Rodrick Rules (10 page)

OK, so maybe I could have done a better job as Scotty's assistant. But I didn't blow

it on PURPOSE. I just forgot to hand him his props once or twice.

[Image: A cartoon of a lady taking down notes about the stage performance.]

We were the ONLY ones who didn't make the cut, and that actually is kind of

embarrassing.

I know we weren't exactly the best act trying out today, but we weren't the

WORST, either. Some of the acts that got in were a lot lamer than our magic act.

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This kindergartner named Harry Gilbertson made the cut, and all he did was

roller-skate figure eights around a boom box that was playing "Yankee Doodle

Dandy."

[Image: A cartoon of a child skating around as he listens to music.]

Rodrick's band made it in, too, and he's acting like that's some huge

accomplishment.

Like I said before, Rodrick is really excited about the Winter Talent Show. In fact,

he actually got his Science Fair project done a day EARLY so he could squeeze in

some extra band practices before the big night.

But when Rodrick turned in his project, his Science teacher told him he was gonna

have to start over and come up with a whole new idea. He said that Rodrick didn't

use the "scientific method" with a hypothesis and a conclusion and all that.

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Rodrick told the teacher he actually grew a sixteenth of an inch during his "zero

gravity" experiment, so that proved he was on to something.

But his teacher said that's a normal amount for a boy Rodrick's age to grow in a

month.

[Image: A cartoon of a man talking to a boy.]

Well, this really stinks for me, because I had decided to do my Science Fair project

on "zero gravity," too.

And now it looks like all the research I did was just a big waste of time.

[Image: A cartoon of a man sleeping and the boy sitting on the chair.]

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Dad told Rodrick he's going to have to just skip the Talent Show so he can do a

new experiment, but Rodrick says he's not going to do it.

Rodrick told Dad he doesn't CARE about school anymore. He said his plan is to

win the talent show and use the tape of the performance to get signed to a record

label. The he'll quit school and just do the band full-time.

It sounds like a terrible plan to me, but I think Dad is pretty open to the idea.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy dreaming about himself driving a truck and his parents

standing out.]

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Wednesday

Tonight was the big Winter Talent Show. I didn't want to go, and neither did Dad.

But Mom made us both go to show our support for Rodrick.

Rodrick and Mom went to the school early to bring some stuff that Rodrick's band

needed, so Dad had to ride in the band's van with Bill. And Dad wasn't too thrilled

when he ran into his boss in the school parking lot.

[Image: A cartoon of some people standing beside the truck. ] "Hiya Frank!"

The show kicked off at 7:00, and let me just say, I think it was a really bad idea to

combine the three schools for this thing.

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They ended up having kindergartners singing songs to their teddy bears followed

by eighteen-year-olds doing speed metal guitar solos.

[Image: A cartoon of a man with a guitar and another man with a toy.] "And now

for Larry Larkin's performance of "carnage" scoot scoot"

I don't think Dad approved of Larry Larkin and all his piercings. Halfway through

Larry's guitar solo, Dad leaned over and whispered to the man sitting next to him.

[Image: A cartoon of three people whispering.] "What's the worst thing that kid up

there could say to you?

What?"

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I wish I had time to warn Dad that the guy he was talking to was Larry's father.

[Image: A cartoon of three in conversation.] ""Hi, Dad!""

Another problem with combining the schools was that there were too many acts,

and the show went on FOREVER.

At 9:30 they decided to start running two acts at the same time to keep the show

moving along. Sometimes it worked out all right, like when they had Patty Farrell

tap-dancing while Spencer Kitt was juggling. But other times it didn't work out too

good, like when Terrence James played a harmonica on a unicycle while Charise

Kline read her poem about global warming.

Rodrick's band was the last act to take the stage.

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Before the show, Rodrick asked me to videotape his band during their act, but I

told him no WAY.

He's been such a jerk to me lately that I can't believe he was trying to hit me up for

a favor. So Mom volunteered for camera duty.

Rodrick's band got paired up with Harry Gilbertson, the roller-skating kid. And I'm

sure Rodrick wasn't too happy about THAT.

[Image: A cartoon of a bands performance on stage.] "Who's ready to

rrrrocccckkkk?

I am!"

I noticed Dad wasn't sitting next to me while Rodrick's band played, so I looked

around for him.

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Dad was standing in the back of the gym with cotton balls sticking out of his ears,

and he stayed there until the song was over.

[Image: A cartoon of a man outside the door.]

After Rodrick's band performed, they handed out the awards. Rodrick's band didn't

win anything, but Harry Gilbertson walked away with the prize for "Best Musical

Act."

[Image: A cartoon of a child being awarded on the stage.]

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But you'll never guess who the Grand Prize Winner was: Rowley's babysitter,

Leland.

He won for his ventriloquist act, because the judges said it was "wholesome."

I never thought I'd agree with Rodrick on anything, but I'm starting to wonder if

maybe he was right about Leland being a nerd after all.

[Image: A cartoon of a man with his son in his lap.] "Hey, who's the dummy here?"

After the show, Rodrick's band came back to our house to watch the videotape of

their performance.

They were all grumbling about how they got "robbed," and how the judges don't

know the first thing about rock and roll.

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So their plan was to just mail the videotape off to some record labels and let their

performance speak for itself.

They all sat down in front of the TV and Rodrick put the tape in the machine. But

it took about thirty seconds for everyone to realize the tape was worthless.

You know how Rodrick asked Mom to videotape the show? Well, she did a pretty

good job of filming, but she talked nonstop during the first two minutes. And the

camera picked up every little comment she made.

[Image: A cartoon of people watching Television.] "That shirt makes Rodrick's

arms look so skinny!"

202

Every time Bill stuck out his tongue and flicked it up and down like a rock star,

you could hear Mom ring in with her opinion.

[Image: A cartoon of a man performing on T.V.] "I don't like that!"

In fact, the only time Mom stopped talking was when Rodrick did his drum solo.

But during that part, the camera was shaking around so much that you couldn't

even see anything.

At first, Rodrick and his bandmates were really mad. But then one of them

remembered that the school taped the Talent Show, and it's supposed to be on the

local cable channel tomorrow night.

I guess that means they'll all be coming back over to watch THAT.

203

Thursday

Well, things have gotten REALLY bad for me in the last few hours.

Rodrick and his bandmates came over around 7:00 tonight to watch the Talent

Show on TV. They sat through the whole three-hour show until their band came

on.

The school actually did a decent job of taping the performance, and things were

looking pretty good up until Rodrick's drum solo.

That's when Mom started dancing. And whoever was doing the filming zoomed

right in on Mom, and kept the camera pointed at her for the rest of the song.

[Image: A cartoon of a performance on stage.]

204

That meant Rodrick didn't have ANYTHING he could send to record companies.

And he was really mad about it, too.

At first he was mad at Mom for messing things up. But Mom said that if Rodrick

didn't want people to dance, he shouldn't play music.

Then Rodrick turned on ME. He said this was all MY fault, because if I just taped

the show like he asked me to, none of this would've happened.

But I told him that maybe if he wasn't such a jerk, I would have done it for him.

[Image: A cartoon of two children fighting as their parents look at them.]

We started to yell at each other. Mom and Dad broke us up, and then they sent

Rodrick down to his room and me up to mine.

205

But a couple of hours later I went downstairs, and I ran into Rodrick in the kitchen.

He was smiling, so I knew something was up.

Rodrick told me my "secret was out."

At first, I didn't know what he was talking about. But then I got it: He was talking

about the thing that happened to me this summer.

I ran down to the basement, and I picked up Rodrick's phone to see if he had made

any calls. And sure enough, it looked like he had called EVERY friend of his who

had a brother or sister my age.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy looking at his phone.]

By tomorrow morning, EVERYONE at my school will know the story. And I'm

sure Rodrick exaggerated the facts to make the story sound even WORSE.

206

Now that my secret's out there, I want to put on record what REALLY happened,

and not Rodrick's twisted version.

So here it goes.

Over the summer, me and Rodrick had to stay with Grandpa at his condo in

Leisure Towers for a few days. But there was NOTHING to do, and I was going

bonkers.

I was so bored, I broke out my old journal and started to write in it. But taking out

a book that said "diary" on the cover in front of Rodrick was a HUGE mistake.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy taking away from the one on the sofa.] "Ha! Swipe"

207

Rodrick stole my journal and made a run for it. He probably would have made it

into the bathroom and locked the door if someone hadn't left Gutbusters sitting out.

[Image: A cartoon of a tripping to a fall.] "Gaah!"

I scooped the book off the floor and ran out into the hallway and down the

stairwell. Then, I ducked into the bathroom in the main lobby and locked myself in

a stall.

I kept my feet off the floor so that if Rodrick came in, he wouldn't know I was in

there.

I knew that if Rodrick got ahold of my journal, it would be a nightmare. So I

decided to just rip the whole thing into tiny little pieces and flush them down the

toilet. It was better to just destroy the thing than risk Rodrick getting his hands on

it.

208

[Image: A cartoon of a boy sitting on the top of the potty and tearing the book.]

But as soon as I started ripping pages out of the book, I heard the bathroom door

open. I thought it was Rodrick, so I just stayed completely still.

I didn't hear anything, so I peeked over the top of the stall to see what was going

on. That's when I saw a woman standing in front of the mirror, putting on makeup.

[Image: A cartoon of a grumpy old woman.]

I figured the lady just accidentally wandered into the men's room, because people

at Leisure Towers are always doing stuff like that.

209

I was about to speak up and tell this lady she was in the wrong bathroom, but right

then someone else walked in. And guess what? It was ANOTHER woman.

That's when I realized that I was the one who messed up, and I was in the

WOMEN's bathroom.

I prayed that those ladies would just wash their hands and leave so I could make a

run for it. But they sat down in the stalls on either side of me. And every time one

woman would leave the bathroom, someone else would come in and take their

place. So I couldn't leave.

[Image: A cartoon of a boy standing on top of the potty.]

210

If Rowley thinks he had it bad when those kids made him eat the Cheese, he should

try being stuck in the Leisure Towers ladies' room for an hour and a half.

I guess someone eventually heard me in there, and they reported me to the front

desk. Within a few minutes, word got around the building that there was a

"Peeping Tom" in the women's room.

[Image: A cartoon of a crying boy being carried by a man as the others look.]

By the time security came in and got me out of there, everyone who lived in

Leisure Towers was down in the lobby. And Rodrick saw the whole thing unfold

upstairs on Grandpa's TV.

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Now that the story was out, I knew I couldn't show my face at school. So I told

Mom she was gonna have to transfer me somewhere else, and I told her why.

Mom said I shouldn't worry about what other people think. She told me that my

classmates would understand that I had just made an "honest mistake."

[Image: A cartoon of the mother talking to the boy.]

So that just proves once and for all that Mom doesn't understand a THING about

kids my age.

Now I'm kicking myself for not keeping up my pen-pal relationship with

Mamadou. Because if me and him had stayed in touch, maybe I could have gone to

France as an exchange student and hid out THERE for a few years.

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[Image: A cartoon of a boy and some French people.] "Comment Allezvous?