Rodrick Rules (8 page)

I started reading Rodrick's paper to see if I could still use it. But apparently,

Rodrick was even worse about doing his research than ME.

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A Hundred Years Ago by Rodrick Heffley

Sometimes I sit and wonder

About stuff I don't know

Like what the heck the earth was like

A hundred years ago.

Did cavemen ride on dinosaurs?

Did flowers even grow?

Well we could guess but that was back

A hundred years ago.

I wish they built a time machine

And they picked me to go

To check out what the scene was like

A hundred years ago.

Did giant spiders rule the earth?

Were deserts filled with snow?

I wonder what the story was

A hundred years ago.

F See me!

150

I guess I learned my lesson about buying a paper off someone. Or at least off of

RODRICK.

When third period rolled around, I didn't have anything to turn in to Mr. Huff. I

guess that means I'll be taking summer school for History.

And my day got a whole lot worse after that. When I got home from school, Mom

was waiting for me at the front door.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy with his school bag entering his house and his mother

and brother standing inside.]

You know that stack of bills I paid Rodrick with? Well, he tried to cash them ALL

in at once to get money for a used motorcycle. I'm sure Mom knew something was

fishy, since Rodrick has never earned a single Mom Buck on his own.

151

Rodrick told Mom where he got the money, and she dug around my room until she

found my stash under the mattress. Mom knew she never put $100,000 into

circulation, so she confiscated ALL my cash, even the ones I earned for real. I

guess that's the end of the Mom Bucks program.

To be honest with you, I'm kind of relieved. Sleeping on that pile of cash every

night was really stressing me out.

Mom was mad that I tried to put one over on her like that, so she gave me a

punishment. But I got that out of the way before dinner.

[Image: A cartoon of two boys talking to each other standing at the door.] "Mom

says we have to clean the whole garage.

Shoot."

152

Thursday

Today was Thanksgiving, and it started off like it always does: with Aunt Loretta

showing up two hours early.

[Image: A cartoon of two ladies at the thanksgiving.]

Mom always makes me and Rodrick "entertain" Aunt Loretta, and that means talk

to her until the rest of the family shows up.

The biggest fights me and Rodrick have ever had were over who has to greet her

first.

[Image: A cartoon of two boys fighting in the room.]

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The rest of the family started trickling in around 11:00. Dad's brother, Uncle Joe,

and his kids were the last ones to show up around 12:30.

Uncle Joe's kids all call Dad the same thing.

[Image: A cartoon of two children entering a room occupied by a boy and two

men.] "Hi aunt Fwank!"

Mom thinks it's really cute, but Dad swears that Uncle Joe tells his kids to do it on

purpose.

Things are pretty tense between Dad and Uncle Joe, because Dad is still mad at

Uncle Joe for something he did LAST Thanksgiving. Back then, Manny had just

started potty training, and he was doing pretty good. In fact, he was probably about

two weeks from being out of diapers.

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But Uncle Joe said something to Manny that changed everything.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy in the bathroom and a man standing at the door.]

"Better look for the "Potty monster," little fella!"

It was six months before Manny would even step foot in the bathroom again.

Every time Dad changed a dirty diaper after that, I heard him cursing Uncle Joe

under his breath.

We had dinner around 2:00, and then people went into the living room to talk. I

didn't feel like talking, so I went in the family room to play video games.

155

Eventually, I guess Dad had enough of the family, too, so he went downstairs to

work on his Civil War battlefield. But he forgot to lock the door to the furnace

room, and Uncle Joe walked in after him.

Uncle Joe seemed pretty interested in what Dad was working on, so Dad told him

all about it.

Dad gave Uncle Joe this big speech about the 150th Regiment and the role it

played at Gettysburg, and spent about a half hour describing the whole battle.

But I don't think Uncle Joe was really listening to Dad's speech.

[Image: A cartoon of a man patting the other on the back.] "Nice toys, big

brother!"

156

Thanksgiving didn't last too much longer after that. Dad went upstairs and turned

up the thermostat until it got stuffy and everyone cleared out. And that's pretty

much how Thanksgiving ends every year at our house.

[Image: A cartoon of three people leaving as the man holds the door for them.]

DECEMBER

Saturday

You remember how I said Mom and Dad were going to eventually find out about

Rodrick's party? Well, it finally happened today.

Mom sent Dad out to pick up the pictures from Thanksgiving, and when Dad got

back, you could tell he wasn't happy about something.

157

[Image: A cartoon of a man showing a picture to his family which sitting at the

dinning table.]

The picture in Dad's hand was from Rodrick's party.

It looked like one of Rodrick's friends accidentally took a picture with Mom's

camera, which she keeps on the shelf above the stereo. And when he took the

picture, it captured the whole scene.

[Image: A picture of a party.]

158

Rodrick tried to deny that he had a party. But everything was right there in the

picture, so there really wasn't any point.

Mom and Dad took away Rodrick's car keys and told him his punishment is that

he's not allowed to leave the house for a whole MONTH.

They were even mad at ME, because they said I was Rodrick's "accomplice." So I

got hit with a two-week video game ban.

Sunday

Mom and Dad have been all over Rodrick's case ever since they found out about

his party. Rodrick usually sleeps until 2:00 in the afternoon on weekends, but today

Dad made Rodrick get out of bed by 8:00 A.M.

Making Rodrick get out of bed early is a pretty big blow to him, because Rodrick

LOVES to sleep. One time last fall, Rodrick slept for thirty-six hours STRAIGHT.

159

He slept all the way from Sunday night until Tuesday morning, and he didn't even

realize he missed a whole day of his life until Tuesday night.

[Image: A cartoon of two boys watching T.V.] "Hey... Where's Monday night

football?"

But it looks like Rodrick has found a way around the new 8:00 rule. Now, when

Dad tells Rodrick to get out of bed, Rodrick just drags his stuff upstairs with him

and he sleeps on the couch until it's time for dinner. So I guess you gotta give this

round to Rodrick.

[Image: A cartoon of a man sleeping on the sofa and another man watching him.]

160

Tuesday

Mom and Dad are going away again this weekend, and they're dropping me and

Rodrick off at Grandpa's. They said they WERE gonna let us stay home, but we

proved we can't be trusted on our own.

Grandpa lives over in Leisure Towers, which is this old folks' home. I had to spend

a week there with Rodrick a few months ago, and it was the low point of my whole

summer.

Manny is staying with Gramma this weekend, and I'd give ANYTHING to trade

places with him. Gramma always has her fridge stocked with soda and cake and

stuff like that, and she has cable TV with all the movie channels.

[Image: A cartoon of a child sitting on the sofa, with his toys, in front of the T.V.]

161

The reason Manny is going to Gramma's is because Manny is Gramma's favorite.

And all you need to do is take one look at her refrigerator for the proof.

[Image: Many pictures are stuck on a wall.]

But if anyone ever accuses Gramma of showing favorites, she gets all defensive.

[Image: A cartoon of two ladies talking.] "I love all my grandchildren the same."

162

And it's not just the pictures on the fridge, either. Gramma has Manny's drawings

and stuff hanging up all over the house.

The only thing that Gramma has from ME is this note I wrote her when I was six. I

was mad at her because she wouldn't give me any ice cream before dinner, so

here's what I wrote:

[Image: A note.] "I hate you Gramma."

Gramma has kept that note all these years, and she's STILL holding it over my

head.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy looking at the two women talking.] "And this is what

my wonderful grandson Gregory made for me!"

163

I guess every grandparent has their favorite, and I can understand that. But at least

Grandpa is up front about it.

[Image: A cartoon of a man pushing the other and saying something to another

man.] "Gregory is my favorite!"

Saturday

Well, Mom and Dad dumped me and Rodrick off at Grandpa's today, just like they

said they were gonna do.

I started looking for ways to entertain myself, but there's nothing in Grandpa's

condo that's fun to do, so I just sat down with him and watched TV. But Grandpa

doesn't even watch real shows. He just keeps his TV tuned to the security camera

that's in the front lobby of his building.

164

And after a few hours of THAT, you start to go a little nuts.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy and an old amn watching T.V.] "Oh, sure! Barry

Grossman has time to go out for a three-hour walk, but he doesn't have time to

return my vacuum!"

At about 5:00, Grandpa made us dinner. Grandpa makes this awful thing called

"watercress salad," and it's the worst thing you ever tasted.

It's basically a bunch of cold green beans and cucumbers floating in a pool of

vinegar.

[Image: A bowl of food.]

165

Rodrick knows I hate watercress salad more than ANYTHING, so the last time we

stayed at Grandpa's, Rodrick made sure to pile it on my plate.

[Image: A cartoon of a man and two boys at the dining table.] "Greg loves

waterglass salad!"

I had to sit there and choke down every bite so Grandpa's feelings wouldn't be hurt.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy trying to stuff the food into his mouth.]

And guess what I got as a reward for cleaning my plate?

[Image: A cartoon of a man putting the sweets on the table in front of the two

boys.] "Here you go!"

166

Tonight, Grandpa gave us our salad, and I acted like I was gonna eat it. But then I

just stuffed it all in my pocket when no one was looking.

It felt pretty disgusting when the cold vinegar started running down my leg, but

believe me it was about a thousand times better than having to EAT it.

[Image: A cartoon of two boys and a man sitting across the table.]

After dinner, the three of us went into the living room. Grandpa has all these really

old board games, and he always makes me and Rodrick play them with him.

He has this one game called "Gutbusters," where one player reads a card, and the

other player tries not to laugh.

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I always beat Grandpa, mostly because the jokes don't make any sense to me.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy showing his toy to the old man.] "Putting economic

policy before fiscal responsibility is like putting the cart before the horse."

Haw, haw, haw!"

I always beat Rodrick, too, but that's because Rodrick loses on purpose. Whenever

it's my turn to read a card, he makes sure he has a big mouthful of milk.

[Image: A cartoon of a man looking at the boy throwing out milk onto another

boy.] "Bwahahaha!"

168

At 10:00, I was ready for bed. But Rodrick called the couch, and that meant I had

to sleep with Grandpa again.

All I can say is, if Mom and Dad were trying to teach me a lesson for covering for

Rodrick, well, mission accomplished.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy and the old man in bed.] "Could you put my teeth in

that glass?"

Sunday

Rodrick has a big Science Fair project due right before Christmas break, and it

looks like Mom and Dad are making Rodrick do this one all by himself.

169

Last year, Rodrick's science project was called "Does Watching Violent Movies

Make People Think Violent Thoughts?"

I guess the idea was to have people watch horror movies and then draw pictures

afterward to show how the movies affected them.

But it was really just an excuse for Rodrick and his friends to watch a bunch of

horror movies on school nights.

[Image: A cartoon of people watching T.V.] "Scream! Chomp!"

Rodrick's friends got the movie-watching part done, but they didn't draw a single

picture. And the night before the Science Fair, Rodrick didn't have anything to

show for himself.

170

So me, Mom, and Dad had to bail Rodrick out. Dad typed up the paper, Mom

made the poster board stuff, and I had to draw a bunch of pictures.

I did my best to imagine what teenagers would draw after watching violent movies.

[Image: Drawings of a skull with a knife stuck in it and a fighting scene near a

building.]

The thing that REALLY stinks is that I caught heat from Mom when she saw my

drawings, because she said they were "disturbing." And that's why I was only