The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups (27 page)

“All right, Alice, is that okay?” I asked.

“Yes. I could dress up.”

“You
would
?” Joe practically keeled over in shock. He’d never thought to ask!

“Well, what do you want to dress up in?” I continued. “How about a nurse’s outfit?”

“Oh, I could do that,” Alice said, a coy smile teasing at the corner of her lips. “In fact, I can do one better. It’ll be a nice surprise.”

As you can imagine, Joe was practically salivating. With a little bit of honest communication and openness, he was able to have one of his fantasies come to life, and Alice was able to participate in a way that made her comfortable. I knew there would be no porn watching in their house later that night!

See how a little bit of LSD works? A little bit of listening. Exploration of needs and wants in a safe and calm way that made Alice and Joe feel secure. And a clear acknowledgment that a bit of compromise could increase their desire for each other.

This is one of the most common scenarios I deal with. The woman tells me that her husband doesn’t desire her anymore and doesn’t want to have sex with her. Then I ask the man what he
wants his partner to do. He tells me he’d love it if she could just dress up a little bit or another relatively simple request.

And then what do the women do? They almost always say, “I’d love to do that.
But he never asked me to do that before
.”

As we’ve seen before, what Alice and Joe and other couples mentioned in this book had trouble understanding was how fantasies play an important role in sex. Fantasies are normal. They allow couples to invent scenarios in their heads and act on them, which keeps the sex fresh. By allowing your flights of fancy to happen, you can turn even the same old, same old into a thrilling adventure. Finding ways to add variety to your sex life is a much better solution than seeking the “spice” outside the relationship.

Did you know that one of the most common female fantasies is to be “taken”? Not hurt, certainly not raped, but
ravished
. That’s the
note that runs through romance novels. It has also fueled the
Fifty Shades of Grey
erotica that has, interestingly enough, made it more okay for women to talk candidly about their fantasies and the fact that they might like to role-play as submissive or dominant in bed.

In other words, what some women want (at least some of the time) is for a man to really take charge during sex. To be confident, to be demanding (without being a bully), to not fumble. A man who isn’t afraid to take an active role and to tumble on the bed.

What’s important to understand here is that role-playing during sex has nothing to do with your roles as partners, parents, or professionals outside the bedroom. This is what constantly trips people up. They think that they have to be the same during sex as they are during the day.

If you want great sex, it’s time to get out of your comfort zone and have some fun! Push some boundaries and discover your edge. Trusting your partner to help you live out your fantasies is a brilliant way to reinforce how secure you feel with each other.

And realize this: you might be equals in every way, but in the bedroom, someone always has to be on top. One day it can be you, and the next day it can be your partner. However you work it out, if you’re always trying to be all sweet and fair in bed, time after time, your sex life is going to get very boring very quickly.

If you want great sex for life, you need to see it as a great adventure. You never know where the road is going to lead you. This list will show you how.

First, make sure you know exactly what you want to communicate with him before you get started. Men need to hear your desires
in very concrete terms, or chances are they’re not going to know what they need to do to help you.

As you did in making your desires clear, it’s helpful to make a fantasies list. Follow the steps on
page 238
—with one big caveat: If you ask your partner to share his fantasies with you, you can’t make any judgments. Even if your initial reaction is shock (or disgust), you are asking your partner to share his innermost thoughts with you. This is not the time to be judgmental.

If you make a face or say, “Oh my God, you want to wear my silk panties? That’s just
disgusting
!” he’s definitely not going to want to share other fantasies with you in the future, and he certainly won’t want to help spice up your sex life further. (Fantasies come in all shapes and sizes; one of the most common fantasies I hear from men is they want their partner to dress up in… bike shorts.) So be prepared in advance to handle your partner’s fantasy list.

You also don’t have to agree to everything that’s suggested! Remember, these are
fantasies
. Having them doesn’t always mean that they can or should be acted upon. If you find your partner’s fantasy truly repellent, try not to be critical or react with disgust. Simply say, “I don’t want to that and I will not do that. But maybe we could do this instead.”

For example, a common male fantasy is to have a threesome, with you being one of the two women in bed with him. Don’t worry that this means your husband wants to cheat on you, and don’t see it as negative. It just means that he trusts you enough to confide that this is one of his fantasies, and he wants to include
you in them. It does
not
mean you need to have a threesome or that he needs to, either.

Now that you both have made your desires and fantasies clearer, it’s time to have some fun. A few tips:

• Go into this with an open mind. If you think you’re going to have fun, you will.
  

• Be playful. Be creative. Laugh a lot.
  

• Make rules about what can or can’t be done. It’s all about compromise.
  

• As I discussed in
  Lesson 6
  , the best way to have great sex is to go into the bedroom trying to make your partner be happier than you are. It’ll never work if one partner says, “
  Service
  me now” and that’s not part of the agreed-upon role-playing. I think that’s one of the reasons why women get so fed up by men who want oral sex. So few men offer to return the favor that women can feel like they’re only there to service their partner’s needs. Let me tell you, guys, that is a major turnoff.
  

• If your partner is hesitant, start with small changes—trying a new position, for example. Don’t leap right into anal sex or bondage.
  

• If acting out your fantasy isn’t quite as much fun as what you fantasized about, communicate effectively so that both of you can find a middle ground that makes the experience pleasurable.
  

• If one party demands that his or her fantasies be indulged
  and the other party doesn’t feel comfortable, that’s not great sex. That’s more like coercion!
  

As you know by now, I am not a fan of vibrators, dildos, and other sex toys. When you use props a lot, you can get used to the props. That makes it harder to have sex without them.

I know that a lot of people—including sex therapists and many of my patients and radio callers—strongly disagree with me. That’s fine. Taking a trip to a sex store to see toys that come in every possible shape, size, color, and texture—something for everyone!—can be an undeniable hoot for couples and certainly a bonding experience.

Some people even see these jaunts as a safe way to be able to express their fantasies. After all, seeing so much apparatus and stuff in these stores makes it far more normal to admit that you want to add some of these items to your sex play. Just be aware that sex without props or toys—just the two of you pleasuring each other—is, in my professional opinion, the best intimate experience.

I’ve heard from many women that their partners are addicted to playing online games, and it’s hurting their relationships. The choice should be a no-brainer, but these women rightly feel that their partners have more desire for virtual people and virtual games than for the real woman.

Research backs up this frustration. A study from Brigham Young University, published in the
Journal of Leisure Research,
found
that 75 percent of the spouses of those who regularly play fantasy role-playing games, like World of Warcraft, wish their partner would spend less time gaming and more time on their marriage. The researchers found that it wasn’t the game-playing itself that caused problems, but the arguing about it and the disrupted bedtime routines. In other words, the more someone was addicted to playing games, the less time he or she spent in bed having sex, great or otherwise. Clearly, his or her partner wouldn’t be too happy about that.

If this is happening to you, there are two different strategies to try. The first is to set firm limits on game-playing with your spouse, just as you would with a child. The games need to be turned off by a specific time, for instance, or there will be consequences. This can be tough to do for those who are addicted. If so, the addict might need counseling or to go cold turkey, as addicts usually can’t manage or kick their addictions on their own.

Another strategy is to find a game that you can play together. A game that hopefully will not have the same sort of addictive qualities. The gaming study I just mentioned also found that for couples in which both spouses play, 76 percent said that gaming led to higher marital satisfaction. I think that’s because they were spending intense time together, doing something they both loved. It gave them goals and something fun to do and talk about. Some games can even inspire fantasies and role-playing.