The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups

Copyright © 2014 by Harry Fisch, MD
Cover and internal design © 2014 by Sourcebooks, Inc.
Cover designed by The Book Designers
Cover image © NAS CRETIVES/Shutterstock

Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—without permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional service. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.—
From a Declaration of Principles Jointly Adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

This book is not intended as a substitute for medical advice from a qualified physician. The intent of this book is to provide accurate general information in regard to the subject matter covered. If medical advice or other expert help is needed, the services of an appropriate medical professional should be sought.

Published by Sourcebooks, Inc.
P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-4410
(630) 961-3900
Fax: (630) 961-2168
www.sourcebooks.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Fisch, Harry-
   The new naked : ultimate sex education for grown-ups/Harry Fisch, MD with Karen Moline.
       pages cm
   Includes bibliographical references and index.
(trade : alk. paper) 1. Sex instruction. 2. Sexual disorders. 3. Sex—Psychological aspects. I. Moline, Karen. II. Title.
   HQ31.F6175 2014
   613.9071--dc23

2013040165

To my wife, Karen

Introduction:
Sex Is a Dipstick

Part I. Sex Talk 101:
What’s Right and What Can Go Wrong

Lesson 1. Satisfaction:
Can You Get It? Yes, You Can!

Lesson 2. What Turns You Off to Sex?

Lesson 3. Erection, Interrupted:
The Anatomy of Sexual Dysfunction

Lesson 4. Risky Business:
Pornography, Affairs, and Sexual Addiction

Part II. Communication 101:
Learning How to Say What You Need

Lesson 5. L Is for Listening…
So Shut the F**k Up

Lesson 6. S Is for Security…
So Think about Why You’re Together

Lesson 7. D Is for Desire…
You’ve Got to Show It to Know It

Epilogue:
Now That You Know What You’re Doing…

References

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Let me tell you why I’m writing this book: lots of people are having lots of sex…but that doesn’t mean they’re having lots of fun doing it.

And I am determined to do something about it.

As one of the most renowned urologists and reproductive specialists in New York City, in practice since 1989, I’ve seen thousands of patients with sexual dysfunction and sexual satisfaction problems and aching pleas for help. But almost everyone who walked into my office, men and women alike, was more interested in talking about—and being treated for—the one issue that wasn’t being talked about anywhere else. They didn’t just want to know how to have better sex, but
how to be happy
in their relationships at the same time.

This book will show you that sexual satisfaction and emotional satisfaction are not mutually exclusive in a relationship. That may not sound like rocket science, but you’d be amazed at the number of people who don’t think the two are possible to achieve. In fact, you can take simple steps on your own and with your partner to improve all aspects of your life together. This book will show you exactly what to do.

Before we get into that, here’s an important note I want to
make as a men’s health expert. Women often don’t realize that as men get older their sexuality can be affected by many different issues. They’re dealing with declining testosterone levels as well as performance issues, weight issues, stress issues, and that old issue of getting older and not getting it up so easily.

These problems have to be acknowledged because they are often the reasons why the sex in these men’s relationships goes away or awry. When a woman understands any physiological issues affecting the man in her life, she can be far more effective at helping him make the changes he needs for his health, for his happiness and, most importantly, for the overall health and happiness of their relationship.

I’ve already written two books that address the medical aspects of male sexuality and the physical nature of the problems that can occur between partners in a relationship,
The Male Biological Clock: The Startling News about Aging, Sexuality, and Fertility in Men
(published in 2005) and
Size Matters: The Hard Facts about Male Sexuality That Every Woman Should Know
(published in 2008).

What still needs to be talked about candidly, however, is basic sex education for grown-ups. I’m not talking about the mechanics of the sex act itself, but how lack of sexual fulfillment and an inability to even know how to bring up the issue affect a couple’s intimacy and togetherness. I’ve seen this in countless couples that have come into my office. They’re talking at each other but not to each other. They’re frustrated and upset. They know there’s an enormous, sexually charged elephant in the room, but they can’t bring it up. They don’t
have the language to express their needs, and I quickly learned to provide it for them.

What I told these couples is that every relationship has a sex factor and a happiness factor, which are inextricably intertwined. Some people can have a lot of happiness in their relationship without a huge amount of sex. But I have yet to meet a couple that has a happy relationship when the sex is bad, unsatisfying, infrequent, or mechanical.

Sounds ridiculously simple, right? Well, it’s not—if you can’t talk about it. Back in the Stone Age, when I was in medical school, nobody discussed patients’ emotional issues—which is crazy when you think about it today—and nobody
ever
discussed how to be happy. There was little talk about lifestyle and behavior, drugs and drinking, and sexual issues and addiction, all of which have a potent effect on physical health and thus on sexual performance in both men and women.

Yet once I started my practice, suddenly dozens of patients were confiding in me about all of these things. It didn’t matter what their medical issues were; the common denominator was their unhappiness about the sexual aspects of their relationship. They sat there, eager and willing, waiting for me to give them a magic bullet to improve their sex life, thinking that Viagra or testosterone or losing weight would do it for them.

But nothing I could prescribe would work if they remained unable to talk about what they really wanted and needed. I quickly realized that prescribing Viagra for mechanical fixes was a mistake if I did not address how to have a great relationship
beyond
the physical aspects.

In fact, I said this just the other day to a pharmaceutical rep
who stopped in my office to discuss an order for Viagra. “You know,” I told her, “I can’t give Viagra to patients anymore without cringing.”

I thought for a second that she was going to faint.

“What I mean,” I hastened to add, “is that it doesn’t seem right to just prescribe Viagra to men having trouble in bed when they don’t know what a relationship is about. Viagra might help with the physical part, but if they don’t deal with any underlying emotional issues, nothing is going to work.”

She regained her composure in a hurry.

In other words, what these men needed was not someone with a quick physical fix for their issues, but someone to help them find and maintain happiness in their sexual relationships. Each man needed the woman in his life—that’s
you
, by the way!—to help him see the whole picture.

But here’s the catch: these guys, as you doubtless already know, couldn’t talk about any of this because they didn’t know what to talk about or, more importantly,
how
to. They were like cavemen—they probably knew what they wanted, but they didn’t have the language or the ability to make their needs known. Many of them didn’t even have simple, basic information about sex and sexual health, and what was normal or not. Plus, there was no one they could ask.

In other words, they were grown men in dire need of
real
sex education.

Not the kind of sex education they may have sniggered through in junior high, with health teachers droning on about zygotes, hormones, and puberty, and all that convoluted medical mumbo jumbo. No, they needed more than just a refresher course in the
basics of anatomy. They needed to know that they didn’t have to live with sexual unhappiness. They needed someone to tell them how to have good sex and good relationships
for a lifetime
.

That’s what
The New Naked
is all about. This is a comprehensive book—written about men but for women—showing how easily you can achieve the sexually satisfying adult relationships you’ve always wanted.

Nearly all of the books that deal with sexual issues and marriage are psychologically based, written by couples’ counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, or sex therapists. That’s great, because there is a real need for those books. None of them, however, gets back to the basics of sex education for adults from a medical perspective like mine as an experienced urologist and fertility and men’s health specialist who has also counseled couples for years on their sexual needs and their misperceptions.

Because I’ve treated infertile couples and male patients for several decades, I’ve become an expert at candidly dealing with all sorts of sexual and emotional dysfunction. I explore these issues on Howard Stern’s Howard 101 channel on SiriusXM, which hosts my radio show every Wednesday night. I also am often consulted as an expert on
The Dr. Oz Show
, where I serve on the medical advisory board. And I’ve created the websites
www.drharryfisch.com
and
www.harryfisch.com
, which discuss male health and sexuality, so the millions of people who need that candid advice can find it easily.

I’ve written this book for women like you so you can share this information with the man in your life. Once you know what’s really wrong, of course, you can start to make it better. But more than just showing you how to spot potential problems,
this book talks about what can go right (even if it has already gone wrong) with your emotional relationship and your sex life. It’s an essential road map to the best sex and the happiest relationship of your life.

I always tell my patients that sex is the dipstick of every relationship. That’s because sex is wonderful. Sex is fun. Sex is pure pleasure…when it’s done right.

In fact, sex is a great indicator of the health of a relationship. Couples who are happy have a regular, mutually satisfying, loving, and uninhibited sex life where they feel utterly at ease in each other’s arms. The couples I see usually aren’t like that. (Not yet, at least!) And I’m guessing that if you’re reading this book, you’re interested in making your own sexual relationship work on a more profoundly pleasing level.

Let me tell you a story. Often at dinner parties, someone will ask what I do. As soon as I tell them that I’m a board-certified urologist, specializing in reproductive issues and sexual dysfunction, their eyes light up. They’ve got questions and an expert sitting right next to them. “So, doc,” the man will usually ask, “how often should couples be having sex?”

“Well,” I’ll start to say. “On average—”

“I had sex two times this month,” is usually what I hear when the person confiding in me hastens to interrupt. “And lemme tell ya, it was
fantastic
!”

Now, I’d never burst someone’s bubble in public, but having sex twice in a month is on the
very
low side of average. It’s not fantastic at all. Something is wrong in that marriage.

“You know,” I’ll finally say, “sex is the dipstick of any relationship. You have to check it regularly.”

“I hear ya! Thanks for the advice!”

My heart sinks, but I don’t push it. This husband and wife aren’t patients—and obviously, they don’t have enough patience to hear my answer. But what I want to tell him is that if you’re not having a lot of sex or having bad sex, you have a big problem. It needs to be addressed. It needs to be fixed.

I’ll tell you why: as a species, we are biologically programmed to have sex. Not during a specific mating season but
regularly
. Men are genetically hardwired to spread their seed as much as they can in order to ensure the survival of the human race by creating future generations. Biologically speaking, a relationship lacking regular sex is a relationship in danger.