The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups (23 page)

Their pattern:
Alexandra and Roberto are stuck and need a better way to communicate so they can solve the problem. They tune each other out because they both know they aren’t going to reach any resolution.

My advice:
This couple clearly loves each other, but they have no idea how to bring up a delicate topic. Instead of focusing on the problem, they need to focus on the solution. They both need to compromise, but arguing and not listening has been easier than sitting down and calmly strategizing about what to do. Alexandra can do her research by seeing her gynecologist and exploring birth-control options that don’t involve taking hormones. Roberto can help her do this. Then he won’t need condoms, which will
improve his sensitivity, and she won’t have to worry about getting pregnant or side effects from hormones.

Ron is still friends with his ex-girlfriend, Julia. Kelly doesn’t mind them being friends but thinks Julia has crossed the line a few too many times. Julia works for Ron and somehow thinks this gives her license to show up at Ron and Kelly’s house all the time. She still has keys and has gone so far as to throw out food Kelly has cooked. Kelly is upset and angry, but Ron thinks the whole situation is funny and that she’s acting crazy. This makes her even more upset. Kelly wants Julia out of the picture, but Ron claims he needs her to help with his business.

Their pattern:
Kelly states her needs over and over again, and Ron ignores her or taunts her. Beyond not listening, he’s actively dismissing his wife by ignoring her pleas.

My advice:
This isn’t about Ron wanting to have sex with Julia. He doesn’t. What he seems to be missing is the valid point that Julia continually crosses the line, intruding on their relationship
and actively undermining Kelly. Kelly has reasonably stated over and over that she doesn’t like it and wants it to stop.

For this marriage to be saved, Ron needs to cut ties with Julia. Frankly, he is being an idiot by listening to his ego, rather than his wife. How would he like it if the tables were turned and she had an ex-boyfriend—with a set of house keys, no less—working in his home all the time?

The only mature way for Ron and Kelly to handle this is for Ron to give Julia notice and make her find another job. She will have to hand over the keys, and he should change the locks. Julia should also be forbidden from coming into the house. She will be able to find another job. Her employment is not something that Ron is responsible for, and frankly, his business should not be more important than his wife under any circumstances.

When I told Kelly to tell Ron how she really feels, this is what she said:

Hopefully, Ron will follow through. But the fact that he was so willing to allow Julia to continually cross boundaries that should never have been crossed makes this couple an excellent candidate for marital counseling. Allowing an ex to interfere with your current relationship is not a recipe for a successful marriage, and Ron’s dismissive attitude toward Kelly makes it unlikely that they will last as a couple.

What do couples argue about? Not just sex.

Money.

Money…and who takes out the garbage or changes the diapers or empties the dishwasher or mows the lawn.

Yep. Money and chores make the marriage go round. Whatever your financial situation, money is almost always going to be a huge component of your relationship.

Basically, we need to feel safe and secure. We need the emotional security of knowing that the person we love loves and cherishes us back, and that we can count on him or her no matter what.

And we need to be able to talk about money.

This isn’t crass. It isn’t about dollars in the bank. When I talk about money, I don’t mean that couples need to be rich. Far from it. Financial security comes in many forms. A woman can be the primary breadwinner, and if her partner provides the childcare or something else that works for their relationship, I say fantastic.

For me, true security comes when a man knows he can make a woman feel secure enough that worrying about money is not going to interfere with their emotional security. Some of the
happiest couples I know have limited means. Having gazillions in the bank isn’t important to them. They cover their overhead and save a little when they can, but they’re in it together, full partners in all financial decisions. That loving and trusting partnership extends to all aspects of their relationship. Believe me, I know a lot of very wealthy people who would give anything to have that kind of ease and comfort with each other!

The big problem is that couples are often no more able to talk about money and finances than they are about their sexual needs. Honestly. People don’t know how to talk about money any more than they know how to talk about premature ejaculation.

If you’re unable to talk candidly about both—because financial security is a need that must be brought out into the open—it can kill even the most enduring romance. And talking about money can be as difficult as talking about porn addiction or having an affair.

This is why the S in the LSD is for Security.

You can’t have great sex without it.

Proof of this came from Carlo. He came into my office wearing tight jeans, a tight shirt, and a huge pair of blinged-out Gucci sunglasses. I jokingly put them on, and they practically covered my whole face. They were so heavy that I could barely keep my head up.

“Why do you wear these?” I asked.

“I wear them on the beach because I can’t wear any other bling, and women think I have money,” he said matter-of-factly.

I had to laugh at his flagrant faking.

But at least he was admitting his ruse, one as old as… Well, I’m sure the ancient Egyptians needed to feel secure, too. Those burial chambers weren’t just to placate the gods. They were to prove to the living where the bling was.

I’ve lost count of the number of couples I’ve seen who are married, sometimes for a short while and sometimes for decades, and faking it. I’m not talking about designer sunglasses—but fake relationships. These are couples who don’t have sex or who have bad sex. They may have loved each other once upon a time—or loved what they thought the other person was going to give them—but they sure don’t seem to like each other.

Why do these couples stay together? Because the pain or aggravation of being together is less terrifying than the fear of being alone. Their need for security is overpowering their need to be happy and have great sex.

Never was this point more poignantly demonstrated than with a patient who’s sixty. He started dating a fifty-five-year-old woman, divorced as he was. As soon as he came in, it was evident there were tremendous problems associated with this relationship.

“Can you give me a prescription for Viagra?” he asked, looking sheepish.

“Why do you think you need it?” I asked.

“Well, my girlfriend is kind of bossy.”

“How long have you been going out?”

“Three months. And she’s been the controlling type from day one,” he admitted, looking even more sheepish. “So, sometimes I’m having trouble…you know.”

Yes, I knew very well.

We started discussing his options, and as he went into more detail about this relationship, he confided that they’d started going to a therapist.

My jaw dropped.

“You’ve only been dating for three months and you’re seeing a therapist already?” I blurted out.

“I know, I know,” he said. “But do you know how hard it is to meet somebody I feel a connection with? She has the same kind of background as me, so at least we have that in common. I just don’t want to be lonely.”

I really felt for this guy. He’d rather be miserable with a shrewish woman—so incompatible with his nature that he couldn’t get it up—than be alone. I tried to convince him that if he stayed with someone who already made him so unhappy, he’d never find someone else who was a lot nicer—and with whom he’d have a more confident, thriving sexual relationship. Happily, he was able to break it off and keep dating. I reminded him many times that there were an incredible number of lovely women in New York City and he just had to take the time to meet them.

Men aren’t the only ones who can be their own worst enemies. I also felt for a woman I know professionally. She’s in her mid-thirties, super-smart, lovely, incredibly accomplished financially, and looking for a man with whom to share her life. She wants a husband. She wants children. And she can’t find anyone to date. Why not?

“Because I can only go out with men who are richer and more accomplished and more successful than me,” she said.

In other words, she is only willing to give up control to a man who makes her feel secure. She believes that she wouldn’t be able
to relax enough with a man who’s her financial inferior—certainly not enough to let her guard down so she can have great sex.

I understand what she really meant. Women know that part of having sex is giving up control. If you’re going to do that, you want a man who is secure enough in himself to know what he’s doing, right? After all, what’s sexier than a man secure in himself?

Many men who are just starting out in their careers or switching careers or starting up a business may be low on liquidity. But if they have confidence in their ability to move forward in business, as they do in all aspects of life, that confidence is a huge turn-on. Unfortunately, this woman’s need for financial security beyond her own is likely to keep her single and unhappy.

I know plenty of men who are sexually and emotionally confident and who would be great partners for her. They just aren’t rich enough for someone as well-off as she is. So while I admire her candor—at least she won’t waste time dating men she knows won’t make her happy—her specific need for security is devastating in its limitations.

Hopefully, if she hasn’t yet met someone who fits her too-narrow criteria, she will let go of that fantasy and have a child on her own, or realize that her demands may be unrealistic and let her guard down long enough to meet someone incredibly loving, rich or not. That’s what’s really important, after all.

What do all secure couples have in common? Not big bank accounts. They have
trust
.

Without trust, there can never be security. Without security
and
trust, you can’t have the best sex of your life.

In a good relationship, you trust that your partner loves you, is truthful, is faithful, and is there for you when you need him. The truest measure of character is not how people act when times are good and everything is easy, but how they do when times are bad, when they are stressed to the max and exhausted and worried. I’ve found that people enduring dire situations (death of loved ones, loss of their homes, loss of jobs leading to desperate financial straits) will pull through as long as they have the support of trusted loved ones who make them feel emotionally secure.

We all have basic security needs, and each person also has idiosyncratic needs depending on their personalities and their life situations. For example, if you are an active member of the military, your values or your security are not likely to come from having cash on hand. As a soldier you need to make money, but mostly your professional success is measured by how well you defend your country. If you work in the finance sector, where money (and lots of it) is the gauge for your sense of wealth and well-being and accomplishment, you are going to have a very different take on what constitutes “security.”