

From the gist of my conversation with Juliet, she clearly wasn’t expecting her boyfriend to be a power player, and having a lot of money wasn’t the most important factor in her getting married. Nor is my friend’s frustrated wife going to kick him out of the house and demand a divorce. The point of these stories is not whether you have a good job or none at all. It’s that you need to put in the
effort
to make your partner feel secure.

An analogy I like to use is about birds making their nests. Birds are biologically programmed to work together on a shared goal. Without a sturdy nest that took time and energy to build properly, that’s safe from predators and lined with twigs and leaves and feathers so future generations can grow, the eggs won’t be safe enough to hatch and thrive.

Similarly, you need the basic tools to make a nest for your family. That’s where the enduring image of the white picket fence enclosing a home of your own comes from. People want security, so it’s important for you as a couple to create a comfortable environment together that’s your special haven. It doesn’t have to be the bedroom—it can be the living room or even the kitchen, as long as it’s a place that makes you feel secure.

This doesn’t mean that you need an enormous amount of money to feel secure. What you need is confidence in your relationship so you can create your own safe haven together, one where you can shut the door to the outside world and feel secure in your love for each other in the nest you’re building. That way, no matter what hits you in life, you have the strength of each other to see you through.

As long as you can talk openly about money and desire!

Now that you have some strategies for bringing security into your relationship, take a look at these “he said, she said” conversations. They’ll give you a good sense of what to watch out for.

Carter is twenty-six and just out of the military. Despite his service, he’s having trouble landing a full-time job in this economy,
so he’s been playing a lot of basketball with a semi-professional team. His wife, Carolina, knows how hard it is to find work, but she’s still getting fed up. Although they’ve only been married for a few years and spent much of that time apart, she’s already thinking about divorce.

Their pattern:
Carolina made her need for her nest very clear. She’s worried about money. Carter seems a bit lost since he got out of the military, and he’s avoiding the issue of finding work by hoping someone on his team will help him out.

My advice:
Carter needs to understand how important it is for his wife to feel secure in their home and in the future they are going to create together. She needs to see concrete action from him that shows he can provide for her. That’s the only way she’ll be able to respect and trust him.

I understand that he’s putting all his energy into playing basketball in hope that this will turn into a career someday, but frankly those dreams are unrealistic and, at this stage in his life, quite impractical. It’s time for him to grow up and move on. He has a wife and a marriage and more responsibilities. Even if nothing comes his way at first, he needs to make the effort and start pounding the pavement.

First, he should sit down and strategize with Carolina about
where to look and what kind of jobs might suit him. Perhaps, for example, he could use his physical prowess to become an athletic coach or trainer. He could see if there are courses he can take to become accredited and certified.

Once Carolina sees how serious he is about looking for work, she will stop threatening to leave. As soon as Carter gets work, he will be providing for them financially, and he’ll be making her feel a lot happier in their relationship.

Donnie’s fiancée is a kindergarten teacher, and she can’t seem to leave the classroom behind when she leaves work. She tends to treat Donnie like one of her students, and he feels diminished, patronized, and insecure about his role as the adult male in their relationship. (This may sound familiar—we looked at a similar example earlier with Connor and Emily.)

Kara doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong, but Donnie is having trouble reaching orgasm during sex, mainly because he masturbates so much because it gives him some measure of control. Kara has no idea how much self-stimulation goes on when she’s out of the house or asleep.

Their pattern:
Kara has no idea how emasculated Donnie feels because he thinks she treats him like a kid. She tells him what to do and he does it, but until now, he hasn’t spoken up about his frustration and insecurity.

My advice:
This is a couple that has real problems communicating. Until now, Donnie hasn’t been able to voice his feelings, and this has created a big issue for them in the bedroom. He can’t take the initiative because Kara is always telling him what to do, and she is completely unaware of what’s going on.

To make matters worse, Donnie has become a chronic masturbator, which makes it difficult for him to be aroused by Kara. This is a classic example of retarded ejaculation, and it’s a dangerous path for their relationship.

None of this is a good sign for their upcoming marriage. Donnie needs to man up and tell Kara how he feels. She’s not a mind reader, and if she thought their sex life was fine when it wasn’t, she has to be told. They need to clear some time and have a long, honest talk about what needs to change to make things work. They should make a five-things list, each writing down five things they love about each other and the five things they’d like to change.

Donnie’s list should include how he feels when Kara treats him like a kindergarten student. In addition, as embarrassing as this might be, he need to tell her about his masturbation habit. That’s the kind of secret that can end a relationship, especially for a couple planning a life together. By dealing with these issues now, they can start their marriage on a trusting note of honesty and openness about sharing, which should serve them well over their lifetime together. Kara will be able to keep her teaching in
the classroom, and Donnie will feel stronger in his masculinity and his ability to make her happy in bed.

Michael and Emily have been married for nearly thirty years, and their children are grown and out of the house. Emily is going through menopause and is having a tough time. She’s gained a lot of weight, and that embarrasses her. Worse, she’s not interested in sex, even saying that it hurts, and it’s tearing her marriage apart.

Michael has gotten so frustrated that he cheated on Emily several times. He still loves Emily very much and knows that her avoidance of sex is no excuse for having affairs. He feels deeply contrite and wants to repair their marriage. But he doesn’t know if that’s possible when Emily refuses to have sex.

Their pattern:
This is a tough situation. They clearly care about each other deeply, but they’re at an impasse. Emily is stuck in denial and incapable of compromise. Michael wants to do the right thing but is suffering from severe sexual (and emotional) frustration. They have the same conversation over and over, but unless Emily deals with her issues, she’s going to keep pushing Michael away—and she knows it.

My advice:
Michael and Emily are being tested in every way possible. This marriage has hit a rough patch, one that is common for couples when physical changes create emotional changes.

Emily needs to have a thorough checkup with her gynecologist to explore whether any physical reasons would explain why sex is no longer enjoyable for her, and especially why it hurts her. Her hormonal levels have dropped considerably, and she might be a candidate for hormone replacement therapy that could improve her libido. Or, it’s possible that she has a bladder that has prolapsed (fallen out of its normal position).

Most of all, she needs to be told by her gynecologist that many, if not most, women are able to maintain an active sex life while going through menopause. It may require some adjustments, such as using a good-quality lubricant or finding sexual positions that allow women to be more fully satisfied.

She should also find a fitness program, including strength training that will help her lose weight, tone her muscles, and feel better about her body. The changes she’s undergone are not uncommon. But Emily can’t fix her sex life if she remains stuck in denial about her physical and emotional health.

Michael needs to acknowledge how painful his affairs have been for Emily, even if she’s blaming herself. Her doing that is
clear evidence of how full-blown her insecurities are. There’s a real issue of trust, and he will help Emily greatly if he promises to be faithful while they both work through this hard time. If what he really wants is to have sex more often with her, he’ll need to be patient and stand by her while she takes the steps she needs to get better. This may take a lot of time and love, and he needs to decide if he’s willing to be there for her (and be temporarily sexually frustrated) or not.

Fortunately, they clearly still love each other very much, but restoring intimacy in this context is going to take a major effort at communication. I think they would hugely benefit from seeing a couples’ therapist who could help them both better understand each other and the barriers that may exist to physical and emotional closeness.