The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups (9 page)

Just as there are reasons why a man doesn’t want to have sex with you, there are plenty of reasons why he might be turning you off. If any of the following hits close to home, it’s time to start talking!

Obesity is at epidemic levels in this country, and men need to deal with the overeating and under-exercising that cause it if they want to live as long as possible and be healthy and thriving instead of fat and miserable.

I tell my patients that the goal isn’t just to lose weight; it’s to lose the waist. Because a man with a big, fat gut is pretty much guaranteed
not
to have big, fat testosterone levels and big, fat erections. (You’ll read about this in more detail on
page 93
of
Lesson 3
.)

Big, fat guts aren’t just physical turnoffs for you; they’re dangerous for a man’s health. They’ll reduce testosterone, which will make a man feel like crap, be tired all the time, and have a low libido. And a big, fat gut and excess weight elsewhere can cause too many diseases to name, all of which can have a terrible effect on his ability to have sex, as well as being off-putting for both of you.

A man who is obese can also develop “man boobs.” For most women, it’s a total turnoff if their male partners have a bigger breast size than they do. Of course, any man who isn’t overweight but still has man boobs should see a doctor to rule out hormonal problems or other possible causes. If the cause is a medical condition, he can take meds to help reduce breast swelling or have liposuction or breast-reduction surgery if all else fails.

For more information about weight, see
page 93
in
Lesson 3
. But in the meantime, tell him to lose the weight so your sex life will be great.

A lot of men don’t realize how important grooming and personal hygiene are to their partners, even though some women get turned on by guys who are, well, a little (okay, a
lot
!) on the ripe side. Unfortunately, women usually need to take the initiative to get guys to clean up their acts—and their bodies—and spruce up their sex lives in the process. Here are the top items to address on his grooming must-do list:

Stubble might look sexy, but his five o’clock shadow can leave your face looking and feeling like a Brillo pad after a lovemaking session. Not exactly the biggest turn-on.

There are two methods that usually work when you’re trying to keep your skin intact. The first is to incorporate shaving into your
foreplay. Don’t make any moves that can end up with him getting nicked, but a little bit of pillow talk and perhaps some tender touching while a man is foaming up and then shaving can really get him in the mood.

If that doesn’t work, or you telling him that shaving will lead to more romps in the bedroom, appeal to his vanity. Tell him that while shaving can be a chore, there’s a hidden benefit to it for him (besides keeping your skin from shredding). Exfoliation. I don’t expect this to be something men know much about, but they (and you) should.

As a natural part of the aging process, skin cells are born, come to the surface of your skin, and then die. This process slows down as you age, which is why your skin can look dull and blah. The shaving process, however, sloughs off those dead cells. This is one of the reasons why men’s skin shows fewer signs of aging than women’s. Hopefully this two-for-one deal will help him get his shave on.

Not just any soap. Deodorant soap. Every day. In the bath or shower. Lots of lather in the pubic area. Followed by deodorant.

Bear in mind that deodorants mask odor only, and antiperspirants help reduce sweat. If a man sweats excessively, so that even clinical antiperspirants don’t do the job, he might be a good candidate for prescription deodorants or underarm Botox injections, which are amazingly efficient.

He also needs to clean his skin at night, just like you do. Who wants to go to bed with a face full of the day’s grime? Of course you know that, but getting him to act on it can be as difficult as
getting a toddler to sit still for an ear cleaning! So, as with shaving, try incorporating a nighttime de-griming ritual into your foreplay. Offer to wash his face if he’ll wash yours. Give his face and his head a brief massage while you’re at it. He’ll have super-clean skin, and you’ll both be laughing and relaxed. The rest is up to you!

Just as he needs to clean his skin, he needs to wash and condition his hair. Oily hair looks and smells gross. Dandruff is about as sexy as dust. Get into the shower with him and pour on some of your coconut-scented shampoo and pretend you’re at the beach. If that doesn’t get him in the mood, try a different scent!

A man’s skin may seem to age less rapidly than yours, but that doesn’t mean it’s immune to the drying effects of getting older. He still needs to moisturize. Instead of letting him poach your products, show him the wide range of effective male skin-care lines. There are shelves of them at Sephora or at department stores, and he should experiment until he finds one with a scent, texture, and effectiveness he likes.

Skin cancers are on the rise, so sun protection is a must. An easy way to get a man to moisturize is to insist that he puts on sunscreen in the morning when you put yours on. Aim for an SPF of at least 25 to 30. Do not let him stash the bottle in the car, because sunscreen degrades in heat. (That’s one of the reasons you need to keep reapplying it when you’re out in the sun, especially at the beach!)

Dark under-eye circles are, unfortunately, genetic, so as embarrassing as this might be for him (because most men would never dream of using this kind of product), show him how to use your own concealer. Convince him to try it by telling him that, as he likely knows already, men who
look
tired when they’re not due to eye bags are unfairly judged as
being
tired. No one need ever know that he’s using concealer, once you show him how to blend it in well. If that doesn’t work well, he might want to consult a plastic surgeon to see if the dark circles can be removed. (Ditto with droopy eyelids.)

Many men also suffer from rosacea, an incurable and progressive skin condition leading to uncontrollable flushing. (Take a look at the comic movie star of the 1930s, W. C. Fields, for an example of extreme rosacea that also affected his nose.) This warrants a trip to the dermatologist. In the meantime, your man can try using a green-based foundation or primer that will help camouflage some of the redness.

Speaking of which, adult acne is a deeply embarrassing problem for a lot of men. While there are effective drugstore products for acne treatment, most are for teenagers, who tend to have much oilier skin. He should see a dermatologist first and discuss treatment options.

When I was a resident in medical school, one of my fellow colleagues was a complete slob. He was such a mess that I had no confidence in his ability to make life-and-death decisions. He was
working in a hospital, where cleanliness is of real concern and filth can be lethal. Patients never wanted to talk to him. So
we
all had a talk with him and directed him to the local Laundromat.

I’m not saying that a man needs a closet full of designer clothes. He doesn’t. I’ve seen men look incredibly put together wearing nothing more than a crisply pressed white button-down shirt, a sleek leather belt, and a good-fitting pair of jeans. But he needs to look presentable. When I see my patients, I always wear a suit, a nice shirt, and a tie. My shoes are shined. I want them to see that I respect who
they
are by presenting myself in the best possible way. Other men should do the same.

I tell my patients to think of how they dress as part of foreplay. When you get a present all wrapped up in a gorgeous box with a bow, you get excited. It shows that someone cared enough to make that gift extra-special. If you get something covered in crumpled newspaper, or worse, just shoved at you with no ceremony at all, you’re not nearly as likely to be enthusiastic and receptive.

Believe me: If a man doesn’t look like he can take care of himself, you aren’t going to think that he can take care of
you
.

Manners are one of those things where a tiny amount of effort can reap huge rewards. I always say that it’s easy to be respectful and polite to the president of the United States, but how about the guy who cleans your office or parks your car? If I eat a meal I love at a restaurant, I want to meet the chef and the owner to say thank you. My wife and I always told our children that they don’t have to like everybody they meet, but they have to be nice. Or try their best to be. It’s not hard to be nice to somebody who
doesn’t expect it. What makes someone feel more desirable than a compliment?

Honestly, you can tell an awful lot about people by how they treat the help. When you’re with a man with impeccable manners who is courteous and considerate to strangers, chances are good he’s going to be that way in bed with you. Especially when he turns off the cell phone so he can concentrate on what’s really important—namely you! (See the section on digital devices for more about that.)

If, on the other hand, he’s rude or thoughtless or narcissistic, how is he going to treat you in the bedroom (let alone in a relationship), and why would you want to have sex with him? What a turnoff if he’s in a bad mood and taking it out on you…or he dissed you in the morning, and you never got resolution…or he ignores you all evening until it’s time for sex.

Even after you’ve been with your partner for years, there’s no excuse for his lack of manners, or his making you feel that you’re being taken for granted. You need to speak up. If he’s been acting this way for a long time, he might not even be aware of what a problem it is, although of course that is no excuse. If you don’t feel comfortable speaking up, this is an issue I suggest you bring up with a therapist, because allowing your partner to treat other people (and you) badly is indicative of deep-seated self-esteem issues that must be confronted in a safe and therapeutic setting.

Being unable to sleep because your partner’s snores are louder than the disco drums in your favorite club is unlikely to put you
in the mood for sex or cuddling or the wonderful intimacy that comes from sharing the same bed.

But snoring isn’t just a case of buzz saws going off on the next pillow. Something has to be causing it. The reason could be relatively benign, like allergies, acid reflux, or large tonsils, or something more worrisome, like sleep apnea. Why should you or, more importantly, your partner worry about something like sleep apnea? Here’s the catch: Sleep apnea is directly related to low testosterone (and a low libido). These two conditions are related to a man being overweight or not taking care of himself—and who wants to be with a man who cares so little about his health (and
your
ability to get to sleep)?

For more about snoring and sleep disorders, go to
page 122
in
Lesson 3
. These problems need to be dealt with—not just so you can get your beauty rest, but because they can be signs of physical problems that can’t self-heal and must be addressed. Sleep apnea is a dangerous condition and can, in fact, be lethal. And that would definitely mean no sex for you—or for him.