The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups (24 page)

You can be a billionaire who never needs to worry about money for the rest of your life, but if you are insecure about your health, all the houses and cars and safety deposit boxes don’t mean much.

I see proof of this every day in my office. The rich and powerful men who need my attention to their health issues come with their (metaphorical) shields raised and armor on. They leave in a very different emotional state. One extremely well-known CEO with a particularly fearsome reputation started crying during one
of our appointments. He was having a terrible time worrying about whether he had a serious, even lethal illness, and he had no one he could confide in. His tears were warranted.

“Did you ever see a CEO cry before?” he asked as he wiped his eyes.

“I see it all the time,” I told him.

He smiled weakly, and I could see some of the tension leave his body. For once in his life, he was glad to share the spotlight, as it were. I couldn’t tell him how many men like him had sat in that chair opposite me, many of them titans of industry on the outside and scared, sad, and lonely men in my office. If men like him were truly secure, they wouldn’t be CEOs—because in their world, they can’t show emotional weakness, even though they’re often driven by “I’ll show you!” insecurities.

You know the type—has to be on top, has to be acknowledged as powerful, has to win at all costs, has to be ruthless along the way. They’re brilliant at their jobs but insecure about something important—friendships, family, health, hair, physical appearance—because all their energy has been directed toward work goals, not personal ones. Titans of industry are often emotionally stunted beneath their Masters of the Universe veneer.

Why did this super-powerful man let his guard down enough to become so emotional in such a short time? Because I made him feel secure in my office. He knew no one else in his life—not even his wife—would listen to him without judgment. It made me wonder if he had a satisfying sex life. He probably didn’t. And that gets back to my point that true security isn’t just about a lot of zeroes in the bank. It’s about trust and openness. And he had none.

Psychologist Abraham Maslow knew all about the need for trust and security. He developed a theory that he wrote about in a 1943 paper titled “A Theory of Human Motivation” (and later expanded into the book
Motivation and Personality
). Although he never used a pyramid himself to highlight his ideas, what he wrote about human needs struck such a nerve that it has become extremely well-known in pyramid form.

According to Maslow, human beings can only feel secure when their needs are met, and his hierarchy ranked these needs into five categories. At the bottom of the pyramid is the most fundamental security need, physical survival, followed by safety (these days, those would be personal and financial security, safety nets for hard times, and health and wellness security), and then belonging (to a community, to a family, and with a partner). After that comes self-esteem (which is where a career giving you satisfaction fits in)
and finally self-actualization (being most yourself and your most creative) at the top.

It may be an older model, but it still resonates, and I use it with most of my patients. I know that if they aren’t getting their basic needs met—and great sex certainly falls into this category!—they aren’t going to feel secure. Some of them (usually high-powered titans of industry) look at me blankly when I mention that self-actualization is really about giving back, and that can only happen when you’re feeling secure about all other aspects of your life. Women, on the other hand, usually get it right away.

I explain that you need to be grounded in the four bottom levels of needs before anything else can happen in your life. If you don’t have a home or a good job, for example, you will need to expend all of your energy on finding one, and you won’t have a lot of energy left over for other pursuits. Once you’ve established the basics, though, you can move up the pyramid.

Once you reach the top, you can not only develop your creative fulfillment, but also spend time giving back. Not just with money or time, but with everything you do. A person whose needs have been met and who is wholly secure is usually a person who wants to be giving, present, and loving for others.

This notion was proven by researchers at the University of Virginia, who conducted a study which involved more than 1,400 heterosexual couples between the ages of eighteen and forty-six. The researchers discovered that couples who reported a high level of generosity in their relationship—the amount of giving, whether emotional or shared chores or just taking care of the daily running of the household—were five times more likely to say they have a “very happy” marriage and a high level of sexual satisfaction.

“What happens outside of the bedroom seems to matter a great deal in predicting how happy husbands and wives are with what happens in the bedroom,” noted W. Bradford Wilcox, associate professor of sociology at the University of Virginia and one of the study researchers.

Giving back pays forward in countless ways. It makes you feel better about yourself, which makes you happier, which makes you feel more secure about who you are, which gives you confidence, which makes you feel more attractive, which attracts like-minded people to you, which makes you even happier… Well, you see where I’m going with this!

So let me bring the need for security and this concept of generosity back to sex.

You can ensure your sexual security—and your relationship happiness—by following these infallible rules.

• No judgments. Being judgmental is the kiss of death when you or your partner needs to feel secure. If you are critical of your loved ones, especially when they’re feeling blue or vulnerable, they’re less likely to open up, and their insecurities will deepen.
  

• You have to take risks, because opening up your heart makes you vulnerable. Falling in love is risky because you can get hurt. But you have to make yourself vulnerable to have a great relationship. Taking your clothes off and lying
  there naked in bed is awfully vulnerable, right? Even more so when you open up emotionally. But when you trust your partner and are secure in each other’s love, the risks start to seem much less risky. The only way for this to happen is to take those risks in the first place.
  

• In the bedroom, make sure your partner is pleased first. When you both get into bed with that attitude, you’ll be in perfect harmony because you’ll both be striving for the same goal. You don’t always have to be on top, but it’s all right for you to take the lead once in a while.
  

• You might not have spontaneous orgasms, but that’s not the point. The point is that if you always want to make your partner feel good first, he or she will know it and want to please you back. You will know he wants to do that, which will make you happy and relaxed. And then you have even better sex. It’s a lot easier than you think!
  

• Be a good listener. You already learned how to do that in
  Lesson 5
  . Make sure your partner has his ears open, too!
  

• Acknowledge your partner’s desires, and be certain he does the same. (You’ll learn more about this in
  Lesson 7
  .)
  

• If you spend too much time worrying about what other people are thinking, you’ll be so insecure about yourself that you won’t be able to receive love as you are giving it. Most people aren’t thinking what
  you’re
  thinking about you! (Believe me, your partner is not thinking about the size of your thighs when you’ve got him all hot and bothered in bed.)
  

• Don’t hold on to anger or frustration. If you go to bed nursing a grudge, you’re not going to relax and enjoy having sex—and your partner is going to sense how you feel and respond with insecurity. Think of what British diplomat Harold Nicholson wisely said: “I think the secret of a successful marriage is the capacity to treat disasters as if they were incidents and not to magnify incidents into disasters.” Try to live by those words, even when you want to throttle your partner!
  

It can take only a few words to build up your sense of security, and just as many to break it down in a flash.

I was at a dinner in a restaurant once, and the man at the next table had a very loud and booming voice. He also had a very loud and booming attitude.

“I’m so good-looking,” said this egomaniac, “that I can get any woman in this place to go to bed with me.”

I’m not kidding. He really said that. Is a man like that ever going to make a woman feel secure? Of course not. These emotional characteristics are guaranteed security killers.

We all mess up when we don’t really mean to, especially when we’re with our partners. As I mentioned earlier, some of the most difficult feelings to manage are when we’re:

• Judgmental:
  “You’re wearing that?” “I can’t believe you think that is so great. It really stinks.”
  

• Dismissive:
  “Of course you wouldn’t understand.” “Whatever you say.”
  

• Superior:
  “I started driving before you did, so don’t tell me how to park.” “I didn’t think you knew that word.”
  

• Ego-driven:
  “I know I’m the best at this.” “She’ll never be as smart as me.”
  

• Uncaring:
  “So sorry, I have to be somewhere else.” “It’s not my problem that I’m always late.”
  

Because it’s only human nature to slip up, be aware if you have the tendency to act with any of these attitudes. Instead, strive to do the opposite, and be:

• Nonjudgmental:
  “I love the way you look.” “I don’t agree with your opinion, but I understand your reasons for it.”
  

• Embracing:
  “You always have a distinctive spin on everything.” “Tell me your ideas about this. I really want to know.”
  

• Supportive:
  “You’re a lot better at doing that than you think you are.” “You’re always there for me.”
  

• Ego-appropriate:
  “I know I’m good at what I do because I’ve worked hard at it.” “I do the best I can.”
  

• Caring:
  “Tell me what you need. How can I help you?” “I really do love you.”